Eclipsed Luminescence

Chapter 1

“Let’s call it a day, boys! and you, Rel!”

The boy with the number 16 weaved on his indigo jersey top’s back lifted his chin up to meet the quite alarmed look of their team’s coach who just called his attention by shouting his nickname.

“I’ve noticed a change in your energy while we were playing, but I’ll let it slide for today, just make sure not to slack off again tomorrow.” he uttered in a warning tone after Hazrel moved closer towards him.

The fazed look on the boy’s face was evident as he tried to greet their coach’s serious face. The latter didn’t fail to notice his tired eyes and is quite worried of Hazrel, but kept his composure and didn’t make it obvious.

He cleared his throat before uttering in an authoritative manner, “To remind you, the competition will be held the next day, so pull yourself together and try to forget anything that’s bothering you. Those could probably affect your performance and you know I can’t allow that.”

Hazrel only nodded in response. He looked like a left over vegetable dumped in the lower section of a fridge. He had no energy and still probably won’t have any, even if he would drink countless of energy drinks.

He left the court with a heavy heart, without bothering to converse with any of his teammates. With his right hand holding his backpack’s strap, he walked and walked, ’til his own feet brought him to an old building.

That was the time when he finally lifted his head up again, after bumping into numerous stranger along the way as he was just looking down the whole time.

It was just a building, an old building. Yet for Hazrel, it is the home of a thousand memories. It had become a shelter for a part of his being that he knew he couldn’t let go, or maybe he can, but his whole system still cannot comprehend how to do so.

He blinked and when he came back to his senses, he already reached the top of the building.

He sighed and thought, “For how long was my mind floating?”

With his pitch black irises, he looked around and they grew wider when he realized where he was currently standing at. Suddenly, his ears got struck by the voices of the past and his sight displayed several afterimages of all the things they've shared before, flashing like movie flashbacks.

He sat flat on the floor the moment he heard echoes of a girl’s sweet chuckles and giggles. As if the last drop of energy within him got suck out of his body and he can’t even move an inch of his limbs anymore.

Hazrel clearly recognized the ghosts of his past as they appear before his own vision, which is slowly getting blurry as his tears form, ready to cascade down his cheeks.

“Riham..” his voice was almost a whisper. Just uttering her name almost made his heart explode, the pain is unbearable and it is very evident in the look of his face.

He took his time sulking and crying his emotions out, he lost count of the minutes and hours. Hazrel just sat there, his sobs momentarily switch between silent and full anguish and regrets.

After quite some time, he finally stopped. Then he started taking out his phone from his backpack, he sighed then began typing with his shaky fingers.

“Hey, are you free?”

“I’m here at the rooftop of an old building, where we first met.”

“Can you spare some time to meet me?”

Hazrel placed the phone on the floor with his quite quaky hands after sending the consecutive messages. It took him almost all of the strength left in his body to finally get his finger to tap the send button.

For the nth time, he sighed, “Will she go and see me? What if she won’t show up? I’m starting to get a bit nervous.” the lovelorn boy whispered amidst his thoughts.

He made a click sound from his tongue, “Whatever, I’ll just wait for her response while watching the sun, which is just a few hours away from setting. It’s probably only around 4 in the afternoon, still quite early.”

But, as he divert his eyes on the sun’s position in the sky, a beep sound indicating a newly received notification startled him—as though his heart got beaten like a drum.

His legs automatically lifted themselves up to have him stand on his own feet like he wasn’t feeling drained of energy a few minutes back. Hazrel immediately checked his phone after his heart skipped a beat right after hearing the notification sound.

With both excitement and nervousness building up inside him, he pressed on the messaging application.

And the gods knew how much he wanted to just jump off the building after reading the message which obviously came from a shady scammer.

He scoffed, “Heck, I didn’t even sign up to any raffle contest and you’re telling me that I’ve won?” he uttered in disbelief before throwing his phone, holding his temper enough for it to land on his backpack and not on the hard ground.

He frowned and just let his butt kiss the ground again. The disappointment just ruined his mood even more, yet he tried his best to revert his attention into appreciating the sun.

It’s shining and bright red, but in a way that it doesn’t cause any irritations to the eyes—it’s not blinding and it’s so good to stare at, a sight that is not tiring for him to admire.

“Maybe this is the only good thing that is associated with good-byes.” Hazrel’s voice resonated in his mind. “The only ending where no one is hurt, the only ending that gives relief. I could only hope for all of the ending to end up like this, where you’d cry out of its beauty and not because of the pain it caused.”

He shook his head out of disbelief with himself, “When did I start to think that way?” and then cringed for what he have thought.

“Whatever, I don’t want to think of anything else right now, it just feels so exhausting.” he said and calmed his mind under the dazzling sky where he got his eyes fixated on the sun that reigns above it, which is getting ready to hide and take a nap beneath the mountains’ shadows from afar.

Seconds, minutes, and hours have passed. It’s only a few minutes left for the sun to finally set, then the darkness will soon conquer this city’s blue skies. Hazrel checked the time on his wristwatch, and it read 6:12 PM. His quite troubled mind whispered, “Would she still come?”

He heaved a sigh. “Should I just keep on waiting here? Maybe she’s busy, that’s why she can’t come immediately—or she might have not yet read the messages I’ve sent.” he repeatedly nodded, agreeing to the reasons that his own mind suggested.

“What if she already read it, but refused to go because she really don’t want to bother with me anymore?” another side of his brain argued.

He shook and scratched his head out of uncertainty. As if the dinner that have been served for him is a poisonous dish called overly-thinking-through-things, which could make his immune system drastically drop—allowing a disease called “heartbreak” to envelope his whole being.

But then, something struck his brain and made him realize that his relationship with a girl named Riham was already over. He ended it all, he ended what they had, a week ago. Then out of nowhere—he would suddenly message her, asking to meet him? Hazrel felt pathetic amidst the realization.

The boy’s thoughts were halted when a glimpse of darkness started creeping up ’til it finally wrapped around the whole surroundings, and a heavy rain started pouring like there’s nothing left for tomorrow. Hazrel’s hair, clothes, and body got wet easily because of the amount of raindrops falling from the sorrowful clouds.

Yet it felt like he doesn’t have any drop of strength left even in the depths of his soul—as though he was a battery that has run out of energy, got drained, and on zero percentage.

He stared at his phone that was lifelessly laying on the wet floor, for sure, it’s already broken like his heart—but the difference is, he could still replace it anytime and buy a new, undamaged, and a fully functioning one. Feeling the crystal-like raindrops like they were piercing through his skin, he let himself sit still.

Everything suddenly felt heavy, like the floor has a strong magnetic force that keeps him from standing up and getting on his feet to run and search for a temporary shelter, while every drop of rain on his body starts easing up his whole being.

“I might get sick and have a fever for a few days after this, but I don’t care at all. It seems like my mind’s empty and all I can hear is the sound of rain—which is my ears’ favorite music, a song that puts my soul in peace.” he voiced up in his head amidst the sound of the pouring rain.

But it didn’t take too long for the gray clouds’ tears to gradually subside, ’til Hazrel can’t feel any single drop of it on his skin anymore. He still didn’t have the urge to get on his own feet, he stayed in the same position for more minutes. Until he started hearing a subtle sound of someone’s footsteps, it was low and unnoticeable at first but as the seconds pass by, it was getting loud and seemed like slowly approaching him.

The boy wasn’t mistaken when a familiar figure captured by his peripheral vision sat beside him.

“I’m sorry, I’m late.”

As fast as a lightning strike, he moved his head to get a better view of the person who just spoke—and confirmed, it was the one whom he asked to meet him at this place, a few hours ago.

Yet as though the rain from a while ago rendered the words in the book of his vocabulary unreadable, he couldn’t speak a word after his sight landed on the girl’s ever-stunning face.

When she noticed that the boy wasn’t uttering anything, she turned her head to meet his eyes and spoke, “Hmm? Did you ask me to come over so that you could stare at my beauty?” then let out a chuckle afterwards.

Hazrel was fascinated with her small laughter, yet it also irritates a part of him. “How could she look happy? After all of the things that have happened to us, how could she smile like we didn’t break each other’s heart?” his mind wondered.

He shook his head and looked away, “I..” he started. “I wanted to talk to you.” the words finally escaped his mouth in a quite shaky voice.

“Why am I even feeling nervous? Was it because I’m ashamed of the shallow reason of why I broke up with her?” he was rebelling amidst his thoughts.

It was a few minutes of silence when he spoke again. “I’d be lying if I would say that I don’t miss you.”

Silence, again.

He was about to continue but she interrupted him, “You don’t have to say it.”

“But, I—”

“And you also don’t need to say that you do.” she cut him short again.

He paid a glance at her and saw the lightness across her face, like how his mind tells him how one looks when they’ve finally moved on. He didn’t see any glimpse of regrets in her eyes, but a whole freedom.

“Do you still love me?”

“What the heck?” he cursed in his head, he didn’t even know where in the corner of his brain did he pull such foolish question. Those words just slipped out of his tongue. The embarrassment made him look away and firmly closed his eyes with creased forehead.

“Of course, I do.” she casually answered, while his silly mind refused to believe it.

“Why does it sound so normal? It seemed like I just merely asked her if she wants to go home already. It felt cold, dry, and other stuff that contradicts the essence of ‘love’.” he argued within his thoughts.

“Why do you always ask that?” it was her turn to throw a question, after she didn’t hear a response from Hazrel.

“Because I feel like you’re just lying.”

“Stop asking, then.” a quick and upright reply from her.

“Oh, so that’s how it is? That sounded like a straight up affirmation that she was indeed lying to me.” he thought. He felt like she intended to lie because she already lost count of how many times he have kept asking that question over the years they’ve spent together. It just added another c***k in his heart.

“Ah, so you were really just lying? All those times that you’ve said those words?” bitterness was evident in his voice.

“That’s not my point, Hazrel.”

Those words just pierced another needle in his pin cushion-like soul, because of all the needles buried in it. “Hazrel, huh? I’m still not used to it, I miss how she calls me using silly yet sweet endearments before.” he spoke inside his mind.

“Do you think we can still fix this?”

“Hah. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. All of these crap just keep on escaping my mouth, and I know that it’s making me look like an i***t—’cause I was the one who ended things between us.” he was having a war in his head, completely aware of the mess he made, yet here he is, still wishing for another chance and aching to grasp on a possibility that this isn’t the end for everything they’ve been through.

Silence reigned for a few minutes between them, until she finally spoke again, she spoke the words that his ears were afraid to hear.

“I’m sorry, Rel.”

It was short, but for Hazrel, it was a thousand words.

“We made a lot of promises, right?” he reminded her with a voice that was starting to get a bit shaky again.

“I know, that was also one of the reasons why I feel sorry.” the calmness in her voice remained intact.

It blows his mind to see how composed she is right now. “Did she finally went past the acceptance stage? So quick.. Why is it so quick? She’s already getting over with it while I’m still here—hoping that we could still save our relationship.”

“But I still want you!” the tone of his voice went a little higher. It’s like he has completely lost his cool and is now starting to act like a toddler beside her.

He returned his gazes at her, “I need you, Riham. I need you as much as I needed oxygen and water.” he uttered desperately as he tried his very best not to stutter, because she was already staring—the moment his eyes found their way to hers.

“No, Hazrel, we don’t need each other.” she argued. He was about to say something, yet she spoke once again.

“This might be better for us, not as partners but as individuals. We’re just gonna go back to the past, Rel, the time where we don’t know a thing about each other. Do you know how some people call it? That strangers-with-memories thingy, I think it’s better for us to stay that way.”

What she said messed up his mind even more. He can hear her, as clear as a crystal, yet her words are like a tangled ball of yarn for him. As if his head refuses to absorb and decipher the message that she wants to convey, his system doesn’t want to digest the words that came out of her mouth.

Hazrel was about to speak again despite of his quite trembling lips, but Riham shushed him off again. “Shh, I’m not done yet.”

He heaved a sigh so somehow tend to the uneasiness inside him and kept his eyes at her, trying to get the gist of her sentiments.

“We already tried a countless time to fix it, right? But what happened? We still end up in this situation, we are yet again in the same situation that we promised ourselves everytime we make up to each other that we’ll do our best not to go back to. It’s an exhausting cycle, you even admitted before how tired you were—and I am, too. Don’t you think that it’s already time to rest? Give yourself a break, Hazrel, for real and for good.”

The words she uttered made him look away because he can’t take it. He doesn’t want to accept it, he can’t digest the fact that they are already over. He was having a hard time to let it sink in his head that it was so easy for Riham to say all of it.

Maybe his mind was busy thinking of what can he do to convince her that this is just a phase that every relationship has to go through, and they were supposed to solve the conflict together. He’s desperately trying to get a grip of what he could say that might make her reconsider her decisions, that’s why he almost can’t understand the words coming out from the girl’s mouth.

“Aren’t we supposed to end the problem, not our relationship?” he just mindlessly uttered, it was so weak that it almost sounded like a whisper.

She scoffed, “I know that very well, are you even listening to me? Did you understand what I’ve said earlier?”

Despite of the fact that all of it is still vague in Hazrel’s mind, he nodded in response.

“You’re saying that you know it very well, but why did you insist earlier that we should start treating each other like a stranger? How can we end the problem if you’re pushing me away?” he asked with troubled eyes.

Silence resurfaced for a few minutes ’til he heard her make a click sound from her tounge, which she does whenever she’s feeling irritated. “Did I hit a nerve?” the boy wondered in his thoughts.

“Hazrel, can’t you read between the lines? Yes, we need to end the problem, that’s why we needed to end our relationship—because we are the problem.”

She emphasized the phrase “we are the problem”, which made it echo throughout his head, filling each and every corner inside.

“We are the problem now, huh? How? I don’t get it.” he commented within his head.

“It’s time to start taking care of ourselves first, after years and years of depending on each other. Let’s set each other free already, Rel, shall we?” her voice became softer than it already was while maintaining the emphasis, as if she was begging him.

Rain started pouring, not from the clouds but from his eyes, for the first time again in a whole week.

When he broke up with her, it didn’t make him cry nor even had him teary-eyed. He thought it was okay, he thought he was okay without her presence, he thought he won’t cry about her anymore.

He was supposed to only talk to her right now to have a closure, because he didn’t wait for an answer when he broke up with her—he just simply left after spitting those words.

“But why the f**k am I finding myself wanting her again? Longing for her warmth again?” the voice in his head sounded as if it was begging.

“But.. But you said that.. I could still recall what you said.. you said, ‘If there’s someone I wanna go through ups and downs with, it’s you.’” he took a pause to let out a sob. “That’s what you said before.. What about now, Riham? Why.. why are you giving up already?” he uttered between sobs after sobs, it’s hard to speak when his heart’s aching like hell.

He felt a hand caressing his back, “Just cry it all out until you can’t feel anything anymore, trust me, it will soon pass.” she whispered.

Hazrel moved a few inches away from her. “I don’t want it, I don’t want to accept it. It hurts so bad that I feel like something’s squeezing my heart.” he could only whisper in his head as the pain was making it hard for him to speak.

“I don’t like this, Riri, don’t do this to me, please. Just stay here with me, for eternity, like how we promised each other.” he sounded like a child that was having a tantrum.

“I am so sorry, Hazrel. I’ve tried and tried so many times, and now, I’m tired. I just want to rest already, can you let me go? Please.” he started hinting a pain in her voice as she spoke those words.

“No, I don’t want to.. Riham.. I can’t.” he persisted in his thoughts.

His state of mind right now is like a crumpled up piece of paper, he doesn’t even know what he was thinking anymore. He stood up and mindlessly took some steps towards the edge of the rooftop, but before he could even reach it, he felt a hand that grasped his wrist—making him stop moving.

“Are you crazy?! What are you trying to do?!”

Riham raised her voice, which she rarely does. But it seemed like Hazrel didn’t hear a thing and tried to walk again, but the girl also didn’t waver, she even used her two hands to prevent him from doing whatever he wants to do.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, looking like idiots as if they were playing tug of war under a sombre night sky. He just then realized that it was already night time, darkness already ate the blue sky and there wasn’t even a moon to give a faint light because it was hiding behind the thick clouds.

“Hazrel, stop! Don’t do this!”

“Get off me, Riham, let me go like how you want me to let you go!” he shouted back at her even though they were just a few centimeters apart.

His eyes, His chest, His head; all of them hurt, so much than very much. He just wanted to disappear. “If I died right here and right now, I won’t feel these shitty emotions anymore. I badly want to rest, but if it's not in her arms, then 6 feet underground it is.” he said in his head.

They kept on pulling each other, both refuse to budge.

Not until..

“AAAAAH!”

Both of them fell on the ground when she finally won against him by burying her teeth in his hand.

“Damn, Riham, just leave already!” he snapped after shaking his hand, it was aching and a bite mark was evident.

“I’m not leaving until you calm down first!” she shouted back at him.

“I don’t know how to! My mind’s so f****d up right now, my system can’t take anymore of it! The only way I see is to end my life for this suffering to stop killing me inside!” he was about to stand up but she pulled his shirt, and having completely ran out of energy—he sat flat on the floor again.

But he felt so weak to the point that his back fell on the stone cold floor. Hazrel stared at the vastness of the darkened sky while the stream of tears running down his cheeks seem to be unlimited. “I feel numb and so much pain at the same time, is that even possible?” he spoke inside his head.

He wanted to let all of his emotions out if he just could. Amidst the on-going war between his heart and brain, he mindlessly uttered, “I hate you.”

Three words. All it took was three words to make Riham freeze on her tracks.

She bit her lower lip subconsciously until she felt a sting and her tongue recognized the taste of blood from it. Just like Hazrel, her tears are also streaming down her cheeks nonstop, and her throat hurts from suppressing her sobs from coming out.

Still, she resisted from letting her pain out, because Hazrel was lying on the ground—just a few inches away from her and she doesn’t want him to hear even a single sound of her own struggle.

“Why are you so selfish, Riham?” It pinched her heart after hearing the pain in the boy’s voice, but it felt like she was stabbed right in the heart after her brain processed what he just said.

“I’m the selfish one now, huh?” she said between her thoughts and chuckled, clueless of how could she still laugh while the pain’s slowly killing her inside.

“It seems so easy for you to let me go, to throw everything away. It’s not fair, I hope that along with your departure, this feeling I have for you would also fade away.”

Hazrel has lost control over himself and was already spilling out everything he had in mind.

The stars served as witnesses of how Riham badly wanted to say, “No, love, you’ve got it all wrong. This is nowhere near the word ‘easy’ for me, it kills me inside, too. Because I have loved you so much that it had become too much, too much for the both of us to handle. We’ll just suffer even more if we would insist on staying in this kind of relationship.” yet she just let it linger inside her head instead.

“I hate you..”

That was the second time that an invisible arrow pierced the girl’s soul.

“I hate you..” and another one.

“I hate you!” a simultaneous shot of bullets from a gun would’ve hurt less.

“I hate you so much!”

She buried her face in her palms and tried so hard not to make any noise. “Why does he have to be like that? Did I.. Did I really hurt him so much to the point that he couldn’t help but to just shoot those words to me? Does he think that I’m emotionless?” she snapped within her thoughts.

She knows her mistakes, but for her, this is too much and it just feels so wrong. But somehow, a part of her says that she deserved it.

“I’m out of here. I never thought that this is what would happen, I wish I never came, in the first place. It was my fault again, I hurt him again and he almost ended his life because of the unbearable pain.” she uttered in her mind.

She was about to get on her feet and take her leave but an incoming call from her phone caught her attention.

“Hello? Who’s this?” she asked with a shaky voice after putting the phone next to her ear. She also wiped her tears off her cheek and eyes using the back of her hand.

“This is Rayleigh.” the person behind the call responded, it was Hazrel’s sister.

Ever since they broke up last week, she erased everyone that has a connection with him from her contact list, that’s why the caller appeared unknown earlier.

Rayleigh spoke again after Riham didn’t say a word for a minute, “I can’t reach my brother’s phone, is he with you right now? He informed me a while ago that he’ll go somewhere to meet you. Can you ask him to go home already, please? Dad’s looking for him.”

She took a glance at Hazrel after hearing what his sister said from the other side of the phone and nudged his shoulder with her foot. “Hey, Rel. Get up and go home already.”

But he didn't move an inch nor responded to her. She bent over to clearly see his face and saw that his eyes were shut close as if he already fell into a deep slumber.

“Uh, Rayleigh, do you remember the old rooftop that we used to hang out? The place where I met your brother.” she said on the phone.

“Yes, I still do remember, why?”

She gulped to clear her throat, “I left Hazrel there, it seems like he fell asleep out of exhaustion.”

There was a long pause until the other spoke again.

“What do you mean? OMG! Did you two—”

“No! It’s not like that, Leigh.” she cut her short. “We had an argument that resorted in exchanging of bloody words.” she briefly explained.

She heard her sigh in relief, “I thought it was something else. Thank you for telling me, sissy.” hung up.