I'm So Lonely

A New Friend

Azula screamed in her sleep. I woke to the pitiful noise of her pleading. Rolling over, I saw her face contorted in rage: her lips pulled back, her brows furrowed, her nose wrinkled. She thrashed in the t****l of the nightmare, screaming gibberish. Then, without warning her snarl crumpled, leaving such an expression of grief. 

“Zuzu, I’m not dead!” She whimpered. “Come back, please.” Two tears rolled down her sun tanned cheeks, sobs wracking her sleeping body. “Don’t leave me!” She cried, sitting straight up in bed, reaching for her invisible brother. 

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to comfort her, but I wasn’t sure if she’d hurt me if I did. So, I reached forward and rubbed her back. I started talking to her, though I doubted she could hear me. 

“Hey, calm down Azula, it's only a nightmare. I’m here, Zuko’s back in the Fire Nation, but I’m sure if he only knew you were alive, he’d come and get you right away.” I murmured. I kept saying things, hoping to pull her out of the dream. It seemed hours before she woke herself, screaming so loudly at her dream brother that she startled herself awake. 

Her hair was plastered to her face, her chest heaved as she sought to catch her breath. She was beautiful in the moonlight that streamed through the window on the opposite wall. It illuminated her, softened her features, and made her golden, amber eyes almost glow. 

I rubbed her back again. “Azula, you had a nightmare.” I said. She turned to me and I felt her tremble.

“I know.” She whispered, letting her head fall forward as she took a shaky breath. “I know.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked gently. It wasn’t my place to ask, and I doubted she trusted me enough to say anything, but it felt right to ask.

“No, I’ll be fine. Sorry for waking you.” She rubbed her eyes, wiping her tears away. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t mind, but I didn’t. I lay next to her again and she turned her back to me. She was still trembling. I reached out my hand and pulled her to me. She made a squeak of protest, but when she felt me behind her, she melted.

She sighed in relief and rolled over, burying her face in my chest. This poor girl. I felt her silent tears soaking through my shirt, but I didn’t care. So what if I had a girl back home? Azula needed me to save her like she saved me. Ty Lee would forgive me, she would understand why I had to comfort her old friend. I only wish she could know. Stroking Azula’s hair, I wondered what she had done to make Ty Lee so sad. I couldn’t see how this broken, former bender princess, had been such a force to be reckoned with. She seemed so small, hiding in my arms, afraid of her own mind. 

“When Aang figures out i’m missing, he’ll come search for me.” I said, softly into Azula’s hair. “And he, with Zuko’s help, will find me. When he does, he’ll find you too and you can get off this island and see your friends again.”

Over the next few weeks, Azula and I seemed to bond over everything. She was so calm and peaceful, I couldn't see how she had been the bane of the whole world before going insane. There were days when I could see the little bits of insanity behind her eyes or just beyond the words she spoke. She had this way of getting angry at nothing, like little things she failed doing and it showed me exactly where she was in her healing. She was healed mostly physically and emotionally, but she still held herself to impossibly high standards and hated herself when she failed at anything-even if it was just spilling the water in her cup.

 I took over house repairs, which weren't too bad, she could take care of most everything by herself, but the heavy lifting parts of repairing the sticky door and clearing the path down to the beach were things I gladly helped with. She talked to herself a lot, but slowly, after a few days actually, she began talking to me instead. She would ask my opinion about completely random things, like how I felt about Chi Blocking or asking after the affairs of state in her homeland. I answered most of them as best I could, but I was anything except a manager of state so I did my best. 

Every night we shared her small bed and slowly I grew used to the feel of her restless sleeping. After that first night, she would jump right into bed and cuddle close to me. I enjoyed that more than I liked. Holding her felt so good, so unbelievably right that it was hard to imagine what holding Ty Lee felt like anymore. I could still remember why I liked her, but Azula was so different, so tender and new, that I didn't quite know what to make of it. Ty Lee would understand my confusion and she'd probably help walk me through it, but I really missed Iroh's advice. He would definitely have known what to do about it. 

It surprised me that she didn't bathe often, she often swam in the pool in the center of the island and in the ocean, but Azula hadn't actually scrubbed herself down since I'd gotten there. The island was small, there wasn't much room for privacy. I knew when she would leave to use the bathroom, I even knew exactly when her monthly started (that was horrible, I don't know how Ty Lee never said anything to me about it at all). But when I brought it up, Azula simply blushed. 

"I mean, I'm just trying to follow your schedule, but if you aren't going to, I need too," I ruffled my hair. "I'm starting to smell." 

"I was embarrassed, sorry." Her blush reached her ears. "I'm not sure how to navigate that situation, so I didn't say anything." She looked down, ashamed of her weakness. 

"Azula," I reprimanded gently. "It’s not something you need to fear, I just wish you had told me you were anxious about it, I could have helped." She raised an eyebrow. 

"Helped me bathe?" She smiled, laughing a little. "Boundaries, Raki, boundaries. But we could do that today, it’s warm enough." 

After walking back to the spring we had used for swimming on especially hot days, she dropped the sack of soap she'd collected from the latest deliveries and started to pull off her robe, then stopped. 

"Can you turn away? Once I'm in the water it should be fine if you want to join." Woah, wait. I turned away, completely flabbergasted. I mean we really had ditched the idea of personal space and privacy a long time ago, but being naked in a pool together? That seemed a bit much. 

Maybe she really was trying to get me to make love to her or something.

I heard a splash as she jumped into the pool. "I'm covered." She told me, I turned and saw her standing in the water, with her arms crossed over her breasts, hiding them from my view. She turned around and walked away from me, obviously offering me a little privacy for undressing. I did as she silently commanded and shed my clothes. When I jumped in, she turned, not jumping at all at the now familiar sight of my bare chest. She walked to the edge and grabbed the soap and handed me a bar. 

We washed in silence. I think she was too scared of offending me to say anything, or maybe she was embarrassed to have suggested bathing together. I honestly couldn't keep my eyes off her, I tried at first, thinking of how Ty Lee would definitely hit me hard in painful places if she knew what was running through my head, but man, Azula was beautiful. I only saw her tanned shoulders and wet dark hair and all the blood in my brain rushed south. She wouldn't notice, hopefully. She did notice my staring and flipped her hair at me, which was about as flirtatious as she got. 

"Can you get the back of my shoulders?" She asked, breaking the silence. "I just can't reach." I died inside, but I approached and rubbed the soap into her gorgeous skin, flecked with small acne scars I guessed, but still beautiful. She was so close to me, I could feel her unconscious bending heating the water around her and the warmth only made her feel closer. 

What was I thinking! I stumbled back so she could rinse, but all of a sudden, I slipped on a stone under the water and fell backwards, splashing to keep afloat. She ran to my aid, grabbing my arm and pulling to steady me. 

We were pressed so close together I felt all of her. All of her curves and soft edges, everything. I knew, from the blush that painted her cheek, that she felt all of me too. Yet, we stood, bound by the moment and the feel of the other's skin, and neither of us wanted to pull away.