HEART MADE OF STEEL

Prologue

Marriage isn't for the faint hearted...I learned that the hard way" she laughed self mockingly. She drew a deep breath to calm the storm that was slowly brewing in her heart as she recalled the torture she went through.

"There were nights that I did not sleep, worried if he was safe or if he ate. I would sometimes cry asking myself if he was with someone else at that very moment. You see it was hard for me to believe that he was at work every single night. During the day he would be at work, then at night he would take up another job."

"Why was it so hard to believe "

"It was because of how the whole business of working at night started. I remember when he started coming home late" she drew her legs under her on the soft couch sinking further into it. She rested her chin into her palm and stared at the vase on the table.

"He started coming home late. I would sit and wait for him, praying that he was safe. Seeing that the time was approaching midnight I would try to reach him on the phone but of course it would be unreachable.Then around past midnight or 1 am there about he would call and ask me to open up for him. At first I would be grateful for the fact that he came back in one piece. I was so scared that he would get into trouble travelling at night. I would ask him where he was and he would saying I'm nagging. 'A guy was not allowed to hang out with the guys anymore, watching the game?'. That was his statement all the time. I came to understand that I was bothering with all the questions, on my end I felt it was unfair. He did not call or text that he would be late. Sometimes he wouldn't come back at all. At one time he disappeared for the whole weekend on Monday I couldn't take it anymore so I called his friends to find out where he was. They said they did not know where he was but would find out then get back to me. A while later I received a phone call from him"

She blew out a shaky breath.

"He asked why I was looking all over for him. He told me he would come home when he felt like it."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I can't tell you how hurt I was. I felt like that was the end of the world for me. I mean, my husband, the love of my life the one I had sacrificed a lot for, the one who cheated on me more than once with the same woman...was telling me I bother him so much thats why he goes away just to breathe." She sniffed. "It made me feel like s**t. I was devastated. I regretted my whole marriage. I questioned the need for it. I was infertile so I asked myself why I was even holding on...

"My father had told me he did not want Steve as his son-in-law. That time I thought that he was trying to control my life. I guess he saw in Steve what I myself could not see. Or I chose not to see it?"

"My three years of marriage, half of them were spent suffering. We had financial issues and I think that just added gas to the fire. We argued and made up. Then he would do something to hurt me again and the cycle would repeat again"

"What gave you the courage and strength to leave. It must have been hard, as you mentioned in previous sessions, he was your first. What led to the divorce?"

"I used to cry alot. I was an emotional person, naive, thinking that love was every thing. I was the kind of person that could forgive a lot of things. He used to verbally abuse me. He would say I spend the whole day at home with no contribution whatsoever to the income of our family. I really don't know why but I couldn't get a job at that time. No matter how hard I tried I never got even a single call for an interview. The small projects that I did were not successful either.

"It was the cheating and the going to 'work' every night that did it for me. Once upon a time we were happy you know. We were the best of friends and had made promises to each other that our friendship would remain even if the romance failed. He used to give me his phone to see funny videos or read shocking stories, you know. And I would do the same. Sharing phones wasn't an issue at first. The phone issues started when I found flirty messages between him and some other girl. He was promising to give her a 'great time' "

Danika sobbed

"When I confronted him about the texts he said 'Thats what you get for going through things that do not belong to you' I was floored. I was under the impression that there was no 'I' or 'You' in our relationship. From that time going forward he told me never to touch his things without his permission. "

She wiped her tears and sighed.

"I finally understand how little I meant to him. All the missed birthdays, the missed holidays and the excuses that were lame. I finally told myself I had to survive this marriage. I was depressed and if I did not do anything about it I would die for sure. So I conditioned myself to be immune to pain and love too. I taught myself not to feel. Although it was hard, slowly I was able to hide my real emotions. I could say I have a headache. But really it was heartache "

"Did you try to work through your issues. Did you try to talk?"

"Whenever I asked him to talk he would say 'Here we go again. You and your issues. If you have problems that doesn't mean I have them too. Whatever problem you have sort it out yourself.' Then he would leave. So I stopped. I stopped everything. I stopped trying to talk. I stopped feeling both love and hate for him. I told myself that I would turn him into a stranger so that whatever he did would not hurt me."

She laughed bitterly.

"And it worked. It actually worked. Then one day he told me that he had found someone whom he had fallen for and wanted to marry. The thing is, he still wanted me as his wife so he suggested that we divorce because the marriage contract we were under did not allow polygamy. The idea was we would divorce so that the three of us would then marry under the chapter that allowed polygamy "

"How did you react to that"

"I was shocked beyond words. He wanted to bring a third person into our marriage and he wanted me to accept it. I was now good at masking my emotions so he did not suspect anything when I agreed. He said of late I had matured and grown to understand him as a man. That he was happy we were no longer fighting like we used too. He said that a man cheating did not mean he did not love his wife. He said that its just something every man did, no male could stay faithful to their wives. He told me it was the woman's duty to make sure that the household remained upright. If the wife was unforgiving and vengeful then there was no future for anyone. He was happy I understood it now that I had agreed to allow the sister wife to officially become part of the family. "

"What happened next"

"We got the papers ready as well as the second contract of the polygamous marriage. Then one day after I signed the papers I left and never turned back. I left a note telling him to be happy, that I was fine and that, this was what I wanted."

"Its been more than 2 years since you left and more than a year since you came back to talk to me. What made you come to see me today. What triggered all these memories?"

Danika rubbed her shin with one hand while the other propped up her head. She was silent for a long time as she thought about the events of the day. She could not believe what had happened at Lalita's.

"I went to meet a few friends at Lalita’s barbecue garden. Its a lovely place that most families visit with their kids. I stood up for a while and then I bumped into a sweet baby girl. She is just under 2 years old and she's so pretty. She held onto me tight, I was shocked that I did not immediately push her away considering how much I hate children. She was looking at me with beautiful eyes while she clung onto me"

Danika looked at her therapist and said in a small voice "She called me mommy ".