Devotion

1

Friday

It almost felt like I was dreaming as I walked out into the pouring rain. Steam rising off the hot pavement gave Main Street an eerie look. Everything looked dull and lifeless. Or maybe it was just me. Without James, I felt dull and lifeless. I willingly lost myself in him. And what was left of me now? An empty shell? I wiped under my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was rain or tears on my cheeks.

This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. I ran my thumb across the spot where my engagement ring once sat. How is this happening? I tried to feel the rain on my shoulders. I tried to focus on anything but the ache in my chest. This definitely wasn't a dream. If anything, my reality was a nightmare.

I knew better than to put my self-worth into someone else's hands. Hadn't I learned anything from my relationship with Austin? I was so naive back then. I stopped outside the restaurant of our last date. That awful double date that Melissa had forced me to go on. It was the same night that James and I had shared our first kiss. I had called James, wanting to tempt him, knowing he'd come to make sure I was okay. He was trying to stay away from me, but I wouldn't let him. I wasn't just naive, I was immature and awful. He could still be here teaching if not for me. He could be happy.

Maybe James was right when he called me greedy. I wasn't in the sense of financial gain. I didn't care about his money. But I was greedy when it came to him. I liked monopolizing his time. I liked when his eyes were on me and me alone. Maybe he had me pegged exactly right. I was greedy. Had that bothered him? Me wanting him and needing him? I thought we were happy. But maybe I had been suffocating him the whole time.

I looked down the street at the coffee shop. I thought seeing it would be comforting, but it had the opposite effect. It made me think of how our whole relationship had started on lies. Lies about my age and lies about his past. He didn't trust me then, and he didn't trust me now. His words cut through my thoughts like a knife. You're not my problem anymore. That's what I was, a problem. Something to take care of. An annoyance.

His words made it seem like he put up with me for the benefit of getting my body in return. To do whatever he wanted with. That's all it ever had been. There was no other reason why he pursued in me in school. I wasn't a good speaker. He couldn't have been attracted to me because of what I said in class. So was that it? Just physical attraction? I touched the center of my chest. It was more than that to me. How could I have been so blind? I pressed harder on the center of my chest. There was an ache there that didn't seem to want to fade.

I sat down on the curb outside of the restaurant. There was a huge puddle, but it didn't matter, I was already soaked. This really was just like that night we had shared our first kiss. I was depressed and it was pouring. But there was one main difference. That night, James was there when I needed him. Why wasn't he here now? I still needed him.

Stop torturing yourself. I pulled out my phone. There were still no calls or texts from him. He wanted me to leave. He told me he never wanted to see me again. But all I wanted to do was run back to him. I wanted to stay and fight for him. I couldn't go back to New York if he didn't want to be with me, though. I couldn't bear to run into him if he was going to look at me with hate instead of love. So why did I come here? To walk around feeling his presence? His ghosts were everywhere. Being here was like torturing myself. I knew the answer, and it was a pathetic one. Because I knew my life was nothing without him. I needed something to hold onto. A little piece of him. This was the best I could do.

This time I knew that I was wiping away tears. I thought I had grown. I thought the two of us had grown together. But I was so wrong. I was still naive. I was still pathetic. I was still immature. I so badly tried to act like I had my s**t together. I wanted James to take me seriously. But the truth was, he never had. He never cared enough to. He never really saw me. I was an object. And now he had cast me aside. It felt like the past few years had meant nothing to him and everything to me.

Fuck this. I searched my phone for flights that were leaving soon. I didn't have my passport. And I barely had any money. I couldn't afford to blow it all on a flight. But I needed to get out of here. I needed to leave before I lost myself to grief. I was stronger than this. Wandering around chasing memories wasn't going to help me. And the only person that could help me was myself.

I clicked on the cheapest flight that was leaving this afternoon. A one way ticket to Chicago cost $103. I didn't know a thing about Chicago and I didn't know anyone who lived there. It made me think about our decision to leave Newark. Would things have been different if we had moved to a place that we were both unfamiliar with? Away from Isabella and Rachel and every toxic thing in the city? I thought agreeing to go New York would make him happy.