Devotion

11

Friday

I listened to the sound of his heart beating. It felt like he wanted to talk. I was just going to wait until he did.

Several minutes later, he kissed the top of my head. "I think we need to talk."

I ran my index finger through the outlines of his six pack. "I think maybe I just need to listen."

He interlaced his fingers with mine and gently kissed my wrist. "Okay." He ran his other hand down my back, stopping right above my ass. "I don't even know where to start."

I didn't say anything. I just wanted him to tell me whatever he needed to tell me.

He sighed. "I'm always happy when we're together. But sometimes when we're apart I feel...guilty. I don't know if that's exactly the right word. It just feels like I cheated fate. I was your professor. There's responsibilities that come with that. I was supposed to protect you. I was supposed to guide you. I wasn't supposed to sleep with you. I feel bad about that. I didn't act like your professor, I was thinking with my heart and my d**k instead of my head. I crossed a line. And it feels like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy when I broke the rules. That guilt eats at me. You deserved better than that. I should have never put you in that position."

I kissed his chest. "I didn't know you still felt bad about that. James, that was just as much my fault as yours. I pushed you. I wanted you to..."

"No. I was in the position of authority. That was on me."

"Still." I splayed my hand against his chest and lifted my head so I could look at him. "Okay, maybe you didn't protect me the way you should have as my professor. But you've done nothing but protect me since then. I think you've more than made up for it. Maybe you could start to try and let that guilt go?"

"But what if by doing all that, I ruined your life."

"You didn't."

"What if you were supposed to end up with Tyler?" The agony in his voice was almost palpable. "I worry that you'll be taken away from me like every other good thing I've ever had in my life. I don't deserve you, Penny. What if we were never supposed to happen?"

"I was never supposed to end up with Tyler. It's always been you. I wouldn't be happy with anyone else. I promise."

He grabbed my hand and kissed my wrist again. "I don't know how to let that go."

"Maybe it'll be easier once we're married. Once you hear my vows. Maybe then?"

"Are you sure that's what you really want? Penny, if I'm addicted to you..." he let his voice trail off. "I don't want to ruin your life. I can't let you."

"The only way you could ruin my life is by not being a part of it."

He moved his fingers up my back and ran them through my hair. "It's scary. I know you don't see my being an addict as a problem because I seem to have it under control. But that's the thing, it's all about control. It hit a nerve hearing you talk about the notes Isabella left you. She always made me feel worthless. She made my problems worse than they were. I learned to doubt myself. It reminded me about how easily my control can shatter. But even if I am addicted to you, I still love you. I'm sorry about what I said. Of course I love you. I'm just worried that it's more complicated than that."

"I don't believe that you're sick, James. I think you're perfect. A little self-deprecating, but perfect."

He gave me a small smile.

"And I'm pretty sure we've proved that we're good at complicated. Our relationship was built on complicated." I kissed his chest.

"What happens if I lose control again?"

"Then I'll be there to help you get it back."

"But what kind of life is that?"

"The one that I want," I said.

"You're terrible at making decisions that are good for you. You realize that, right?"

"Luckily I have someone to take care of me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry about what I said during our fight. You're not a problem. I know you could take care of yourself. I was just upset. I didn't mean anything I said. None of it. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. "I forgive you." I waited a second. "Do you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive. All of it was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't put so much weight on your shoulders. You can't take responsibility for your ex-wife's decisions."

"I didn't know she was sending you stuff. I wish you had told me. I don't want you to ever feel like you're alone. I'm sorry you had to go through all that on your own."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I know I should have. I think I thought that it would just go away if I ignored it."

He ran his fingers through my hair.

"Rob told me about what really happened between you and Rachel. I don't understand why you didn't tell me the truth about how you two ended."

"I didn't meant to lie, it's just easier for me if I remember it the way I told you. Her cutting me off...it nearly killed me. And when I found out it was because my parents paid her to stop seeing me? It made all those old feelings come up, which is probably why I jumped to conclusions about what you had done. It's something I'm sensitive about. I was raised to be suspicious of people's motivations to be close to me."

"I wish you had talked to me about it."

"I'm sorry. I should have. I just didn't want you to think that there was anything to worry about. I didn't want you to be jealous of something that didn't matter."

I looked up at him and pursed my lips. "Jealous? I'm never jealous."

"Mhm." He raised his left eyebrow.

I laughed. "So...there's nothing to be jealous of? You don't have feelings for her anymore?"

"No. No, I don't have feelings for Rachel. That was a long time ago. I think I liked her more for what she represented than who she really was. I built her up as a symbol for what my life could be without following my parents' wishes and dreams. I was young and naive and...stupidly opportunistic."

"But you loved her once."

"Maybe. It wasn't anything like this though." He kissed the top of my head.

"I'm sorry that your parents did what they did. I'm sorry that happened to you."

"I'm not." He let go of my hand and touched the side of my face. "If that didn't happen, I might not be here with you right now. I wouldn't change a thing."