The Return of the Luna Duchess

02 Woes and Regrets

I open my eyes and there is darkness as far as the eye can see. It was so dark, that I'm not sure if I already had opened my eyes or if they were still closed.

But the issue of the eerie darkness surrounding me is of little consequence compared to the reality of what I'm going to be facing now...or soon.

Especially when memories of what happened filter into my head.

At first, the fragments and pieces of memories started in small trickles from the dark corners of my mind, as dark as the place I am in. Then, the trickles became a drizzle, next, a sprinkle, and lastly, they come in like gushing waves from a newly opened dam.

Ah, yes. So that's what happened.

I died.

That tramp, Olga Jameston poisoned me with, apparently, the help and the 'go signal' from my Father.

Why am I not surprised?

Though, I am not sure what she meant about me being free from Father's clutches all along ever since I got married to the Duke of von Hansen.

I...honestly don't know what to make of it or if I truly believe it. At least not right now. I'll shelve that thought for later.

Anyway, getting upset and regretful over it(again, I'm not sure what Olga said to me was true or she was just playing tricks on me while I was dying) is useless now.

Because I died. I'm dead now.

Everything was said and done and there's no other way for me to go back and undo then redo all the things I did.

How and why am I in this darkness, I don't know.

Maybe it's just a lobby for souls like mine to wait until we get our turn to get judged whether we go upstairs or get kicked downstairs.

I don't know where the other souls are but, I think it's only me and the darkness here so far.

My verdict? Well, with all the things I did back when I was alive, I think I just secured myself a one-way ticket to Hell.

I guess that...this is something I deserved.

However, I don't care much about what will happen to me. As long as I know that...

I press my lips together firmly and clench my fists.

I know that it's hypocritical of me to say that I all want to achieve after my death is hope for my family to be safe from my Father. But that's what and how I really feel.

My husband is untouchable, even by a mere noble with a very low status like my Father, and my sons are already old enough to fend for themselves. Thanks to that, I feel more than a little secure that my Father won't be doing anything to them.

As long as he can't do any harm to them, I can handle anything that will come my way here in the afterlife.

Speaking of which, I guess I can now think about what Olga said. Especially when I had my thoughts about my death and my destiny all in order, safely categorized and stowed in pretty, labeled boxes inside my head.

Thanks to that much-needed clarity, I think I can safely think about it now.

As per what that tramp told me, my Father was lying to me.

I don't think that Olga has any other reason to lie to me about revealing a big secret like that.

And it's not because I trust her, it's more because I know her. I was already dying and I already knew what type of woman she is.

Therefore, I can figure out whether she was lying to me or not, just like how I knew she pretended to play the victim.

I am confident she told me that secret because she wants me to agonize over the fact that I was already free and I can never celebrate it because I'm dead.

That I was cowering in the corner because a mere shadow was scaring me.

Even though that shadow was in a form of one threat he gave me before I left our house to reside in the Duchy.

Despite it happening years ago and especially now that I'm dead, I can still somehow remember Father's last words on the day of my departure towards the Duchy of von Hansen like it was just yesterday. Like I was still living and breathing back on the world I never got to explore and appreciate, Xiellieum.

'Watch what you say and do while you're there, daughter,' I recalled him spitting the last word like it was a curse. 'Know that I will be watching and you better believe that I will KNOW if and when you try to tattle to the Duke.'

I also remembered how he casually reached for the whip beside him on the overstuffed chair that Mom used to love.

And I remembered...trying so hard to hide my wince from him.

After years and years of experiencing such torment and torture under my Father's hands, especially when he uses that whip on me to punish me whenever he felt like it, those words and that threat he made were more than enough for me to keep an eye out and watch my back while I was in the duchy.

Was it...really true that he was just fibbing and that I was already free without even knowing?

The notion that my Father was actually bluffing about him keeping an eye on me while I was married to the Duke might not be impossible after all.

Searching through my memories, I pick up tiny clues and pieces that made me realize that there is some truth in the tramp's words.

Now that I think about it, the letters Father has been sending me whenever he asks for money might already have been an indication that Father was indeed heading towards destitution, among other things.

The quality of the paper he's using deteriorated with each year that passed by. I also noticed he wasn't using our family stationery and he was not affixing the family seal on any of his letters anymore.

I thought it was just because he was in a rush to ask for money from me thanks to spending every dime I sent him through gambling and whatever other vices he had.

It never occurred to me that he was becoming impoverished.

If that was the case, then...I...really might have wasted all those years pretending to be the detestable Duchess for nothing.

Why was I pretending in the first place?

Well, in order to protect those who are precious to me, I had to be the detestable and the wretched Duchess. Because I thought that if Father had spies planted in the duchy, then my family will...

I swallow my emotions down. I just didn't want for him to use my family against me. I don't want to burden the Duke and I don't want my Father to taint any of my children.

Because of that, I hardened my heart and soul and followed my Father's example on what it takes to be the most despicable human being in the whole world.

And I succeeded.

In the end, I became the most wretched Duchess in the Luna Kingdom. My reputation is lower than rock bottom. My children hate me and my husband never cared for me.

It was all according to my plan.

I was confident that my Father was convinced that I never had any attachments, big and small, towards my family. Because of that, he'll never think about using them against me to do any more of his bidding.

And thankfully, he never did.

Having him use, abuse, and...ultimately kill Madeleine, my beloved dog who was a gift from Mom, was more than enough for me to know that he can possibly do that with people. Not just my beloved pets.

Thanks to him, I had to force myself to show my hatred and dislike for my husband and most especially, my sons.

So, my Father will leave them alone.

I just...didn't expect that their apathy and their loathing towards me can...hurt so bad. Even if those feelings make sense after all the things I did to them.

Thinking--and believing--that my Father has eyes and ears in the duchy, I never dared breathe a word or any of my worries to anyone there. Not my husband, not the staff, and most especially not my children.

It was me against the world.

And...that was my one regret.

I regret being the person I don't want to be because I was scared of my Father. I regret not speaking up and not trying to reach out.

I admit that I was a coward as much as someone brave enough to face the odds to protect the ones they love.

I just wish that...things were different and that I would have been given the chance to really express how much I love my family.

Now that I'm dead, though, I can never tell Keenan that holding him in my arms for the first time when he was born was the most precious moment that happened to me in my sad and pathetic life.

That whenever he runs to me to show me something he did or picked up while he was playing when he was but a toddler, it took everything I have not to scoop him into my arms and kiss him all over, all the while praising him for being such a curious, active, and thoughtful boy.

That I never got to guide him and see him grow into a handsome young man.

And Kieran...I regret not being a better mother to him since I treated him a little more harshly compared to how I treated Keenan. Especially since I was already getting used to my role as a despicable person back then.

I just wished to cherish my youngest more and interact with him more since I always avoid him whenever I can.

Maybe...if things were different, my youngest son wouldn't be such a stranger to me. I would have clearly recalled how he would look smiling, and how he sounded when he laughs or cries.

Not drawing a hazy blank in my mind like right now.

Last but not the least, my husband.

Although there was no love lost between us, since we were only together in the name of duty as husband and wife, Duke and Duchess, and begetting an heir for the von Hansen duchy, I cared for my husband still.

Despite my attitude and my conduct, he never lifted a hand against me like my Father. I can also tell that he is one kind and responsible man. The staff and the knights all look up to him like he's their sun and moon and their devotion to him is more than telling of what kind of person my husband really was.

With a sigh, I shake my head at the idle thoughts.

As mentioned before, there was no use for me to regret and be wistful about anything now.

I am dead. Everything is over for me.

I already said, done, and played my piece, therefore, there is nothing else I can do but to face the consequences of my decisions and actions.

If I am to be delegated to hell, even if my actions came from good intentions, then I will accept it.

As long as me being sent to hell secures the safety of my family, then I shall welcome it with open arms.

I just wish and hope my sentence in hell will be light enough to give me another chance and bestow upon me another shot at life.

And if that happens, I will make sure that I won't cower before anyone who abused me. Not anymore.

I will stand tall and fight for my right to live. I will battle my fears and trauma so I won't miss the precious moments I'll be having with my next family.

So...if there's a god out there listening to me in this darkness right now...

"Please," I suddenly find myself muttering in the darkness.

However, I don't care anymore. Somehow, wishing this little wish of mine at this moment in time feels so right.

"Keep my family safe and exact the punishment that I rightfully deserve," I continue, closing my eyes. "And...if it's not much, please heed my wish to have a loving and normal family life that I always wanted in my next life."

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I open my eyes and see something flicker from the corner of my eye.

Tilting my head in curiosity, I turn to see and confirm that something IS flickering in the distance to my right.

Is that a flickering light? Why is it here so suddenly? And did it appear because of my wish or was it just a coincidence?

Well, thinking about all those questions won't give me an answer. And since there's nothing else I can do in this darkness I am in right now, I guess it's not a bad idea for me to go check it out.

It only took a step towards the flickering light and I already found myself facing it. Not bothering to wonder how that happened, considering I'm supposed to be dead and all that, I focus my attention on the flickering light before me instead and my eyes widened at the sight.

"This is..."

"Indeed," a voice rumbles all around me.

I didn't get to ask where the voice was coming from and who even spoke to me because the flickering light before me explodes, dousing the darkness with light and forcing me to close my eyes from the brightness of it.

"Behold, Little One, the future..."