Locked Hearts

Memories

The sun wafting through the window cast a golden glow in my room, annoyingly shining on my face and slowly stirring me awake. I opened my eyes, squinting to adjust to the light. I shoved my face into my pillow and groaned.

I did not want to wake up.

But I had to because Ruby told me (through text) last night that she was going to ditch school today to take me shopping; that was her way of getting me out of the house to keep my mind off what happened yesterday.

But the thought of having to face Amanda made me want to curl in on myself and never leave the comfort of my bed. I was not in the mood for a scolding, lecture, or whatever, especially so early in the morning.

Amanda must have been fuming yesterday when she heard about the fight—especially about the suspension. Which is why I locked myself in my room yesterday, so I wouldn’t have to face her. I didn't even go downstairs for dinner, even when my stomach was torturing me to feed it. Trust me, I know that I can't avoid her forever. I mean, we do live under the same roof, after all. So I might as well go downstairs and get it over with, right? Right.

I rubbed the sleep off my eyes and yawned. My phone vibrated and binged under my pillow. I shoved my hand under my pillow, searching for my phone.

I swiped to unlock it and saw a message from Ruby: Hey, wake up, sleepy head.

I smiled.

I replied: Well, I am now. Thanks to you.

She responded: Please don’t tell me you’re still in bed.

I laughed. You know me too well.

Her response was immediate: You better wake up, or I’ll come over, and I swear to God I’ll drag your lazy ass out of bed.

I typed out a response and hit send. How am I supposed to get ready when you’re texting me?

She responded: Hahaha, very funny. Now get up!

Another message followed: And don’t you dare go back to sleep.

I turned off my phone and then shoved it under my pillow. My eyes landed on my alarm clock. I still had a few minutes of sleep before it went off. I made myself comfortable and closed my eyes, instantly falling asleep.

The shrilling sound of the alarm roused me from my short slumber. I buried my face into my pillow and let out a muffled groan. I pressed the alarm's snooze button with the heel of my palm, turning it off, before pushing my covers aside with a grunt. I climbed out of bed, stretched, yawned, and dragged myself to the shower.

Ruby's plan to take me shopping was not a bad idea, really. I was in desperate need of new clothes, and, most importantly, I needed to get out of this house. I looked around my room and sighed. My room was a mess: the bed was undone, which wasn't surprising at all since I rarely made my bed; my clothes—dirty and clean—lay in a heap on the floor because I was just too lazy to do laundry, and my study area was a jumble of books and paper.

“A pigsty,” Amanda would say to describe my room.

I started digging in the pile of clothes for something to wear. I really needed to clean my room. I started sniffing at my clothes to check which ones were clean and wearable. After a while of sniffing and gagging, I put on black jeans and a graphic t-shirt. With a heavy sigh, I pocketed my phone and headed downstairs.

Amanda and Jordan, Amanda's fourteen-year-old son, were already seated at the kitchen table having breakfast. My stomach rumbled at the smell of bacon, toast, scrambled eggs, and coffee. But I had a feeling that I was about to lose my appetite. I hovered nervously in the doorway, a bit hesitant to step foot into the kitchen.

When I finally walked into the kitchen, Jordan, with lightning speed, took out his phone and stared at it with so much intensity that I was afraid the screen would crack. I drew a deep breath and cautiously went to sit down at the table. Amanda looked up, staring at me for a few seconds before looking down to continue reading the book in her hand, George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. Being the owner of a bookstore, Amanda was always reading a book.

Jordan tore his gaze from his phone to give me a pitying look. He then looked back down at his phone, probably playing a game. I fiddled with my hands nervously. What's with the silence? It was suffocating. Amanda just sat there, munching on her toast and reading the book. I eyed the mouth-watering food on the table, and my stomach let out a faint rumble, but I kept my hands to myself.

Amanda slammed the book shut and thumped it down on the table, making me flinch. She then crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair, lips pressed in a thin line. This is it. I braced myself for the nuclear bomb that was about to go off.

“Explain yourself.”

“Uh.” I couldn't even explain myself; the words stuck in my throat.

“I did not take you in so that I could get phone calls from your principal telling me you beat up an innocent girl!” Innocent? Mia was far from innocent.

“I'm sorry?” I wasn't sure if I wanted to be sorry for getting into a fight with Mia.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Sorry? That's all you have to say after what you did?” She stared at me in disbelief. “After getting suspended?”

I lowered my head, looking dejectedly down at my hands.

“I-I really am sorry that I got myself into trouble.” Again, is what I don’t add. “I shouldn't have gotten into a fight at school.”

“This is not the kind of person my sister raised you to be,” Amanda continued like her words didn't cut deeper than a thousand knives. “She wouldn't be happy with your behavior.”

My throat tightened, and my eyes prickled with tears. I sank my teeth into my lower lip in an attempt to hold back the tears, but they trickled down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, but it was no use. They kept falling down anyway.

“Why do you hate me so much?” I shouted, voice cracking. “Why would you bring her into this? That is not fair.”

“Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but nothing is fair. Never has been. Do you think it was fair when you killed her?”

The kitchen seemed to get smaller and smaller with each passing second. I suddenly felt hot, like the temperature had been turned up. My chest closed in on me. I couldn't breathe. Air. I needed to get out of here and get air— It was suffocating.

“I'm not gonna listen to this,” I said, storming out of the kitchen.

“Come back here, Zoe!” Amanda yelled from the kitchen.

I slammed the door so hard on my way out that the house might have crumbled down. I bent down, hands on my knees, and gasped for air. My eyes brimmed with tears, and a fresh stream fell down my face. Standing up, I quickly wiped them away with the heel of my palms and headed down the street to Ruby's. The clear sky and fresh morning air did nothing to help with the anger and guilt I felt. I knew that Amanda was right, that it was my fault that my mother died that night, and I was never going to forgive myself for that.

That day had been like any other normal day, and Ruby had been excited about a party she would attend.

“You know, Devin is hosting a party tonight.” Ruby beamed.

“No way,” Kayla shrieked in excitement.

Kayla was a friend of Ruby's from the cheerleading team. She would hang out with us sometimes. She wasn't stuck up like the rest of the cheer squad. She didn't act like she ruled the school, like a certain person. I liked her. She was nice.

“Zoe, are you coming?” asked Ruby.

“Huh?” was all I said because I wasn't paying attention to their conversation. I was too busy drooling over Ian, who sat a few tables away from ours. I watched as his dimple became prominent as he smiled and the way his shoulders shook every time he laughed.

“The party tonight at Devin's,” Kayla said.

I sighed. “Honestly, I don't even know why you ask when you already know what I'm gonna say.”

“Come on, Zoe. You know I can't go without you. Please, do it for me.” Ruby begged, giving me those golden-brown puppy eyes of hers.

“You definitely should come,” Kevin chimed in, setting his tray of food on the table and taking a sit next to me.

Kevin was a friend of ours—Ruby and I. We met Kevin during sophomore year after Ruby had invited him to our table because he was the new kid, and she was being nice. We all instantly clicked and have been friends ever since.

“Where did you come from?” I asked.

“Doesn't matter,” he said. “What matters is you going to that party tonight.”

“But—”

Ruby put her index finger on my lips, shushing me. “No buts, you have to live a little.”

“I am living. I'm breathing, aren't I?”

“That's not what I mean. Come on, it'll be fun,” Ruby coaxed.

“So?” Kayla said, looking at me expectantly.

“So what?” I asked, and they all groaned.

“The party, Zoe!” Ruby said loudly, throwing her hands in the air in frustration. “You're coming, right?”

“Fine.”

There was one problem, a major issue, with me agreeing to go to the party: my mother would never allow it, especially when it was happening on a school night. So how was I supposed to go to the party? I snuck out. However, as soon as we got to the party, my friends, as always, ditched me. I never knew what I was supposed to do at parties, so you can imagine how awkward I felt being all alone in a room filled with drunk, horny teenagers. I felt out of place like I didn't belong there. The only thing I could do was drink, and I got drunk pretty fast. The next thing I knew, a guy was all over me. That was when I came to my senses. I called Amanda to come pick me up because I couldn’t reach my mom. But instead of Amanda coming to pick me up, my mom did.

Then, that's when it happened. Everything happened so fast. She took her eyes off the road for a few seconds because of me. She was yelling at me. I shouldn't have snuck out. We wouldn't have crashed. I wouldn't have woken up a few days after the accident in the hospital to the news of my mother's death. It was my fault. My mother died because of me. I killed her.