That Autumn

Wang Shin Woo

Seoul, Fall 2008.

Me?

She just said the thing prettier than Cherry blossom is me? And then she grabbed her lunch box and ran away from me. We haven't even had lunch and she's gone.

I returned to class feeling confused while carrying Shin Ah's blazer that she forgot to bring earlier. My steps are so slow because I was thinking about Shin Ah's words just now. Does she really like me? She didn't say it outright. But didn't her words mean that she liked me? Is she as weird as me?

That was impossible. Shin Ah likes the soccer team captain, that sunbae. She probably just likes me as a friend. Yes, just as friends. She couldn't possibly like a girl like me in any other way.

It's just.. I feel a different gaze on me. It's not just my imagination, right? And.. why does she have to run if she thinks I'm a friend?

I have to ask her for an explanation. Must.

She wasn't in class when I got there. Da Mi and Na Ra are in class, but not Shin Ah. Where is she going? I immediately chased her as she ran. She shouldn't have gone too far, it's just that I walked too slowly because I was confused by the words he said earlier.

I was about to look elsewhere when I heard voices near the row of lockers in the hallway.

"Stupid!" The voice of a girl that feels familiar.

I looked around. There was no one around me but the voice sounded so close.

"Now she won't want to be friends with me anymore."

It's Shin Ah's voice I'm sure. But where is she?

"Stupid! Stupid!" Now her voice was louder with the sound of metal plates hitting something.

I glanced at the locker right beside me. It's from there. I approached it and tried to open the locker door where the voice came from. Not locked.

And I found Shin Ah there. She sat in the cramped locker box holding her head. When I opened the locker, she looked surprised.

"Anna-ya!" She was even more surprised when she saw it was me.

"You left this." I handed her blazer.

She took it without the slightest intention of getting out of the narrow place. "Thank you."

"Why did you run?" I asked directly. I took one step forward until I was standing right in front of the locker door to prevent her from running again. "We haven't had lunch yet."

"Eh?" She looked at me confused. Didn't she realize that she had confused me at first? "You still want to have lunch with me?"

"Of course."

"Really?"

"I'm hungry and I don't like eating alone."

"I mean... Aren't you disgusted with me? Afraid or something?"

I winced as I tried to remember. Did she do something disgusting earlier? "Why should I do that?"

"I..." She seemed hesitant to continue her words. Then she poked her head out of the locker, looked left and right, and came back in when she saw no one close enough to us. "I just said that I like you. Don't you want to stay away from me because of that?"

Not that I'm slow. It's just that I'm not so sure. I'm afraid I misunderstood the language. I don't want to be happy too soon. "Why would I want to stay away from you? I like you too. You could say you were my first friend here."

"But.. I like you not to be friends with you." She looked at me with her face turning red again.

"Then? As teacher and student? Because you help me study a lot?" This might be a little annoying for her, but I have to confirm it first.

"Not like that!" She raised her voice a little. Then she lowered her head and muttered lowly. "I want you to be my girlfriend."

She wants me to be her girlfriend? Even though she said it in a low voice, I'm sure I didn't hear it wrong. Yes, I'm not wrong. She's just as weird as me.

"Me too.." I smiled. Now is the time to be happy, right? "I want you to be my girlfriend."

She paused, blinking at me. At first it was me who wasn't sure, but now it's Shin Ah who looks unsure. "Do you.. want to be my girlfriend? But you just met me yesterday. Is it okay?"

"So you don't want to?"

"That's not what I mean!" She panicked until her head hit the ceiling of the locker.

"You are right, you are stupid!" I'm laughing. "I'm not proposing to be your wife. Isn't it when dating, people get to know each other better?"

"Do you know what dating is?" She jumped out of her locker and stood next to me.

"I don't know. I've never done it."

"Me too..." She laughed until her eyes disappeared. "So.. you want to try it with me?"

"Hmmm.." I pretended to think. Suddenly, I became so eager to tease her. "We will see later."

After saying that, I walked away from her. I also don't know where to go. Just hope she stops me.

And sure enough. She did come after me. "Wait Anna-ya! But earlier you said you wanted to be my girlfriend."

"Right." I kept walking. Now I direct my steps to class. First place that comes to my mind. "But I want to confirm one thing first."

"What's that?" She quickened her pace to match me.

"I know exactly how I feel for you." I stopped my steps. Think again about whether this is the right thing to do. I'm still very young. There are many things I don't know. Including herself. I don't know a person's heart. I don't know if she's serious, playful, or just curious. "But I don't know how you feel. Do you really like me or maybe you just want to try something new with me?"

"Maybe you think I'm just trying something new." She came forward and stood right in front of me. She took my hand and placed it on her chest. Her deep gaze didn't turn away from me. "Maybe you just feel a fast heartbeat. It's not that simple for me. I want to always be near you. I always wanted to see you. And I keep thinking about you all day long even though you're right in front of me. Like right now."

I withdrew my hand awkwardly when I noticed several students passing by looking at us. "Stop it! They are watching."

"Okay," She looked disappointed. "Are you embarrassed?"

Not ashamed. More of fear. Thinking about how people would judge me when they found out what kind of relationship I started with Shin Ah, it was so scary to me. I wasn't prepared if they were against me. I'm not ready if they ostracize me.

"I understand." Not getting an answer from me, Shin Ah tries to smile and looks visibly forced. "So.. How about we just eat lunch? Because I'm already very hungry."

"Aah.. yes.." I answered slowly because I felt guilty for having disappointed her.

"Let's just go to the cafeteria. Because people might get suspicious if we seclude ourselves on the roof." She led the way after signaling to follow her.

"I’m sorry.." I mumbled low, but I'm sure it was enough for her to hear.

I didn't mean to offend or upset her at all. And I realized this was not only difficult for me, but also for her. If only I didn't have to care about people's opinions. But, I can’t. I can never stand to hear insults from people towards me, or the people I care about. When I was little, other kids used to insult me just because I was of Asian descent. I often cry about it. Maybe I can survive when people think I don't exist. But I can't stand it when other people insult me.

And what if the teachers found out too? And what if it finally reaches dad's ears? Dad will be very disappointed in me.

***

I'm late. That middle-aged woman seems to be taking advantage of me on purpose. It's past midnight now. I hope Shin Woo isn't mad that I missed his birthday.

The boy wasn't there when I looked for him where he was last. Not long ago, I checked him and he fell asleep on this long bench. Where does it go? Is he bored and playing outside?

"Shin Woo-ah!" I went out to find him. "Wang Shin Woo!"

Not long after I walked, I found a boy sitting while eating warm Bungeoppang on one of the park benches. But he was with someone. Lee Shin Ah.

"Shin Woo-ah!" I called out to him while walking closer.

Seeing my arrival, Shin Ah stood up from her seat. "Anna-ya.."

"Mom!" Meanwhile, Shin Woo ran to greet me. "Noona, bought me a fish cake."

"Oh!" I rubbed Shin Woo's head while smiling awkwardly at Shin Ah. I never expected them to meet so soon. And.. By chance?

"I was deliberately waiting for you to finish your work." Shin Ah walked up to Shin Woo and me. As soon as she arrived, she also rubbed Shin Woo's head with a smile. "Then I met him. He was waiting for you. So I just went with him."

"Do you know?"

"Of course." She crouched in front of Shin Woo while looking at the boy in amazement. "Look what he looks like to me. When I met you, then him, I knew who he was."

I admit they do look alike. Very similar though. The more he grows up, the more he looks like Shin Ah.

Shin Ah stood up again. The look inside of me seemed to never change. Makes me wonder if her feelings for me are still the same?

"Do you have time to talk for a minute?" she asked me.

"Ehm.. I'm not sure." I grabbed Shin Woo's shoulder so he could come closer to me. Actually, I also want to be with her longer. It's been ten years. Seeing her again reminds me that I miss her too. But I have already made an appointment with Shin Woo. Moreover, this kid must be tired. "It's very late and Shin Woo has also been waiting for me for a long time."

"Ah.. I understand." She looked disappointed.

"It's okay, Mom." Shin Woo interrupts. He is considered wise for his age. He must have seen how much I wanted to spend more time with Shin Ah. "I'm not tired. You can talk to your friend."

"You didn't teach him the Korean language?" Shin Ah laughed as he pinched Shin Woo's cheek in exasperation. And let me guess. Before I came, they didn't use Korean at all when conversing.

"I teach him a little." Indeed, I teach Shin Woo the Korean language, and he is a smart kid, so he can learn quickly. It's just that he is not very comfortable using it.

"I'll play around." After saying that, Shin Woo ran to a swing and played on it.

"Does he know who I am?" Shin Ah asked again after Shin Woo left.

"What do you mean?"

"Mm.. I mean.." She looked doubtful when he said it. "Did you tell him who I am?"

"Why should I tell him who you are?" I asked again, because I did not understand the meaning of the question. But Shin Ah seems to think I'm cynical about her. It was clear from the look on her face. I know her very well.

"I’m sorry.. Anna-ya.." She apologized and emphasized that she thought I was cynical about her. "I realized it wasn't easy for you to forgive me. My mistake was too big. I made you go through difficult times alone when I should have been with you and continued to be by your side. You must hate me."

"I do not hate you." It's true that I don't hate her. But strangely, only sentences with a cynical tone that came out of my mouth. Maybe because of the cold weather. Or because I'm too tired from work just now.

Or.. There's a bit of annoyance towards her. Even though I left her, I wouldn't have done that if she had faith in me.

"I was very young at that time." She spoke again and at the same time tried to defend herself. "Having a child is not easy for me."

"I'm still young too, Shin Ah-ya!" I don't really hate her. Even so still. If at that time Shin Ah had kept me, our situation wouldn't be like this. We will not be standing face to face like now, like strangers. "But do I have a choice? I can only accept it. I can only live it."

Maybe I sound angry or upset. But not completely so. I don't even regret what happened. At least that tragic incident made me have Shin Woo. I love him more than anything.

"That's why I apologize." She spoke in a low voice filled with regret. "Even if it's late, what can I do to make up for it?"

"A lot of things have changed over the past ten years." I walked over to the bench where they were sitting and sat there. From this place I can watch Shin Woo freely. Shin Ah followed me then sat beside me. "Maybe I used to really need you, but not anymore."

She continued to stare at me without blinking. "I wasn't only sorry to you, but also Shin Woo. Our child. I miss the time he was born. I miss the time he grew up. I have missed a lot of things over the last ten years. Really, I want to make up for that lost time."

Our children. Ck, it's funny to remember what happened in the past and then hear Shin Ah say those two words with her own mouth. It felt like a big joke. Or the sky is deliberately toying with us.

"What do you really want?" I laughed sadly. Sad about this situation.

"I just want to make up for my mistake, Anna-ya."

"You don't have to feel guilty." I turned my face away from him. "You don't have to make up for anything."

"No. I feel guilty for you and Shin Woo. Especially you. I realized too late that I should never have let you go." She came closer to hold my hand. Then she pulled it back when she realized there was a ring around my ring finger. "Are you married?"

I covered my finger with my palm. "I think it's very late. Shin Woo must be tired."

"Ah..." She looked down. No more bringing up unanswered questions.

"Then I'll say goodbye first." I am standing.

"Wait!" Seeing me, she hastily stood up too. "Are you coming to the reunion tomorrow?"

Reunion? Ah.. I remember. Some time ago, I got the invitation. I didn't really care before. So.. I don’t know if I will come or not.

"I am not sure." Because tomorrow will be very busy. I have many things to take care of. I haven't even enrolled Shin Woo in school yet. But it looks like it will be interesting. I haven't seen my old school friends in a long time. How are they now? "If I have time, I will come."

"Then I'll be waiting for you." She stood there awkwardly.

Will she come?

Before leaving, I bowed slightly to her while she responded with a nod.

"Be careful on the way." She waved at me.

At first, I felt fine without Shin Ah. But after meeting and talking to her for a while, especially after hearing the confession that she was sorry for what happened, I suddenly became greedy. I want her again. Is that possible?

"Mom, where are we going?" Shin Woo asked me while playing with the paper airplane he made using waste paper.

"We need to find a cake shop nearby. What kind of cake do you want? I'll buy it for your birthday." I waved the hand that I was holding. At first he looked happy, now he looks lethargic. Of course, he is still playing, but not as cheerful as before. Was he disappointed that his birthday was missed a few hours ago?

"Why don't we find some place to sleep first? I'm sleepy, Mom!" Or maybe he was too sleepy. Right, it's very late. It's past midnight.

"But we haven't celebrated your birthday." I didn't celebrate his birthday and I had no place for him to rest. I keep doing things wrong with Shin Woo.

"I can't walk anymore. I don't think my birthday was that necessary."

"I'm sorry, Shin Woo-ah!" If I had prepared everything before coming to Seoul, this wouldn't have happened. I instead entrusted everything to someone who didn't even pick me up at the airport.

"Its okay." Shin Woo looked up at me with a smile. Makes him so similar to Shin Ah. "But you must buy me a bicycle on my next birthday."

"Okay! I promise." I returned the little boy's smile. Even though I often got him into trouble, he never had a problem with it. Because he understands.

"So... Can we sleep there?" Shin Woo points to a sauna ten feet from where we are.

"Sauna? Are you sure?"

"We can't?"

"Of course we can, but.. It's not like a hotel. You may feel uncomfortable," I explained. It was indeed a warmer place than hanging around out here. But still it's not a proper place.

"Let's go there then." Shin Woo pulled me to the sauna. "I'll be dying if you make me walk again tonight."

"Hold on!" I stopped to look for something in my bag. "I'll ask your dad first."