COLD MESS

HOME SWEET HOME

Home Sweet Home

Abhijeet went out with grief in his face, Abhijeet cannot take the fact Riva felt cursed to be his daughter. His mind wasn't able to think anything. He came to the hall, sat on the couch and kept on thinking about everything Riva said to him in anger, how embarrassed she was for calling him her Dad. But that thing about relations, you can't take soft harness of your loved ones,] and sometimes we behave like jerks in these peaceful relations because we don't give that much importance of being loved selflessly by anyone. Riva loved her father selflessly, and she was never embarrassed by the fact that Abhijeet is her father. It's so natural no girl can be embarrassed by their father, and also fathers love their daughter selflessly.

RIVA'S POV

Dear diary 

13/7/2022(2 years ago the incident)

He went outside with the grief in his face, and I was a jerk to him. A  jerk seriously!! I feel guilty till now because he was trying to be friendly and came in my room to cheer me up, and what I did !! I  still can't get out that guiltiness for lying to him about how embarrassed I am to be his daughter. But actually, I was never embarrassed and why would any daughter be? But the thing is it's all in my head, because when you tell yourself that you don't matter we often do terrible things to ourselves and to others who are important to us. I forgot to say to myself that time about how these things work in your life. When you hold yourself accountable in any situation, everything changes for good. When we know what we do and for whom we matter, we often take responsibility for loving, supporting and taking care of ourselves and of others too for whom we matter. It's straightforward that if we don't want anyone from our loved ones to behave like a jerk to us, then who we are to be for them. But most of all, we don't give ourselves the importance of being loved by anyone.

                        I was quite guilty for my words, but I was still cold from inside and as well as from outside so I didn't go out from my room to say sorry to him and till this time, I still didn't say sorry for my harsh words. The moment he left my room, all I could do was to fall on my knees, the whole place was quiet, and I was too. I remember resting my back on the footboard of the bed. I was there till the time I had a knock on the door. I don't know what I was thinking, but I wasn't able to hear the knock twice. Somehow I was able to listen to the third one. I suddenly came back to the real world, and I put myself back on my feet. I opened the door. It was Vivaan.

VIVAAN- HEY!! We are going to Nani's house, Mom & Dad are asking are you ready?

RIVA-may is in five minutes.

VIVAAN- OKAY! Then make it quick, we are about to leave.     

RIVA- YEAH!!

After talking to me, he went towards the hall, and I again closed the door.  My Packing is done. I just had to change clothes, but I was in such a hurry to go to naani's house, so I just looked at myself in the mirror and said 'perfect'. I didn't change my clothes and went outside the room with my luggage. 

I went outside with luggage, and again they were staring at me, I wasn't able to see in the eyes of them.

ADAHA-Are you are going to come to these clothes.

I looked at myself in the mirror which was in the hall, and while watching myself, I said that it's okay if I wear this.

VIVAAN-NO WAY! You are not going to wear this. You are grown up now Riva. Take care of yourself.

ADAHA-HEY!!Who the hell are you Vivaan to tell her what to wear and how to take care of herself? I think she can take care of herself and her clothes.

VIVAAN-WHATEVER mom!!

ADAHA-Are you ready RIMU[to riva]

RIVA-Yesss!!

While my mom and Vivaan were talking, Dad was sitting on one side of the couch and thinking something dire. Suddenly mom called Dad. He didn't listen to her on the first call. After that, Vivaan puts his hand over Dad's shoulder; he suddenly comes to the real world.

VIVAAN- HEY!!! Dad are you alright?? You seem tense.

ABHIJEET-No!! I am okay, you all ready then let's go.

We all sat in the car, and journey to naani's house started, on a complete trip, I didn't speak a word. Even my Dad was quiet, and mom was listening to music and my brother too. So we reached naani's house after 4 hours of travel.

Abhijeet was sitting on the couch with a rugged look, thinking something. Adha came, sit next to Abhijeet. She was worried because of the argument that happened in Riva's room between Abhijeet and Riva. She asks him what Riva said. Abhijeet replies in a low tone.

ABHIJEET- she doesn't want me Adha(looking towards his wife with the glittery eyes)

ADHA- no!, you are the one who was telling me to give her some time (while whipping out her face)

ABHIJEET-yeah!the way she talks and looks in our eyes, she hates us Adha(with anxious face)

ADHA- she never can hate you don't worry(while side hugging Abhijeet)

ABHIJEET-what she wants us to do, let her be like this always  broken (with the wave of frustration)

ADHA- she wants us to drop her to her naani's (grandmother's)place.

ABHIJEET-okay then ask her to get ready I will drop her today, If you also want to meet your mom then you also get ready(while standing up to wash her face)

Adha calls Vivaan and asks him to go and ask Riva, whether she is ready or not? Vivaan was on his phone texting to someone; he didn't reply to his mom. But he had listened to her, so he was going towards Riva's room. Riva was in her room, resting her back on the footboard of the bed. She was lost somewhere, and the place was quiet; it was pin-drop silence. Suddenly there was the knock on the door. She was lost in her world. She didn't hear the Knock twice, Third time she got little attention when she listened to her brother's voice outside the door.

VIVAAN-RIVA! RIVA !!

RIVA- yes!coming(in the low voice while standing up)

Riva moved fast towards the door to open it. She took a deep breath before opening the door.

VIVAAN- are you dumb or what?

RIVA- what's the matter?

VIVAAN- mom told me to get ready if you want to go 

RIVA- where?

VIVAAN- naan's place

RIVA- I will be ready in five minutes

VIVAAN-yeah 

Riva closed the door and again started packing the rest of other things, and she was done packing her books. All she left with her clothes and daily care products she used and her medicines. Riva starts moving towards the table, which is next to the door. Riva opened the drawer of the table. She opened the secretive drawer where she kept her diary and with that her sleeping pills.

She takes out her sleeping pills and her diary, She packs them with her accessories. After packing everything, she took a deep breath while looking in the mirror. She didn't fell a need to change her clothes to leave home. She moves out fastly with her luggage in the hall, Riva saw her Dad sitting on the couch. She didn't talk to anyone. Everyone was looking towards her.

ADHA- Riva ready?

RIVA-yeah, I am ready.

VIVAAN-doesn't look like that(while judging her clothes )

ADHA-you don't tell her how to dress up, she knows her comfort zone.

VIVAAN- I am not telling her anything maa, why you keep doing it like this?

ADHA-okay stop! are you ready(while putting her hand on Abhijeet's shoulder)

Abhijeet is suddenly coming out of mind, looking everywhere. Does Abhijeet ask Adha that are they ready to go? Adha reply that we are prepared to leave. Abhijeet starts the car, and they leave for Khosalya's home.

RIVA'S POV(PRESENTLY)

Dear diary

In the whole journey, I thought that did I say too much to him?? Does he deserve to listen to all that I said!! I was being tangled in this. Also, I was thinking about his sad and quiet face which he had when he was sitting over the couch and then his actions which he did to us in the last ten years. The whole journey ends up by thinking this only. The moment I used to decide that  I should say sorry, suddenly I start having those feelings that I do not feel like saying sorry to him because he doesn't deserve to be respected and that's the ugliest thing any child can think of for his /her parents. If I really could change or do something by going back to that moment, I would have slapped the Riva of that time. Whatever happens with you or whatever part of your destruction he did in your life then also he deserves to be respected because he is your FATHER and no one can change that not even god.

But how can I forget those nights when he used to come home drunk. It's a part of the daily routine. I used to be in between mom & Dad with the fear of getting hurt by him. But I cannot even run from there like my elder brother used to hide under the bed, I always have a fear that he will hurt mom so for her, I used to hide my scarred face and act like a fearless person. My mom is a soft lady, and she is not at all strong emotionally. She can't even see us going through the pain of injection; she `is like a child. It's more like me telling her to be okay, don't cry !!  She is a very innocent human who can't handle all this alone. That time I have to act strong for her, that she should never feel that "something very wrong is happening around her" I never wanted her to give up emotionally and have those breakdowns. Most of all she used to have, but at that time, I used to be her emotional support by telling her that it's okay mom.

Sometimes I find it very funny but at the same time feel proud of myself that being a girl of 8 years, I was capable of showing the maturity of the 18-year girl, but now I am an  18-year girl, but I'm NOT even capable of a single breakdown. Sometimes I feel helpless for feeling this way, but the pain and emptiness don't leave me, all I can do is to hide always. I don't want to go out of my room, stay there forever. Until I am feeling like this, have a big fear of showing my real emotions to people. Sometimes there is a time when I couldn't handle and burst into tears, and that is the worst of all I can have because that moment I have to tell the reason to other people for my tears. I try to act innocent and soft girl that time so they can have this in their minds that I can cry on tiny problems. Like my favourite slipper is turned out in pieces by the dog, not able to learn my favourite dance step or my biology teacher is seriously a b***h and always taunt me. I can cry on these excuses in front of them, but, in reality, they were never an issue for me. I never forget to have a big smile on my face because this way, I can hide my sad face. I never show people my everyday look, because I don't have one. I always show them my two eyes. The first one is a laughing face and the second one is a crying face. This is what you have to go through when you forget to live your childhood by facing every single reality. I feel sorry for myself for not having any person in my life who can tell me that it's okay to cry hard and still feel like crying. That we should take the honour to express what we think and you don't have to feel insulted for feeling what you are feeling, that my feelings are the purpose of that almighty one. So that you can start having a wave of peace and healing, and at one point in time, you will be okay and out of these nightmares. Now when I still have the sufferings of those nights, one thing which makes me guilty is that "I shouldn't be so harsh on my self by keeping all the emotions inside me".

Till this time whenever I saw them fighting, I still get freeze up for the moment and again go through those nights in my mind.  I cried hard after those experiences that maybe this way, my emotions will be out, and I won't feel what I am feeling, but that doesn't go away. That pitiful feeling doesn't go away. My Dad was not the only one due to which I think this way there are plenty,y of reasons because of which I feel this way, but he did start everything for me. Just by acting in a selflessly protective way for others, this is what you get back. Your unhappiness, own sadness, and guilt for not being what you are at that time. I have that Constant pressure on myself at that time to act strong, and how to be strong ?? By just not giving time to your emotions.

The journey for Naani's house ends up by telling myself that I am not going to say sorry to him. He did betray me as a dad by taking my childhood, by making me and my brother suffer from all this when we were so innocent that we don't have any idea what depression feels. Because for us, what we are feeling is something which we cannot describe. We always stay in between them by protecting mom from Dad because their fight turns out to be physical abuse. I remember sitting alone in the class on the last bench for two years in my school. Not even the teacher did pay attention to me that why she always stayed somewhere mentally, I never was mentally in my class. All the time, I used to think about mom dad and praying to have this day without fights and safe most of all. I remember that I got slapped twice because of this habit by my mathematics teacher. She asked every student to bring a mathematics activity book for the next day, and I forgot to bring it because I didn't have any idea when she told us? So next she gave me a warning and asked me to get the next day to that, but again I forgot .she slapped me on the third day.she warned me" if you didn't bring the book after this day you have to go with me to the principal office ".On the fourth day, I did take a book absentmindedly with me to school, but the book wasn't the mathematics activity book, so I was taken to the principal office. I have a list of the incidents which happened with me in the previous years and in which my mistake was elementary that I was absent in the class mentally. In one experience, I didn't notice the remark written on the blackboard which deals with information about computer formative assessment written test which was going to happen on the last working day of that week. Because I didn't have any idea of the exam and I don't have friends too, so I ended up scoring two marks out of fifty. I never really told anyone about these incidents till this date until now, my mom used to get to know about these incidents at parent-teacher meetings. My mom used to think that  I was trying to be a Brat kid. But I never tried to be one.

We reached Nani's house. I hugged her tight. She was delighted to see us. My Nani was a wonderful lady. She was smart, open-minded and very close to me. Nani was ancient and used to be ill all the time because of that, naani turns out to be very weak physically. With her, it was so easy for me to be myself, most of all she used to make me la, ugh. She had an enjoyable sarcasm and humour in her talks. I used to love it. Before this, I stayed with her for three months. In those three months, I ignored every single individual who put me into never-ending tears.

After reaching the naani's house, we all settle down on the couch by making ourselves comfortable there. I was waiting very severely for mom & Dad to leave. It was becoming hard for me to see them talking or listen to them talking. While they were talking I started using my phone, the moment I opened the phone I saw the notification of the text from Avanti. Avanti is my best friend, the only fortunate thing that happened to me in the last two years. I  was being too clumsy in the previous two years and tangled with my small things. But being with her don,t make me uncomfortable and tangle. I laugh with her most often and sometimes I do share my insecurities with her, it's effortless to do with her. Most of all, I don't have any fear to talk about myself and being judged for my clumsiness.