"Smile, You're Dead" Silent Battles

deepression3

Suddenly I felt a terrible extinction, and suddenly I felt that I was the happiest person in the world. My contradictions are endless. I was afraid of strange things. I am afraid of myself when I remain steadfast in the face of harsh things. I am afraid when I do not cry in front of things that call me to cry, and I am afraid when I remain silent despite the noise in my head and all the words in my chest.

I am afraid for myself when I receive all the shocks with complete calm. I am afraid of the idea that this steadfastness will suddenly collapse, and I will not be able to get up again.

**Day 11: Where is my soul?**

My soul was lost among sorrows, and I searched for it everywhere and did not find it. I also searched in my dark room and did not find it. I remembered later that my soul had withered, so I looked around me right and left, but I did not see any person. So I asked myself: Why can't I reconcile with you, my soul?

From here I realized the truth of life: life goes on despite all circumstances. I realized that the circumstances of life change from time to time. We go through beginnings and endings, meetings and farewells, difficulties and crises. Either we overcome all of that with determination and persistence and then succeed, or we suffer and complain and then fail.

**Day 12: A volcano of words and attitudes that I tried to hide will explode**

Sometimes a person keeps silent because he can't find a single word to express himself. He keeps silent when he feels that no one cares about him. Even if someone tries to know what's saddening him, the reason is curiosity, nothing more. After that, he will say his usual words. We are all like this. That's why we choose silence because it's better than talking to people who don't appreciate feelings.

I have started to suppress everything inside me so that no one sees me as weak when I talk about what is inside me. My heart becomes weak when I sit alone at night in my dark room, and all of that is due to too much suppression. Inside me are many words that accumulate day after day. I have become unable to speak about what is going on inside me, perhaps because there is no one to listen to me or because I do not have people with whom I can talk with complete comfort. But when that day comes I will not be able to continue suppressing it.

**Day 13: The truth**

When I was young, I used to hear about depression, frustration, and isolation from people. I was surprised by the people who suffered from it because I used to see life as easy and wonderful. But now I discovered that it wasn't like that. Now I understand their suffering, and I discovered that they weren't lying or pretending when they isolated themselves and that they didn't like it as I thought. A depressed person is not a sick person in my opinion. Rather, he is a person who saw the world and its people as they really are and was unable to deal with all this ugliness.

I know that I am on the wrong path. I know that the state I have reached does not suit my youth. I know how dangerous it is for me to continue on this path, and I know that no one but me will bear the consequences of this path. I know stories of hope by heart, and I can tell you about the bleakness of my unknown future that awaits me simply because I am too lazy to take a step in the present. I am suffering, but my suffering is not just in depression, or loneliness, or despair, but in the loss of passion.

**Day 14: Don't ask me how I am doing**

Don't ask me how I am: because I am always fine, no matter how I feel and no matter what the circumstances are. I know how to overcome everything on my own without needing people, because I see that needing people is weakness, and I hate being weak in my own eyes, even for a few seconds.

There is a part inside me that no one knows about so that I don't see looks of pity and sympathy from anyone. I always show my smile to everyone, but there is a feeling inside me that almost kills me.

You feel that you are living your life, but in reality, you are dead inside, and you feel that your heart is beating slowly. Certainly, these words will not make you feel what I have been through, but I want to tell you that now I have become without a soul and without a life.

**Day 15: I wish to forget**

In the quiet night, there are those who struggle with their thoughts. There are those who suffer because of memories.

There are those who try to forget. There are those who try to escape from reality, and there are people who do not sleep because of a hurtful word that was said to them.

But when we were children, we used to try to stay up a lot, but sleep overcame us. Today, we wish to forget for a moment without thinking about anything throughout the night.

Sometimes a person feels the need to escape from himself and his thoughts that lead him to collapse every day, so much so that he wants to stop where he is and take a break from all of this.

But the real prison of a person is his mind, which keeps him facing the past, and to obtain freedom from it requires calmness.