Beneath Human Eyes

Calling Home

I've only ever felt defeated twice in my life, this moment being the second time. Its funny, when you claw your way up after falling into the abyss of your mind, just to find yourself constantly visiting the darkness. I had won, I had pulled myself up by the bootstraps, I had not let myself fall apart and had kept sight of my goal, of what I thought would be a bright future. It seems however, that some know better than others as to what their own lives will entail.

If I had told my parents that I was struggling, that the reason I took a gap year was because I needed to find myself once again, that I needed to heal, how I hadn’t gone to study in Germany for the experience but because I was chasing after a man. What if I had told my mother about the grandchild she would never meet. Would she understand my reluctance, why its more than just not being my fathers heir.

Its too late, running seems to have become a habit, and there's nowhere left to run. I stared at the phone screen in my hand, opened to my mothers entry. I have been looking at it for what seems like hours. Inhale, hold, exhale, hold, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Breathing has never felt so laborious, the panic was rising from the tips of my toes, reverberating through my chest, begging to be released. Begging for me to stop fighting it and feel the release of nothingness, to allow my eyes to close, and my body surrender to the sensation. To allow myself the luxury of letting go, a panic induced comatose state, freedom.

Tears blur my vision, and with the sort of luck only I could possess, one lands on the green phone icon. This is it, the universe deciding for me. I fearcly wipe my eyes, freeing them of the tears that were starting to pool at the waterline. The faint dailtone, once, twice, thrice?

“Hello?” my mothers voice comes grogy and faint interrupting the third ring.

I don’t know what to say. “Hi mom, its me, sorry I disappeared for the past nine or so months.” Or how about “Hey mom, I'm in school, do you think we could postpone this wedding stuff.” Or best yet “Mommy, I don’t want to get married, im a tortured soul that has been trying to fake it till, and I just want everything to go back to when I thought life was a thornless rose garden and I would inheret the hotel, good talk.”

“Hello?” her voice sounds again. Inhale, hold, exhale, hold, repeat. I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Mom” I say, not even recognizing my own voice, small, scared, and pathetic.

“Mili, ohh thank God.” I could hear her shift and the sound of my fathers grunts as she presumably shakes him awake. “Ali’i, get up, its our daughter.” I hear him grunt again accompanied by more shuffling. “Mili, im so glad you called, your father has been looking everywhere for you. You left everything behind, you didn’t even say anything when you left, where have you been? What have you been doing.” She hardly pasused for breath as she spat out question after question.

“Mom…” it’s a real possibility that father didn’t tell her that he had found me, but its also equally possible that it wasn’t him…but that girl, she spoke Na Vosa Vakaviti, all be it, not well...but it felt personal, intimate, threatening even. The other option? A border line stalker ex? If he couldn’t get to me through Jess...would he? He never gave any indication that he would go to such lengths. I shake my head, I cant spiral, its probably my father, that woman was not there to scare me, just a courtesy call, a “Hey, the jig is up pack your bags you’re going to Manhattan!”

“Sorry love i was just so worried where are you I will be on the first flight to get you.” It came out almost as one word. everything rushed and strung together, the syllables blending into one another .

“Mom…tell me about Mr. Nahid.” I wasn't ready to go back, I needed information.

“Ohh, uh well, he is kind, he is a bit older than you, but he is very successful, his family is well off, and you will always have a safety net. Uh, his father helped your father secure the loan to buy and renovate the hotel, and his father used to vacation here, you were so smitten with him as a young girl. And he, he just thought you were the cutest thing. he neverminded you following him around. You broke your fathers heart you know, telling him that you wanted to marry Mr. Nahid.” She was rambling, and laughing awkwardly between sentences.

“When did you decide that I would marry him, that I would not inherit the hotel.”

“Mili, you will inherit the hotel, your father is still capable, you can build conections, network, expand and broaden your horizons, and have a powerful backer. just, not now honey, and even without this, not now.” She emphasized this.

“Mom.” how could she be sure that my marriage wouldn't set the hotel on a different path. That it wouldn't eventually lay abandoned after I assimilate into my husband's family. Or that we wouldn't sell it, maybe even absorb it into another business, it losing its island charm in exchange for corporate luxury.

“When you were twelve, Mr. Nahid visited for the last time, it was decided that you would marry into the Nahid family.”

“Why didn’t you tell me.”

“Mili, I…I didn’t think it would matter…if I told you or not. Nothing you could say would change the arrangement.”

“I could have been prepared, but you two chose to spring it on me.”

“I am sorry, I really am.”

“Mom, if I told you I want more time. Could you help me. I started another school program, I am having so much fun, I swear when I complete it I will come home.” I paused, I was talking to fast, sounding desperate, I took a breath to steady myself. “Mom, I want more time.”

“Mr. Nahid is a reasonable man, im sure if we meet with him, he will understand. You put us in a difficult situation Mili, if we had talked this through sooner. negotiating with him would be easier. You shut down, we knew you were reluctant but you didn't even pause to listen to any details. I could hear the motherly tone as she began to chastise me. It was true, I hadn't stopped to ask, I heard what I heard and ran with it. i has felt trapped, scared, controlled, I hadn't given anyone a chance to explain further.

“Mom,” I cut her off, knowing if I let her, she would go on. “I know, im sorry. I'll fix this, I am far closer to Manhatten than you, I'll have a break in school in a couple of weeks, I'll send you the dates, arrange a time for me to meet him.”

“Okay dear, I knew you would do the right thing, I love you.”

I hang up, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I love her back, it felt wrong, like a mouthful of sand. I love her, I know I do, but the squeeze in my chest feels like a warning. I know im being unreasonable, I have been for a long time, I can tell her later, when my chest isn’t tight, when I can breathe easy.

Before I knew it I was boarding the plane, Jess had taken time off work to meet me in Manhatten, my greatest ally. Her being so willing to drop what she had going on to support me in my mess, filled me with resolve. I will no longer cause problems for those around me, I will ask for help, I will tell people what is going on in my life and what's on my mind. I don’t have to do this alone. Chanting it like a mantra, beating it into my psyche, a spell to ward away the anxiety.

With every passing second I can feel the hand tightening around my heart, compressing my chest. All of this seemingly coming about because an elementary aged me liked handsome faces.

I must have fallen asleep, luckly for me because the dinging of the air craft speakers and the pilot announcing our eminent decent came in a crackly overhead voice. In less than ten minutes I will be back on U.S. soil, back in New York.