Tainted Entropies

STUPOR.1

CONTENT WARNING: LANGUAGE, SELF-HARM, ABUSE

[Sunday. April 3. 16:36]

A rather sunny afternoon was chased away by mottled clouds of orange and pinks when Kael hurried out of the vestry, running across the same path he used to take whenever he ran away from clean-up duties inside the church.

Ah, why did it have to be him that should do groceries for Louise when she could easily do it herself? Or she could have made Karlos do it, if she really didn’t want to! Had she given a single thought about what he was doing when she rang his phone?

He was in the middle of a f*****g mass, good God!

Throwing his board on the concrete road and hopping on to it as it rolled down the slope, he groaned in frustration.

Really, the nuns had almost torn his head off when the sharp ringing of his phone caused an awful lot of disturbance to the spacious cathedral. What’s worse was that the high ceiling of the cavern amplified the noise! It was the first time in his life that he hated the architectural design of it.

Wind blew on his face as he descended the hill, leaves rustled as he sped past them. Kael calmed himself.

It could have been worse, he told himself.

And then worst case scenario in his mind was far off from what just happened: if Arthur had attended the mass, Kael would f**k up his duties big time, and would surely have him really lose his head to the nuns.

If Arthur had attended, Kael would be devoured by the guilt and shame that it renders him dysfunctional the whole mass.

Thankful that he hasn’t caught sight even a bit of Arthur’s shadow since the last time he saw him, Kael’s mood lit up.

There’s always a silver lining, he thought to himself as he took a different turn so that he could go directly to the market and buy ingredients for dinner tonight.

After such an arduous task, he managed to hail a tricycle while holding on to so much paper bags along with his skateboard. It was a pretty short ride, since the town of Tagpuan really was small to the point that almost everyone knew each other. Naturally, even the tricycle driver knew where to drop Kael off.

“Thank you.” He tipped his head at the driver after paying for the ride. The vehicle drove off to the end of the street, turning on the corner, and then vanishing from sight.

Kael huffed out a sigh of relief before stealing a glance at the Nyland’s residence. Seeing that Arthur’s Audi was nowhere in sight, he came to a conclusion that the man might have been forced to come with Inka somewhere to quell her ‘anger’.

Hah. If that could even be called anger.

Such an angelic face turning so cold and emotionless in sight of such infidelity was truly a skill that Kael had seen for the first time in his life! He had never seen her act like anything but angelic (and annoying), so it came to him with such a shock—horror, even.

Well, at least he will never be subject to such treatment.

As he entered the house, the first thing he heard was Karlos’ unrestrained hooting on the living room. Sitting on the same position on the couch when Kael had left for church.

Kael shook his head in disappointment before he treaded his way towards the kitchen, where he could hear the clanking of pots on the sink.

“‘Ma,” he called. The word tasted odd as it rolled down his tongue, and maybe it also sounded odd when it reached Louise’s ears for her to make such a disgusted reaction.

“Put it there on the island,” she said before turning back to her task.

Kael hesitated before putting down the bags of grocery on the kitchen island before him. He hissed as he mulled over the thought of asking for the money he spent on buying the groceries.

After all, it was his own money that he was planning to use for another canvas to paint on.

“What is it?” Louise asked. She seemed to notice that he was still inside the kitchen. “What do you want?”

Kael grimaced for being thrown on the hot seat. “Well . . . uh. The money—”

“What money? The money you used to buy these? Isn’t that your father’s?” she instantly replied, more aggressively that he would have expected.

But still, it was expected.

Pursing his lips, he nodded. She had a point. It was still his father’s since it was just his savings from the monthly allowance that was given to him back then. Technically, it was still his father’s.

Turning away and walking back to his room, he wondered if he would be allowed to take up a job so that he could at least help in lessening the financial burden on his father’s shoulders, and to gain money from his own hard work.

Would it make his father mad? Surely it wouldn’t, since it will help them a lot, right?

Shortly after, Kael’s ears almost perked up like that of a wary cat when the sounds of the familiar—almost anxiety-inducing sound of Apollo Angeles’ vehicle was heard throughout the house. And then when the engines finally calmed down, Kael’s heart did the exact opposite.

Apollo’s arrival meant that dinner was ready. And dinner wasn’t really something that Kael looked forward to. He had always endured how his father and Louise badmouthed just about anyone who had done a misstep in their poor, poor lives.

His chest tightened as he greeted his father before sitting down at the table with Karlos and Louise, who was also in their best behaviour.

Too bad that façade only took three seconds to break, since Apollo Angeles started the dinner conversation with an: “I heard that the governor’s swan of a daughter tried to jump off a building earlier this morning.” He scoffed in contempt before touching his forehead, his chest, and both his shoulders, to form a sign of the cross.

Kael did just the same before watching his father take the first scoops of rice. Unfortunately, while he was waiting for his turn, he heard Louise’s snarky remark on the other side of the table.

“Oh, like what that Angelo boy did years ago, huh.” She rolled her eyes. “Children these days are too fragile due to their upbringing,” she added mockingly.

Kael stopped the urge to speak up. To bring up and mock someone who’s not even with them. Rude!

“True. I don’t understand why the De Leon’s would allow their son to study ballet. That’s for girls, good God, was he gay?” He passed her the rice before looking at the variety of dishes in front of him to pick from.

Hands clenched under the table, Kael tried to calm himself down.

It was f****d.

Really f****d.

When everyone was already eating, Apollo started talking bout Karlos’ first year in college. “You should do well this coming academic year like Mikael here, who managed to be a dean’s lister.” He glanced at Kael before throwing back his attention to Karlos.

Kael’s heart lurched at the mention of his name. Him being mentioned was enough, but to be praised along with it? He looked down on his plate and silently continued to eat his food to hide the ghost of his smile.

“Yes, ‘Pa,” replied Karlos in a clipped tone.

“Mn. The both of you should do well because college is f*****g expensive. If you fail, then I’ll have you dropped out not a second later,” he warned.

Pursing his lips at the opportunity, Kael fought the urge to tell his father about his plans on applying for a job. However, when Apollo spoke yet again about the financial situation Karlos’ education brought upon them, Kael decided to try it out.

Maybe he could gain his favour again.

Praised, even. For taking the initiative to generate money on his own.

“‘Pa, I was planning on taking up a job my friend offered—”

“About what?”

Kael’s throat ran dry. “A cashier at a café . . .”

Apollo grunted, sounding derisive. “And what about your church duties?”

Just then, before Kael could open his mouth, Karlos’ voice interjected between the conversation.

“Eh? Of course he will quit. After all, he’s been very vocal about it.” Karlos took a spoonful of his rice as he locked gazes with Kael who sat adjacent to him. “Right?”

There was an air of aggressiveness lacing his voice, and Kael could only wonder what he had done to upset his brother again.

Afraid that his father might take it the wrong way, Kael quickly shook his head. “I wasn’t—” When his eyes shifted to look at Apollo’s reaction, he stiffened on the spot.

Ah, he f****d up.

“So you’re using money as a bargaining chip for you to stop serving the church?” Despite his voice sounding deeper and deeper, the volume of it seemed to go louder; it became more unpleasant to the ears. He slammed his clenched fist on the table, knuckles turning white from the way it was curled on itself.

Kael’s eyes were drawn to the familiar sight of clenched fists. If it could laugh, he would most certainly hear it laugh—finally, after months, his face was going to feel the tips of that knuckles yet again.

And despite it being so long since the last time, Kael still trembled beneath it like he did when he was introduced to its pain at the young age of seven.

Lips quivering from anxiety, Kael tried to explain himself. “I wasn’t . . . wasn’t trying to—I just wanted to help—”

“So now you’re looking down on me?! I can provide for this family alone!”

“That’s not what I . . . That’s not what I meant!” He gasped when he heard the sound of fist slamming on to table. “I’m sorry, I'm sorry—”

Ah, but what good was there to apologise now?

Kael knew that whether or not he apologised, his father’s fists when clenched would only uncurl itself after punching something that doesn’t fight back—in this case, it’s Kael.

His voice was cut off when the felt the first rain of punches landing straight on his face. Instantly, the familiar clogging of his nose that preluded a nosebleed was felt, along with the stinging sensation on his lower lip.

Despite the irony smell drowning him, he managed to hold himself upright. He knew very well that the only way to receive less punches was to receive it all. And dodging one punch would only earn him two more.

However, he couldn’t help but cover himself from such attacks—perhaps it was survival instinct that he dropped on the floor, curling on himself and covering his head.

It really was a bad idea to even try to dodge, Kael realised when the punches turned into kicks on his back and even managed to reach his stomach. “No more,” he whispered, barely audible that it only sounded like a whimper before he was again striked on his stomach.

Ah, despite being old enough to leave, he was still wrapped around the fingers of his father. Kael told himself to just bear with it. Just a little bit longer. Until he can finally leave.

The acrid bile that Kael oh so prevented from tasting, shot up his throat, and even managed to spill out from his nostrils while he tasted the bitter on his tongue.

It was all too familiar.

Closing his eyes to wait until Apollo Angeles had enough, he heard the voices around him clearly.

“Serves him right.”

“Don’t be like that. He can still hear you.”

Ah, how he hated it.

And how he hated that he could do nothing about it.

Apollo’s voice thundered above him. “The food inside your mouth came from my money, and my money alone, remember that! All you need to do is serve the church and study! Don’t be so audacious!”

Kael’s vision blurred and swirled as his head felt like crushing from the weight of his father’s foot. And it wasn’t as if the floor was particularly soft, either.

Speaking up really was a mistake. Clearly, it will only warrant him such treatment. And he didn’t want any more of it.

He chose to stay silent until the aggressive kicks and shouts became calmer and calmer, and eventually stopped altogether.

By the time his father was finished, Karlos was already back on the couch, playing games on the television screen; and Louise has already finished washing the dishes.

Kael pursed his lips, however even the simple action seared another wave of pain, for he discovered that his lips was busted.

Mn. The nonchalance that everyone in the household aired at such a disturbing situation.

Hah. Devout Christians, they said? God-fearing, they claimed? Kind-hearted, they proclaimed?

What a sham.

Kael swallowed, pushing back the bitterness down his throat as he walked silently out of the front door. Where he was going was not his priority just yet. It was that he needed to get out of there first.

And when he finally did, he whipped out his phone and wiped the tears that blurred his vision. Arthur couldn’t be reached, and only Joaquin could be rang at such an hour where everyone was eating their dinner. He decided to not call anyone at all.

He walked with his head tipped down in order to hide his face from passers-by. However, it looked like his legs were almost giving out whenever he took a step forward, that strangers walking around even asked if he was fine.

Fine? Of course he was.

He wiped the blood that was still dripping down his chin with the hem of his shirt before looking up at Joaquin's house. It was a miracle that he actually managed to get there and ring the doorbell before collapsing into unconsciousness.