The Parallel Me

The top 300

Return to school was on Monday.

I stood at the school gate for a while.

Iron gate, two panels. Painted twice. First green, then white. The green layer was showing from underneath. Like rust.

The security guard's surname was Jiang. Over fifty. One eye slightly crossed. He sat in the guard booth, a small TV in front of him playing the morning news. He glanced at me.

"Chen Mo."

"Uncle Jiang."

"Go on in." He pressed the gate open and lowered his head to watch TV.

The hallway smelled of disinfectant. Every Monday morning it was like this. The cleaning lady was mopping the floor. She didn't wring the mop dry, leaving a layer of water. Soles squeaked stepping on it.

There were three bulletin boards. The first for notices. The second for grades. The third was glass, for disciplinary actions. There was a crack in the top right corner of the glass, taped with clear tape. The tape had yellowed. Curled at one corner. I reached out and pressed it down. It curled up again.

The grade board still had last month's rankings. I didn't need to look for it. The last piece of paper. The last name. 1,187. I'd been looking at this number for half a year. After a while, it didn't look like a number anymore. It looked like an apartment number. The bottom right corner of the paper had been poked into a hole with a ballpoint pen. A turtle was drawn next to the hole. Unfinished. Only the shell was drawn.

Reached the classroom. Morning reading had already started. I went in through the back door and sat in the last row. There was chalk dust in my desk. Someone had stuffed the blackboard eraser in my desk. A white mess. I pulled my backpack and got it all over my sleeve. I took the eraser out, put it on the floor, and blew into the desk. Dust flew up, floating in the morning light. Someone in the front row glanced back, then turned around again.

"Chen Mo."

Someone called me from behind. I turned. Wang Chao. He was chubby, round face. A mole on his neck, with a hair growing out of it. He never trimmed it.

"Why didn't you come last Friday?"

"Family stuff."

"Oh." He stopped asking. He pushed his desk back a bit. The desk legs scraped the floor with a sharp sound.

After the third period, someone from the Disciplinary Office came to get me. Surname Shen, taught politics. Just started, twenty-six or twenty-seven. White shirt, hem untucked, showing a section. It swayed as she walked.

"Student Chen Mo."

"Yeah."

"Director Sun is looking for you."

"What for?"

"I don't know." She said. "Hurry up."

The Disciplinary Office was on the third floor of the admin building. The hallway was wide. The floor tiles were white, polished so clean they reflected shadows. I stood at the door and saw my own upside-down face.

The door was open. Four people inside. Three sitting. The one standing was my homeroom teacher.

Director Sun was short, big belly. Belt cinched under his belly, pushing it into a ball. Hair combed neatly, used hair gel. You could smell it two meters away. Like oranges, and plastic. Sweat stains under the armpits of his white shirt. A thermos on the desk, a ring of tea stains on the lid. A box of tissues beside it, half pulled out. I stared at the lid. That tea stain ring needed toothpaste to scrub off.

The second person was Zhou Yan. Fair-skinned. Rimless glasses, lenses very bright. A small mole on the right side of his mouth, like a sesame seed. His uniform was ironed. You could even see the creases on the sleeves. When he sat, his legs were pressed together, hands on his knees. When I came in, he nodded. A very slight nod.

The third was a man. Around forty, a bit chubby. Dressed extremely well. Dark gray suit, no tie. Cufflinks were gold, very small. Hair combed back, high hairline. A gold watch on his wrist. The strap was loose, kept sliding down. He pushed it up from time to time. One leg crossed over the other, toe gently swaying.

The fourth was Teacher Li. She stood by the window, arms crossed, didn't sit. Dark gray knit cardigan, pilling at the cuffs. A button had fallen off, randomly sewn with black thread. Hair tied back. A third of it was white. A crack in her glasses, taped with clear tape.

"Sit." Director Sun said.

I sat down. The chair had a leather cover. A piece was broken in the middle, exposing the sponge. I picked at the sponge with my fingernail. Picked out a tiny bit. Yellow.

"Chen Mo, this matter of yours isn't small." He spoke slowly. Pressing down on the last word of every sentence.

"Physical altercation, hitting a classmate in the face."

"He insulted my mom first."

"Insulting your mom is his fault." He said. "But you can't use your hands. The school has rules."

"I know."

"Knowing it and still hitting."

"So I didn't run."

He looked at me for a while and sighed. When he sighed, his belly sank a little.

"According to school rules, major demerit, probation."

He paused. "That's how it was supposed to be."

"Supposed to be?"

"Student Zhou Yan's parent made a request."

A document was pushed in front of me. The paper was very white. Edges very neat. Red header.

"He requested your expulsion." Director Sun said.

I didn't speak. I looked down at the document. The title was a string of numbers. A line of small text below it: "Decision on the Expulsion of Student Chen Mo."

The word "Expulsion" was bolded.

"I held it down."

I looked up.

"Thank you, Director."

"Don't thank me yet." He said. "I held it down, but there are conditions."

"What conditions?"

"Next monthly exam, get into the top 300 in the grade."

I laughed. Not a happy laugh. The kind where you hear something absurd and the corner of your mouth moves on its own.

"How many people in the grade?"

"1,187."

"Where do I rank?"

Director Sun didn't speak.

"I rank 1,187." I said. "Dead last."

"I know."

"One month."

"Yes."

"Get into the top 300."

"Yes."

"Top 300, what page is that on?" I asked.

"What?"

"The ranking list. The page for rank 300, what page is it on?"

Director Sun glanced at me.

"Page ten." I said. "Thirty names per page."

He didn't reply. Zhou Yan's fingers moved slightly on his knee.

Outside the window, a class was having PE. The whistle blew loudly. Then a chaotic sound of running. Someone was counting off. One, two, three, four. Counted to four, stopped. Nothing after that.

"What if I don't make it?"

"If you don't make it, write your own expulsion request." Director Sun said. "I won't kick you out. You walk out yourself."

Teacher Li spoke up.

"Director Sun."

"Yes."

"Top 300, who set this number?"

"Zhou Yan's parent requested it."

"Is it the school's wish, or the parent's wish?"

Director Sun glanced at her. "...The parent's wish."

"Did the school agree?"

"The school has no reason to disagree." He said. "According to school rules, he should be expelled anyway."

Teacher Li didn't speak. She took off her glasses and wiped them with the corner of her clothes. Wiped them very slowly. Put them back on.

"Teacher Li."

Zhou Yan's dad spoke. His voice was flat, not loud. The room went quiet instantly.

"I heard this student, in his freshman year—"

"Director Sun." Teacher Li interrupted him.

Director Sun opened his mouth.

"Mr. Zhou," Teacher Li said, "We are talking about this incident."

"I am asking about his past."

"His past has nothing to do with this."

"Whether it has nothing to do with this," Zhou Yan's dad said, "is for the school to judge."

As he said this, he pushed his watch strap with his finger. A very light movement.

"Teacher Li, I understand your feelings. It's not easy managing a class."

"But—" He paused for half a second.

"A student, in half a year, dropped from 3rd in the grade to over 800th."

"No reason in his file."

"This isn't a sickness issue."

"This is another issue."

"Alright." Director Sun said. "Let's talk about the immediate matter."

Zhou Yan's dad glanced at Teacher Li. It was a very indifferent glance.

"Fine." He said. "Let's talk about the immediate matter."

"Chen Mo." Director Sun pushed a pen over. "Sign it."

It was the cheapest kind of ballpoint pen. "So-and-so Insurance" printed on the barrel. The clip on the cap was broken.

I picked up the pen.

"I have a question."

"Ask."

"What if I make it into the top 300?"

"Then this matter is over."

"Does Zhou Yan's dad have any objections?"

"He does." Director Sun said. "He told me to pass a message to you."

"What message?"

"He said, think carefully. How many times in your life can you make it into the top 300?"

I pulled the cap off. Signed it. Wrote my name very slowly. The last character of my name, the last dot, I paused, then pressed down.

I stood up.

"Director."

"Yes."

"Can I say one thing?"

"Go ahead."

"Top 300," I said, "I used to rank 3rd."

No one in the room spoke. Zhou Yan looked up. A layer of reflection on his glasses. Couldn't see his eyes. His dad didn't move.

"That was in the past." Director Sun said.

"I know." I said. "I just wanted to say it."

I walked out of the office. The door closed behind me with a snap.

There weren't many people in the hallway. Reached the stairwell, I stopped.

A duty roster was pasted on the back wall. From last semester. The paper had yellowed. My name was on it. Crossed out. Ballpoint pen, three lines. Pressed very hard. The paper was torn.

I stood there watching. Then reached out and rubbed the three lines. Couldn't erase them.

"Chen Mo."

I turned around. Teacher Li came out of the office, a cloth bag in her hand.

"Come with me."

At the end of the hallway, the storage room for odds and ends. Pushed the door, turned on the light. Old desks and chairs piled in the corner. A smell of dust. She closed the door.

"What did Director Sun want to say earlier?"

"Nothing."

"He knows I was hospitalized."

She put the cloth bag on an old desk.

"He doesn't know the details." She said. "He only knows you took a three-month leave in freshman year."

"What about Zhou Yan's dad?"

"He checked up on you."

"What did he find?"

"He found your grades dropped very fast." She said. "In one semester, from 3rd to over 800th."

"He couldn't find the reason."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's not in your file." She said. "I held it down."

I looked at her.

"Why did you hold it down?"

"Because that's not an illness."

I froze.

"What?"

"That time you were hospitalized, I went to see you."

"I know."

"You were sitting on the bed, looking out the window. The nurse called you, you didn't respond."

"I called you, you turned around."

"You said one thing to me."

"What?"

"You said, 'Teacher, it's too noisy in this room.'"

I didn't speak.

"That hospital room," she said, "only had you in it."

The storage room was very quiet. Someone ran in the hallway outside. Footsteps pattering past.

"Teacher Li."

"Yes."

"Do you believe what I said?"

She pushed a paper bag over.

"What's this?"

"This month's."

I opened it and glanced inside. A white pill bottle. The label was torn off.

"How much?"

"Free."

"Teacher Li—"

"I said it's free." She stuffed the paper bag into my backpack. "If your dad asks, say the school gave it to you."

"He never asks."

"...Then just take it yourself."

She turned off the light and pushed the door open. The hallway light poured in.

"Chen Mo."

"Yeah."

"Top 300, you can do it."

"How do you know?"

"You ranked 3rd in your freshman year."

"That was in the past."

"The past was also you."

I didn't speak.

"But I won't force you." She said. "If you can't hold on, tell me."

"Would it help if I told you?"

"No." She said. "But if you say it, I'll know you still want to hold on."

After school, I went to the bulletin board again. Everyone was gone. I looked down the ranking list from the top. Counted to the 300th name, pressed a mark on the paper with my fingernail.

Rank 300, 589 points.

I did the math. 589 minus 187. 402.

I did the math again. 402. 30 days. 13.5 points a day.

I stood there, suddenly feeling this was hilarious.

Let out a laugh.

No one on the sports field. The wind made the papers rustle loudly.

I put my hand back in my pocket.

Went home that night, I rummaged through boxes. The box was under the bed. Left by my mom. Inside were old clothes, old notebooks, a few photos.

Rummaged for a long time, pulled out a piece of paper.

Freshman year, first semester final report card.

Name: Chen Mo.

Grade Rank: 3rd.

I spread the paper on the desk. Looked at it for a long time. The desk lamp was yellow.

Then I picked up a pen and wrote three words in the blank space.

"Top 300."

The handwriting was ugly. I put the pen down.

"System."

"I'm here."

"Can you get me into the top 300?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I have 63 methods." It said. "But you need to complete one thing first."

"What?"

"You've already completed it."

"That drunkard?"

"Yes."

"The 1,000 yuan is the reward."

"That was from him." It said. "What I'm giving you is something else."

"What?"

"One exchange."

I put the pen down.

"What's the price?"

"Every time you exchange," it said, "I will delete a memory of yours."

The room was very quiet.

I thought of that hospital room. Thought of what Teacher Li said, that the room was too noisy.

Then I thought of the room I was sitting in now. Smaller than that one. Just one person.

"Whatever." I said.

"Confirm?"

"Confirm."