Phoenix

Chapter 20

I had expected for my mother and Harry not to make it for christmas. My sister had been born only a week prior. But on christmas eve they had surprised me by coming in with Tim after work.  I had excitedly hugged my mom who held me back to look at me.

"You look different!? What's changed." She asked, searching my face for the answer. I had simply shrugged. Then winked at Tim. He knew. One day I would tell her. Not today. I hugged Harry, holding him close. I had really missed him. Then I was introduced to my sister. 

"This is Heather," Mom said, holding her out so I could hold her. 

"Just make sure you support her head ok?" She said as she handed her to me. I nodded. Then moved into the living room. Laying her gently on the floor and spreading my legs around her. 

"She's beautiful." I whispered. She really was. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes. Beautiful blue eyes and a tiny little nose. I leaned forward and kissed her. She made a cooing sound. I watched her for hours. Holding her fingers and teasing her. When it was time for bed I kissed her goodnight and made my way up to my dreams. Lately they weren't dreams they were nightmares. But I was exhausted. 

    Christmas morning dawned a hot arizona sunrise.  I could hear my mother moving around in her bedroom downstairs.  I yawned and stretched excited, I was once again tired. Big black bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. But time to get up and get ready to spend the day with family.  Something smelled great.  Probably Turkey.  I’m sure mom had gotten up early and put it in the oven. I got out of my bed, fluffed the blankets and made my way over to the bathroom.  Turning on the towel warmer and the heat light I jumped into the shower.  I heard the bell ring as I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.  I quickly jumped out and dried off throwing on my typical jeans and tshirt. Then I put the concealer under my eyes that I had started wearing when Liam left and headed down the stairs. I heard the happy chatter that had become the norm around the house the last few days.  We were content in our two full and happy houses.  I smiled hopelessly and happily.  Knowing that today would be a good day, no matter how tired I was.  Everyone was scattered.  The boys in the living room joking with one another.  Dad, Harry and James sitting at the dining table drinking coffee and mom, Gail and Paisley were in the kitchen stirring pots and licking spoons.  Heather in the play pen on the side of the room sleeping. Mom, dad and Harry had been getting along so well.  It was a relief to see that they could. I walked in and offered to help,

“Hey, guys do you need help?” I asked politely.  We made up a quick breakfast everyone laughing and chatting after eating we sat down around the tree.  My stomach twisting with excitement.  I couldn’t wait to see what Liam had gotten me.  

“Ok” Said Gail, “everyone pick a present and we will open them at the same time.” Paisley grabbed me the gift from Liam like she knew exactly what was in it.  She probably did the brat. 

“Ready set go!” Yelled peyton.  I ripped mine open.  It was a jar with notes inside it.  It had a burlap bow around it.  I opened the jar and pulled out a folded piece of paper. 

The most beautiful woman I have ever seen came to my house tonight. She was wearing a black evening gown.  When she kissed me my whole world exploded in stars. The best part. Is that she is my girlfriend. I love her. 

I almost started crying.  This would need to wait for later.  But my hand instinctively went into the jar and pulled out another note.

I went hiking with olivia today.  I enjoyed being with her all day.  Everytime i had an excuse to touch her i made sure to do it.  I really hope that she feels the same as i do.  I kissed her.  It was the best first kiss in the world.  I felt this immense love towards her and I couldn’t stop myself.  I didn’t want to stop myself.  If I could spend the rest of my life kissing her I would be complete.  

“Awe!!!” a squeal came over my shoulder.  

“Paisley!” Gail shouted.  

“Get away that’s not for your eyes!” I smiled because I didn’t mind.  This was a beautiful gift. 

“Ok more gifts!” Paisley said handing more out.  I opened a parcel from my mom.  It contained a photo scrapbook with pictures of us from when we were together.  I flipped through it. Photo’s of my first christmas. I sat in a box with a bow on my head. My first day of school.  My first lost tooth.  A dance recital.  All our trips to Kate’s park in Deep Cove.  Stanley park, granville Island.  I put the book down and leaned over to hug my mom.  

“Thanks mom, this is great.” I said, it was a wonderful thing that I would cherish here. 

“Oh hunny, it’s not much.” She said waving a hand. I shook my head.

“Mom this is the kind of thing I would want you know me so well.” We smiled at each other.  Across the room Gail had opened my gift.  A bottle of wine with frerro roche chocolates all over it to make it look like a pineapple.  The wine I had gotten Peyton to buy since I wasn’t old enough.  

“Thank you Olivia and Tim.” She said smiling. I winked at Tim, he didn't have time to shop so I had gotten gifts from all of us. He smiled at me and mouthed "Thank you" Paisley handed me one from the whole family, a very blingy belt with the brand name BB Simon on it. It was beautiful.  I wasn’t sure when I would wear it but the copper swarovski crystals that covered it were beautiful.  I thanked her for it as she handed me one from Tim.  I was certain it would be expensive.  It was small.  I undid the red ribbon doing it up and slipped the lid off the box.  It was a pale blue box inside of a brown box.  The blue box read Tiffany and Co.  I lifted the lid.  A heart shaped locket sat on top of dark velvet material.  I slid it out of the box.  Opening the locket I found a picture of Tim and I and mom and a picture of Liam on the otherside. 

“Oh dad.” I gasped.  He smiled, not saying a word he stood up and helped me put it on.  Then he kissed the top of my hand and went to sit back down.

“Dad it’s perfect!” I said happily.  He smiled knowingly.  Gifts were being opened all around. The boys happy with the hunting knives I had gotten them. Harry loved the new golf shoes I had picked up. 

"Thanks kiddo! want to play a round before I go home?" He was teasing of course but lucky for me I had been playing with Tim lately. 

"I think that I would love to play with both my dads" I said, he looked surprised. 

"We have a membership at the Orange Town Course just down the road. It's not a bad course and just a few minutes from home. We should definitely go before you guys go home." Tim said to Harry. 

Paisley walked towards me with another small brown package in her hands.  

“Another from Liam” she said smiling knowingly.  I took it.  Undoing the familiar red ribbon and sliding the top of the box off.  Another blue box on the inside was opened to reveal a beautiful bracelet. It was a rose gold bangle type bracelet.  5 pieces of bracelet.  Four of them were solid gold and one was completely surrounded by three rows of diamonds.  My mouth opened wide. 

“What” I whispered to myself but Peyton heard me.  She smiled and gently nudged me.  I picked it up gently.  Holding it as if it were made of glass.  I turned it in my hand and noticed an inscription on the inside bangle. 

Until We Meet Again 

Oh my god, this had to have been thousands of dollars.  Why did he buy me something like this.  I didn’t need it.  It was so beautiful but I was happy with my jar of notes.  I slid it over my hand and onto my wrist.  I looked up to his mom who was smiling wide.  She had a bracelet of her own.  Not quite as fancy as mine but still beautiful.  Peyton was sliding a necklace over her own neck.  So he spoiled all three women.  But that wasn’t all my mom was holding a set of diamond earrings. Each of the men were currently strapping a watch onto their wrists. 

“Oh my god, how much money did he spend on christmas?” I asked Gail.  She smiled sadly.  

“Liam feels bad for not being here.  He always spends far too much when he isn’t here.  Not that he doesn’t spoil us when he is here.” She said, I nodded.

“This is absolutely beautiful, but the jar is so amazing.  He didn’t need to spend this on me!” I said honestly. She smiled.  

“Oh Olivia, he’s going to spoil you until the day he dies.” she said.  I looked down at the bracelet every cell in my body knowing that she was right.  Tim and Liam both like to spoil me.  But I had never been a materialistic person.  I didn’t need things.  I just wanted them to be there if I needed them.  The rest of Christmas Day went by far too quickly.  Before I knew it, it was two days later I dropped Liam’s family at the airport.  We shared a tearful goodbye before they flew home.  Gail pulling me in to a tight hug. 

“Have a great time with your mom Olivia, keep writing Liam.  I’m sure letter’s from you will make his tour much easier.  One day you should fly out and visit us!” Then she kissed me on the cheek and picked up her bag to head through the security line. 

I took her advice and spent the next few days having tons of fun with my mom. We got pedicures with Norra and Peyton. Went to Saguaro Lake to go fishing with Liam's rods. This time just off the dock. I had no idea how to drive the boat. I decided as we stood casting that I should tell her how serious we were. I cleared my throat and swallowed hard. 

   "Mom, I want to tell you something." I said, quietly. Somehow she heard me and she turned to face me. 

"Liam and I, were ummm." I stopped this was harder than I thought. Somehow it was harder than telling Tim. 

"Your pretty serious aren't you?" She said, reeling in her hook as she spoke. I simply nodded in response. 

"Have you made love with him?" She asked me openly. She had always been that way. I nodded again in response. She was quiet for a long time. I had to break the silence.

"We were careful mom." I said, very quietly. This time she nodded. 

"I just wanted to tell you. I haven't ever kept secrets and I thought that it was only fair to let you know." I said. She smiled.

"Oh honey, I already knew. A mother knows these things." She said, then she kissed me on the cheek and we spent the rest of the afternoon casting and reeling in our hooks. 

      Before I knew it I was once again standing on the wrong side of security.  This time watching my mother and Harry’s retreating backs as they headed back to their life in Vancouver. Heather in a carseat between them.  I thought when I invited her here that spending christmas together would be all that I needed but I really did need more.  I hadn’t realized just how much I truly missed my mother until she was here with me.  Now it was just Tim and I left alone.  To be the introverts that we truly loved being.  But something in me had changed.  I was more social than ever before.  I needed and craved the touch and talk of other people.  Someone who had always wanted to just lock herself in her room and listen quietly to music while reading a classic novel.  I wasn’t like that anymore.  I found myself enjoying the pool at the exercise centre.  Reading books in the park and people watching.  Spending so much more time with my friends.  But on the inside I knew I did it simply because I missed my mother but most of all I missed Liam. 

I had refrained from opening every single note on christmas and instead limited myself to one a day.  Praying that maybe, just maybe they would last until Liam crossed that security line on his way home.  After I couldn’t see my mother anymore.  I wiped away a tear and turned to head back to the parking lot.  Going home to be alone.  The house seemed empty and lonely.  Far to clean for my liking.  So I tossed my jacket onto the living room floor and kicked my shoes across the room.  Then I headed upstairs to read my note of the day.  I had put a cork board up above my dresser and set the jar underneath.  Each day I would open a note.  Read it, sometimes cry over it and then I would tack it to the board.  I skimmed over them now slowing my attack on the jar.  Hoping for some sort of delayed gratification.  They were always small little notes but enjoyable nonetheless.    

I caught the neighbours daughter spying on me today.  She seemed so embarrassed but really I’m flattered.  She’s really quite striking. Might have to take her out on a date. 

I kept scanning the board. 

Olivia was attacked today.  I can’t say why but my protective instincts kicked in like she belongs to me.  I want to keep her safe for the rest of her life.  I feel so ashamed that i wasn’t there to completely stop the attack.  She could have been killed.  There’s a bruise underneath her right eye from the man hitting her.  I want to hit myself for ever letting her feel that kind of pain.  I hope she lets me in.  I want to keep her safe.  I’m not sure that she really understands the kind of danger that she was truly in.  

I smiled.  So amazed that he had kept so many details written down.  He had never striked me as the kind of man to keep a journal.  But the notes were torn from the pages of a book so he must have one.  I put my hand into the jar and pulled out my daily note.  

Tonight I hope that I sealed my fate with olivia.  If she didn’t know how I feel she must know now.  I took her and had a picnic in the box of the truck.  Cuddling her for hours.  I hope that she feels the same.  If she doesn’t I will simply love her from a distance.  But for this one moment in time my heart is full. 

I wiped the tear that was rolling down my face and pinned the note to the board.  Smiling deeply because of the love that I felt.  Then I brushed my hair and headed down to the living room.  I flicked on the tv for some background noise and curled up on the couch to finish my book.  Tim had been watching the news that morning but I didn’t care what was on I just needed some sound in that big empty house.  I poured myself into my novel.  I had chosen to reread for the five hundredth time To Kill A Mockingbird.  It was one of my ultimate favorites.  Time that morning flew quickly as I turned page after page.  Scouring the worn paper for something that resembled happiness.  As I was about to give up my eyes found my favorite passage.

"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us.  That's why it's a sin to kill a mocking bird."

As many times as I had read the book I always enjoyed those few simple lines.  I looked up to reflect on that passage. As I looked up the TV caught my eye.  What!

I scooted forward on the couch tossing my book to the side and reaching for the remote.  I quickly had the volume blaring off the walls and ceiling. 

“Breaking news today.  A US Marine base has been attacked in Syria.  At this moment we are waiting to hear for certain who is to blame for this.  US officials have suspicions that North Korea is to blame.  President Olary has made a statement.”

The screen changed to Mr President at the white house press conference.  My hands had flown to my mouth and my heart was racing a thousand miles a minute.  

“We do not know for certain who initiated this disgusting attack on our countries greatest defenders.  What we do know for sure is that we will find the culprits and they are going to pay.” The president then shook hands with people on the TV.  I didn’t even notice but I had slid down onto the floor of the living room.  Tears streaming down my face.  In that moment my phone rang. 

“Olivia?” Paisley!

“Paisley! Oh my god, what is going on on the TV?” She interrupted me.

“Olivia! Don’t panic mom is just on the phone with the home base  that Liam is signed through.  He’s fine.  There’s only one phone so he can’t really call out.  But he’s fine.” I breathed a breath of air and sighed. 

“Paisley is this what it is always like?” I could hear that she had started crying on the other side.

“Yea Olivia, it really is.” We cried together on the phone.  I sobbed into my hand.  

“Paisley, I love him.  I really love him.  I don’t know if I can do this.” My voice was hoarse and muffled.  

“Olivia mom want’s to talk to you.” She answered.

“K, I’ll talk to you later.” Gail came on the line. 

“Olivia, I know this is hard.  Believe me, I’ve been through four of them with him and twelve with his father.  But I need you to do something for me ok?” She asked almost pleading.  

“Ok?” I whispered. 

“When Liam comes home.  Please beg him to stay. Tell him it is you or the army.  Do anything to keep my boy home please! My old heart cannot do this anymore!” There was a helpless pleading in her voice.  I nodded in agreement on the other end. 

“Gail, I promise you that I will put every piece of heart I have into keeping him home.  I can’t do it either.” I answered truthfully.  She sighed on the other end. 

“Thank you Olivia.  I love you dear.  He won’t listen to me but for you he would hang the moon.”  She said quietly.  I felt my heart expand.  I hung up the phone feeling guilty of the conspiring I was doing.  Liam loved his career or so he said.  Could I really ask him to not do it anymore? I know he had promised me one more tour. But would he really be happy without them? There’s no reason why he couldn’t have a desk job.  Or train soldiers.  He didn’t need to go overseas in order to be in the Marine Corps.  The tears were still running down my face when my cell phone rang again.  With a very odd number popping up.  Expecting a telemarketer and being in a mood I answered it. 

“Unless you are giving me money, I’m not in the mood I don’t want to buy anything I already donated and I don’t know if I believe in god right now.” I was about to hang up but the laughter on the other end stopped me. 

“HA, HA, HA Oh Love you really just want me for my money?” The voice on the other end sent shivers down my spine. My heart picked up ten gears threatening to pound out of my chest. The tears flowed faster. 

“L...i...a...m!” I smacked my broken arm off the side table as I jumped up.

"Ouch f**k!" I hollered, tears of pain streaming down my face. 

“Awe love please don’t cry and turn the stupid news off because obviously you have seen what happened last night.”  He said quietly.  I had already turned the stupid news off. 

“Olivia are you ok?” He asked me quietly.  Sadly.  

“No, I banged my arm off the side table.” I croaked. 

"Why would that hurt?" He asked me honestly. Oh my letter must not have gotten there yet. 

"I broke my arm the day you left." I said simply. Wiping the last tears from my face. 

"Oh baby, I'm sorry. How?" He asked. I chuckled. 

"Tim took me hiking and I fell on a cactus." I said still giggling. 

"Damn, I wish I was there to stop that." He said, sadly. 

"Come home." I whispered. 

“Olivia, love, you have no idea right now how badly I want to do that.  But I can’t baby.  I just can’t.  With this new attack we lost a lot of good men over here.  I was supposed to be coming home in May but honey I won’t be coming home for a bit longer. I’m really so sorry.” He whispered sadly. It was like he had punched me in the teeth.  The pain started at my heart and spread.  A dull ache at first, stretching it’s ways to my fingers and my toes.  Then a searing burn.  It was as if my life had been ripped out from under my feet.  I didn’t care if he wanted to be here.  If he wanted to be with me so badly why did he leave.  I felt anger in my fists I felt anger in my stomach.

“Liam, this isn’t fair.  I know I involved myself with you and I love you.  But this isn’t fair.” I said, I knew it would be something that drove a knife into him.  But I wouldn’t be able to not tell him how I felt.  The silence was deafening. He didn’t speak or breathe and then…

“Love. I shouldn’t have left.  It was wrong but now I’m stuck until this tour is over.  Olivia I’m sorry. I love you.”  He said sadly.  s**t I hurt him.  

“Liam, I’m sorry too.  I just miss you.” I lied trying to apologize for being so childish I didn’t want to hurt him this way but I couldn’t do this.  It was me or the army.  I couldn’t be with a man who was in constant danger.     My brain was swirling around and around. 

“I know baby, trust me the idea of curling up with you is far more appealing than sharing a tent with six sweaty ball sacks.” He said trying to be funny and the sad part was it worked.  I laughed. 

“That’s gross.” I chuckled into the phone.  I could almost hear him smiling. 

“You don’t have to smell them.”  He said laughing.  In the background I could hear someone bitching at him that they wanted a turn on the phone. 

“Yea, yea man. Give me a minute it’s my girl’s first deployment.” He said to whoever it was.  

“I don’t want to get off of here.  But they’ll only get more and more restless if I don’t” He said.  

“They have girls too.” I said back understanding. I hadn’t expected a call at all.  I had been more than pleasantly surprised and hearing his voice might give me a bit of a boost for the next few days.  

“Yea babe, I should let them have a turn we only have one phone.  I love you, I can’t wait to get your next letter.  Look after yourself ok beautiful?”  He said happily.  

“Yea Liam I love you too.  Until we meet again?” I said sweetly.  I knew I was lying to him.  I knew that I was just being a coward.  Why couldn’t I break up with him like an adult? But I didn’t want to hear it in his voice.  I hoped that breaking up with him would make him truly not re-up.  After talking to his mom it might be the only thing.  

“Until we meet again.” He agreed and with that the phone line cut.  I stared at the wall for the longest time.  Sitting on the floor with my head lolling to one side.  Blankly staring then suddenly I screamed out in agony.  There was a glass on the coffee table.  I picked it up and slammed it into the wall across the room screaming as loudly as I could.  A fierce, roaring scream that I didn’t even know I had in me.  I turned and flipped the coffee table.  I threw my book and then I stomped directly for the liquor cabinet.  When I was liquored up enough I got a pen and a paper.  Then I sat down and started to write. 

January 3, 2017

Dear Liam

This letter, is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever write.  I know why you go to war.  I have nothing but respect for you in that matter. You are the most brave and selfless man that I have ever known.  I will always think highly of you. But I can’t take you leaving anymore.  It hasn’t even been a month and I feel sick.  I can’t even function on a daily level.  Liam I love you to the bottom of my heart.  I think I always will.  But being alone had made me angry.  It’s made me sad. I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep. I’m a walking zombie and I need to move on and live life because right now.  I’m not living.  I’m writing you because I always promised not to lie to anyone.  I need to end this relationship between us.  I’m not blaming you.  I knew what I was getting myself into.  This is my fault.  And we both know that you come home.  Please don’t blame yourself.  I won’t bother you.  I won’t try and force you to talk to me.  I won’t write anymore, nor will I call.  I never wanted to hurt you and somehow I managed to do exactly that.  I have to thank you for everything.  The love that you showed to me can never be compared too.  I’ll never forget you and I will never stop loving you.  I wish you the best.  Please make it home for your family and for yourself.  And don’t re-up.  Your mom and I just spent an hour on the phone crying to one another.  She will never tell you this but this is as hard on her as it is on me.  One day you will find someone who deserves your love.  Who will love you unconditionally and never hurt you.  Thank you for never hurting me. 

Yours always Olivia