Not Supposed to Feel This

Why Did I Do That??

My redemption.

I didn’t waste a second.

I grabbed my things and rushed out, not daring to look back after that… moment.

Like distance would fix it.

Like space would make it disappear.

It didn’t.

The hallway was crowded, loud, normal.

Too normal.

I spotted John—my “friend”—and walked straight to him, starting a conversation without thinking.

Anything to distract myself.

Anything to stop replaying it.

The way I didn’t move.

The way I didn’t pull away.

A few minutes later, I saw him.

Luca.

Walking toward us.

My notebook in his hand.

Right.

I must’ve left it behind when I rushed out.

Of course I did.

As he got closer, I straightened slightly, already opening my mouth.

“Thanks—"

“I don’t get why he acts like that so openly.”

Sabrina.

Of course.

Her voice cut through everything, loud and sharp, perfectly timed.

“It’s embarrassing… the way he’s ogling poor Ethan with those hungry gay eyes.”

The words landed hard.

Too fast.

Too public.

Too—

“Then don’t look at him.”

Silence.

Instant.

Heavy.

Like the entire hallway had paused just to hear that.

Everyone turned to me.

Sabrina frowned, clearly caught off guard.

And me?

I felt it immediately.

That shift.

That attention.

That mistake.

So I did what I always do.

I recovered.

“I’m just saying—it’s not that serious.”

Even as I said it, I knew.

Weak.

Unconvincing.

Not enough.

I muttered something under my breath—barely even a sentence—and walked off before anyone could respond.

Before anyone could ask questions.

Before he could say anything.

I didn’t realize Luca had followed me until—

“Ethan.”

I stopped.

Slowly.

Like I didn’t have a choice.

He caught up to me and held out my notebook.

Simple.

Casual.

Like nothing had happened.

Like I hadn’t just—

“Thanks,” I said quickly, taking it from him.

Our fingers didn’t touch this time.

I noticed.

He nodded once.

That same calm expression.

Then turned to leave.

And that should’ve been it.

It was it.

Until—

“Aren’t you going to ask anything?”

The words slipped out before I could stop them.

I frowned slightly, almost immediately regretting it.

Why did I say that?

He paused.

Just for a second.

Then turned back to look at me.

Really look at me.

“Didn’t think you’d defend me.”

That was it.

No smirk.

No teasing.

No attitude.

Just the truth.

Simple.

Direct.

And somehow—

That hit harder than anything else.

Then he walked away.

Just like that.

Leaving me standing there.

I didn’t move.

Couldn’t.

It felt like something had pinned me in place.

Like my body hadn’t caught up with everything that just happened.

“Why did I say that?”

The question came out quieter this time.

More real.

I don’t even like him.

I like girls.

So why did it bother me?

Why did any of it bother me?

The questions kept circling.

Louder.

More persistent.

Harder to ignore.

After a while, I forced myself to think logically.

To make sense of it.

To put it back into something familiar.

Something controlled.

It didn’t mean anything.

I just don’t like people talking like that.

That’s all.

It wasn’t about him.

…Right?

So why did it feel like it was?