Dirty Girl

Alone

Jordan let the Hawaiian breeze wrap around her as she stood on the balcony, listening to the rhythmic crash of waves against the sandy shore. The afternoon sun beamed onto the water, making it shimmer like a field of diamonds. It felt wonderful—and wrong—all at the same time to be here alone.

She couldn’t help but think of Caleb and his girlfriend, Rebekka. Oh, how they would love it here. She could picture them bouncing excitedly, throwing their things aside and bolting out the door, calling back, "We’re going to check out the beach! We’ll meet you for dinner!" They’d pause just long enough to ask if she wanted to come, and she’d smile, telling them to go ahead and have fun—she just wanted to relax for a few minutes.

But they weren’t here. For the first time since Caleb was born, Jordan was on vacation alone.

She remembered, almost exactly a year ago, sitting at the kitchen island with Caleb as he applied to colleges. The marble countertop was littered with brochures and application forms. He picked up a glossy pamphlet featuring a group of students playing football, their faces alight with joy. He unfolded it carefully, scanned the details, then handed it to her.

"Mom, this school has the best psychology program. This is the one."

She knew he was right, but the West Coast? It was so far from Thunder Bay. She wanted him to have the incredible experience of living in residence, studying something he was passionate about, but the thought of her baby being so far away made her heart ache.

Reading her mind, Caleb stood and stretched, his 6 foot frame towering over her. With a playful grin, he said, "I’ll always be your baby. No matter where I live."

She smiled, pride swelling in her chest. He was such a kind soul. Not a boy anymore—no, he was definitely a man. A man with a heart so tender, it was almost too much to bear.

"Okay," Jordan relented. "But you have to promise to call me every night."

"Once a week," Caleb teased. "And if I’m bored or need money, I’ll text."

Oh, how he loved to tease her. She was going to miss him dearly.

When September came and Caleb moved to B.C., the house felt profoundly empty. The days, once filled with cooking, cleaning, and the constant buzz of Caleb’s friends, became eerily silent. The hardest part, though, was the nights. No more midnight calls for a ride home. No more furious typing on the keyboard at 2 a.m. while yelling at his computer screen, "He’s in there! Don’t go in the basement!" No more tiptoeing down the hall at 4 a.m. to make sure everyone was safely tucked in.

A couple of months later, during her weekly lunch with Kaitlyn, they talked about adjusting to life as empty-nesters. Kaitlyn’s daughter, Jessica, had also left for school, but it was different. Kaitlyn had Jeff—wonderful, goofy, dependable Jeff. More than once, he had stepped in for Jordan, whether it was teaching Caleb how to fix things around the house or taking him to buy his first razor.

"Christmas will be great," Jordan said, trying to sound cheerful. "Caleb and Rebekka are coming home for almost two weeks. I planned a special dinner, got our skates sharpened for the marina, and we’re taking a day trip to Bentleyville to see the lights and do some shopping..." Her voice trailed off.

"You’re doing it again," Kaitlyn said gently.

Jordan sighed. "Sorry. I just miss him."

Kaitlyn reached across the table and squeezed her hands. "Oh, sweetie. You need to embrace this new chapter—Jordan’s Era!"

Jordan tilted her head. "Jordan’s Era?"

Kaitlyn chuckled. "Yes! Embrace the freedom. Your house is paid off, your graphic design business is thriving, and, might I add, you’re still as smoking hot as you were in your twenties—if not hotter. Plus, no more worrying about getting pregnant."

Jordan looked up at her after that last remark.

"Too soon?" Kaitlyn asked, wincing.

Jordan had undergone a hysterectomy a few months earlier as part of her treatment for endometriosis. She was healed and feeling better than ever, but the finality of never having another child still weighed on her.

"No, it’s fine. Who am I kidding? I wasn’t going to have any more kids anyway."

Her voice trailed off.

"Seriously," Kaitlyn pressed. "It’s time you focus on YOU."

"I wouldn’t even know where to begin."

"Take a vacation. Make it all about what you want to do."

Jordan hesitated. "I’ve always dreamed of going to Maui."

As soon as she said it, she wanted to take it back. What was she thinking? She couldn’t possibly go to Maui alone.

Kaitlyn, reading her mind, grinned. "Why not? You raised a kid on your own. Getting on a plane and staying at a luxury resort by yourself? That’s nothing."

"When would I even go? I have the Peterson account that’ll take all of January."

"February. It’s perfect. Go for Valentine’s Day."

Valentine’s Day had always meant painstakingly filling out dollar-store cards for Caleb’s classmates and finishing the night with heart-shaped pizza at Boston Pizza. The idea of spending it in Maui, alone, was... wild.

"Give me your phone," Kaitlyn demanded. Minutes later, the flight and resort were booked.

...

Now, standing on her third-floor balcony, Jordan watched couples stroll hand-in-hand along the beach below. Her stomach clenched. She glanced at the gold band still circling her left ring finger. It felt like a lie now. Why was she still wearing it? She had done her job raising her son. This was Jordan’s Era.

She slipped the ring off and immediately felt naked and vulnerable. Without thinking, she slid it back on. Maybe she’d revisit the idea...two minutes after they called her time of death.

She giggled at her morbid sense of humor and turned toward the bed. A vision flashed in her mind—her body wrapped in that plush duvet, a man’s hands trailing over her skin. The thought lingered just a moment too long.

Was she ready to open her heart again? Would a man even be interested in her?

The questions stayed with her as she slipped off her sundress and changed into a two-piece swimsuit. She studied her reflection in the full-length mirror. Her slim figure had held up well over the years. Strangers were often shocked when she mentioned having a 19-year-old.

"You can’t possibly be old enough!" they’d exclaim, almost offended, as if she were lying. She’d smile and chalk it up to her healthy lifestyle.

With that thought, Jordan slathered on sunscreen, donned a wide-brimmed hat, and tucked her key card into the waistband of her bikini bottoms. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of her room, letting the door click shut behind her.