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My Biggest Regret part 1

My Biggest Regret

Volume 1

Takano Masamune

Chapter 1: My Love (1)

***

My first love? That’s a horrible story, in truth we should have never even started to date to begin with. The way it started and the two times it ended… Till this day it’s still my biggest regret…

It was something I didn’t want to think about or even remember…

However… upon one new year’s celebration that I should have probably never attended… it was a drunken night of games and fun that left me in utter shock the following morning… I made the biggest mistake in my life… I texted my first love, the man I’ve loved for years and the person I couldn’t forget about no matter how much I tried to. It had already been 9 years since we broke up…

I was the reason we broke up…

“Why did I have to do that!? Was I stupid or did the liquor make my brain malfunction?!” I yelled out in a panic as I stared down at my phone. Typically on the messaging app we are on, I could have deleted them if it hadn’t been 12 hours since then…

It was the first day of the new year and I ended up feeling like s**t…

“Hey, it’s whatever… like you just texted him some stuff, it’s not a big deal, right?” Bradley remarked as he glanced over at me with his typically careless attitude.

“It’s not whatever! Look at this long ass wall of text that I wrote, and I told him everything, even stuff I had no intention of ever saying… this is so pathetic, he’s going to read it and think I’m the most pitiful creature that stands on earth… I’m so embarrassed…” I said while laying onto the top of the table, my face plastered on it’s side and I stared off at the wall in the distance.

“Hm… I still think you’re overreacting, like what did you even text him that’s made you so… panicked?” Bradley asked as he grabbed my phone before I could even tell him. He held it in his hands and began reading out loud.

“Davis, I’ve always been in love with you, from the moment we met, I had the biggest crush on you. The moment we broke up was the most horrible thing that happened to me and I didn’t even want it to. I was in love with you so deeply and desperately that I was confused myself. But at that time I was having my own family issues that made me stand on edge. Nothing seemed to be going right in my life….” As Bradley read that long message out loud I felt like I wanted to crawl under the table and cry. Bradley paused with a meaningful look in his eyes. “Seriously… You’re incredibly good at texting although you were so piss drunk last night… is it because you’re a writer?”

“AGHHHHH! SHUT IT, IT’S EMBARASSING!” I cried out loud while laying onto the ground, my face pressed against the carpet. “We should actually wash this carpet soon… it’s filthy…” I said while sitting right back up and grabbing a pillow off the sofa and placing it on the ground, then proceeded to stuff my face right back in it.

“Haha… right… then this really is a lot… but I don’t really think it’s that bad and- OH! He’s saw it! He’s writing!” Bradley remarked as he stared at my phone. I quickly stood up and threw the phone out of his hands onto the distance. Thankfully it didn’t break as it fell onto the soft carpet, but even if it had broke I probably wouldn’t have cared due to the sheer embarrassment I was experiencing at the moment.

“Come onnn! At least check it out! He might say something interesting.” Bradley encouraged me but that made me feel worse.

“You know damn well that nothing is going to come out of this…” I told him straightforwardly.

“How so?” Bradley questioned as he came to sit next to me on the sofa.

“Because… he has a girlfriend and he’s been with her for a long time…” I explained, it was that simple. After we broke up he had found someone else and they’ve been together since graduation, that’s a lot of years honestly.

“What if they broke up? You couldn’t possibly know if they’re together still?” Bradley suggested but that couldn’t be the case, could it? I didn’t want to pointlessly get my hopes up, after all…

“Even if it turns out he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Is it right of me to pursue him again? And even if we were together, then nothing would have changed still, because neither of us have changed. It’s all going to end up the same way it always did… in heartbreak…” I explained, although it pained me to even think about it, it was the truth.

Bradley came over to me and slapped me across the face with a vigorous motion. “You can’t think so pessimistically! Text him! Or at least see what he’s responded.” He said with a loud voice that made me shudder.

I stared back at him. “You hit like a girl.” I told him through laughter.

“I wouldn’t ever hit you seriously…” Bradley sighed heavily, it was the truth, my cheek didn’t hurt at all. It felt more like he had caressed it rather than slapped it.

“I’ll look at the messages but just that… I won’t respond, alright?” I warned Bradley as I stood up and headed towards my phone still on the ground. I pocked it up and on the screen was written something unexpected…

“What does it say? Don’t leave me waiting in anticipation!” Bradley insisted as he stepped closer to me and peaked over my shoulder, he read the message out loud. “Let’s meet up today to talk about it all…”

“Whoah… he wants to meet you!” Bradley explained, truly he was acting like such a girl in this situation.

“Yeah but do I want to meet him? This isn’t good… we couldn’t possibly… there’s no way… no…” I stared at the screen but I didn’t have the courage to respond to his message. After all, what will I do if I did see him?

“Oh, give me that!” Bradley yelled out as he grabbed my phone and texted him quickly. “See you at the café on XY street.” Then he waited until Davis responded and made sure he’d seen it before handing it back to me.

“You’re the worst… but… also… I’m a bit curious about him…” I admitted while glancing up at my friend.

“Yeah, you can thank me later after you talk things out. Do you want me to tag along for protection?” Bradley suggested and I gladly accepted his offer.

I was terrified to go and see him…

Everything about our relationship back then is a bit of a mess and much of a blur… Besides I don’t even remember when it started or when it ended. All I recall are bits and pieces of our long lost relationship and I can’t even piece them all together.

Whether I decide to ignore these feelings or try to pursue a relationship, it won’t end well. Maybe this time it will end up even worse than ever before…

Still… a small part of me was hopeful despite my logical thinking skills that were out the window at that moment…

This is way more than I was ever capable of doing before… For the first time in my life I managed to face forward, to look at my issues, and admit to the past and everything that I felt back then. Even if I did it in a completely drunken stage…

Reading these messages back to myself, these are my honest thoughts that I’ve kept in my heart for the past nine years… and things that I probably wouldn’t be able to say if I had been sober…

Drunken actions are sober thoughts, huh? Who would have thought I’d end up like this…

But meeting him… it seems like something that’s going to bring me nothing but more misery, right?

Because… we used to be close before then we ended up like… this… and now? Now… we’re adults, we’re no longer children that can do whatever we like, right?

This isn’t good… I shouldn’t allow myself to be hopeful because all it’s going to bring about is more of the same heart aching pain I experienced back then…

And I thought my heart had grown much stronger than that, strong enough to withstand an old crush like that…

But maybe… just maybe the reason I hadn’t been able to overcome him for the longest time is because… deep down within me I still love him more than I can imagine…

Even though we never dated, we were never more than friends… and yet… I’m just…

…too pathetic…

Chapter 2: My Crush

***

I somehow ended up at the meeting place… I waited for a few minutes before entering inside… Actually I didn’t have the courage to step in so whenever I made a move I ended up walking back out… because the moment I saw his back I couldn’t believe he was actually here…

The more I stared at him through the coffee shop’s window the more I reminded myself in the past when I’d stare at him from a distance…

Yes… there’s always been this distance between us…

If I just keep it this way I will never be disappointed…

As I attempted to leave, I felt someone grab my hand…

“Were you just going to run away just like that?” Davis had rushed outside probably after seeing me. The look in his eyes that I remembered from all the way back then when we used to be close… How come he looks the same now? He’s more mature sure… maybe even more handsome than I remember… but the innocent look in his eyes continued to shine brightly.

“I’m sorry… you must be mistaking me for someone else…” I excused myself trying to lie to him. But he held onto my hand more sternly than before. He looked as me as if he wouldn’t let me go no matter what lie I tried to make up for him to do so.

“I’m not mistaken… I wouldn’t be able to forget how you look even if I wanted to. Come inside now.” Davis spoke with a careless smile and I could tell he was excited to see me. But my heart was beating so quickly I felt like I was going to faint…

I needed him to let go of me… because I’m a coward… I can’t face him… I can’t do this…

“Um… but I… I really don’t…” I hesitated, I couldn’t even come up with a good reason to runaway… I should have never came here but Bradley insisted and I couldn’t fight him on it anymore…

“Why? You didn’t want to meet with me?” Davis’s grip suddenly loosened and I felt like I had made a huge mistake. The look in his eyes now disappointed, discouraged… did my presence really mean that much to him? Did it matter at all? I couldn’t help but wonder…

“That’s not it, just… I don’t feel… like…” I tried to explain myself. I ended up sneezing and snot ran down my nose, probably making me look more stupid than I sounded at that moment.

“Hm? Let’s head inside, it’s cold… Your nose is running…” Suddenly Davis held me tightly and we walked in together… holding hands, in front of everyone in the café…

Admittedly there weren’t that many people but I was still flustered. Thinking that I was finally with the person I liked and holding his hand… my heart, it felt incredibly warm…

Why does he have to act so caring towards me? In moments like these I really do get my hopes up carelessly…

“So how has life been treating you? Or rather would you we skip that part and go to the real stuff? Your confession.” Davis sat me down, we ordered and he picked up the conversation as he was leading it effortlessly.

I shifted in my seat nervously as I tried to figure out what to say to him. “Please forget about it, I was just drunk and ended up spouting all kinds of nonsense… or rather texting it to you… and that’s no good… honestly…” My words barely making sense I began drinking my hot chocolate, I never could drink coffee, so I felt strange he remembered this detail about me…

“Why? Was it not true? I was actually really happy to receive it…” Davis’s eyes looked down at his own cup of hot coffee. He looked like he was hopeful. But how could that be the case?

Why would he make an expression like that?

“You were?” I asked him still filled with hesitation in my cracking up voice, I managed to utter the following. “I thought I was the only one… that had… hopes for this…” Barely managing to make my voice clear, but he understood me.

“Of course… since the truth is… I’ve always loved you as well, from the start… I just thought nothing would come out of it if I tried to go out with you so I ended up dragging my feet…” Davis spoke so effortlessly about it all but I felt strangely excited when hearing it. I felt like he cared… I felt like I was understood… I was… really… head over heels for this guy…

“Really?! Because I felt the same! I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and I didn’t want you to think badly of me so I just stood by the side and then we lost contact with each other and it became messy and now we’re adults and all…” I blabbered about, this time I didn’t interrupt myself or feel too shy about it. Maybe it was because my heart’s been skipping beats but everything felt like a fever dream to me.

“So you were equally as scared as I was?” Davis asked he looked up at me with wide eyes almost as if he couldn’t believe it at all.

I nodded my head. “Yeah… and I guess… we both liked each other sincerely… so why did we end up like this now?” I asked while looking down at my half finished room temperature drink.

“Haha… that’s so dramatic, don’t you think?” Davis chuckled whole heartedly and it made me pause for a bit to observe him. His smile was as bright as before… no it might have been even brighter at that moment.