As The World Goes Wild

Like an animal.

I woke up soaked in sweat, from the dream I just had. Not a nightmare, rather the reality I would have loved to live in. Where I could let go off myself, let the rope go that I had been holding so hard. The man in that unclear dream, was entrancing. If he appeared in front of me, I would still think of him as a daydream.

Sometimes I wondered, if a dream could be so pleasuring what would it be like to actually have it. As I will let myself get lost in his arms. What would it feel like when he rushed his lips against me, hard,with tongues clashing for domination. Arms trembling from all the craving and guilty joy. Chest crashing against each other in an ungentle yet passionate haste. Our longing increasing even when we touched each other as much as we could.

Will it be pleasurable, if the list of rules was thrown out of the window. If all we saw was each other. His fingers tracing down my cleavage stopping at my lower stomach. Increasing my desperation, and then to add to it even more, he would start again from the area between my collarbones. A pleasure skimming over me, that would leave me wanting, no needing for more. A pleasure like a tide, that would leave me, asking, rather needing for more.

What would it be like, if all I saw were the blurred lines between me and my monster. If all we spoke were profanities. If all I heard were moans. If all I touched was his skin. If all I tasted were his lips. If my fingers got lost in his hair, if my skin longed for him, if his heat met mine and if I scratched his back like an animal.

'Jensen, are you up yet?' Aria, my roommate called while knocking at the door of my bedroom. I flinched as the train of my hot thoughts was derailed. I was so engrossed, it took me a minute to reply and yet I stuttered.

'Ye-Yes.' I replied my voice thick from sleep and lust. I quickly grabbed the sheets to stop the trembling of my hands and to resist the strong need to touch myself.

'Just wanted to tell you I am leaving. Don't make a new breakfast we've got leftovers.' She yelled and I sighed.

'Sure.' As the silence followed I was sure she left. As I looked up at the clock, I was surprised. I had waken up quite early. I never had to leave until 9:30 AM. It was only, 7:30 AM. Not feeling the need to sleep, I scrambled out of the bed.

In shower, I was thinking. Thinking about, how so many people were holding back their desires, keeping wild animals on a leash. I didn't understand, why us? We weren't harming anybody or anything. We were only living, a life we wanted to live. Until, all of it came down.

If love doesn't see race, religion, richness then why gender? Was love disrupting the natural order. Even if they were doing it in the name of preservation of nature, was it still justified. Killing so many innocent souls, was it justified as a moral. The system wasn't unfair, it was evil. But I was not brave enough to stand up to myself.

After the system came up, there were many like me. Who retreated back into their room, deciding to never let anybody see the truth in us. We were waiting, that some day, we could hold hands in the streets. Practice our love, if nothing much, at least get what we deserved.

Then there were they, who didn't quiet down. They chose die in the pride parade m******e, than die in an isolating chamber. They, who openly accepted themselves, and fought. Not letting any government law bring them down. They died, but hey died honest. Unlike me who lived life that didn't even belong to him.

Finally, them, the extremes. 'Pink Howlers' was a gang that came up a few weeks after the law. They were a group of homosexuals that wanted to fight back, and make sure they were free. They went to extreme levels to do it, killing officials, burning government buildings and kidnapping important officers. Government was desperate to bring them down, but they were unable to get their hands on their leader. I wished they won, because their fight was my victory.

I shifted into the kitchen to feed myself, surfing through channels during the process. That was when that news came up. 'The leader of the Pink Howlers was captured last night. He has been taken to the Extinguishing Office and will be given the same choice as any other homosexual.'

Ironically, I worked at a place where I was supposed to kill the others like me. It was a shame, I was a shame. Sometimes I felt like what I done all the other nights, was my justice to myself. I was killing people who were just like me, only honest with themselves. Unlike me, who was wearing a tinted mask to save himself. A mask that was made from the flesh of others.

I might even have the chance to see him. I wanted to know, what bravery looked like, because I hadn't felt brave in a while. What would he look like, ruthlessness written on his face. Blood cascading down his hands, and rawness depicted on his skin. I wished this would all change that, I could be me. I could feel like me.

Was I a criminal? Everybody in the society are. Was I hiding? No, saving myself. Was I supposed to come out? No, I deserved living. Was he a criminal? No, only valiant.