Heads And Tails

Disinterested

Connor

I don't know why I had to be put in such a low scale on the food chain. It’s almost like someone picked me as their thesis to take part of and I can't escape till all their research is done. And I find it rather annoying because I would do anything to escape this torment that is being in high school, with no friends and no intent in anything other than my studies with the high hopes I can get out of this town and start over in college. But in a year and a half that can be my reality so until then i will just accept my fate and keep pushing forward because what else is there to do.

I’m at lunch eating in my usual spot all alone lost in some book and I don't know if it's just me but him looking at me did not make me feel good. Mostly because he was one of my terrorizers, Zack Miller. The most popular guy in our school and the strongest and just the guy that everyone wanted to be or they wanted to be his friend. He was built like a tree, strong and tall with a lot of muscles and those icy blue eyes that stand out so much against his tan skin just stare at me until I crumble like the wimp I am. If my mind drifted far enough I would say he’s cute but his personality sucks and that’s that.

I wish I could never see his stupid face again but that’s impossible because no matter where I am he is always just there to torment me or play some sick joke one me. Always calling me nerdy and cute and just random things to get under my skin.

Last week I was just minding my own business and he came up to ask me if I had any lunch money. It was pretty intimidating. His eyes were dark and staring at me like I was some prey to him so I ran away before he could beat me up to take it.

I finally felt him look away from me so I looked over and saw him with his girlfriend Sarah. She was the prettiest girl in school but she was a b***h and she often picked on me too. What a match made in heaven.

Time passed by and lunch was finally over. I left quickly before I could get stuck in the herd of people and maybe seen by a bully and went straight to my locker. I opened it to find notes from random people telling me how nerdy or ugly I was. God I hate highschool you fall low on the food chain and everyone higher than you finds ways to just eat you.

I pushed them all aside and grabbed my calculus book that was so heavy and my binder which was no help to the weight. I had finally managed to get a hold of it myself when someone bumped into me really hard. I was so shocked by the force that I fell down and my books went flying on the floor. Whoever did this did it purposely because no accident could have me flying this far.

I went to pick up my books and just stayed silent hoping that whoever just did that leaves me alone and is satisfied just by this minor inconvenience they have caused me. But I see a pair of hands come into my line of vision and just by the size of them I can tell that they belong to Zack. I grew confused as to why he was helping me. I looked around and saw no one was around us meaning he was the only one that could have hit me that hard. “Why are you helping me?” I asked him, looking confused as if he was unaware of how we got here.

“Can’t let a cute nerd just pick up his books alone.” He said with a smirk on his face causing me to grow more frustrated with the situation.

“You don’t have to help the nerd if you don’t want to.” He laughed and just continued to help me. “no seriously stop!” He looked taken back but just continued ignoring me.

“I bumped into you and caused you to drop your books. The least I could do is help.” I didn’t know how to feel at this exact moment, but I knew I was angry at him and everything that this stupid school has thrown my way.

“Just get it over with and pick up my books and help me up and pretend to be nice just to throw my books back on the floor and call me a nerd or a dork or whatever. I can’t believe you just knocked into me to do all of this.” He didn’t say anything but looked kind of like, I don’t know how to put it but it seemed hurt but there was also this glint in his eyes that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say after that let alone what to think but he made the decision to just put the rest of my book that he grabbed in a nice stack and walked away or so I thought. He turned back and paced towards me and I started taking steps back until I inevitably touched my back against the lockers. I was scared because he was walking at me with such a dominating gaze in his eyes and I couldn’t do anything. I was frozen.

He didn’t slam his hands into the locker like he normally does; he just stood close and looked me straight into my eyes. “Why do you think I’m like them?” I didn’t know what to say and my mind kept wondering how no one was in this hallway and that he is so close I can smell his minty breath. My thoughts were scrambled to say the least and it’s safe to say he won this battle considering I didn’t even put up a fight. “Connor, why do you think I’m like them?” As I stared at him I realized or maybe realized i don’t f*****g know but I saw vulnerability in his eyes. That was probably just me jumping the gun because the Zack I know was stone cold. He had a mean glare and a voice that could shake anyone. But that’s all I knew about him, could there be more to this person in front of me then I give credit for? “Forget it.”

I didn’t say anything to him as he turned and walked away because what was I supposed to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ That could have worked but why would I apologize and for what. His friends have made me feel like trash and I’m supposed to just roll over because I think I saw something. But maybe I did see it. God this is a headache not to mention, I think I just sunk deeper into the inferno of Zacks s**t list.

—

Classes went by slowly and my day was finally over but not really for college and money purposes. I tutor people at school, mostly athletes and for an hour it’s just me being harassed because they can’t seem to pick up material as fast as I teach. I guess when you feel dumb it’s normal to lash out but some of them end up calling me stupid and just storm out. I look forward to those days because I can go home early.

As I walk to the library I see some girl in a varsity jacket probably her boyfriends but my mind shifts to Zack. If I’m being honest my mind has been drifting to think about him all day. Somehow the villain has made me feel bad about screaming at him. What kind of s**t is this? I usually never blow up in the first place but the one time I do, rightfully so might I add, I feel like s**t. I’ve even thought about apologizing but he is never alone unless he is bothering me so I won’t even have the time because the people he is surrounded by tend to intimidate me. Now that I think about it he is never alone, always surrounded by people but it bothers me how sometimes my eyes will wander towards him when he’s in that group of the most sought after people in this school but I find his eyes looking more distant for some reason. It tends to piss me off because I hate to admit it, I'm envious of him. He has a rich family, people that love him and want to be around him at all times, amazing talent and a physique that looks like it could stop a bus. Why the hell is someone with all of that looking so damn miserable. Ungrateful if you ask me.

I opened the door to the library and the usual smell of dust and pine wood hit my nose. I feel a bit more at ease from the comfort this one room provides me. Zack Miller being nothing but an afterthought. I wave to Amanda, the student helper that I trained this summer. She's a nice freshman who took over for me since I couldn’t do it this year.

“Hi Connor.” She says a little too loudly for the library, people turn their heads to look at her curiously. She sheep’s away from the attention and I just snicker at her clumsy behavior.

“Can I have my student list for today Amanda?” She smiles, but still is red from embarrassment at her little outburst. This has me smile at her and she looks away going to the computer. She looks so tiny behind this desk and even smaller behind her big glasses that cover most of her face. She was fun to be around this summer. She is mature for her age but she still does things that remind me that she is still fourteen. Like yell to me across the library.

I look around while she tries to find my information just taking in the familiar sight. Our school library is very big. The shelves reach just above six feet and it’s deep; you can’t even see all of it from up here. It even has two levels. Down here is where you can find all your books about practically anything that’s deemed school appropriate. There are also a couple of computers. Upstairs are fifteen rooms where students study. Ten of those rooms are for your average student. The only way to get one of those ten rooms. Is for a teacher to reserve it for you. The other five are student tutoring rooms, where me and four other students went to this summer academic training. The course basically taught us how to tutor people our age. After we get approved we get keys to an assigned room. The school gives me about three students to tutor a day. It's a pretty convenient job that pays quite well.

I look over to Amanda who is still struggling finding my files. “Sorry Connor the files on the people for today aren’t showing up, the district did a whole server reboot yesterday and they said there would be some issues for the next few days'' I nod patting her head to calm her down a bit. She seemed so worried. Her cheeks get a tint of rose across them and I wave to her heading toward my room 1C. I open the door to the quite spacious room. There is a long desk and three seats around it just in case a parent or a teacher wants to sit in on a tutor session. Which I hope never happens. My room is messy and I don’t care if my classmates see it but, teachers and parents would judge a little too hard.

I look around and really see that I tend to just let go in here. There’s paper everywhere, mostly just lesson plans for the students I teach and also research for my chemical hypothesis. There’s a little desk in the corner that adds even more to my cluttered spaces with the nature valley wrappers that are scattered on top and the fact that I have a water vending machine doesn't help. I use it everyday and the water bottles are overflowing from the trash can i have in here. I just haven’t found the time to take those to recycling.

I go to the desk in here and turn on the computer, sending an email to a couple of teachers letting them know when some students will be ready for their make-up test and reading some to me about prospects for tutoring. I peek over at my digital clock that I brought from home because god knows I can’t read an analog one and see it’s a little late. It must be an athlete today, they tend to set up tutoring sessions after their practice. God I hope it’s not an asshole, better yet I hope it’s not a dumb one.

I might as well do some homework while I wait so I don’t fall behind. I tend to get consumed in tutoring since so much of my future rides on it. Some time passes and I get to almost the end of my work when I hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” There is a long pause of me just staring at the door that isn’t opening but the handle is twisted so I know they are still there. Are the jocks getting that f*****g dumb.

“Just twist and push.” The handle is let go of and I sigh to myself getting up. The fact that I have to deal with whoever is on the other side for an hour is really pissing me off.

“It’s not that hard to open a f*****g door.” I quietly mumble to myself. I reach for the door knob and before I know it I get a face full of mahogany. I wince in pain and stumble a bit to the floor. Damn that hurt.

“Oh my god Connor are you okay?” I freeze at his voice and almost every ounce of pain I feel leaves and is replaced by shock. There is a bsolutely no f*****g way it’s him. I see a figure in my line of sight and I look over to confirm my thoughts. As I look I see no one other than Zack Miller looking at me with his icy blue eyes that usually look so cold but, right now I see nothing but delicacy and so much concern for me in them. I almost look away but I can’t mainly because his large palm is on the nap of my neck holding me still so he can look at my head. Were his eyes always this inviting.

“Your eyes are pretty.” I thought to myself but by the confused expression on his face I can tell I said that out loud. Whoever is running this experiment of my life to test my sanity, I hope they go to hell.