"Smile, You're Dead" Silent Battles

depression2

**Day 5: Should I just disappear?**

Oh, those years... Those were the worst years of my life. I felt anxious and scared, helpless and lonely and nonexistent, but when I sit among them, and they say that these were the best years they had together, I can't help but continue lying. Am I looking the wrong way? Or am I destined to suffer? How much I hate fake relationships. The world outside is so scary. I feel like I'm a danger to everyone.

**Day 6: I hope to find an ending I deserve, after everything I went through.**

"My problem is the details. I am not good at ignoring details. One word in a long conversation makes me sad. A deadly memory crosses my mind and changes my mood for several days.

Small details kill me severely, as if I am drifting into misery day after day. I am never good at choosing the right path. You always find me wrong. I turned to despair when I exhausted all my attempts. I became like the corners of the rooms. I stand firm so that I do not become wreckage and destroy myself and the place.

I no longer have the ability to hold on. I made a lot of effort despite my young age, and how I wished for the days to pass and forgot that they were my age, but my schizophrenia increases every day.

My lack of patience and wisdom in some periods of my life cost me a lot. Everything was going away... but as it went away, it left some things that cannot go away."

**Day 7: The situation inside me is very bad.**

I am not dying from isolation or suffocating, I am dying from society, from crowding, from the chaos of the world, and from the noise of my constant thinking. I want to sleep, and by that, I mean for all the things that are awake inside me to fall asleep, for the longing, disappointments, wounds, and the sound of crying to fall asleep. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.

**Day 8: Talk to someone? Therapist? Get Help?**

They force you to talk about what's wrong with you. You talk and talk but they don't understand. You don't know if it's because you can't explain or because they can't comprehend, but simply don't try because they didn't and won't understand.

They think that you're the one who chose all this for yourself and that you're resigned to the matter, but they don't know your serious attempts to get out of it before this surrender that you're in.

**Day 9: There is something... suffocating me inside me.*

**Forty thousand years of human language and you can't find a single letter that describes the feeling inside you completely.**

Like a sad cactus that doesn't cry, because it realizes that if it cries for a hundred years, no one will embrace it. The only bad thing here is everything.

Every time I resist, I feel like I'm in the middle of a fire and I resist it with my body. I was resisting the burning of my soul until it went out. Midnight is painful and the time after it is even more painful. The night wasn't dense, I was me.

**Day 10: I'm losing my f*****g mind**

In the past, sleep was easy. As soon as the light went out, sleep would come. But now, whenever we turn off the lights to sleep, thought lights its candles until morning.