Dear Kayden

CHAPTER ONE

I always thought that funerals were supposed to be dark and gloomy with the weather cooperating with you to mourn. I thought the sky would have gone dark and that there would have been at least a little rain to match the way I was feeling, you know, the Hollywood standard weather for funerals.

Funny thing was, it had been raining every single day this week but today, today the sun decided to make an appearance. The weather was nice, the kind that invited you to go to the beach, not the kind of weather one would expect at a funeral, but then again life never gives you what you want does it? If it did, Kayden would be here with me, we would be running late for class as usual and I wouldn't have to watch as they lowered my best friend into the ground.

My mom was watching me closely. Ever since we heard about the accident, she has been monitoring me, expecting me to crumble. It annoyed me to no end but that was mostly because I was doing the same thing. I was going through something I have never been through before and my emotions seem to have taken a life of their own. I can't predict them anymore and while I was calm externally, inside I was a raging storm with no end in sight, I knew I was going to break but I did not want anyone around when I did.

The pastor's voice was droning on and on but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. My attention was focused, instead, on the casket as it disappeared into the ground. This was it, this was the last time I would ever see my friend. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. I'm thought about the letter I had written, it seems so childish and inconsequential now. I should've given him that letter, heck I should never have written it in the first place, I should've just spent time with my friend.

I felt a hand slip into mine and I looked down to see my mom's red nail polish. She gave my hand what I'm sure was meant to be a reassuring squeeze on her part, but it just made me angrier.

I wasn't going to lose it, regardless of what she thought, not yet and certainly not in front of these people.

I pull my hand away from hers and looked the other way so I wouldn't have to see the hurt on her face. My eyes scanned the crowd, I spotted some of Kayden's friends from college, they wouldn't meet my eyes for some reason, and then my eyes finally settled on Kayden's aunt May. She was dressed in the brightest shade of yellow there was, a color nobody but she can manage to pull off.

She has always been a little strange and it and it was obvious I wasn't the only one who thought that judging from the wide berth everyone gave her.

I on the other hand, felt drawn to her. Kayden loved her, she was the only one who knew him as much as I did, if not better. She knew he had wanted to become a highschool teacher instead of going to law school, she was aware of Kayden's resentment for his parent, she also knew of his allergy to strawberries, a fact Kayden was embarrassed about and one that his own mother, for some reason, was unaware of. She would always throw a fit whenever he refused to eat whatever dessert she made that contained strawberries.

May might be dressed in the most inappropriate dress for a funeral in the history of dresses, but it felt like she was the only other person that was grieving with me.

I took a step in her direction but felt a hand on my arm holding me back. This time I didn't have to look to know it was my mother.

"Honey it's time to go. " Her voice was soft, a sharp contrast to the firmness o her grip; she knew how hard this whole thing was for me, she also knew that I would probably throw a fit about having to leave.

I decided to surprise her by turning to face her and offered a small smile. "Okay"

I could tell my response had the desired effect by her face which quickly split into a grin so wide, it probably shouldn't be seen at an event like this. This was the first word I had said to her since that night that we received the phone call that changed everything.

I allowed her to steer me towards the car even though it was the hardest thing I had ever done. More than anything I wanted desperately to see his face one last time. I wanted to fling myself into the ground with that dratted casket.

A part of me still refused to believe that kayden was truly gone. I half expected to find him in my bedroom when I got home, waiting for me with that arrogant smirk on his face and that twinkle in his hazel eyes that always told me when he was up to no good.

I could just picture it; he would be lying on my bed with his shoes on, just to annoy me, he would laugh at my surprise and fear at seeing him alive, he would then tell me about how he and his aunt had planned this entire thing just to fool me. I would be relieved, then angry but he'll give me what he thinks is his adorable puppy eyes, and I will forgive him, we would laugh at how gullible I was then everything will go back to normal. The thought almost brought a smile to my lips. Almost.

The drive home was an uncomfortable one. The atmosphere of the car was tense, my mom wasn't sure of what exactly to say to me. She was treating me like a nut case. She couldn't understand my way of grieving, I wasn't crying all over the place like she expected and I knew that scared her. I wasn't talking about it and I wasn't accepting comfort from anyone. All I did was shut myself in my room all day and bury myself under my blankets.

I knew she made a habit of sneaking into my room to check on me this past week and I was also aware of the late night conversations she has with her friends about me.

She was worried I was suicidal and I didn't have the energy to tell her otherwise.

I saw her hand reach for the radio dial more than once but she doesn't press any buttons, she was probably scared of what my reaction would be.

In all honesty, I wanted her to turn on the radio, it would at least fill the void in the car and it also meant less chance of her talking.

"What would you like for dinner? "

The question felt unnaturally loud in the silent car and I fought the urge to flinch. I turned to look at her for a few seconds then returned to staring out the window.

"Anything" in all honesty, I wasn't planning on eating.

"How do you feel about takeout? "

I shrugged, I really didn't care what was for dinner.

"Okay" ahw sighed and I almost felt bad. My mom is a very caring person and I knew it was none of her fault that any of this happened so I decided to try and make conversation.

"I'm leaving for school tomorrow "

She whipped her head around so fast, it was a miracle she didn't break her neck.

"What? "

"I said I'm leave... "I started to repeat myself but she cut me off mid sentence.

"I heard you. " she pursed her lips and stared straight head for a full minute then she sighed and turned to me.

"when did you decide this? "

I could tell she wasn't in support if my decision at all.

"Just now. "

"And so you think it's a good idea? "

"I'm not going to kill myself"

"Jesus Christ, Camilla" she glared at me as she drove into the driveway.

"It just makes no sense for me to be home. School didn't stop because Kayden died. "

"I'm worried about you” she parked the car and turned fully to me.

"I know. And I promise not to commit suicide no matter how tempting the thought may be."

"Stop saying that." She flinched. "I can't bear the thought of losing you so please.... stop saying that "

"Okay"

"If you need to see a therapist... "

"Mom I said 'okay'. " I got out of the car and went straight to my room. I needed to start packing.