Pornstar {MxM}

goodbyes and suck-ups

Noon came around faster that day, much to Reggie’s relief. He insisted though on walking with her to catch the tube.

“Come on now, don’t be stubborn. Hand me your bag.”

“You don’t have to do that anymore. Besides, don’t you have an afternoon shift to get to?”

“My shift can wait. I want to see you off.”

It wasn’t that Beth couldn’t manage just fine on her own, but Reggie felt like he needed to see the breakup right to the very end. The finality of seeing her off and getting that chapter of his life done with. Letting her go on his doorstep was very ungentlemanly, and he wouldn’t like it if his flatmates were to be around for the final farewell. He would have to tell them the truth eventually. They were bound to suspect something was wrong if Beth stopped visiting the forthcoming weekends and call her up to ask, which Reggie wouldn’t like.

They matched each other’s footsteps, pace for pace, past afternoon shoppers and laughing teenagers going over to the swimming pool for a dive to cool off, couples doing PDA and the sound of moving vehicles giving the city a lively vibe. Reggie’s stomach twisted as he stared at a gay couple making out through the transparent window of a restaurant. He hurried forward, adjusting Beth's sports bag on his shoulder, feeling feverish all of a sudden. The bag strap dug in but he didn’t acknowledge the pain. His mind was alive with the mental image of those two guys locking lips that he walked off the sidewalk onto the road, a Land Rover coming at him in full speed.

“Reggie!” Beth pulled him back just as the Rover was about to sweep him off his feet. Reggie’s attention was wrenched to the present at the wild whirl of wind tousling his hair and the driver of the Rover cursing fervently. “What were you thinking? You almost got run over!”

“This is messed up.” He ran a hand through his hair to prevent the wind from messing with it further, ignoring the curious glances thrown his way by people passing by. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you sure seeing me off isn’t taking a toll on your thought process? I can manage just fine on my own –“

“Let it be now, Beth. I just got a little distracted back there. I promised I’d see you off, didn’t I? Come on now let’s go, else you’ll miss the bus.”

They parted ways after a few more turns at the ticket barrier. The weight of the split descended on Reggie the minute they got into the empty tube, awaiting passengers.

“I’ll miss you, Reg,” She sobbed, eyes bright and glassy with tears. “I still love you, you’re the sweetest boyfriend I know. I just wished it’d worked out for the both of us.”

“I know. Same here.” He pulled her into his arms for a hug. She clung on him and he wrapped his arms tight around her, letting her cry onto his shoulders, her shoulders heaving in release. It felt strange offering comfort when she was the one practically dumping him, but he could feel her erratic heartbeat to know she still cared deeply about him. He found himself wondering how good it’d feel to be hugged by someone bigger and stronger than himself. It must be nice. With a sigh, he remembered his roommate at campus, Troy, who’d try to hug him everytime he got back from class or they got drunk and sappy at a nightclub pub. Reggie had always pushed him away in disgust, uncomfortable with the contact and anxious about what those watching around would think.

Beth disentangled herself, wiping the tears off with her forefinger and interrupting his thoughts. Her eyes were still glassy but she seemed to be making an effort not to shed more tears. She stepped away from him now but not without giving him a final kiss on the cheek.

Reggie looked around, embarrassed as the seated passengers. He wondered how they’d all come in at such a short time while he was comforting Beth. One of the wonders of Bristol, he mused.

“Take good care of yourself, Reg. I hope you find the right girl someday, one who makes you happy. I wasn’t her.”

“You too Beth. Hope we can still be friends huh? Give me a call when you get back home.”

“Of course.” She smiled. “Have a nice life. No matter what, stay strong.”

She watched him disembark, waving.

“Goodbye Beth!”

The tube began moving and Reggie stayed back, watching it move down the road and out of sight.

“More!” Reggie clunked the small glass cup on the table hard.

“Coming right up!” The barman, Angus, who was still the owner of the pub grinned as he refilled Reggie’s empty cup. It was clocking seven and the usual crowd of night animals – clubbers and those in need of a hookup – were trooping in large numbers into the pub. Reggie wasn’t the only customer being attended to.

The blonde downed the drink down again in one go, shaking his head in protest as the alcohol buzzed and swirling in his head. His eyes watered, blurring his vision as he tried to make out the moving figures surrounding him. Jesus, he felt like s**t. How many had he drunk since he got back from seeing Beth off at the station? Maybe a twenty…or forty? He’d lost count over the tenth.

He should probably switch to water and then head home – morning shifts were hard to miss like he’d just done that afternoon. His manager would be pissed, calling his head off and threatening a salary reduction, or worse – taking his job. The last thing he needed was any of that as he’d have a hard time job hunting and a couple of bills piling high up.

Fuck it. It was only seven. One more wouldn’t hurt.

He drained that too, stamped a twenty dollar bill on the table with a promise to pay up tomorrow and heaved himself off the barstool. Staggering out of the pub with only the dim street lights to help him navigate his way home, it was most likely he wouldn’t get home in one piece. An afternoon repeat – a car almost knocking him down and the driver cursing – took place again and he was unapologetic.

“f**k you!” he hollered after the cursing driver and took off his jacket, tossing it about in the air and screaming. “Wooohooooooo!! My life’s officially f****d up!” It was a miracle he got home safe that day.

When he stumbled into the living room, Desmond, one of his flatmates was all cuddled up with his boyfriend Dave on one of the large sofas. Their lips were locked in a passionate kiss broken by Reggie’s entrance. That alone was a reminder of his misery.

“Reggie?” Desmond was up on his feet, looking flushed as he walked up to him. “Dude, what happened?”

“f**k off.” Reggie slurred brushing past him rudely towards the kitchen. He took out a glass cup, filled it with chilled water from the refrigerator and chugged it down, wincing at the chill hurt in his throat. He turned to go back to the living room, halting at the sight of Desmond blocking the door.

“You’ve got to tell me what happened. Why the f**k did you get wasted like this?”

“Leave me alone.” Reggie muttered closely, shoving him out of the way. Desmond wasn’t his mum. He could handle himself and this wasn’t the first time he’d be going to work with a hangover, neither was it going to be the last. He’d done that far too many times since he started working in July, but whatever.

Back in the living room, Reggie collapsed into a vacant sofa. The TV was on, closing credits of the popular After We Collided rolling in. Sunk into a black hole of despondency, he gazed around forlornly at his flatmates instead.

Derek, one of the new guys who’d moved in last month, sat in a corner of one of the sofas doing something on his phone, his beautifully smooth blonde hair falling off his forehead and the glow of the screen illuminating his badboy features. Reggie couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing – probably hooking up on Wink or one of those gay apps.

That sickening feeling gutted Reggie down again. It wasn’t his business, so therefore he shouldn’t care. But the idea that hot Derek might be planning some hook-up with some random guy on the internet lodged in his consciousness like a nail to the underfoot. Maybe it was because Beth's split was giving Reggie some thought on confronting and exploring his sexuality. Maybe the idea of soliciting for s*x on Grindr with some random guy wasn’t as appealing as it should be.

Reggie turned his attention to the second couple in the room aside from Desmond. Owen had always been some sort of an introvert, but when Ceaser was around him, he evolved to a lover boy, spurting affectations and trying to impress. Owen had his hands around Ceaser, and as Reggie watched in discomfort, he turned his red head and murmured something in Ceaser’s ear. The dark-haired boy threw his head back in laughter while Ceaser sat back smug. When Ceaser calmed, they exchanged a soft smile and pecked each other’s lips, only long enough to make Reggie uncomfortable.

Irrational anger surged through his veins, spilling out of his mouth before he could hold the words back. “For f**k’s sake, you have a room for a reason.”

Ceaser pulled away quickly, his cheeks burning. “Sorry Reg.”

Owen glared at Reggie. “What’s your deal this evening?”

Reggie scoffed, glaring right back. “Well if you guys could just spare me the PDA, I might be happy to make it through the night with my sanity intact.”

“Well, there’s a television over there for your leisure. You’re the one getting yourself uncomfortable by looking. It was just a harmless kiss, it’s not like we were blowing each other or anything. Jesus, you behave childish sometimes.”

“Ugh. And I’m supposed to say thank you for that exciting mental image.” Reggie did a mock shudder, snorting.

“Hold up, you two. Reg, what the f**k’s gotten into you tonight?”

Desmond’s voice cut through Reggie’s drunken, angry haze, and he realized that all eyes in the room were on him. He settled for staring at Derek’s bobbing Adam’s apple, up the chiselled jaw and cryptic blue eyes looking straight at him, curious and accessing, and he flushed at the unwanted attention.

“You should have gotten used to it by now,” Desmond continued. “You’ve lived with Troy and I before he moved out, and you know Dave’s no stranger. I’ve caught you fingering Beth on the sofa before and I didn’t react the way you just did. You don’t get a free pass for living room PDA just because you’re the only straight one around since Troy left us.”

That fanned the spark as Reggie’s anger escalated to a point of no return. “Oh yeah? Then maybe it’s because I’m done pretending to be comfortable with all the gay in here. I never signed up for this when we moved in together, neither did I ever tell you I liked watching you all get on with your lovers.” He stood abruptly and the whole room tilted before him. He staggered and sunk back down with a thump.

“Well if you don’t like it, you might as well save yourself the trauma and leave. It’s that simple. There are many flats in Bristol for rent.” Even Desmond who was slow to anger sounded really annoyed now. But Reggie wasn’t giving up the argument just yet.

“Yeah, maybe I will someday.” With effort, Reggie staggered to the door, careful not to ruin his exit by walking into the center table or knocking down the pictures on the wall. “Oh, and just so you all know, Beth and I broke up this morning, so you won’t have to put up with our hetero s**t anymore.”

He slammed the door with extra force, his head reeling in anger and alcohol as he pushed open his room door and shut it back, turning the lock. That didn’t make him feel any better. After throwing himself down on the bed, he clutched his pillow, placing it on his face and allowed harsh sobs of fury burst out of him until the red mist receded and guilt and shame snuck up to occupy the space where his anger had been.