Reaching The Brightest Star

CHAPTER FOUR

Chloe

I missed you

While driving, Marco's voice sounded like a broken record the last time we spoke. With my brain so chaotic, everything is spinning over and over again. I have so much to think about. I don’t know what to prioritize. But I just can’t really forget that he was able to send me away before.

"Fine. Leave. And don't ever come back to me again." That's the last words he said. Even when I left their house he did not look at me. I can't just let it slide. He said that, and I don’t know how I can forget. Those words gave me so much pain. It was as if I had been killed by a thousand knives stabbing my chest. 

He's going right? He also graduated from high school there so there is a possibility that he will be there. Will he be with his new girlfriend? My chest was throbbing with excitement even though I was just thinking about it. How can I deal with him without hurting myself? I shouldn’t feel this way. He, on the other hand, did not feel it, and disappeared like a bubble. I was just waiting. And so far, even though I look like a fool, he's the only one I've been waiting for.

I always care for him. When I was on call with Isabella, I always asked about him. I always wanted to know his whereabouts. I always wanted to know how he's been doing at his work. They just always tell me that he’s okay. That there doesn't seem to be much change. They don't have much contact with him so they also don't have much to say to me about him.

I always wanted to stay updated about him. Why? For no reason. I can't even verbalize.

My vision became blurry with the threatening drops of tears. I slowed my pace in driving and wiped away my tears.

"Why did you have to go that far?!" I informed him of my plan to go to Norway. My decision hurts me, to leave him here and continue my studies in a distant place was squeezing my heart in pain. 

"Why did you always want to go that far, freaking far away from me?" He angrily asked.

"I swear, it's hard for me but I need this. I don't want to just rely on you. I need to go on with my life. The life that I wanted!" He sighed as he turned his back on me. I sat on his bed. I visited him here at their house because we don't see each other very often. We're both busy and we can't find time for each other.

Ever since Daddy died, he has helped me to get up. He helped me with everything; food, apartment rent, sometimes even my allowance. Aunt Mercy covered my tuition fee so it was not difficult for me to survive in college. It was embarrassing for me because he stood up as my father even though that was not his responsibility to me.

"If that life means leaving me, then I forbid you!" He looked at me with the same expression. Angry eyes, tight jaw and disliking my decision.

"Aren't you being selfish?" Why would he ban me from what I want? It's not easy for me either. I thought about it a million times before I finally decided.

"Call me a f*****g stupid selfish. I don't care!" He hissed.

"When you decide to move to Manila, it's hard for me to accept. Then you're still not satisfied and you'll go further!" His eyes were red and his eyebrows were furrowed.

I'm gonna miss this man. Damn!

He offered to sustain my need. He will let me study and cover all my university needs. The offer was tempting but not possible. I have to live on my own and I don't want to rely on people I know that can sponsor me. I also have my dream, and this departure will allow me to continue achieving that dream. This is my opportunity and I don't want to let it go.

"I'm earning now, Chloe! I can support you!" He insists.

"I have saved enough. What else do you want?" In a pleading tone, I almost broke down.

"It is my dream. You said you will support me for whatever I do. Why will you have to forbid me where this will be my chance to chase my dream?" I bursts into tears while we are still arguing. I cannot help the flow of my tears as if it was a built in river in my eyes.

"Your dream is to leave me!" There is emphasis on each word as he pronounces it. I was so scared as he was shouting at me. His voice was like thunder so I was scared.

"I won't leave you! It's just six years, time is fast-" I couldn't continue what I was about to say because he suddenly spoke. He didn't let me finish.

"Six years! Six. f*****g. Years! Really?" He rubbed his palms on his face. He was frustrated with what was happening to the two of us.

Me too, Marco. I know it’s hard to accept. But I need you to understand.

"I don't want to just depend on you. I don't want to increase my debts to you." I said in a gentle tone. 

"I didn't say that you need to pay for all that. I didn't need those." His speech was also gentle but I could still feel the emphasis and anger in each word. 

"Please Marco, look at the better picture. See what it can do for me. It will suddenly show my worth. I'm doing this for both of us. For our future." I approached him and slowly grabbed his arm. He shuns that from me. Seeing his reaction like that breaks my heart. My tears dropped again and I just bowed down to hide it. 

"You're doing this for yourself. It was not according to our plan." He walked away from me towards the door. He opened it and without looking back, he was out of the room.

"Marco!" I called but he seemed to hear nothing and just kept walking.

I covered my face with my hands and cried. That’s all I can do right now to bring out the overweight feeling. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me to leave.

I want to tell people that I was able to get to where I am today because of my hard work and effort. I won't be this successful if I don't chase what makes me happy. It's a battle between career versus love. You have to weigh everything. They cannot be equal because they are not the same. It was for my dream but it seems different for him. I wanted him to understand me, and I think he's being selfish. I have a life too. I also want to make a living and I want to boost my hard work for it. 

I'm off the Tollway. I'm in Batangas now and I'm on my way to Bauan. It's been a long trip. My bottom is starting to numb from all the sitting here in my car. Maybe I should stop at the gasoline station to stretch a little. 

I told myself that when I got there I would immediately visit Mommy and Daddy at the cemetery. I also did not visit them for several years. I wonder if it was still the same when I left. I was already on the San Pascual bridge and I caught up with the traffic.

Really? It has to be now? 

I'm hungry and my stomach is growling hurriedly. I saw someone pass by so I opened the driver's seat window. He looks like a driver who also wants to know what’s going on ahead. I could see the irritation on his face. Who likes traffic? I don't like it either. For me, my time was getting wasted when there was traffic.

"Hello Sir! What is happening? Why is there traffic?" He stopped in front of my window and pointed to something. 

"As I've heard, there has been a car accident ahead. This was also the situation yesterday. What kind of life is this? Tsk!" He wiped his sweat with the white towel slung over his shoulder.

"What time did it happen?" I asked. I want to stretch so bad. It was a long trip for me and I have been sitting in my seat for almost hours now.

"That was a while ago! Earlier this morning. My passengers are already upset!" He shook his head and passed me.

The accent of Batanguenos was evident to him. I smile because in the six years I’ve been gone here, it’s comforting to hear it again.

The traffic took another thirty minutes before I was able to move on. I will stop first and eat at Jollibee. I had been hungry for a while so I immediately went in and went straight to the counter. The queue is long, Jollibee is really popular here in Bauan.

"One order of Jollibee Supermeal, please." I pulled money out of my wallet. I still haven't exchanged my money. Fortunately, I still have some left.

"What's the drink, Ma'am?" I looked at the female cashier after I took the money.

"Be it water," I already paid her five hundred pesos and waited for my change.

"But soda can't be removed from Supermeal," she said.

"It is fine. I'll just pay for it." I don't have a choice either.

She has already processed my order. When it was over I immediately looked for a seat. It's full here at the ground floor, maybe upstairs I'll have a seat. I went to the stairs and went up. I met a crew member and he took the tray from me. He brought it and he also found a seat for me.

"Thank you," I smiled at him and he smiled back.

I started eating my food. I haven't told Isabella yet that I'm here in Batangas. I still haven't fixed the phone that I bought. Maybe later when I find a hotel room to stay. It's already three in the afternoon and I'm just going to eat now. And I was too hungry when I got stuck in the traffic.

After I finished eating, I turned on my cell phone. I opened one of my social media accounts and browsed through my news feeds. As I scrolled down I saw Marco’s post. It was different from the last one that I saw. He was with Lauren and he was showing her artworks.

He was supporting Lauren's exhibit. Wow! My friend is very talented.

She was disappointed when I didn’t get to her exhibits last year. That was my last year of fellowship in that hospital that I've been training in. That's why I can't come. Gus supported her and took care of it himself. They 're married and I'm so happy for them.

When I arrived at Padre Pio Memorial Park where my parents were buried. I parked on the pathway just the opposite side of Mommy and Daddy’s grave. Mommy's body was not buried here before, Aunt Mercy just moved it because that was Daddy's request before he died.

"It's me Dad, Mom. Did I change a lot?" I am standing in front of them. Nothing has changed in their grave, it is still clean even though I have not visited for a long time. This cemetery has a caretaker so it maintains cleanliness. The grass was greenish green and shiny because it was still wet.

"How are you? You must have been happy together wherever you were." I looked at the adjacent marble tombstones of my parents.

"I just got home from Norway," I tried to sound happy but I guess I can't.

"I graduated from medicine, thanks to Aunt Mercy. She's kind and smart. She took care of me." My tears were already welling up but I let it go. I let myself cry in front of them.

"I'm sorry if I haven't visited you in a long time. I have so much to tell you." I sobbed and let my tears trickle down the lawn.

I told them all about what had happened to me over the past six years. How I suffered, struggled and became acquainted with the people of Norway. How painful it was to leave my life here just to pursue my dream. I sat down when I had been standing for a long time. I laughed as I told that story as if someone was really listening to me.

"Marco and I broke up. Six years ago." My voice rasped and my tears flowed like a faucet. I became vulnerable and helpless in front of them. I don't care. Because no one can see me. I feel weak and this is my only safe haven for now.

"It was painful, but I need to go on to chase my dream." I caressed the tombstone, every letter engraved on it traversed by my fingers. I sniffed.

"Even though it's hard, even though I was in pain and even though my heart was heavy, I nurtured it." I ignored my crying. This is the only chance I have to release everything for the past six years. I can't do this to Aunt because I don't want her to see that I'm weak.

"Who should I tell these things to? You left me, I faced all the pain and hardship I experienced alone. But don't worry, I'm fine." I pulled out the grass and gathered it aside. I made a small bulge beside me mimicking a perfect mountain shape.

"I feel embarrassed in front of Aunt Mercy, Mom. She stood as my mother for six years. She did everything she could, yet I can't open up to her." It feels awkward and I feel like it's a childish act. When the sky turned orange, that was the time for me to leave.

"I have to go Mom, Dad. I'm still looking for a hotel to stay at." I paused for a moment while staring at the tombstone. Last look. Last glance. It will be a long time before I can visit again.

Three more minutes passed and I walked away from the grave. I got in the car and started the engine. I left the cemetery relieved, in the few years I had hidden it I had only now released it. Everything buried in my chest was pulled out after I said everything I wanted to say. Lightened my heart.

I checked into the hotel here in Bauan. I can't wait to get into the room and relax. The whole trip got me exhausted. And all I want now is a good rest. I had already entered the room given to me, I immediately arranged my belongings and placed them in the cabinet.

I saw a box of brand new phone that I bought when I was in Manila. I need to maneuver it right away so I can text Isabella that I'm already here in Bauan. I registered my number and copied all the contacts from my other phone. I immediately typed a message to my friends, telling them that I have arrived in Batangas.

Marco's number didn't escape my vision. I don’t know if this is still his number. I grabbed my other phone and checked if I copied the right number. I opened Marco and I's textbox. The last message I sent to him was six years ago.

Me:

I'm sorry...

I hope you understand...

Please, don't get mad at me.

I don't want to leave knowing that you are mad at me. 

Let's talk about this please...

He didn't even bother to reply. He doesn't seem to care if I texted him. I also sent a message to their other housemaids and still got no response. I asked about him but their only answer was he is trying to lock himself in his room. Not eating. Nor does he leave the house.

I immediately repented and blamed myself for those. Because of me he lost his appetite for everything. Because of me he also became estranged from people as well as our friends.

My tears welled up immediately. I wiped it away and another tear fell. I sniffed and closed the exchanges of our message. I've been wondering for a long time if I'm going to erase that. But I can't. Every time I try I fail.

I went to my photo gallery. Last picture there was our picture together. I graduated from College, we went to a different school and I was the first to graduate. His arm was snaked around my waist. Locking and keeping my body closer to him. Kissing my forehead as I closed my eyes and smiled broadly. It was full of affection. I can see his love for me in this photo. His care, his happiness as if I was the cause of it. It was captured by his nanny without me knowing it. I only found out when I opened it that night after that event. 

"I wanted to come back to your embrace, Marco." I whispered dizzily.

I suddenly missed those happy years of me. I just want to go back in time and be the girl in that photo again. I want to go back in time to change everything. I want to go back to the beginning of how we met. How I fell for him.

I wonder if memories will stay just a memory. Will it happen again? By the same place, same time, same feelings, same person. Will there be a miracle to live inside that memory? I guess there are none.

And I just realized, memories cannot be repeated. You made it to save inside your head, for there will be times that you will browse it. Smile when you remember it. Laugh when that memory is funny. And cry if that memory makes you sad and in pain.

Just like a file that you saved on your phone or computer. The only change that you can do is to rename it. You can't edit it the way you wanted and if you can, it will never be the same.

Memories can be changed, but in another situation.

I want to feel his care and love again. I want his hugs and kisses one more time. I need his attention again.

"I missed you," I cried.