Heads And Tails

The Worst Day

Zack

As soon as my horrific day ended I went straight to Tavans, because his bed is more comfortable for mental breakdowns, God this was the worst day of my life. This is the most I’ve ever interacted with Connor and I just can’t believe it all went downhill so fast. Safe to say my lovely friend was finding amusement in my downfall though, his cocky ass smile never left his face as I gave him the details.

“You're telling me you hit him with a door?” He finally paused his game to look at me after I got to this part of the story about what happened with Connor. Tavan was giving me this amused mixed with shock look. I know he wanted to laugh but he knew I would beat him up if he did, so he kept it in. “Bro I think maybe you should just let this crush thing go.” His words were laced with chuckles and I threw a pillow from his bed at him.

I turn away and groan into his bed. “I came here so you could make me feel better and tell me it wasn’t that bad please follow suit.” I hear him get up and the edge of the bed dips.

“It wasn’t that bad Zack.” I turn and raise my eyebrow questionably. “If anything you left a lasting impression this time.” I see a grin take over his face and I can’t help but smile at my best friend.

“Really?” He gives me a diligent nod. Moving to sit up I look at him. “What should I do, he might not even be my tutor. I also think he hates me.” This gets Tavan's attention.

“I mean I get that he might not like you at the moment but, he does seem like he’s holding a grudge, maybe his ex broke up with him because she had a humongous crush on you.” I let out a laugh. That is not possible. I'm pretty sure he hasn’t dated anyone, not that he can’t get anyone he just doesn’t seem like the type. Like he’s above it all.

“I’m pretty sure his dislike for me stems from the guys on the team messing with him.”

“That’s not on you Zack and in all honesty the s**t he said to you today makes me want to beat him up too.” I raise an eyebrow at him telling him not to do anything. Just because my feelings are hurt a little doesn’t mean I want Tavan to go around harassing everyone that has an issue with me but, then again that line wouldn’t be long. Everyone likes me. Maybe that’s why I'm finding this more intriguing. Being liked has its perks but it's also annoying that people who don’t even know me feel as though they do and like to insert themselves in my life. I know if those people found out I was gay they wouldn’t bat an eye to make me feel weird about it

“I told him off today too, another reason why I’m worried that he won’t like me.”

“You told him off for good reason, we aren't all the same and for him to jump to that conclusion is a load of s**t, but didn’t he apologize to you about it?” I sigh remembering

“What if he did that because he felt forced to, like I was going to get the whole team to beat him up or something.” Tavan groaned. I knew what that meant, I’m overthinking this. “Okay, Okay I’ll let it play out, I’m just spiraling but I do feel better so thank you.”

“You better feel better, talking about one guy for three hours straight that’s not Ryan Reynolds I get bored.” I shrugged. Fair enough. Tavan was patient and truly is great friend but he has a threshold for how long I could obsess over Connor.

“What about you, any new girls to add to your long ass list?” He smiled, but shook his head no. He proceeded to tell me some half ass story about all these girls but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it, which is weird for Tavan the only thing he likes more than me is s*x. Very valid if I do say so myself and I’m high up on the list of things he likes so this gaze in his eyes being different threw me off a bit.

“Hey are you okay?” He stops talking to look at me with curious eyes. Seeing if I really knew there was a problem or was just speculating. I knew.

“Can I Veto this?” I let out a laugh, it’s been awhile since one of us has said that. I nod and he hands me a twenty out of his wallet. He goes back to playing his game and me doing my homework. Glad I called him out on his crap now I have money for tomorrow. I am kind of curious now though but to keep pushing is against veto rules that me and Tavan came up with when we were ten. We both never really like talking about our feelings. We have similar situations and problems so we don’t always like to talk. Back then let’s just say we were demented and like to gain on each other’s misfortune. That’s kind of a weird way of putting it but If we don’t want to talk about something to each other then we simply say veto. There is a veto penalty of twenty bucks but if me and him are really curious we have to give the other forty bucks in return plus the twenty that was given to you. That’s how he found out I was gay actually. We follow the rules strictly because we don’t lie to each other. This is basically how our friendship works. We never force each other to talk unless we feel like we have to and take it step by step. This just works for us.

An hour goes by and my curiosity subsides and I finish my homework. I look at my phone and I have to be home for dinner. Instant dread coming over me just at the thought. “I gotta go but see you tomorrow.” He nodded my way, completely immersed in his game. I smile at the back of his head. Then head out. I say goodbye to his parents as well. The drive home was short. Tavan only lives ten minutes away from me which is a blessing and a curse on days like this. Days where I truly wish I didn’t have to go home.

“I’m home.” Quiet fills the air like always and even though I grew accustomed to this it still sucks. I walk over to the laundry room and take everything out of my practice bag starting the small load. I head to the kitchen to see my mother standing over some lasagne dish.

“Hey mom.” She turns to me with a smile and moves to kiss my cheek.

“Hi sweetie, how was your day?” I shrug not really knowing what to say to her. Me and my mother have a good relationship but it’s built off of small talk and commiseration that we don’t address.

“Same old same old.” She smiled knowingly and told me to go wash my hands for dinner and to get my father. I sigh but comply. I head towards my dad's office and build up the nerves to finally knock.

“Come in.” I walk in standing straighter than usual and feel a bit more on guard. “Son.” He doesn't look up to me or smile, not that I was expecting him to. This has been my norm for a long time now.

“Dinner is ready.” I walk out to leave, closing the door gently behind me. We all eventually gather at the dinner table. The sound of silverware hitting the porcelain slowly drives me crazy but I’m in no position to say anything.

“Is the food good?” I look over to my mom and I smile.

“Yes, like always.” My father grunts a little, this is something he does when he is upset. I know it well since it’s almost always directed at me.

“It’s not as balanced of a meal honey, the cheese will make Zack feel sluggish and slow down his immune system.” We both stare at him but I look away first continuing to eat. Why does he have to make everything about me?

“Sorry Zack I thought you could use something other than a protein shake.” Mom is being sarcastic and I find it funny but it’s obvious my father does not.

“He didn’t need all the grease. Do you want him to lose a game.” Here we go.

“You know that’s not what I meant. It’s one meal. I highly doubt he will lose because I made him lasagna.” He looks at me and I look away not wanting to get involved with this petty argument. This is not my battle. I personally don’t give a damn what I eat so why are they arguing over it.

“Anyways Zack you're going to have to go all out in the gym tonight, your leg work was not where it should be at your level.” I don't have the energy to argue with him. It’s not like it would matter anyways, win or lose a game he will still be hard on me. “Also how was your tutoring?” I pause for a moment. If I tell him that I didn’t do it he would say something to the school about Connor and my dad being the prick he is would not hesitate to get Connor removed from the tutoring program.

“It was fine, he’s very smart and we went over the material several times a couple more sessions and I’ll be ready to take the test.” He nods but seems dissatisfied.

“I don’t know why you failed anyways, you must be getting distracted by something.” His voice has raised significantly. It was like the night I brought home the test all over again.

“It’s a college course.”

“That’s just an excuse I raised you to be above the curve, you should not be failing.” His words were final and I felt small again. I know if this class wasn’t to get me ahead in college so I could have less classes and more time for football he wouldn’t care. He never cares, so this wasn’t about me failing, it wasn't even any interest in me. I'm just a product to him that was designed for football and if I lack in any area revolving around that then he cares. The only difference between me and other products is that he can’t return me so he is making the most out of what I can offer.

“I understand.” Dinner wraps up silently and quickly. Right after I hit the gym with my dad. It’s leg day and he pushes me harder than usual today but I’m used to it by now, my workouts depend on what mood he is in when we get here. My legs hurt by the end of it all to the point I can feel every joint, even walking to the parking lot hurts a little.

My dad gets in the car and I try to open the door but it's locked. I look at him through the window and he rolls it down. “Your coach told me you seemed distracted today during practice so you're running home.” I’m shocked by his words but then I realize this is the same man who made me run the entire length of the football field 30 times with no breaks. I look at him and I try to contain my anger. Showing emotion gets you nowhere Zack. “Clear your head and run if you're not home in thirty you're doing it again.” I watch as he drives away and I want to scream so f*****g bad. I want to punch him but I can’t. I can’t because I'm weak and scared and there is no point in even thinking about it so I’ll run well and and I’ll run fast because I’ll never let that sick man win. So I move my feet and look at my watch. I wasted two minutes. I have to pick up the pace. My legs are on fire as I finish the first mile. I feel my chest wheezing tight. Four more to go Zack you can do this. I looked down at my watch. I ran that in 8 minutes. It’s like he wants me to fail. My fastest mile was 6.46 and that’s on a normal day when my legs don’t feel like they aren’t going to fall off. I could call Tavan but he wouldn’t get here in time to at least pretend like I ran it. Damn it my dad wants me to fail. He wants me to run all night, this is punishment for failing a damn test in a class that I’m not even supposed to be in. I keep running in a full sprint. Damn I’m getting tired I could pass out. I wish a car would just hit me. At least then I wouldn’t have to play football anymore. Then I could really end up like my dad getting an injury right before I make it big. How would that make him feel? God the look on his face would be extraordinary. I let out a laugh to myself as I kept moving two more miles. It's been 19 minutes. There is no way in hell I’m making it there. So what am I running for? I stop and laugh and proceed to throw up my mom's lasagna on the side of the road from exhaustion. If only I was faster. If only I was better, why am I not good enough.

“Hey, you okay?” Someone ask I look over my ears rigging a little and I almost want to f*****g just kill myself because it’s him. The one person I’ve been thinking about all day. Connor. The last person I want to see me like this. As much as I want to apologize for earlier and just f*****g fawn over him I can’t not right now. I’m a little confused but I know that I need to concentrate. Don’t let your father win Zack “Oh it’s just you.” I grab his wrist in a haze, his brown eyes lock with mine, they are being illuminated by the street lights and they look so vast and I want to indulge in them but I can’t. Not right now Zack.

“You have a car right?“ I skipped over his previous question. He looks so confused it’s almost cute. “I need a ride.”