The Sins of the Father

The Heart is Exceedingly Wicked 2

Entering into the cathedral felt like I was sealing my own death warrant. The idea coupled with the dark uninviting building, with it life size "saints" decorating the entrance, made talking to this prick as appealing as eating molded bread.

My plan was to blackmail. I hadn't decided on the route to be taken in obtaining the prize. Just knew, that it would ultimately come in the form of a certain bastards head.

It was while looking at my watch that I realized I had been sitting in this confessional booth for an hour.

The sound of whooshing and the door clicking shut along with the squeak of the bench made me to know I wasn't along anymore.

"Father is that you?" I stilled my heavy breathing to zero in on any response.

"Yes, it is my child, what may I do for you?" Scraping sounds could be heard coming from him clearing his throat.

"Well father, I have not only sinned against my body but also against g-." I couldn't finish my sentence. A knot had begun forming in my throat. The blockage making it difficult to breathe and speak. Those shards of glass had begun to melt at the opening of those wounds. Saying it aloud versus keeping those words in the mental stage, caused me to unexpectedly crack.

He used me.

"He used me. He used me then threw..." It was so hard to speak the ball had expanded to the middle of my chest. "Threw me away...Me away, like a traumatic forgotten memory. This whole time I thought he had some type of affection for me. Felt something. Anything for me. He deceived me. He told me he cared. I-I believed him. The one sided pull of my lips to cheek camouflages for a moment the pain I'm in. "I guess I am made in the image of Eve after all. I'm not... Pure. He took something from me that I won't ever get back. You know , every morning I take a scalding shower. I hoped it would be enough punishment on myself and god would see it and give me back my virginity. No matter how many times I wash, or my skin bleeds raw," the ache in my chest is comforted by the warm palm of my hand. " I just can't get that piece of ingrained dirt off me. Its a part of me."

This wasn't going the way I had hoped and was mirroring that of crumbs of decomposing pain by the second. "Not only that the entire student body knows. I couldn't deny if I wanted to. Especially, with pictures circling around of my bloody panties. Kept secure in a jock's locker."

The side of my face had become tight and itchy from the evaporated liquid salt that had ran from two sunken sockets. My hand had become coated with dried up snot, since Kleenex was forgotten. He was so gentle, so consumed with pleasing me and not wanting to cause pain for my first time experience. Why?

Why exert that much energy for three months, just to humiliate the other party? That part stumped my reasoning over and over. I stopped trying to give him an excuse and just tried to piece the puzzle together with reality.

He didn't love me.

Though a hard pill to swallow it was one I needed to digest and quickly. Its bitterness had already begun to speckle my heart. Filling me with so much malice it burned. Like a beautiful flame flickering in the air on a frost winters night. Ready to ignite anything that came in contact with its hot tendrils.

"I want revenge father." Just saying the words, was like eating the finest delectable chocolate ever created. Delicious revenge.

"Vengeance is mine, saith the lord I will repay. That is not your place. You are to forgive, repent and let god take care of the unjust." I could imagine his tongue slithering from his dark cavern.

I laughed. The broken and tired strings feeling foreign to my own ears. "How can you forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness? We can't out do god can we? He doesn't grant it unless a participant willingly asks. So, why should I do or be any different? Even you lead by example, right father?" Again, delectable, delicious revenge. So scrumptious it was, I began licking my lips from the taste of it. It was intoxicating. I caught myself swaying to its muted drums. This evil was now about to spew its venom on the the unseen priest and I was going to let it have full reign.

"The holy ghost overshadowed Mary. You overshadowing Ms. Morgan. Only difference is, she didn't get the glorious title of virgin and she bore a bastard. Everyone can't be made saints... Only martyrs. Is that what I am? Is this what happens to those that have some level of purity about them. They become martyrs?" While most of the guilty, are praised and worship like idols, put on a pedestal higher than god. We as humans are made to worship something, be it a vice or some unseen being. Pathetic but ingrained, seemingly in our DNA. To be pitiful creatures, that contain a thimble full of knowledge. That knowledge, no matter how innocent or small it may seem, makes those like Father here, very dangerous men. Didn't your god speak about having no other gods before him. Not engage in fornication and such like. Yet, you disobey his law and preach what you disobeyed, to the masses. Confusion really. Is it because in reality evil is more enticing than good? Or maybe you didn't really get forgiveness for those repetitive sins you enjoy executing. Just eases the conscious to believe you have. So in short you teach how to commit sin, then get away with it, just to do it again. What a wonder...fucking convenient...religion."

It had become so earth shattering quiet I thought he left the booth.

Until I heard a sniffle. "Nobody's perfect. I never claimed to be. Yes, I have made my sins and laid in them, enjoyed them even. That doesn't deflect the call that I have received from God and I will not abandon it."

" Already abandoned it would seem. So he called you as a sinner, to be even more of a sinner. To teach sinners how to be even greater trespassers. Am I correct in my assumptions or are they pure facts? No one sees words father, they see actions. Your actions just like your pretense of worship are despicable. And the dumb sheep will follow, because for most of us sheep, we enjoy sin. We just need an excuse to do it. You. You provide the justification for our secret pets. The feel, textures and convenience of it . The voice that it speaks to us in the darkest corners of our mind. No matter how clean we look to the world. Everyone has their flaws, even priests."You know, my uncle is a Cardinal, works right under the Pope. He sees him from time to time. He has had that position for a while now. Works in that beautiful Vatican City, last I heard. I would hate for him to be informed of these issues we are having in this small town of Oasis, Virginia.They keep up with the news. Especially,when it involves one of their own. Maybe, I can spin it to my favor, calling it r**e instead of consensual s*x. Biased judgement was issued out, due to the party involved being a "celibate" priest's bastard son. Even if he isn't your son, the media would still eat this story alive. So father, I am not god but I can be an intercessor."

I began to stand on legs that were trying to revive, from their ninety minutes worth of their immobility .Heading out the side door." Turning I finished. "Fix this or I will. Good day Father and thanks for listening. I feel lighter already."