The drought in my heart

Chapter three , the struggle continues

It was a Tuesday morning, and it was time for Lily to attend classes,classes she had been skipping lately because of her mental breakdowns.She stood in front of her wardrobe, staring without really seeing. Her hands moved slowly through the clothes, searching for something she didn’t even know she wanted.

But the moment she began sorting through them, memories began to rise uninvited.

A dress caught her eye and it was the first dress Jayden had ever bought for her.

Her fingers froze on the fabric.And just like that, she was no longer in her room.

She was back on their first date.

She remembered how her heart had felt too big for her chest that day how every smile from him made her look away shyly, how her cheeks burned whenever he called her name. Jayden had been her first everything. Her first love. Her first kiss. Her first man. Her first experience of what it meant to feel seen.

To Lily, Jayden had not just been a boyfriend he had been a future she had already started building in her mind.

A life she had quietly stepped into and never wanted to leave.

Her fingers shifted again, and another piece of clothing pulled her deeper into memory.

The red gown.That night returned to her in fragments the soft glow of evening, the time around 7 p.m., the way he stood outside waiting for her by his car. She remembered how her mother had smiled at him, relieved to see her daughter laughing again after so long.It had only been a few hours together, but it felt like something sacred.

Her hair had been in a simple ponytail that night, yet he had looked at her like she was something rare,something fragile and beautiful, like a fallen angel that had accidentally wandered into his world.

They had sat at the restaurant for hours, talking about nothing and everything. And for once, Lily the quiet girl who rarely opened up could not stop talking. Jayden had that effect on her. He didn’t just listen to her words; he awakened parts of her she didn’t even know existed.

Around him, she became softer, louder, more alive. Like someone had turned the lights back on in a house she thought would always remain dark.And now…

Now that he was gone.And it felt like someone had erased everything she had become with him.Like her world had been wiped clean, leaving her standing on blank ground she didn’t know how to walk on.

Lily blinked rapidly and forced herself back into the present.She exhaled shakily, gently placing the dress back inside the wardrobe as though it might break her if she held on too long.Then she grabbed a simple pair of jeans and a plain top.

No effort. No colour. No softness.

Just something to get her through the day.

She dressed quickly, skipped makeup, and left the room before her thoughts could drag her back into the past again.

Her life might have been falling apart quietly inside her…

But she refused to let her grades fall with it.

While she sat in Psychology class, the lecture drifted in and out of her awareness like a distant radio she couldn’t fully tune into. The lecturer was speaking about personality disorders according to the DSM, his voice steady, structured, almost detached as he listed criteria and symptoms.

But Lilly wasn’t really listening.Her pen rested lightly on her notebook, yet her mind was somewhere else entirely—somewhere softer, somewhere painful.

“Dependent Personality Disorder…

The term caught her attention briefly. She blinked slowly, as if trying to pull herself into focus.Was that what she had?

Or was she just… heartbroken?

Her thoughts spiraled quietly, dangerously rational in a way that made them feel even more confusing. She replayed fragments of her relationship with Jayden the good parts that still refused to fade.

Jayden had been gentle in the beginning. Thoughtful. Attentive. He made her feel seen in a way she had never experienced before. He bought her gifts without being asked, introduced her proudly to his friends, and even took her home to meet his family. People had admired them. They had called them “perfect,” “goals,” “a beautiful story.”

And it had felt like that too.

Until it didn’t.

Until something in him began to

shift slowly, almost unnoticeably like a light dimming rather than switching off. And by the time she noticed, she was already standing in the dark, still reaching for the version of him that used to exist.Who wouldn’t get attached to that kind of love? she asked herself quietly.Her grip tightened around her pen without her realizing it. Her gaze dropped to the page.And then it happened without thought,without permission.She began to write his name.

Jayden.At first, it was just letters. Then repetition. Then hearts small, delicate shapes forming around his name like her emotions were spilling out through ink instead of words. She didn’t even notice how still she had become, how far away she had drifted from the classroom around her.

Until a sudden tap on her shoulder broke the illusion.“Lilly,” Kendra whispered urgently.

Lilly jolted, blinking as if she had been pulled out of deep water. The room snapped into focus all at once chairs, faces, silence.

Too many eyes were on her.The entire class was looking.So was the lecturer.

Her stomach tightened instantly. Heat rushed to her face as confusion replaced whatever comfort her thoughts had given her moments before. She looked at Kendra, silently asking for help,her expression fragile, almost lost.Kendra didn’t speak. She only tilted her head slightly toward the front of the class, her eyes wide with warning.

Lilly followed the gesture slowly.

The lecturer was still standing at the front, watching her with a calm but expectant expression, as though this interruption had been noted and patiently held.A pause stretched between them.Then he spoke again, gently but firmly:“Can you describe the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?”For a moment, Lilly froze.

Her mind scrambled pages of lectures, notes, fragments of definitions she had once studied properly. It felt like her brain was flipping through itself too quickly, searching for something it knew but couldn’t immediately grasp.Then, finally, she spoke. Carefully. Rehearsed. Almost automatic.

She gave the answer,structured, correct enough, the kind of response a student gives when trying to sound more certain than they feel.When she finished, the room settled again.But not inside her.Lilly slowly lowered her gaze to her notebook, where Jayden’s name was still faintly written among small, unconscious hearts.

Her fingers tightened slightly around the pen.And she exhaled a long, quiet breath that felt heavier than it should have.

Because for the first time, she wasn’t sure whether she was studying psychology…Or being studied by it.