Phoenix

Chapter 17

    Tim was gone when we got home after dinner. So we went up to my bedroom where Liam made love to me again. Like he was trying to get his fill of me I was sure. I fell asleep in post coital bliss, sweaty and smelling of musky s*x.   I awoke the morning he was leaving in my bed.  Liam wrapped nakedly around me.  A huge dark cloud hanging over my head.  I was about to experience my first military goodbye. Tim was waiting down stairs with coffee. There wasn't much cheerful chatter happening but he tried to make it work.

"You guys catch any fish yesterday?" He asked Liam. Liam nodded happily. 

"Yes sir!, put them in your freezer. Two are Olivia's." He said, proudly looking at me. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I would cry. 

"You caught fish!?" Tim asked me. I nodded and pretended to sip my coffee. Liam and I went to his house to grab his gear. He dressed in his camo uniform and ushered me out the door. Locking it behind us. He turned and handed me his key. 

“Here love, come over whenever you want.  My truck keys are on the hook and I have lots of camping gear if you ever need to use it.” I nodded hiding my tears. 

"I probably won't use it without you." I said honestly. He ran his hands down my hair. Kissing me gently on the forehead. 

"Well if you want to it's here. My kayak too." He said. I nodded at him but I wasn't really taking anything in. From the moment that we had woken up I felt completely numb.  I tried to think of anything that I could say to make him stay.  But I knew that I couldn’t do that.  He was legally bound to this.  This was his life, his career what he had done for so many years.  Tim drove us to the airport.  Joe and I in the back seat he was watching out the window sitting quietly. Such a beautiful and well behaved animal. I could hardly believe that they were both leaving me. 

Dad had insisted on taking us for breakfast on our way to the airport.  But I couldn’t force myself to eat.  I picked slowly at my food until Liam finally said,

“Olivia, you need to eat that we have to go.” It wouldn’t help the knots that were forming in my stomach. I pushed it away from me.

"I can't eat." I said, Liam paid the check and we headed to the airport. I prayed silently in the back for us to miss the plane. But sooner than I had ever wanted we were at the airport and parking my car. The walk into the airport was far too quick, I was feeling sick now and praying that god would slow down time even just a bit. I could barely keep the tears out of my eyes.  I looked around for anything that could possibly give us one more moment together before he got on that plane.   

Dad allowed himself to stay back and give us our last few minutes alone.  But we weren’t alone.  People all around us were watching us.  Watching me with pitty.  Watching Liam with approval.  I knew that everyone watching us was aware that he was leaving on duty.   So this is what a military wife feels like, I thought to myself.  I knew instantly I did not want this.  As we walked to the security gate the tears began to flow.  I had done my best.  But my best was gone there was no holding it back anymore, I cried and wrapped my arms around him.  Sobbing into his neck, 

“Liam I’m not ready, please don’t go.” I begged him through the tears.

“Shhhh.” He whispered into my ear,  trying to make me feel better. 

"I'm sorrrrryyy." I sobbed, trying to hold it back. He pulled back from me for a minute and out of his pocket he pulled a ring on a chain.  

“This is my marine ring, keep it safe for me?” He asked me.  I nodded as he put it around my neck. Was he marking me? I didn't mind, I was his as far as I was concerned. I didn't want to be anyone else's. 

Then I hugged him, not once, not twice.  I hugged him over and over and over.  I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t say goodbye.  

The hardest part, wasn’t actually saying goodbye. Because eventually I had to give up the battle.  I had to stop hugging him, kissing him, clinging to him.  I had to force myself to say goodbye.  But that was when I discovered. The hardest part was watching him walk away.  His retreating back broke my heart.  Shattering it into a million pieces and I shed a tear for each tiny shard.  I knew he couldn’t turn to look at me.  I knew he needed the minute to walk away and calm himself before getting on that plane. He didn’t want to go as badly as I wanted him to stay.  He never looked back and I was actually glad for it. If he had before he went through security I'm sure I would have chased him down. When I could no longer see his retreating back I turned and headed back to my dad my eyes full of tears, wiping them on the back of my hand and knowing that I wouldn’t be happy until he came home.  He held his arms out and pulled me into a hug.  Letting me silently sob into his shoulder.  He patted my back while I let out my frustrations.  

When I had cried myself dry I stood up and he took my hand and led me to the car.  The trip home was uneventful. As we walked in the door my phoned gave a small ding. 

I love you Olivia, that was the hardest goodbye I have ever had to do. Wait for me. 

I smiled at my phone. Not sure what to say back. I began typing. 

I love you too Liam. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Come back to me. 

I sent it off, wishing with everything I had that he would come home in one piece. Ding* 

I've always made it home before, and then I had nothing to really come home for. You changed my life, one day I will tell you about the darkness you pulled me from. I'm boarding, I'll text you from the base if I can. xoxox

The darkness? what was he talking about? I had no idea about any darkness. Other than his loss of his friend and the one time he had an episode he had seemed so strong. So with it. I put my phone away and tried to move on with the rest of the day.  I chatted about school with Tim. He had taken the day off to spend it with me. Around noon he suddenly said, 

"Do you want to go for a hike?" I looked at him wanting to say no. God I hate hiking, I did it with Liam just to get close to him. But I really hated it. But then I decided, he took the day off for me, he was here we could spend some time together. 

"Sure dad! let me go get changed." I faked being super happy about the idea. I ran upstairs and changed into my hiking gear, grabbing my backpack and the water bottles which I filled in the kitchen. Tim came down, dressed in his own gear with his own bag.  I wondered how come he didn't tell me he hikes. I grabbed us some snacks and put them into my bag then followed him into the garage. We took his car, he drove us a short ten minute drive to Papago park. 

"Has Liam brought you here?" He asked me while I was clipping the waistband up on my backpack. 

"No, not yet. This looks nice." I said smiling. He nodded, 

"It's one of the easier trails around. It's pretty hot today, I wouldn't want to do Camelback or something crazy." He laughed as he finished. I nodded in agreement. I honestly probably wouldn't do that one again. I was quite happy with this hike. It got me out of the house, away from my phone and out into the open air. This was a good idea. I needed to keep my spirits up. Papago park consisted mainly of sandstone rocks. But besides that huge buttes rose up from the ground. Many different hiking trails interlaced with one another winding back and forth. We made a steady pace through the trails. It only took us ten minutes to reach our first stop. 

"This is hole in the rock." Tim said, motioning me to stand in front while he pulled out his camera. I obliged and smiled at him. 

"I'll text it to you. You should send picture to Liam." He said, I smiled and nodded but my heart hurt at the thought. Hole in the rock was a opening in a butte and we walked up the smooth wall to it. It showed beautiful views of Phoenix. open on both sides. 

"They say that the Indians used to live in here." Tim said, placing a hand on the wall. 

"Thats cool." I said, walking to the far side and peering out. 

Next we walled along the crosscut canal trail. Past a botanical garden and The Phoenix Zoo. 

"A zoo!" I said excitedly. Tim looked at me. 

"Oh, I never thought you'd want to see that. How about next weekend?" He asked me smiling. I nodded happily. 

"I'd like that dad." I said grinning ear to ear. I had always wanted to go to a zoo. My mother wouldn't let me. Telling me about how they were cruel. The trail joined with the Elliot Ramada trail and we followed that along. Stopping to admire the flora and fauna as we went. While admiring a cactus Tim excitedly said,

"Ooo Olivia look!" I bent down to see what he was so excited about. A big hairy spider was crawling along underneath it. 

"Eeew.!" I jumped back. Moving far away from this creature. He laughed. 

"It won't hurt you, it's just a tarantula." He said happily.  I shook my head and continued moving away from it. 

"No thanks, lets move on." I pleaded heading up the trail. He laughed again but followed me along. I wondered what he knew about the cactus species here. 

"Dad, what are the big cactuses called?" I asked curiously. 

"Those ones are the saguaro cactus." he said pointing to the tall ones with the three or four arms reaching out and pointing up. I nodded. 

"Cool, I like those." I said. 

"These shorter guys with the big pads on them are prickly pears. While these ones are short they can get up to 8 feet tall." he said happily. I nodded allowing him to continue on. 

"The golden prickly pear doesn't have too many spines." He said walking along, then pointing at one with bright pink flowers. 

"There thats one, see how the spines are only on the edges?" he asked. I nodded, 

"Yea I like that one too." I said smiling. We walked along, me letting him teach me about things. He began telling me stories about his life as a kid.

"When I was little your grandpa used to bring me here to hike. One time he sat on a prickly pear and I peed myself laughing" He said grinning. 

"I didn't know you were from here." I said giggling with him, I honestly didn't know much about him at all. 

"Oh yes, I went to Apadia high school, I went to the University of Arizona. I only moved around once I was done school. I hated New York." He finished. I nodded. 

"So did I. I'm glad you aren't there anymore." I said smiling. He lowered his head. 

"I hated Vancouver too. So wet, but I would have stayed for your mom." Then he continued walking. 

"I'm sorry I never got to know you when I was younger." I called after him, he stopped. Then turned.

"Olivia, you were a baby, there wasn't much you could have done. I should have stayed even though your mom and I didn't work." He hugged me. I hugged him back.

"I love you Olivia." He said into my hair. I hugged him tighter. 

"I love you to Dad." I replied. After a minute we broke apart and he lead me further up the trail. When we reached the end we sat down under the ramada providing us shade and sipped our water. I handed Tim a granola bar and we munched for a few minutes then headed back. The sun was starting to go down. This had really worked. I hadn't let my mind wander to Liam too much during our afternoon. We continued chatting as we walked. 

"Was Liam a gentleman?" Tim said, I was confused. Gentleman? gentleman when? Liam was always a gentleman. 

"I'm confused?" I asked him, needing clarification. 

"When he made love to you?" He asked, not meeting my eyes. Oh My God! what, I wasn't ready for this conversation. I was definitely not ready. I stared at my feet as I walked. Horrified. 

"It's ok Olivia, I know what was going on. I just want to make sure that your ok." He said, continuing the same pace. I took a deep shaky breath. 

"Yea dad, he was good to me." I said, not sure what else he wanted to know. He simply nodded. 

"Good, I'm glad." He said still not looking at me. An awkward silence ensued. Neither of us talking. So my dad officially knew that I wasn't a virgin anymore. How did he know what was going on? We had only done it once at our house and he hadn't been home. But I guess I had slept at Liam's a few times and we had stayed in the hotel room. 

"How'd you know?" I asked him, curiosity getting the best of me. 

"Your adults and he's a thirty year old man. I was sure he'd be patient but it's not like it wasn't going to happen." He said simply. I nodded. Just as I looked back at my feet a snake slithered across the path in front of me. I panicked and jumped.

"Ahhhh!" flying backwards away from it. I tripped over a stone and felt myself fall. I put my arms down behind me trying to brace my fall. Sharp pains shot through my hands and up into my arms. I cried out. 

"Ouch!" Tim ran to me. 

"Olivia. don't move!" He was reaching for his phone. I couldn't move if I wanted too the pain was too intense. He called on his phone and twenty minutes later an EMT was loading me onto a stretcher. They rolled me onto my stomach and wheeled me to their ambulance. Tim met me at the hospital a look of concern on his face when he walked into the room where I was sitting bent over. A nurse patiently plucking cactus prickles from my left arm. 

"Oh my god, Olivia are you ok?" He asked me worriedly. I nodded. Honestly, they had given me a lot of freezing and some gas when I got to the hospital. I couldn't feel anything. 

"I is good." I said, trying to speak legibly but it was not working. I heard the nurse chuckle. 

"She's a little sedated so that she doesn't feel me removing these. But she will be ok. We are waiting for X-rays to make sure that her arms don't have any breaks." She said motioning to a chair so that Tim could sit. He did and he put his head between his hands. 

"Dad, don worrryyyy. I fine." I spat out. Then I laughed because I knew I sounded stupid. 

"I jus soundd ike a duummmmyyy." I laughed and then laughed again. He looked up. Not smiling

"Olivia, this is my fault. You're hurt because I took you hiking." He said sadly. I shook my head, this isn't his fault. I get hurt all the time. 

"I hurt cuz I a dork." I said laughing again. The nurse behind me chuckled too. Just then the doctor walked in. He placed an X-ray on the board and turned on the light. He scanned in then turned to Tim and I.

"We have to cast her left arm. She has a break in the wrist." He said. 

"It's going to be about 6 weeks in a cast. But it will heal fine." He said to Tim. Tim hung his head lower. Three hours later I was less high and more coherent and Tim was loading me into his car. 

"Dad, this isn't your fault." I said, trying again to make him feel better. 

"I've done stuff like this so much. It's ridiculous." I said, touching him on the arm. Hoping that he would feel better about it. He still didn't talk. When we got home I could feel the pain in my wrist starting to ache. I went upstairs and popped some pain killers where he wouldn't see me then came back down to fix dinner. 

"I ordered Pizza." He said as I began rifling through the freezer. I nodded. 

"Thats great dad, that will hit the spot." I said, sitting on the couch opposite him. 

"Are you ok?" He asked me sadly. I nodded.

"Yes! I'm good. I'll heal up fine." I said, pleading with the heavens to convince him that I truly was. 

     But that night after Tim and I had said goodnight to each other I laid down in my bed.  Closing my eyes I saw Liam and Joe walking away from me, and I cried again.  I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.  When I couldn’t cry anymore I silently prayed for their safety and I let myself realize that this blurry life I was now experiencing was how life would be from now on but if I truly loved him and I knew that I did.  I would handle this in style. I would live life here while he worked there and when he came home I vowed that I would cherish every single moment with him. I hurt, but the hurt was in my heart.