Memories Never Dies

Épisode 9

Chapter 8

Arriving at the Glycines after my unusual appointment, I pass by the kitchen and see Nonna busying herself with the evening meal.

"Hello, Nonna, how was your day?" I ask as I kiss her on the brow.

"Oh, it was great, Rosa! We finished all the party preparations. This year's event is going to be wonderful, I think. And how was your day? I saw you've cleaned everything up?"

"Yes, Luna even went to the supermarket."

"Oh, perfect!" the sixty-year-old woman adds with a loving smile. "You two are angels!"

I then tell her in detail about my day—including Amaury, my new client—carefully leaving out the fluttering of my heart.

While discussing my emotional state with Nonna might provide insight, our close family bonds and her traditional values complicate matters. My grandmother and Enzo have become quite close over the years. Would she empathize or judge me instead? Slowly, I realize my challenging position, caught between a well-established, hard-to-sever connection and the start of a new, undefined relationship. Until I'm sure this developing story has a promising future, I can't make a decision or even talk about it. The risk is too significant, beginning with the pain such a choice could inflict. Not only for Enzo but for our entire relationship dynamic—possibly disrupting the comfortable routines of our seasoned partnership. Our way of life, involving our social connections, needs, and perspectives, might change. But also people's views could be influenced negatively, making me look heartless and Enzo undeserving. This could discourage anyone! Usually, I don't care about others' opinions, but this isn't just about me. Definitely not! I'd be pulling everyone into my ruin. Granted, my heart appears to suggest something significant and transformative—an experience my current relationship, which developed quickly and effortlessly, hasn't given me. This newfound feeling of emptiness is unlike anything I've felt, even in the face of losing loved ones. A painful yet poignant sensation steadily integrating into my being with each passing day. Emotions and a passion that life with Enzo isn't ready to offer me. But how can I know if my heart isn't leading me down a dead-end path? A road where I'd lose my comforting landmarks and my world could crumble.

It's a total disaster!

The worst choice a person can make in their life. Choosing between something familiar and appreciated, though imperfect, and something unknown yet alluring. And we're not talking about a new car or outfit—there's no test for this. A dilemma, knowing that regrets can be devastating either way. For me, it's exploring emotions with a man I know nothing about, Amaury, who could quickly become impossible if I continue like that . Even though, since the very first day we met, a little inner voice has been urging me to believe that a powerful bond connects me deeply to this man.

_ Hm!

Nonna's throat clearing abruptly pulls me back to reality.

_ Everything okay, dear? Something on your mind?

The old woman has stopped and now faces me while I'm still standing in the doorway, having finished telling her about my day.

I hesitate. Nonna, a former schoolmistress and a skilled psychologist, is the ideal person for the kind of question that troubles me. Besides her wisdom, she can clarify the most complex problems with simple words. But how do I discuss what's bothering me without lying and yet staying vague?

I think...

_ I... Um... Yes,( I finally admit). I have an important decision to make, but how can I be sure I'll make the right choice?

Nonna smiles at me kindly.

_ To begin with, (she starts) there's no right or wrong choice, only consequences. The first thing you should ask yourself is what effects your final decision will have on your life and whether you're ready to accept them. The second is to decide how you'll make your decision—you prefer to follow your instinct, your reason, or even advice from friends, for instance. At the end, each choice is personal; you just need to ask the right questions to avoid regrets. But I'm not telling you anything new.

_ Have you ever had to make difficult choices? (I ask).

_ Of course ! (she replies.) Starting with the decision to leave everything behind and move here.

_ How did you know it was the right decision?

_ Oh, I didn't! (Nonna laughs.) I just listened to my heart and the signs life sent me, that's all.

Signs... of course! I suddenly think, recalling my strange dreams. What if, after all, they were there to guide me? Well, even if these mystic things usually don't fit in my Cartesian mind, maybe it's time to give them some attention. Something I'd promised myself after my first dream experience, at least to understand its meaning. Yes, but where to start? There's no manual or instruction guide for this... Or maybe there is! There's the internet, a limitless source of information.

Energized by the new direction my thoughts have taken, I hug my grandmother, thank her, and run to the stairs with a single goal in mind: light up the mystery that haunts my nights.

***

As soon as I enter my room, I drop my belongings on the floor, unbothered about adding to the existing mess, and lie down on my bed, delaying cleaning for later. I lie on my stomach with my laptop in front of me and my phone within reach. I begin by taking a look at the notes I wrote down during the night.

"Dark door, husky with piercing azure eyes, infinity symbol cut at the center, #111, on the 1st floor the antechamber, a purple feather..."

As my most recent dream comes back to me more clearly, I open my laptop and hesitate for a moment at the search engine. Wanting to make progress is one thing, but knowing where to begin is a whole other challenge. After a minute of contemplation, I type in: " Frequent dreams."

A list of websites appears. The first one offers a short definition of the previously written words. I access it and read the explanation, but find nothing beyond what I already know about dreams.

That's not what I'm looking for, even though deep down I don't really know what I expect from this quest. Lower down the screen, I see few questions and answers like: "Why do we have frequent dreams?" and "How can we stop dreaming?"

One by one, I visit each platform and find some observations. For example, that dreams are a metaphorical representation of emotional concerns, or that they result from stress, pregnancy... Explanations that I find mostly interesting, but nothing, in any case, that could feed my existential questions.

At the bottom of the page, a new suggestion catches my eye: "Why do I always dream about the same house?"

Now we're getting somewhere! I think to myself as I open the link.

But again, I come up empty-handed. However, after reading the explanation, which is nothing more than a symbolic interpretation of what i look for, an idea crosses my mind. Why not look for meaning in the elements that are in my dreams?

Convinced that I'm finally on the right track, I resume my notes and type the first word that jumps out at me:

"Husky, symbolic."

The first website to offer an explanation is an esoteric platform, as expected. Dreams remain a mysterious activity, so it's no surprise that they are mystified. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the matter, and as for me, honestly, I'm not sure what to think about my approach or where it will lead me. But, not losing hope of finding some clarification or just a clue, I start reading, without any preconceived ideas, what is presented to me. The website states that when a husky comes into contact with someone, it may have some information to transmit:

"It informs about a radical change for which one must be ready to receive something miraculous or challenging... Only the journey matters, not the destination... It encourages one to use instinct to guide oneself."

Interesting! I'll copy and paste these elements into a new document and continue my investigation by looking into the symbolism of the number 111. I'm not at all disappointed by what I find: the number 111 is considered a « master number » in numerology, and is associated with creativity, manifestation and spiritual awakening :

"The number 1 symbolizes self-affirmation, freedom, new beginnings and originality. The number 11 indicates that the recognition of the higher self leads to the knowledge and realization of our soul mission and life purpose. When the 1 is tripled, it means that blessings are going to happen in our life.The number 111 is the symbol of intuition, self-expression and sensitivity..."

Ok, I admit that these claims seem a bit unrealistic, but then again, my dreams are pretty incredible too ! What matters most is finding an explanation that, if not realistic, at least has the merit of being surprising and intriguing.

Before concluding my introspection, I can't help but delve into the symbolism of the feather that's appeared to me twice now—once found on the floor of my room, and the other in my most recent dream.

According to the comments I found online, it seems like this could be a sign that an angel is protecting me. As much as I'd love to believe that my late mother is watching over me, I can't quite bring myself to accept such a wild idea.

Anyway, setting aside a few doubts, I realize that I've made some progress, especially given that I had very little to work with. It's evident that I'll have to wait until I've had this dream a couple more times and look for more options before I can start to make sense of it all. But, at the very least, I'm moving forward—maybe not quite in the direction I would've preferred, but it's certainly better than being stuck. As they say, all roads lead to Rome. Whether rational or spiritual, a path is a path. The most important thing is to reach the end. Even if one doesn't transform from a die-hard rationalist to a starry-eyed dreamer overnight, it's not impossible to expand our beliefs and convictions. Not everything has to have a scientific explanation, but every self-respecting person needs some sort of justification.

Overall, I'm pretty pleased with my discoveries. I grab my sketchbook and start drawing the husky from my dream, along with all the elements that were part of it. I jot down the key phrases from the web explanations, like "radical change," "miraculous," "journey," "using instinct as a guide," "new beginnings," "originality," "soul mission," "life purpose," not to mention "awareness." Then, in the corner of the page, next to the number 111, I write down the date: March 18th.