Mr. Valentine's Heart

Brain Fog

~Cherise~

I place my hand on the window in front of me, shifting in my seat. I let out a long sigh and close my eyes. My mind is in a fog, as it has been for as long as I can remember. I can’t remember my life or who I am. I only know what I’ve been told and what I remember over the last five years.

Hands make contact with my bare shoulders, causing me to flinch. I fu.cking hate it when he touches me. “How are you feeling, my love? Is your headache still bad?” His voice makes my stomach churn, and his touch makes me want to shed my skin. Isn’t it funny to feel that way about your own husband? Shouldn’t I be craving him every minute of the day?

“My head still hurts, Alexi. I’m going to go lie down in a few.” The heat from his body gets closer to mine, and it takes everything inside of me to remain in control. He’s going to want to be close to me. He’s going to try all he can to achieve that goal.

“Maybe I can lie with you, hmm? Let me take care of you.” I turn my body, causing his hands to drop.

“I just want to rest, Alexi. I’m not feeling well at all.” A flash of anger joins the disappointment that’s always in his eyes. This is normal and expected. I have my own room and sleep in my own bed. All of these years, I have done everything I can to keep him away from me. I don’t understand how I can hate my own husband so much. This can’t be normal.

“My love, maybe we need to go see Dr. Reynolds again. It seems your medication isn’t working.” Ah, Dr. Reynolds. She’s someone I don’t trust. She gives me these pills that I pretend to take, though I'm not always given the opportunity to pretend. I have no proof, but I think these pills do more harm than good.

“I don’t need to see Dr. Reynolds. There’s nothing she can do to help me.” Without warning, his hand is gripping my upper arm tightly. This was expected and happens every time I refuse to be seen by that quack.

“Why do you act this way?! Why do you try to sabotage our relationship?!” I slowly turn to face him, taking all of his features in. He’s what many would describe as a Greek God. He has a tan skin tone, jet-black hair, long eyelashes, and dark brown eyes. Damn near every woman who sees him wants him. I get looks of death when they see us together. Little do they know that I don’t want him at all. I’m here because, well, I woke up here. I don’t want to be here. My heart tells me this isn’t the place for me.

When I woke up, I was in a hospital with this man telling me that I was his wife and I had been in a coma for five years. I had no other choice but to believe him. He had pictures of us together, including wedding pictures. Though, no matter how many pictures I looked at, I couldn’t recall anything, even my name.

Not only were my memories missing, but my body was wrecked. I had to relearn how to walk and move. He said that I had a horrific car accident and I had to start from scratch. He told me that I had almost died and he was so grateful that I was still in his life. Grateful, I guess. All I know is that none of this feels right. I’m spending all of my time trying to figure out how to keep away from this man who claims to be my husband and is completely in love with me.

“How am I sabotaging our relationship? Is it my fault that I had such a severe accident that I’m not yet recovered from?” He drops my arm and stands, pacing the room.

“It’s been ten years! We’ve been together for ten years, and yet it seems like I have to beg to be close to you!” I sigh and roll my eyes internally. He acts as if I wanted these last few years to go this way. I never asked for any of this, and if death was the alternative, I feel I was cheated.

“You seem to forget that half of that time I was under the care of a doctor. I’ve been in a coma and recovering from an accident that I don’t remember. You said you’d be patient with me. You said you’d be by my side, no matter how long it takes.” Alexi sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

Alexiares Moras, a very important man. We live in a commune of sorts, one I still don’t really understand. He’s like some kind of God around here. We live in a gated community, but it’s different from any I’ve ever seen. There’s a mansion on the property that houses a lot of people. Alexi says we could live there, too, but he likes us to have our privacy. “You’re right, I did say that, and I meant it. Please forgive me.” Alexi finds himself on his knees in front of me, kissing the back of my hand. I use my free hand to caress his cheek. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch, making me want to throw up. “I will leave you to rest and check on you later, okay?” I nod and allow him to kiss my lips once he stands. Our lips touching brings the bile up my throat every time, but I hold it in.

I watch him walk out of the door and turn back to the window. When the new year hits, my discomfort always grows. I don’t know what it is or why, but the feeling of not belonging becomes unbearable. I hate this time of year because it makes this place more challenging to deal with. I have a plan this year, though. I’m stronger and have more say around here. I plan to leave this year and follow my heart. I plan to find where I’m really meant to be. I don’t have a plan yet, but I will have one soon. I will leave this place and figure out who I really am.