Mr. Unpredictable CEO

Rules of Engagement on Dating Apps

They were by the swimming pool when the so-called Online Dating Orientation began. Mel prepared for her a notebook and a pen. Just in case she wanted to take notes, her friends said. The persistence of the troublesome three was undeniable. And if you can’t beat them, join them!

Regina still wasn't convinced. She knew it was all a waste of time. At the same time, she could see how excited her friends were, so she would let them be... for now.

"Before we begin, I’d like to introduce myself… I am Katerina Cornicopia from Taguig City!"

Like a true beauty queen, KC introduced herself excitedly. The other two gave her a round of applause, feeding off all the excitement.

"If you please, kindly introduce yourselves…"

She was now encouraging the other Muppets.

"Mabuhay! My name is Ivy, Poison Ivy from the beautiful city of Makati!"

From the ever so flamboyant Ayvs.

"Good evening! My name is Melissa Santos-Punzalan from Quezon City!"

Mel was in the game too.

They were looking at her, waiting for her introduction. But she did not oblige.

"Any who…"

The host was back.

"Welcome to your Online Dating Orientation. First, an introduction to the app."

She took her cell phone and opened the profile they created for her.

"This is your beautifully written profile by the awesome three. And these are your carefully selected gorgeous photos, also selected by the equally gorgeous three…"

Regina looked at her with a blank expression.

"Fast forward to--- other people’s profiles as you can see here… If you find someone you like, swipe right. If they're yikes, swipe left. Easy peasy!"

She must have looked bored, so KC tried to move the 'presentation' along.

"And now, we move on to tips and reminders…”

"One: Never swipe right to fake pictures, blank pictures, or empty profiles. They're probably ugly or cheating bastards or empty up here."

She pointed to the head.

"Two: Swipe left if their pictures only show their bodies. It doesn't matter if they have ten-pack abs. They’re more likely narcissistic a-holes!"

"Three: If you read, 'Looking for fun' or any mention of 'fun' in their profiles, red flag!"

"Anything to add co-hosts…"

And she turned to Mel and Ayvs.

"Four: If you match and they only send a “hi,” “hello” or hearts and kisses, unmatch biatch. No effort, no sugar!"

"Five: If they add a group picture with them and other women, especially if the women's faces are blurred or censored, automatically swipe left! That's probably an ex! Also, it sends an insight into their character, a bad one!"

"Six: If you have been matched for more than a week they haven't sent a message yet or you sent a message but it's taking them more than 24 hours to respond, unmatch! They're still busy dating and you're just a reserve."

Ayvs then turned to Mel…

"Seven: If at any point during your conversation, they send you a provocative picture, or ask you to send one of yourself, or persistently ask you for more pictures, automatic block!"

She said with her chin up.

"Woah, unforgiving! Love it!"

Ayvs exclaimed and offered his hand for a high five with KC.

"Eight: After matching and you've just started chatting, he asks to meet up already, automatic block again!"

The two gave her a round of applause.

"Nine: Never give your full real name until you're comfortable. And by the way, we changed your name to Rina, okay?"

She nodded.

"Ten: If for a first date, they asked you to a bar, block them!"

"Eleven: Even if they politely offer to drive you home, decline!"

"Twelve: Send us a screenshot of the profile, the meeting place, and the time. Send your location and open it to share for the entire duration of your date until you're home safely."

KC added.

"Thirteen: At least one of us will be close to your meeting place, especially on the first three dates."

"Fourteen: If the match doesn't send a message within 24 hours after your date, just block him!"

"Hey, a block too. Wait, I also need a block-worthy scenario."

Ayvs was thinking.

"Fifteen: If he is touchy-feels and you already gave him a first warning, throw a glass of cold water on his face and then block him!"

They burst out laughing, including Reg. She started to find all things amusing.

"Oh, one more thing! Be warned about the 'fall' guys. They're everywhere. They will sweet talk you and lead you on and it will all feel so sudden but real. It isn't."

It was a very important reminder from Ayvs. She wasn't sure if it was coming from his experience.

"And now…"

KC was really taking charge.

"We decide the duration of your subscription. I say we should make the effort for a year---"

"Nope," she protested.

"One month!"

"Biatch, 10 months."

This was Ayvs trying to negotiate with her.

Judging by the way Regina was shaking her head, it wasn't an acceptable offer.

"Three months," she said with a show of fingers.

"Six months! Deal!"

Mel declared and sealed it.

Reg made a face.

Don't worry, six months will fly by like it was nothing!

She convinced herself.

"And we convene, either in person or via group chat every week to track your progress. Also, after every date, to track their progress."

Another reminder from the main host.

"So now, we move to the most exciting part of our orientation… the hands-on experience!"

Jumping and dancing for joy, Ayvs' took the cell phone and handed it to the owner.

Regina read the profile they wrote for her. She actually liked how simple and straightforward the write-up was. It read...

Career-driven gal with a healthy sense of humor.

Not here to play games.

Here to find my person.

Next, she browsed through the profile photos they selected for her. The first one was a close-up picture of her smiling. The second was a picture of her in Australia. The third one was a wacky photo of her with them. The fourth picture was taken at the beach. She was wearing a white two-piece bikini. Her eyebrows were raised on this one but she kept scrolling.

The fifth was taken during her volunteer work at Habitat for Humanity. And the last was a stolen picture of her. She remembered how it was taken. She was walking ahead when KC called her from behind. She turned slightly and KC took the shot. There was an air of mystery in the photo. She actually liked this one. But Regina didn't say a word.

She opened the matches and messages section. There were a couple of messages from people her friends liked that night when she was fast asleep. She frowned.

Looking over the one-word and emoji messages, she quickly un-matched and deleted them. When she read something she didn't like, she un-matched in a heartbeat. She also looked at the matched profiles and unmatched without any hesitation. In the end, there were only two messages and three matches left.

The three were watching in awe. But they knew better than to say anything.

Regina moved on to the Settings section. She adjusted the age range from 21 to 50 to 30 to 40. She also made changes to the distance. She selected within a 12-kilometer radius only. When she was content with the adjustments she made, she locked her phone and put it away in her pocket.

"Let's get some snacks. You said too much, now I'm hungry," and she started walking.

The three just followed along. Perhaps they didn't have anything to worry about. It would seem like Regina was a fast learner. She knew what she was doing. Their only worry was she may be too strict in her selection. She may not end up with any dates at all within six months!