Chapter 11: Anger
1315 Words
After the whole CPS incident, I was never the same.
I had become more angrier than ever!
i even went to juvenile for a couple days, but then got released.
I tried so hard to behave, but I was just filled with anger.
It felt like it was my turn to be angry for some reason.
I started to attack my siblings, when they ran their mouths.
what's worse, when I tell Bruce and deb, they always say, "They aren't doing anything."
But the moment they're out of earshot, that's when they run their mouths.
Nobody was on my side, and I was the crazy one, according to everyone!
According to Bruce and Deb, everything I do is a lie!
I'm already angry, why do they want to make me angry more?
I have no idea!
Sometimes it's like a show to them, a dinner and a show!
Sometime it was like this,
When I lashed out, they would pin me down to the ground, making it worse for me.
When I'm angry, give me space until I calmed down, then talk to me in a calm voice.
The more they pinned me, the angrier I got.
When I lashed out, and got angry Bruce or Deb would call the police, and I would be arrested for domestic violence.
I never got to tell the officers my side of the story, I was just automatically arrested.
I remember one day, while I was waiting for the judge at the court house, as im sitting there I began to pray, and just let everything out to God.
My back was turned and I felt a hand on my shoulder, but when I went to turn around nobody was there, and my head went light headed for a moment.
I knew, I felt the holy Spirit's hand, and I shall never forget it.
I wanted to share with someone right away, cause that's how excited I was about it.
eventually it was my turn, when I went outside to the courtroom, Deb, and Sarah, my biological sister was there.
The excitement quickly turned into embarrassment.
my stomach dropped at the sight of them being there.
I would get arrested so many times, even the officers at the jail knew me.
they would say, "you're back again?!"
even though getting arrested is boring, and embarrassing,
some of the officers are really cool if you're respectful to them.
While I was in jail, I began to withdraw off the medication I was currently taking, and it was a lot of medication.
I spent my teen birthdays locked away.
but the women there made me feel special, more special than the Dubbinks did.
they did my hair, gave me items, let me draw with them, I actually felt a real connection with them.
They wanted to know me, the real me.
and I was okay with that.
Once , I had visitation with Bruce and Deb, when they saw my hair, they told me I looked like a rooster, and just burst out laughing.
I would get visits but no commissary.
I don't understand, you have the guts to put your daughter in jail, but you can't waste a few dollars making sure I have stuff to do and things to shower with.
When I got out of jail, I stink so bad, that I had to drive home with the car window all the way down.
I couldn't stand how bad I smelled, but that's what happens when your parents don't send you money in jail, you end up stinking like a dead corpse walking.
I would even try calling, and they won't pick up, the phone goes straight to voicemail.
Everyone's experience is different, so don't expect any favors.
If you're one of those people kicking, screaming, cussing, etc.
the less they pay attention to you.
Some of them may not pay attention to you at all!
The best thing to do, is do whatever they ask, and cooperate with them, it would make things a lot easier.
When you go to Kent county jail, the first thing you do is give everything up, shoelaces, jewelry, earrings, necklace etc.
they put in a bag, that would return to you the moment you are released.
Next, they begin to search or going through your pockets making sure you don't have anything else.
You go through the door, only they can unlock and grab a sandwich bag.
you sit on the bench until they call your name.
Once they call you, and ask some questions, you sit again, this time waiting for the nurse.
After you see the nurse, you're put into a holding cell with other men or women, not together.
The officers will call you once they have your card printed out, and if there's a cell ready.
The first few days, I was sick, throwing up, sweating, diarrhea, for I was withdrawing off the medication I was currently taking at the time.
When I tried to get the officers attention by pressing an emergency button, nobody came, once again I was on my own.
Until I felt better, I remained in my cell away from everyone.
Some checked on me, making sure I was okay, and I'm grateful for that.
I have bad withdrawals, I go through puking, dehydration, shaking, sweating, diherea, and lack of appetite.
The only thing I want to do is, sleep until I feel better.
By the third day, I was feeling better and back on my feet.
I didn't get commissary like everyone else, and these girls got a huge bag full of junk food, and condiments, sometimes they would make a cake, and it was devilishly good.
I spent my teen birthdays locked away.
but the women there made me feel special, more special than the Dubbinks did.
Some of the women would say, "you're too innocent to be in here!"
I would reply, "Don't let my innocent fool you!"
everyone including me, burst out laughing.
These women wanted to know the details, who threw the first punch, who did I attack, did I win, etc.
They wanted to know me, the real me, and that was okay with me.
Everything was fine, except I was the only virgin locked up!
it was all good until one of the girls asked if I was a virgin, and I couldn't lie, some of them were actually proud of me.
they would say, I wished I did that, kind of looking ashamed or embarrassed.
in a way, it was like a good sleepover, except the beds are metal bunk beds, with no ladder, you have to step on the desk to get to the top.
The food is filled with carbs and salt, you come in the jail skinny, but leave with a few pounds on you.
When it was time for me to pack up and leave, I was excited then ever before.
I was ready for the fresh air, but every time I came to jail, I leave there sickly.
When Bruce and Deb came to pick me up, I was happy, but I couldn't stop throwing up.
I dropped my things and went to hug them, odd thing is, they didn't hug me back, or kiss me on the forehead, like they missed me.
I wasn't going to let that ruin my night, I was just ready to go home.
I threw up in the truck, luckily it was on me, and mostly in the bag I puked in.
When we went out to eat, I couldn't finish my pancakes and I LOVE pancakes, especially from Bob Evans!
I took a nice, long, hot shower, not leaving until I was freshly bathed, hair and all.
When I was done, I felt fantastic!
I remained silent when I got home, and sat and watched TV, until it was time for bed.
- Writer
