Mercy (MxM) (COMPLETED)

Chapter Eight- Trauma

Chapter Eight-

Elliot

“You totally ratted me out!”

He’s a dom, Elliot. I couldn’t just lie to him.” Fizzle responds, pouting.

I take another sip of my rum and coke, and shrug. “He just f****d me really hard. What’s up with you and Master Andrew?”

Fiz actually blushes and looks down at his lap. “Well we sign a lot of one night contracts, so he knows my body very well. Our kinks suit each other too. I think he’s budging more though. He always gives good aftercare, but he just laid in bed next to me for a few hours yesterday. It felt like… well, it felt like we were dating or something.”

“Is that what you want? A boyfriend that’s into this stuff?” I ask.

Most people I meet in this lifestyle don’t plan to be in it forever. I mean most people eventually want to settle down and have kids, and it’s hard to do that while still being in the whole b**m scene. Sure there’s couples like Skylar and Dimitri who are boyfriends and fully plan to get married and have kids eventually, but they’ve both talked about how they’ll leave this lifestyle when that happens.

“Isn’t that what you want? To date Sawyer and Master Teagan?”

“Oh, god, no. Teagan and Sawyer love each other way more than they love me or I love them. I made it clear that I’ll enjoy the time I spend with them, but it’s with no strings attached. Even our contract says that the term is up to me, so if I decide to go to a different dom, I can. I do like them, but this was never meant as a long term thing for me. This is just a way for me to explore my s****l desires and fulfill my need to submit to someone who can give me strong guidance. I love them, but in more of a friendship way. I don’t want to date them.” I clarify.

Sawyer and Teagan are practically dating. It’s fun when we hang out around Sawyer’s family. They’re always so cuddly with each other, amd Teagan is great with the kids. I’m better with the older few. Julian and Will seem to like me and Noel is always trying to get in my pants. I’d be willing to let him f**k me if he weren’t Sawyer’s brother. The kid is extremely sexy, and I would’ve slept with him by now, but he just turned eighteen, so I never really had the chance.

“Really? You all seem so close.” Fiz tells me, reaching out to take my drink and sip it.

I roll my eyes at his actions and talk more. “Teagan tones down his favoritism here, but you can tell when they’re outside of the club. They’re super touchy feely. They’re always in their own little world just looking at each other or whispering conversations to each other. I think they’re cute.”

“It doesn’t bother you at all? I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with something like that. I can hardly handle Andrew sleeping with other subs and we’re not even in a contract or anything.”

“It just doesn’t bother me because I never wanted a real relationship. They’ve just become great friends that f**k me into subspace. That’s all I need from them, and I’m not going to ruin what we have by asking for or expecting more from them. They already give me everything I want from them.”

“Yeah I mean that makes sense-”

“Hey, Soda Pop. How are you?” Master Andrew asks, walking up behind Fizzle to wrap his hand around his neck.

Seeing it makes my heart skip a beat, and fear slip onto my face, but I force it down. Fizzle is a masochist. He’s comforted by things like that.

“I’m great, Sir. How are you?” He responds with a smile. I can see that Andrew’s hand isn’t squeezing too hard, but I’m still wary of it.

I can still remember the feeling. Getting beat by someone I loved so much wasn’t really bad enough to scar me mentally. The bruises healed, and he never hurt me bad enough to leave permanent damage, but the choking… that was the worst. His hands tightened around my neck and didn’t even budge when I started clawing at his arms. I was thrashing, trying to get him off, but he was way bigger than me. The look on his face scared me the most. He really wanted me to die. My vision started to go black, but another dom ended up walking in and getting him off of me.

I had giant, hand shaped bruises on my neck for weeks before they finally faded. I quit being a sub because I was too scared to try it again. It was hard for me to build up the courage to come here even though years had passed.

Teagan helped me ease back into it slowly. It was so hard to trust someone again, but Teagan is the one who always made me feel comfortable. When I started getting back into it, I didn’t want to be tied up or restrained. I didn’t want to feel defenseless. We only started using b*****e once we’d built trust between us. I progressed a lot and I’m starting to feel like myself again. He let other doms play with me sometimes, but he always supervises and I know it’s just so that when I decide to leave the foursome, I won’t be scared of all of the other doms here.

Little things like that trigger me though. In a place like this plenty of people have a choking kink. Sometimes I can deal with it, but other times I just can’t.

“Elliot? Are you alright?” Fizzle looks worried, but I just force a smile and nod.

“Yeah. I just have to go to the bathroom.” I mumble before standing and walking away from the two of them.

I hear Fizzle call after me a few times, but I ignore him and burst into the bathroom, feeling the tears start pouring down my face.

I walk over to the sink and wipe at my eyes, desperately trying to get myself to stop crying. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’m a guy. I could take getting hit when I did something wrong, but he… he tried to kill me. I always tried to convince myself that he cared and he’d never do anything to really hurt me but he did. I don’t want anyone to hurt me like that again.

“Elliot? Fizzle told me that you weren’t feeling well.” Teagan says, walking in. He sees my tears, and walks over quickly to wipe them gently. “Are you okay, baby? Do you want to talk about it?”

I bury my face in his chest, but when I try to speak, all that comes out are hiccups and sobs. He rubs my back and hums a soft tune in my ear to calm me. I cling to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He carries me to the playroom, stopping to ask Beau and Sawyer not to disturb us for a few hours. They both looked concerned, but it just makes me feel worse. Everyone is worrying about me because I can’t get over something that happened years ago.

He lays me on our bed and pulls me close to his chest, letting me cry a bit longer before I calm down. I pull away and look down at my lap while wiping my tears. I don’t want to look at him when I tell him everything.

“I uh… I was dating a guy a few years ago. He was a Dom, and I was in love with him. I moved into his apartment with him and we got really serious in such a short time, that I didn’t really know what to do. I started getting interested in b**m because my parents were never a big part of my life even when I was really young, and I just needed someone who would be consistent and who would take care of me.” I mumble.

Teagan knows most of this stuff already, but I feel like I need to say it again just so he can understand completely. He doesn’t say anything, but he does reach out to hold my hand comfortingly, coaxing me to keep speaking.

“We dove into everything so quickly that it was really hard to know when to be a boyfriend and when to be a sub. I kinda started being submissive with everything. He controlled my entire life. Everything I ate, wore, did. I still wanted things to be my way at least a little bit, and I clean when I’m stressed. I was really nervous since we’d just moved in together. I just wanted things to be organized, and I know I shouldn’t have, but I moved his things in his office. I just wanted to make it look better, but he got so mad at me. He was screaming and yelling, and he’d done that before, so I was used to it. He was more angry than I thought though because that was the first time he hit me.”

I sigh and feel myself go numb. My tears stop and I feel cold all of a sudden, but it’s better this way. This way I don’t have to feel ashamed or worthless or guilty.

“I just kept quiet about it. He was verbally and emotionally abusive before, but he’d never hit me before. He felt so bad after and promised he’d never do it again, so I forgave him. I loved him. It was fine for a little bit, but I noticed that his temper got shorter and shorter the longer we were together. I felt trapped though. I told my dad I wanted nothing to do with him and my mom left when I was young. His name was on the lease and he always threatened to kick me out. I grew used to it. The yelling and name calling and threats became normal. He hit me sometimes too. He was always more calm at the club. He was happier, so I let him do a lot to me so that he wouldn’t get mad.”

I remember how it was back then. I was always walking in eggshells around him because if I did anything wrong, he’d snap.

“I didn’t trust him anymore, but I still loved him, so I didn’t say anything about how uncomfortable I was with him tying me up. I have a degradation kink too, but when he’d say things like that to me it just made me feel terrible because it’s the same things he’d say at home. He asked me to pour him a glass of Scotch once. I did and I gave it to him, but he thought he said Bourbon. He was so mad that I couldn’t even do such a little thing right. I told him that he said Scotch, and it only pissed him off more. I swear he said scotch…”

I suck in a sharp breath, trying not to think about it too much. Just spit it out. “He threw his glass at me, and it shattered on the wall. A few pieces cut my face up a little bit. He was mad at me about that too and ended up smacking me pretty hard. I had a bruise and my lip busted too. He was stressed and wanted to take it out on me, so he took me to the club. A few of my friends were worried that I looked beat up, and I guess they told their doms. They must’ve talked to him about it or something, because he wasn’t happy or relieved like he normally was at the club.”

I pull my hand away and scoot back, pulling my knees up to my chest. I don’t like talking about it.

“He wanted to f**k me, and I wanted to make him happy so I agreed. It was fine at first. He was always a little rough with me because that’s what he liked, but he started talking about how I ruined everything in his life. How he couldn’t even enjoy himself at the club anymore because apparently I told everyone he hit me.” I wipe my tears as they start to flow again. “I told him to stop, but he didn’t listen and he started choking me. I used my safeword too, but he wouldn’t let go. He was a lot bigger than me, and I couldn’t get him off. He really wanted to kill me. He said I was the reason everything went wrong in his life and he hated me.”

My breathing gets heavier as the numbness disappears. My eyes start pouring out tears again as I whimper. “O-One of the doms came into our playroom and got him off me, but I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. H-He told me not to say anything, but when they asked if he was abusing me, I t-told. I stopped being a sub after court and everything. So many people shamed me for it because I was sub. They thought I should’ve known that he’d hit me because I’m into b**m. It wasn’t my fault that he was abusing me. He tried telling everyone that I wanted it. I didn’t want him to hurt me. H-He always promised he’d never do it again, but he did! Every time. He always did it again.”

Teagan wraps his arms around me to pull me into his lap. I cry on his shoulder, my sobs causing my entire body to shake.

“Shh, Elliot. It’s okay, baby. That will never ever happen to you again. I won’t let it.” He hums softly, petting my hair and rubbing my back. He does everything he can to help me relax. Once I do, he pulls back to look into my eyes. “He r***d you?”

I shake my head quickly, the shock of his statement makes me feel a bit mad at him. Was he not listening?

“No! I agreed to do that stuff with him. He didn’t… he didn’t.”

“Elliot, you said stop, and he didn’t stop. You used your safeword, and he didn’t stop. That’s rape.”

I pause and stare at him, thinking about it. He was f*****g me when he started choking me. I said stop because he was being too rough and really hurt. Teagan is right though. He didn’t stop even when he choked me. Even when I safeworded he kept going. Oh god, was he getting off on hurting me like that? It’s one thing to do it to someone who’s consenting, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want that!

“He… oh my god, Teagan! H-He r***d me.” I cry, wrapping my arms around my body. I’m usually so confident, but now I can’t help but to hate the way I look. I feel… tainted.

“Elliot, It wasn’t your fault. I don’t know exactly what you’re thinking, but I’m sure I have an idea of it, and I don’t want you to feel that way. You are beautiful and precious and loved. Don’t you dare think that you’re anything less.” He demands, keeping his arms around me.

“I’m… disgusting.”

“Do you trust me?” He asks.

I frown and nod instantly. I don’t have to think. “Yes. I do.”

“Then you know that I’d never lie to you. I’m telling you right now Elliot. You are not who you were. You are not and never have been disgusting. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Say it.”

“I am not and have never been disgusting.” I repeat, feeling a bit better when I say it. I don’t believe it, but knowing that Teagan does makes me happier.

He leans in to peck my lips before laying back on the bed and pulling me with him so that he can spoon me. “I’m so proud of you for telling me that, baby. Thank you for trusting me and confiding in me. I’ll have you repeat those words every day until you believe it.”