This is what you’re doing to me

day 2: suicide attempt

                                             Day 2: suicide attempt

21st February 2017

The pitch black, stillness of the dark, the cold bitterness of the breeze, as it rushes over me. “NO! Jake please” I cry, in utter fear. He doesn’t answer. I trail behind him, pleading as I go.

 He has stopped right in front of the wooden frame of the old, green, tin shed. stepping up onto the seat of an old wooden chair, he has placed, underneath the shed’s frame. 

By this point, my cries have become uncontrollable. I’m sobbing tears of horror. He doesn’t look at me, his eyes focusing on the Rope he is tying, to the wooden beam of the shed’s frame. Why? Just why? My mind repeats. Amongst all the fear and panic, there is confusion. Why is my beloved brother doing this?  What has caused him to resort to such measures? None of it makes any sense, especially to a young girl like me

 “Tayla” Jake calls, as he steps off the chair. Wrapping his arm around my left shoulder, he lightly leads me back towards the gate; that heads towards the house. “I love you bro” he sighs, as he wraps both of his arms around my small, fragile body. I’m fully embraced by his warm, force liked hug, as he has me crushed against his chest, tight. I don’t want him to let go, but he does. 

“Please, go inside” he whispers, tiredness, present in his voice. “No. I won’t let you do this” I cry, hysterically. I can’t allow him to do this. “GO INSIDE NOW! Before I have to bash you” he growls. I can tell, by the pain in his voice, he is broken.

 I turn towards the gate, walking as slow as possible, unable to move any faster. As my hand touches the gates latch, I give a small glance in his direction. He is standing up, on the chair. A choked out shriek escapes from my lips. “NO!” I scream, running towards his direction., as he slides the rope over his neck. "Pfft,, leave him, he won't do it" a voice jesters from the dark. It is oce. She sits on the swinging chair, just a few meters from the main gate. I stare at her with my wide green eyes, mortified. "It's called manipulation" she adds.

 I ignore her remark and continue on running. “NOO” I repeat. I’ve collapsed just in front of the chair, my head in my hands. Sobbing uncontrollably again. I feel the touch of his cold, ice like hand, as he grabs onto my arm, pulling me up from the ground. “I love you bro, always remember that” he whispers into my ear, as he embraces me a second time.

I stopped my brother from committing suicide that night. The fear of losing him pulsing through my veins. Even after it was over, I was terrified he’d do it when no one was there to stop him. Everything felt odd. I was confused. How could someone be so cold? to not even care that the person they love was willing to end it all in just a matter of minutes. “It’s ok, it’ll be ok. It'll always be ok” I told myself. And in my mind I truly believed it.