All Along

Caving

I hear him moan and groan as he comes undone on top of me and I relax my grip on his back. When he touches me, it's the most affection I can muster to keep him from doubting me. I turn my head to face the wall as he puts his briefs back on and places a kiss on my shoulder. I have done this every day for two years; pretend to fall asleep right after s*x and blame it on serotonin because I don’t want to be part of this pillow talk but that does not stop him.

“Sal.” He always calls out my name.

And begins to tell me about his day. I know he wants to talk, but I'm at a loss for words right now so I let out rumbles whenever he pauses then I go quiet.

I have not been in love with him for a while and I can’t remember the exact moment it happened. I can't believe he doesn't notice it; perhaps he's just a good actor for as long as he gets what he wants from me, s*x and company. It was not always like this; he was my favourite person until I started to fall out or at least until it all started to get messy in my head.

A little after 30 minutes I hear a soft snore escape from his mouth, my cue to leave. I throw my robe on and quietly step out of the bedroom and dash out to the backyard. I retrieve a box of cigarettes and a lighter from my hiding spot. This is my daily routine, they say ‘always smoke after s*x’ or is it pee? I don’t care, I do both. I need the smoke to help clear my mind and make my head feel lighter. I don’t know if he’s noticed, I know he smells the cigarette off my lips when he kisses me good morning just like I taste the strawberry chapstick on his lips when he gets back from work and makes love to me. He probably wonders when I smoke and the thing is that I don’t even try to mask the scent anymore, I feel like it’s our thing. He doesn’t question this one thing, he’s good at pretending when he’s not on top of me. When were making love he’s at his most vulnerable place, such a man, so basic.

I light my cigarette and take a long deep pull while my eyes are closed and think of the s*x and our relationship, done. I blow out the smoke into a ring above my head and pretend it’s a halo, I’m an angel in this moment, almost invincible. Ten minutes later I’m only left with a cigarette butt, I put it out throw it into the dustbin on my way back into the house. It’s 11 pm, so I sit in the dark on the couch with a beer in one hand and put on Rihanna and Mikky Ekkos Stay as I wait for insomnia to sweep me into its arms, the strongest arms that have ever held me, my favorite arms to be in which are also the worst drug because I’m up all night fighting my chaotic thoughts. I work from home and whenever I feel like so I’m not really bothered about staying up late, I get my sleep during the day but the bags under my eyes don’t seem to disappear no matter how many socked teabags or cucumbers I put over them. I’m petty sure I look like my problems at this point.

? It's not much of a life you're living

It's not just something you take, it's given ?

I’ve not always been like this, not showing emotions or being detached. I once loved, loved with everything in me. I was never afraid to feel, to fall, no matter how high I was falling until one day my thoughts swept me further away from my heart. I could blame it on him but it’s me, it’s always been me, it’s always been my fault. My ex lover, he was perfect, we were perfect and beautiful together but I went out and messed it up for both of us. But now I’m here pretending to be happy and content because I can’t take go back to what I should have kept when I still had it. Oh that sweet tender love, I never once woke up and doubted my lovers love for me but now, I do every night.

? Well, funny you're the broken one

But I'm the only one who needed saving

'Cause when you never see the light

It's hard to know which one of us is caving ?

I hear his footsteps coming down the hall so I pretend to be asleep. I know he’s looking for me, he does it on nights he wakes up and realizes I’m not on the bed. He doesn’t wake me up, I fed him some bullshit story about not wanting to be disturbed or I’ll feel tired and restless all day so he covers me with the quilt on the couch. I feel him leave, and for the hundredth time the song plays and I feel more connected to it in this moment, I want him to stay. I might just need him to stay and that scares me because he doesn’t see me, I need saving.