The Intergalactic Guide to Humans: Volume 1

1: Introduction to Abductions

XilThis had been a mistake. A big one. Judging from their groans, Havel and Matar thought the same thing. When I'd signed us up for this course, I hadn't expected there to be assignments, let alone exams. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, not an entire degree.

"Is it refundable?" Matar asked with an irritated flick of his tail.

I studied the terms and conditions. Klat. No such luck. And we'd paid way too many credits to just give up before we'd even started.

I grit my teeth. "We're going to do this. Exams be damned. We don't even have to do well in them. There are some planets that accept abductors without qualifications."

Havel flashed his fangs in annoyance. "We know. And look how that's worked out. We're the laughingstock of the entire galaxy."

"Just this sector," I quipped. "And we can still change that. We just need to get it right the one time and everything will be forgotten."

Matar groaned again. "We've tried six times. I can still see the last female waving at us as she stole our escape pod. Do you really think we'll be successful after taking this course?"

"The Intergalactic University has an excellent reputation. Their classes must be good. And if we fail, we can always choose a different path. I hear space pirating pays quite nicely."

"Kardarians don't become pirates," Havel spat. "They abduct females. It's what we do. What our people have done ever since they discovered spaceflight. We have to do this. There's no other way."

"Yeah, I don't plan on staying a bachelor forever." Matar licked his lips. "I can't wait to have a female of my own. Soft and succulent, ready to worship me."

Havel snickered. "I think you got something wrong there. You're supposed to worship the female, not the other way round. Make her feel like the only woman in the universe. Even I know that. Maybe it’s good that we’re doing this course after all."

I left them to their bickering and select the first lecture. We were on autopilot and wouldn't get to Kepler Two for another seven intergalactic hours, so we had got time on our hands. I threw it at our main screen, hiding the view of the Scorpion Nebula flying past.

"Now?" Havel groaned. "Don't we have better things to do?"

I shot him a glare. "It was you she ran away from. Sit down and watch this klatting lecture."

He grovelled but both him and Matar took their seats. I was already in my captain's chair. The only difference between my seat and theirs was that mine was a little elevated, giving me a better view of the bridge. It wasn't any comfier and the thick skin on my arse told of the many hours I'd spent in this chair. Autopilot was all well and good, but I was a traditionalist at heart and liked to fly Jade, my ship, manually.

After the logo of the Intergalactic University vanished, a Karangi female appeared on the screen. The third eye on her forehead sparkled with enthusiasm as she introduced herself as Professor Katila welcomed us as her new students. Not that she was actually aware of us. This was a recorded lecture, just like all of them. We'd only get to talk to our professors face to face in seminars and in preparation for our exams. I shuddered. I hated exams.

"Abductions are one of the galaxy's most sacred traditions," she said in her smooth, delicate voice. They'd done well to choose a Karangi to hold these lectures. They were known for their intelligence and benevolence. If a Karangi was able to do an abduction despite their deeply ingrained morals, anyone could.

"Ever since the first species discovered space flight, abductions of lesser beings have taken place. It's a universal urge that cannot be ignored. Whether it's for companionship, research or simply to get a new pet, abductions are your cheap and easy way to get what you need. The rules of the University require me to say at this point that we do not condone slavery in any shape or form."

She smiled, all three eyes full of warmth. I almost felt loved simply by looking at the video of her. "We shall begin this course with the four Ls. Learn. Locate. Lure. Leave."

The four words appeared on the screen. Matar snorted. "She left indeed."

"I don't think that's what Professor Katila meant," I whispered before realising I didn't need to keep my voice down.

"We're currently at the learning stage. You need to know everything you can about how best to abduct. It's not enough to simply know how to take someone from their planet. You have to be prepared for the aftermath."

Matar chuckled again but both Havel and I ignored him.

"Once you've completed the basic modules of this course, you can start thinking about locating your target. There is a lot to consider even if you already know the species and planet you prefer. Knowledge is key for a successful abduction. As soon as you've done your research and have set your eyes on your target, it's time for the luring stage. Some might simply use a tractor beam to get their target aboard, but in my opinion, that lacks finesse. Abducting is an art form and it should be treated as such."

"She's a little over the top, right?" I asked the guys. "How is it art?"

"Maybe that's where we've gone wrong," Havel muttered.

"Finally, leaving the planet. This isn't just a physical task. Your target will feel lost and alone so far from their home. It's your responsibility to make them comfortable and prepare them for their new life. Even if that life means being probed and researched until they expire."

Interesting. Katila was against slavery but didn't mind subjects being experimented on. I didn't know much about probing, but I was pretty certain that it didn't always happen with the consent of the being on the lab table. I supposed we'd cover that later in the course.

"Today, we shall talk about the motivations for your planned abduction," the Professor continued. "You can do this as a solo or group project, although we do recommend beginners to cooperate with other students for their first abduction. It will help you achieve the top grades possible while also assuring a safe and rewarding experience."

A set of questions appeared on the screen, all of them ridiculous. I regretted signing up for this class even more now. Group work. I hated it. I'd never been much of a team player. The raisers in the hatchery had despaired over my desire to sit in a corner on my own, tinkering with some project I'd come across. I only worked with Matar and Havel because they were good friends and excellent at their jobs. Unless it came to abductions. That's where all three of us sucked. Hence this klatting course.

"Do we write down our answers?" Havel asked. "Do we need to submit them?"

"This project is not graded," the Professor's voice replied immediately. It had to be an automatic, recorded message. "But we would like you to send us your answers anyway. My assistants and I will be happy to help you and provide feedback."

Matar rolled his eyes. "Great. Yet more work. I've still got the booster engine to fix. Does this really take priority?"

"Do you want to get our reputation back or not?!" I snapped. "We need to abduct a female and quickly. If this is the only way to achieve that, so be it. The engine can wait until we're done with the first module."

I flicked open my wrist communicator and projected a large piece of virtual paper in front of me. Real paper was way too expensive to use for something like this. I synced it with the guys' comms so that whatever one of us wrote would appear on everyone's paper. It was a great way to avoid having to sit in a circle.

1) Why do you want to conduct an abduction?

"It's part of our culture," Matar said and his words appeared on the paper. "If we don't get this right, we'll be laughed at for the rest of our lives."

"Without respect, we won't get good tariffs on our products," Havel added. "And we need the money."

I sighed. "My father will never let me inherit his wealth unless I can prove to him that I'm not useless and an embarrassment to our species."

Havel snickered. "You don't have to rub it in, we know your family's loaded. Once he dies, you'll be able to buy an entire fleet of ships, not just this one."

As much as I hated my father, I didn't want him to die. I didn't respond to Havel's comment and took a look at the second question instead.

2) How do you imagine your perfect abduction target?

"Soft, beautiful, female, sexy, willing," Havel said with enthusiasm, the words blending into each other. "Fertile. And compatible with our physiology."

Matar laughed. "Don't worry, she doesn't need much to be compatible with your tiny cock."

Havel snarled, flashing his fangs. "If you don't watch your tongue, I'm going to make sure to add something poisonous to your next vaccination. How do boils around your balls sound?"

"Cut it, you two," I growled. "Of course we're going to take our target from a species that's similar to our own. We want a mate, not a servant, and certainly not a lab rat."

"And a breeder." Havel smiled. "Can you imagine, us becoming fathers?"

No, I couldn't. None of us was ready for that kind of responsibility. I was sure he knew that, but for now, I'd leave him to his fantasy.

"Clever, funny, courageous," I added to the list.

My friends rolled their eyes but I ignored them. It wasn't all about looks. Especially because I wasn't the most desirable Kardarian that had ever lived. Havel and Matar were lucky, their colouring was what Kardarian females wanted. Deep blues and greens, while I'd been born yellow, the colour of my disgraced great-grandfather. It had only added to the disappointment my father felt whenever he looked at me. I bet that he'd pushed me out of the family long ago if I hadn't been his only child. My mother and he had tried again and again, but I was the only result of their union. They despised me for it.

3) What will you do with your abductee? Will you keep them permanently?

Yes, all three of us wrote as one. I smiled. We'd been unsuccessful so far, which meant that we'd never let our female go once we'd finally captured her. She was going to be ours for the rest of our lives.

"She'll be our mate," I said and the words appeared below the three Yeses. "Our companion. Our friend. And eventually, the mother to our offspring." I shot a look at Havel. "Mother sounds better than breeder."

He nodded. "Right. Unless she prefers to be called our breeder. Depending on her species, that may be the correct term."

I checked the screen and realised with relief that we'd answered the final question. I quickly compiled our replies and submitted them to Professor Katila. We'd have to wait for her to send us the next lecture, but the university had provided us with several textbooks on abductions. I forwarded them to the others. It was time to do some hardcore reading.