The Pretend Luna

1. Ready To Die

NATALIE

"Tang-ina Paul, gaano ka kapal ang mukha ang meron ka para ganituhin mo ko!"

Napatingin ang matandang babaeng katabi ko sa bus, nasa pang dalawahang side kami at sa may window side ako nakaupo habang kausap ko ang ex-boyfriend kong gago. Halata sa mukha ni manang na she's judging me, but I don't care.

Nanggagalaiti ako ngayon sa galit sa walang ka-kwenta kwentang lalaking kausap ko ngayon thru cellphone. Hindi ko nga malaman kung paano ako nagkagusto sa putang-inang ubod na nga ng tamad ay babaero pa. Sobra-sobrang stress at depresyon na ang inabot ko sa panlolokong ginawa niya sa'kin at umabot sa point na pati trabaho at sideline jobs ko ay naapektuhan.

Ang buong akala ko tapos na, natapos na ang katangahan ko, but it's not dahil hindi ko makuha ang mga gamit kong naiwan sa apartment, after kong umalis ay mga ilang araw ay umalis na din si Paul, of course hindi niya kaya magbayad mag-isa dahil nga wala siyang stable job kaya umalis na lang ang gago, and there is no way na titira pa ko sa apartment na 'yon dahil doon ko lang naman sila nahuli ng babae niya. Yeah, ganoon ka-kapal ang pagmumukha ni Paul na dinala pa niya sa tinitirahan namin, sa kama namin ang babae niya.

Hindi ko makuha ang mga gamit ko dahil kinandado na ng may-ari, at nagulat ako sa ibinalita nito sa'kin.

"Sorry, Natalie, kung ako lang ay payag naman ako na hulog-hulugan mo na lang 'yung utang mo sa renta dahil sa ginawa sa'yo ng kinakasama mo kaso ang problema 'yung asawa ko, balikan mo na lang kapag may pambayad ka na ng buo para sa tatlong buwan." sabi ni Mr. Reyes, at binigyan niya ko ng tingin na parang nahahabag siya sa'kin.

Sobrang hiyang-hiya ako ng marinig ang sinabi ng aking landlord. Nagwala kasi talaga ako, noong nahuli ko si Paul sa akto kaya nayanig ang lahat ng nakatira sa apartment building na 'to sa lakas ng sigawan namin tapos dumagdag pa ang problemang ito. Bigla ako'ng nagkaroon ng utang ng wala ako'ng kaalam-alam.

Three months? What the fùck!

I trusted Paul with everything I had: my body, my heart, and my money.

Paul has no stable job, pa- extra extra lang siya as an usher sa isang events company na puro high-ends lang ang tanging nila-launch na product na sobrang dalang naman magkaroon ng clients, siguro sa isang buwan ay mga two to three times lang siya nakakapag-work. Ayaw niyang mag-apply ng kung ano-anong trabaho lang at ang tanging gusto niya lang ay ang sideline lang niya dahil doon daw bagay ang kagwapuhan at at kakisigan niya, back then ay I was blinded at sumasang-ayon ako sa kanya because Paul is really a handsome man, and I love him. At tsaka kapag nagsa-side line siya ay ang laki ng kinikita niyang tip, minsan umaabot pa sa twenty thousand at kung ano-anong expensive things at pagkain ang nauuwi niya sa akin at masaya na ko sa ganoon.

Stupid love!

I was blind by love back then kaya hinayaan ko lang siya, at ako ang naging provider sa aming dalawa. Nakakahiya man aminin but it is, para akong naging sugar mommy sa relasyon namin dahil inako ko mag-isa ang pagbabayad sa rent ng apartment na tinitirahan namin tapos ngayon malalaman ko na hindi pala niya ibinabayad.

Yeah, siya ang inuutusan ko magbayad, mag-pay ng bills at pag-grocery, sa madaling salita ay baliktad ang aming roles na ginagampanan. I was the one who do the work and make money, and he is the one who managed the household. Pero never ko sa kanyang pinaramdam na I am a dominant sa relasyon naming dalawa.

Never ko siyang tinipid sa lahat ng bagay kapag meron akong gustong bilhin katulad ng new clothes, shoes ay I'll make sure na meron din siya dapat. Ang buong akala ko ay siya na ang forever ko dahil nasanay na ko, at tinanggap ko na ang set-up na relasyon namin, modern days na naman kasi ngayon at hindi na bago ang set-up namin. Masasabi kong may times na nag-struggles ako financially pero nagagawan naman ng paraan at nakakaraos kami dahil bukod sa may full time job ako as an office worker ay may online writing sideline jobs din ako na ginagawa ko during my free time.

Pero nagkamali ako, ang buong akala ko ay okay kami, despite lahat ng pagsisikap ko ay hindi pa rin pala siya kuntento sa buhay na meron kami kaya naisipan niya kong lokohin.

Talagang na sa huli talaga ang pagsisisi. Ang pakikipag-live in kay Paul ang masasabi kong pinakatangang desisyon na ginawa ko sa buong buhay ko.

Three months, fùcking three months?! If I remember 'yan ang time na napapansin ko na naging cold na siya sa'kin. It feels like something is off. Panay pa ang tanong ko sa kanya kung may problema siya pero lagi niyang sinasabi na wala daw, at naging madalang na rin ang intimate moments namin kaya parang na-depress ako. Panay ang overthink ko na baka na-fall out of love na siya sa'kin which is totoo pala. Kaya heto ako ngayon gigil na gigil dahil kung ano-anong pumapasok na hindi maganda sa kukote ko. Hindi ko maiwasan na hindi maisip na siguro ginamit niya 'yung pera para ipambabae niya kaya tinawagan ko siya.

Bukod sa sakit sa puso na ginawa niya ay ubos na ubos na rin ako. Wala akong perang ipambabayad sa three months na utang sa rent na wala naman dapat in the first place kaya siya dapat ang magbayad.

"Grabe ka naman mahal pagkatapos mo kong iwan ay ganyan ang unang bungad mo sa'kin." sabi ni Paul, narinig ko pa ang ang kanyang paghikab.

Mukhang kagigising lang ng tamad, sinungaling, cheater at scàmmer kong EX.

Tang-ina, sinong hindi makakapagmura sa hayop na 'to! Kagigising lang niya samantalang ako dito ay nakasakay na ng bus at papasok na sa trabaho na para bang alipin.

Napapaisip ako kung hindi lang siguro ako nakipag-live in sa kanya ay baka madami na kong naipon, baka nakapag-avail na ko ng rent to own condo, nakabili ng kotse at madami na kong ipong pera sa bangko pero hindi ko magawa dahil binuhay ko siya, at sinunod ko ang mga luho niya.

"Oh, I'm sorry nagising ba kita, gusto ko lang kasi ipaalam sa'yo na bukod sa panlolokong ginawa mo sa'kin ay may iba ka pang kasalanan, hindi ko makuha 'yung gamit ko sa apartment dahil hindi ka lang naman nagbayad ng three months, which is hindi naman ako pumapalya sa pagbibigay sa'yo, and now I have no money to pay our landlord, dahil ubos na ubos na ko. Wala na kong mailalabas baka naman pwedeng bayaran mo, tutal tumira ka rin naman doon!" Gigil kong sabi.

Kung pwede nga lang pumasok ako sa loob ng cellphone para pagsasampalin siya ay ginawa ko na.

"Pwede pa rin naman tayo tumira pareho doon, sige na mahal magbalikan na tayo. Maniwala ka naman kasi sa sinasabi ko sa'yo, inakit lang ako ng babaeng 'yon, hindi ko mahal 'yon, sѐx lang 'yon ganap sa'min walang feelings, please naman mahal." Sabi niya sa boses na parang nagmakakaawa.

"Babe, sino kausap mo?" Boses ng babaeng nagsalita sa background.

Napaawang ang labi ko sa narinig ko. The motherfucking lying son of b***h! The audacity. He tried to convince me to get us back together habang kasama niya ang bago niya.

"Wala, nagbebenta lang ng insurance!" Rinig ko pang sabi ni Paul sa babae kaya I decide na i-end na lang ang call.

Para ako'ng tanga na bakit naisipan ko pa siyang tawagan, e alam ko naman na wala rin ako'ng mapapala. Tumingin lang ako sa bintana habang pinupunasan ko ang mga luha ko. Sabi ko hindi na ko iiyak e, pero putang-ina ang sakit, sakit naman kasi ng nangyari sa'kin.

Habang tinitignan ko ang mga sasakyang naandar sa daan ay iniisip ko kung papaano ako'ng magsisimulang muli. Bukod sa durog na durog ang puso ko ay ubos na ubos na rin ang pera ko. Nakikitira lang ako sa kaibigan ko ngayon, at nahihiya ako'ng bumalik at umuwi sa pamilya ko.

They warned me about Paul pero hindi ako nakinig sa kanila, at ginawa ko ang gusto ko and they hated me, my family hates me lalo na ang mom ko.

Habang nag-e-emote ako ay parang nararamdaman ko na bumibilis ang andar ng bus at napakapit ako sa handle ng likurang upuan na nasa harap ko.

"Manong, ang bilis ata ng andar niyo!" Rinig kong sita ng isang pasahero.

"Kumapit kayo ng maigi nawalan tayo ng preno!" Sigaw ng driver na siyang ikinapanic ng lahat ng taong sakay.

Tumigin ako sa katabi kong matanda at nakita ko na may hawak na siyang rosaryo at mukhang sinisimulan na ang pagdadasal.

Puro iyak, sigaw, at dasal ang naririnig ko dito sa loob ng bus na sobrang bilis ang andar.

Oh, God! Am I going to die? You know what, maybe this is my fate. Sa ganitong sitwasyon ay may nakakaligtas at meron hindi pero sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko ay bahala na kung mamamatay ako.

I'm going to turn 30 years old, I have no house, no one to love, and no savings... and I'm ready to die.

And then we slammed into something hard, and darkness consumed me.

________________

NATALIE

"God damn you, Paul, how dare you do this to me!"

The old woman beside me on the bus glanced over. We were on the double seat, and I was by the window, yelling at my good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend. I could tell she was judging me, but I didn't care.

I was seething with rage at the worthless man I was talking to on the phone. I couldn't even fathom how I'd fallen for such a lazy, womanizing son of a b***h. He caused me so much stress and depression with his cheating that it affected my job and my side hustles.

I thought it was over, that my foolishness was done. But it wasn't, because I couldn't get my things from the apartment. A few days after I left, Paul also left. Of course, he couldn't afford the rent alone since he didn't have a stable job, so the idiot just left. And there was no way I was going back to that apartment, because that's where I caught him with his side chick. Yeah, Paul dared to bring his woman to our place, to our bed.

I couldn't get my things because the landlord had locked the place up. And I was shocked by what he told me.

"Sorry, Natalie, if it were up to me, I'd let you pay your rent in installments, considering what your partner did to you. But the problem is my wife. Just come back when you can pay the full three months' worth," Mr. Reyes said, giving me a look of pity.

I was mortified to hear my landlord's words. I had really lost it when I caught Paul in the act, so everyone in the apartment building heard our screaming. And now this problem was added to the pile. Suddenly, I was in debt without even knowing it.

Three months? What the fùck!

I trusted Paul with everything I had: my body, my heart, and my money.

Paul didn't have a stable job; he just worked part-time as an usher at an events company that only launched high-end products, and they rarely had clients. Maybe he worked two to three times a month. He didn't want to apply for just any job; he only wanted his sideline because he said his looks and charisma were suited for it. Back then, I was blinded and agreed with him because Paul really is a handsome man, and I loved him. And when he did his sideline, he earned a lot in tips, sometimes up to twenty thousand, and he'd bring me expensive things and food, and I was happy with that.

Stupid love!

I was blinded by love back then, so I just let him be, and I became the provider for both of us. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. I was like a sugar mommy in our relationship because I single-handedly paid the rent for the apartment we lived in, and now I find out he wasn't paying it.

Yeah, I was the one who told him to pay the bills and buy groceries. In short, our roles were reversed. I was the one who worked and made money, and he was the one who managed the household. But I never made him feel like I was dominant in our relationship.

I never scrimped on him for anything. Whenever I wanted to buy something for myself, like new clothes or shoes, I made sure he got something too. I really thought he was my forever because I got used to it, and I accepted the setup of our relationship. After all, it's modern times, and our setup isn't new anymore. I can say there were times I struggled financially, but I always found a way, and we managed to get by because, aside from my full-time job as an office worker, I also had online writing side jobs that I did during my free time.

But I was wrong. I thought we were okay, but despite all my efforts, he still wasn't content with the life we had, so he decided to cheat on me.

Regret really does come at the end. Living with Paul was the stupidest decision I've ever made in my life.

Three months, f*****g three months?! If I remember right, that's when I started noticing he was getting cold towards me. It felt like something was off. I kept asking him if there was a problem, but he always said there wasn't, and our intimate moments became rare, so I started to feel depressed. I kept overthinking that maybe he had fallen out of love with me, which turned out to be true.

So here I am, fuming, because all sorts of bad thoughts are running through my head. I can't help but think that maybe he used the money for his other woman, so I called him. Aside from the heartbreak he caused, I'm also completely drained. I have no money to pay for the three months' rent debt that shouldn't even be my responsibility in the first place - he should be the one to pay.

"Wow, babe, after you left me, that's the first thing you say to me?" Paul said, and I even heard him yawn.

Looks like my lazy, lying, cheating, scammer EX just woke up.

Damn it, who wouldn't curse at this bastard! He just woke up while I'm already on the bus on my way to work, slaving away.

I can't help but think that if I hadn't lived with him, maybe I would have saved a lot, maybe I could have availed a rent-to-own condo, bought a car, and had a lot of money in the bank, but I couldn't do that because I supported him and gave in to his whims.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you up? I just wanted to let you know that, aside from cheating on me, you also did something that would add up to ruining my life. You f*****g liar - you didn't just fail to pay three months' rent, which I never missed giving you, and now I have no money to pay our landlord because I'm completely drained. I have nothing left, maybe you could pay it, since you lived there too!" I said angrily.

If I could just go through the phone and slap him, I would have.

"We can still live there together, come on, babe, let's get back together. Please believe me, that woman just seduced me, I don't love her, it was just s*x, no feelings, please, babe." He said in a pleading voice.

"Babe, who are you talking to?" I heard a woman's voice in the background.

My jaw dropped when I heard that. The motherfucking lying son of a b***h! The audacity. He tried to convince me to get back together while his new girl was with him.

"No one, just someone selling insurance!" I heard Paul say to the woman, so I decided to end the call.

I felt so stupid for even thinking of calling him when I knew nothing good would come out of it. I just looked out the window while wiping my tears. I told myself I wouldn't cry anymore, but damn, it hurts, it really hurts because of what happened to me.

While I was looking at the cars moving along the road, I was thinking about how I would start over. Not only is my heart completely shattered, but I’m also completely broke.

I’m currently staying at a friend’s place, and I feel embarrassed to go back home to my family. They warned me about Paul, but I didn’t listen to them, and I did what I wanted, and they hated me, my family hates me, especially my mom.

While I was feeling emotional, I started to notice the bus was speeding up, and I grabbed onto the handle of the seat in front of me.

"Sir, you’re driving too fast," I heard a passenger complain.

"Hold on tight, we’ve lost our brakes!" The bus driver shouted, which made everyone on board panic.

I looked at the old woman beside me and saw that she was already holding a rosary and seemed to be starting to pray. All I could hear inside the bus was cries, screams, and prayers as the bus sped up.

Oh, God! Am I going to die? You know what, maybe this is my fate. In situations like this, some survive, and some don’t, but with everything that’s happened in my life, whatever happens, happens.

I’m going to turn 30 years old, I have no house, no one to love, and no savings... and I’m ready to die.

And then we slammed into something hard, and darkness consumed me.