The Choice

The Beginning at the End

Everyday things get a little bit harder. The regret and guilt dig deeper into my soul and the hope of a better situation gets buried deeper beneath it all. I just wish I could see a way out. My name is Lillian Matthews and this is my story.

“Kids it’s time for school, everyone out the door in two minutes or you will miss the bus!” I yelled up the stairs to my three teenagers. As the sounds grunts and groans got louder I knew they were making their way down the stairs.

My youngest Lucas made it to the kitchen first. He is 15 and looks like the perfect combination of his father and I. He had my wavy brown hair that was messy but in that just tousled by the waves of the sea way with sun kissed skin and his fathers deep blue eyes. Since he made the football team this year had lost all the baby fat to reveal a strong jaw and more muscles than I really want on my 15 year old. It made him look fat too grown up.

“Morning mom.” He said through a yawn

“Morning sweetheart, are you ready for your geometry test?” I asked hoping not to start a fight. He was getting more and more moody as he grew older and I knew why but there was nothing I could do about it.

“Yes mom, now back off” he snapped. I just sighed and handed him his lunch as he walked out the door to head to the bus stop.

Next running down the steps was my oldest Jackson, named after his father who’s name is jack get it Jackson, but I digress, and practically his twin. He had a lean figure not skinny but no where near the muscles his younger brother has not that he cared. He had blonde hair that was straight and it always looked like he needed a haircut. He had the same mesmerizing green eyes that were the first thing That caught my attention on his father and one dimple on the left side of this face. His fair skin and glasses rounded out his look and fit so perfectly with his personality. With one shoe on carrying the other, arms full of books and papers and back pack sling over one arm he nearly tripped trying to race out the door he was working hard to secure a scholarship to college since there was no way he could afford it otherwise. He grabbed his lunch and yelled “bye mom love you” as he hopped out the door putting his other shoe on.

Last but certainly not least was my daughter, Leyla, she was my mini me but a better version. Her skin was always clear, mine never was a her age and her hair was thick and naturally curly but not frizzy. Mine is thin and gets very frizzy. She has a very cute figure and lightly tanned skin that compliments her blue eyes and makes them stand out. She just turned 16 and although she says she happy I can see the pain, sadness and grief that is always in her eyes. I worry about her the most she took it the hardest. “Bye mom, I love you, you’re the best!” She whispered in my ear as she grabbed her lunch and gave me a hug on her way to the bus.

This is how everyday starts exactly the same for the last year since their father passed. He was an amazing father and my best friend as well as the love of my life. Jack was a teacher and we loved a modest life he was the only income and money was always tight but we made it work so I would be at home with the kids to give them stability and so they knew someone was always there.

Over the years life had gotten harder as the kids got older and more expensive. Teenagers eat a lot! Shortly before Jack passed we tried to find a way to make things better but choices we made early in our marriage by taking out loans and not saving really dug us a hole that we couldn’t get out of. Then the unthinkable happened.

I remember that day better than any other day in my life. The morning was normal everyone hurrying out the door and as I am waving good bye to all the important people in my life none of us saw it. The bus it was going way too fast, no one knew then that the brakes would fail, and Leyla was looking back teasing Lucas about the crush he had on her best friend Amber when Jack out of nowhere grabbed Leyla and threw her out of the way just in time. My eyes were on Leyla and I ran out to make sure she was ok. As I reached her that’s when I saw it and my world ended. Jacks shoes, they were on the ground only he wasn’t in them. That’s when I knew, he was gone. I heard someone screaming and I kept thinking who was screaming and then I realized it was me.

That day changed everything. Now I worked in an office building in town as a janitor cleaning offices and bathrooms all day. I never finished college and had not worked it 18 years so that’s the only job I could get and the pay was half what we had before. The kids were shells of who they once were. We lost everything that day and it broke me to see the joy leave there eyes and never return.

So now my kids are on the bus, and that act in itself takes a piece of them each day but I can’t take them and pick them up and get to and from work. Now I am on my way to the office and I am just praying that things will get better.

The office is about a 25 minute drive and I am listening to the radio trying to forget my life for just a few minutes before I am accompanied by little more than my thoughts while I clean all day and then I see it the SUV going the wrong way on the one way street I am driving on he is speeding and as I realize there is no where for me to swerve the whole world stops.