Pornstar {MxM}

apologies and self-loathe

On Monday morning, Reggie was a battered train wreck. Some painkillers helped, but his head still throbbed. His head was pounding from all the beer he’d taken at a roadside club the night before, and with his flatmates giving him the silent treatment, the weekend couldn’t get any worse.

His head ached. The ache in his chest was harder to explain and it wasn’t because of the split.

At least he didn’t have much on his plate today. Just to proofread two children books and go over an autobiography for little mistakes the editor had missed. He bared his soul to the mindless process, getting lost in the whirl of words and incorrect grammatically-strung sentences.

First day of the week, already feeling shitty.

Despite being a gay misogynist, he was deeply ashamed of his conduct the night before. He’d always kept his cool while the couples indulged in their shenanigans, no matter how much it displeased him. He’d forced himself to be okay with it because Desmond and Owen were the only friends he had and although Derek moved in recently, there was no doubt that the bloke wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine.

When he’d moved in at first, he had no idea that Desmond was gay. He only hated how touchy the red-head got with him and told him outright. Then one cool summer evening when he’d gone out to get the groceries without Desmond knowing, he’d walked in thirty minutes later to find him and another black-haired chap in bed together. From then onwards his feelings towards females blurred and as Desmond became more open about his sexuality with him, Dave evolving into a regular figure in the flat and Owen openly gay and proud moving in to stay with them, he’d got lost in it all and learnt a lot in the last year or so.

He’d gotten used to their relationship, accepting and supportive while trying to not be a d**k about it. But deep down it made his stomach roil, his guts churn at seeing two guys together, and the discomfort made him both guilty and jealous – a combination summing up to anger. Somehow, the split had been the fuel that ignited the flames.

He sighed, thrusting down the manuscript he was perusing through and leaned back on the plush leather swivel chair. He took off his glasses, his hand accidentally knocking off the empty can of Coke on his table. He leant over, cursing as he retrieved it. When he got home that night, he resolved to apologise. He owed them that at least.

Dusk came around faster than the previous week and Reggie got tired of lounging alone in the sofa with his flatmates not still back. Out of leisurely options, he embarked on a run in the city park and when he got back to the house again and had showered and changed, it was just after seven and all three of his housemates sat in the cozy living area, copped up in their businesses of chatting, watching TV, flirting and kissing. Ceaser caught his eye while his tongue was deep down Owen’s throat and pulled away, flushed and setting some distance between him and Owen. The disentanglement made Reggie feel bad.

Noticing this, Owen turned to see what’s up and frowned. He mumbled a greeting to Reggie while Desmond nodded, the latter’s usual friendly face guarded.

Reggie couldn’t blame him. Bracing himself, he cleared his throat and stood in before the TV, commanding their attention.

“Um…About Saturday night…”

All heads whipped to him, brows raised expectantly. Reggie’s cheeks flamed up in shame and his palms turned moist as he remembered his childish outburst. “I was wrong and what I did was totally out of line and I’m here to say I’m sorry. You have just as much right to kiss, cuddle and do whatever you like I public. In here. And if what you guys are doing isn’t my thing, I can just focus on the TV instead. You could blame my tantrum on my drunkenness, and because of splitting up with Beth. I was having it a shitty day and shouldn’t have taken it out on you guys.” He turned to address Ceaser directly. “I’m so sorry for snapping at you, C. Can you help pass my apology to Owen please? He’s still mad at me and I deserve it.”

“Sure.” Ceaser’s face broke into a small smile as he pulled Owen in for a brief kiss. “There.”

Reggie waited for a response from Desmond and Dave, or at least a reaction. He held his breath when Desmond stood, took a few steps towards him and stopped. In a millisecond, his fist shot out and rammed into Reggie’s arm, making the blonde stumble a bit before being enveloped in a bear hug.

“You were a total d**k,” Desmond’s rasped, breath tickling Reggie’s ear and sending tingles down Reggie’s d**k. He pulled away now, forcing a smile as Desmond patted his arm soothingly. “But that was a decent apology, so I’ll take it. Just don’t try that again or else you’ll have more than a playful punch to deal with.”

“Thanks man.” He glanced at Dave, Owen and Ceaser. “All good now?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure.”

Owen hesitated. “Of course.”

Only then did Reggie shift his gaze to Derek, who sat observing the scene unfold, his face blank. Although Reggie didn’t feel the need to apologize to Derek because his altercation hadn’t involved him directly, Derek was gay and his homophobic comments had surely struck a nerve too. “So sorry, man.”

Derek held his gaze, his cerulean blue eyes glassy and hard to look away from. His left eye twitched. “It’s fine. We all mess up sometimes. It’s in the past now so forget about it.”

Relief and something between the line of gratitude and admiration flooded through Reggie. He wasn’t sure he deserved such casual forgiveness – he still found it hard forgiving himself. Also, he wondered why Derek’s opinion mattered so much to him, like if he hadn’t said it was fine, Reggie would move mountains to get back into his good books, but then again he dismissed the thought.

“Okay,” He rubbed his hands together, breaking the tense silence. “Who’s starving? I am. I’ll go order some pizzas and ice-cream. Bills on me.”

“Yeah.” They all began cheering as Reggie trotted back to his room to get his phone, muscles relaxed, his apology over with and accepted.