The Choice

I’m back, but when

The sound of an alarm clock started blaring and as I reached over and hit the snooze I kept thinking how that dream I had was really strange. I stretched and groaned knowing I needed to wake up the kids and start getting ready for work. I opened my mouth and went to yell their names and then I realized I couldn’t remember their names. Was is Jason, Larry, Lindsay, wait no that’s not right. So I decided to just go k o I on each door and make an appointment for a cat scan and try some yoga since I either had a brain tumor or was overloaded with stress to forget my children’s names!

With my eyes still closed I threw off the covers and stretched again but something didn’t feel right. I felt… good. No sore muscles no headache like normal. I thought maybe something is going well. Then I opened my eyes and panicked. This isn’t my room. The walls are lavender the bed is a twin with a white and lavender chevron pattern comforter and wait this is my old room in my mother’s house. I must be losing it she sold this house after I moved out. Then the events of yesterday and the dream came flooding back and I began to hyperventilate. “Oh no, no, no, no” I just kept saying over and over. Then I ran to my bathroom and looked in the mirror and staring back at me was not my 40 something self but my much younger self I look at my body and think yeah that’s definitely not my current self everything is still perky and toned. This body has most definitely not had 3 kids!

I begin to talk to myself, “ok, I went back, ok before mom sold the house so if I got married at 21, it was before that ok, ok so I just need to figure out how mush before I really hope I’m at least 18!” Then the next loss hit me and I fell to the ground sobbing for my kids. I sat hugging my knees for what felt like an eternity trying to sooth the ache in my chest knowing they weren’t here and if I don’t make the right choices I may never have them. Then I heard a knock at the bathroom door and my mother’s voice, “jelly bean, are you ok? It’s graduation day, I know it’s scary but it’s exciting and I can’t wait for you to walk across that stage and get your diploma.” Graduation day I thought oh my gosh I’m 18 and graduating high school today! No!!!! It’s too far back! I didn’t think I made the wrong decision or missed these signs that far back! I can’t live with out them for that long! What am I going to do?!?

“I’m fine mom, I’m going to shower and then start getting ready.” I hollered through the door.

“Ok jelly bean if you need help with your cap and gown let me know and we need to leave no later than 10am so that’s about 2 hours.” Mom said back.

“No problem I will be ready. Thanks.”

I take a deep breath and turn the shower on thinking ok, I made the choice I’m here now, it’s time to kick some ass and get my family back even if the ass I’m kicking is my own.

2 hours later I’m standing in line amongst my fellow classmates that look far better than they did at the 15 year class reunion I went to and am just anxious to get this over with. One by one everyone gets there diploma then my name is called “Lillian Collins” thankfully I have a last name at the beginning of the alphabet. I cross the stage smile for the camera grab my diploma and go sit down. The day goes about how you would expect graduation day to go, cake, presents, congratulations and all the family elders discussing their hopes and dreams for me. If they only knew how things would go.

Once everyone had left I head up to my room to change and try to figure out where to go from here. That’s when it happened. I turn around after changing into my pajamas and the same woman that gave me the choice is there. I jumped, screamed and nearly wet myself! My mother hollered up the stairs to me, “ you ok jelly bean?”

“Yeah mom just saw a spider!” I hollered back. The woman gave me a sideways sneer and said, “ a spider really?!” To which I replied “ well did you want her coming up here to see what I was screaming about?” She just gave a half hearted chuckle and sat on my bed.

“Ok I’m back, I’m apparently 18 again didn’t know I was going that far back but here I am so now you answer some questions. Who are you? What are these signs? Why me?”

She looked at me with that same smirk she had before she sent me back and took a pause and began to explain. “There are things I can’t tell you because free agency is very important so I can’t tell you what the signs are I can only tell you that you need to listen to your heart and follow your intuition something that you lacked doing the first time around. As for who I am I am a guide and a helper you can call me Celeste. Now as for why you… that is something you will discover once you start on your true path.”

I stood there thinking about what she said and had asked, “ok Celeste how do I contact you if I need you?”

“Just say my name and if I can come I will if it is something you have to do on your own the. I won’t.” She said nonchalantly. “Oh by the way I can tell you that you have already made a different choice than before and are headed in the right direction. Good luck and I hope you find your way.” And just like that she snapped her fingers and was gone.

Great that was not as helpful as I would have liked but at least I know I made 1 right choice so far but what was it? Ok what did I do today than was different than the first time? I was pacing the room replaying the day in both timelines and then it hit me. Holy crap I didn’t go and meet that guy for that blind date that my best friend Angela set me up on. I had totally forgot about him. We went out once the night of graduation and it wasn’t a love connection so I never saw him again. How could that be a choice that would change anything? I sat back on my bed and looked for the remote to turn on my tv and as I’m tearing apart me bed looking for the lost remote I look under the bed and I see something shiny in the back corner. “What is that?” I say out loud to no one and I have to squeeze halfway under the bed for at best is a quarter at worst my lost retainer or a gun wrapper.

I grab ahold of the shiny mystery pull it and myself out from under the bed and realize it’s a key to a locker, like you see at a train station in movies there are letters and number printed on it- SS 234- huh maybe SS stands for Summerset Station. That’s is the train station 2 towns over. Why do I have this key I don’t remember ever being at the Summerset train station. Maybe mom or dad had and it got wrapped up in the laundry. They travel fairly often for work and have taken the train a handful of times. I guess I can ask mom in the morning. So I settle into bed and decide that since the remote is still lost I would try to get some rest and I drift off with the thoughts of my kids running through my head.