Ghosts that Watch Us

13

Forgetting about the letters and the phone messages was easy when he sometimes caught sight of Sean when the other wasn’t looking. It wasn’t hard to spy him among the crowds at Brown. Sean was obviously a red-blooded, corn-fed American with all his golden skin and bright teeth, and when he opened his mouth his deep accent cut across the way to where Ellory watched from behind a tree or pillar, watched Sean laugh and pat all his friends on the back. He’d probably knock Ellory right off his feet if he ever did that to him, the great clap of those big hands, the shoulder squeezes, the smiles.

It wasn’t like Ellory believed Sean was all that bad. There were moments when the man surprised Ellory with his kindness and generosity, witnessing him picking up books that toppled over in one student’s arms, or quickly patching up a student who had slipped and ended up with gravel embedded in her knee with an ease Ellory could only assume came from dealing with injured athletes on a daily basis.Moments like that felt like something out of a movie, but the illusion crumbled as soon as one was aware the other was around. A wall of ice sprang up between them, effectively cutting off any possibility for a breach in conversation, an attempt to break the tension that lived between them. 

Ellory was running late one afternoon he was set to give a midterm exam. Jumping in his car, he drove toward campus and slammed on his breaks when he saw Sean pulling in just ahead of him.

“Goddammit,” he muttered, already anticipating seeing his spot taken from him. But Sean pulled around the corner and drove over to the other side of the lot, leaving Ellory’s space completely clear. Momentarily stunned, Ellory pulled into his space and dove out of the car, bag and papers in hand.

“Yeah, you’re welcome!” Sean called from the other aisle. Ellory waved his hand dismissively and continued on. It wasn’t until after his students turned in their exams that he had a moment to sit at his desk and catch his breath, wondering suddenly why Sean had given up his chance to steal Ellory’s parking spot again.

 **

Three days before their trip to Mexico City, Ellory found himself out by the hill next to the lacrosse fields. It was a surprisingly warm day in March, despite the still frigid winds that burst between the buildings and whistled through the tall oaks. Classes were winding down for Spring Break, an entire week off for the students and faculty at the college. He wore a loose jacket and a checkered scarf, warm enough that the cutting breezes didn’t affect him too much. In the field below, only the lone figure of Sean was seen sitting at the benches, bent over a clipboard. Ellory didn’t know what had driven him to walk out here today, the sun shining over the eastern edge of campus. But he had a lull between his morning and afternoon classes and most of the mid-semester work was graded, thanks to Delia’s help. His office had started to close in on him and he hustled outside for a quick breather, the crisp air filling his lungs and waking him up.

The snow had only recently begun to melt, and the ground was a quagmire of mush and sludge and brown-black sleet. He should have been more careful, more vigilant of how close to the edge of the hill he was, how slick and unstable the soggy ground had become in the recent melt, because one second he was meandering along the top of the hill, eyes fixed on the distant figure of Sean, and the next second his foot was sliding out from under him and he was catapulting over the slope, tumbling head over heels, mud soaking into his clothing, smearing over his hair and face. The semi-frozen ground beat at his shoulders and knees as he tumbled, his hands scrambling for purchase, but there was nothing to grab. And above that, he practically choked on the heat and flame and boiling wave of embarrassment that washed over him, the cracking of his carefully constructed walls, rolling down that hill until finally settling in a dirty gasping heap on the lacrosse pitch, fully aware that the last person in the entire world he would ever have wanted to witness such a blunder, was the only one who had. 

And then he heard the laughter.