Her Broken Rainbow

Don't let me get me

“Every day I fight a war against the mirror 

I can’t take the person starin’ back at me

I’m a hazard to myself.”

~Don’t Let Me Get Me

P!nk 

I wake up with a start, breathing heavily and sweating like crazy. It takes a second to get my bearings before I can breathe normally and slowly again. I get up and walk to the bathroom. Splashing water on my face, I look up at myself in the mirror. I look like I’ve seen a ghost. All pale and clammy looking. I take a few deep slow breaths and walk back out to my bed. It’s only 3 am so I have a few more hours to try and sleep. I lay back down and close my eyes. The images are still there. The look of hurt and pain on Ozzy’s face. The murderous intent in Carson’s eyes. Blood everywhere, several screams in the background and the sound of sirens as the ambulance gets closer. This is what haunts me so frequently it’s like my own personal movie playing on repeat in my mental theater. It happens so much that I can draw in detail every scene that plays throughout my head. It’s like I’m tied to the chair and forced to watch it on repeat endlessly. 

At some point I found sleep again, this time silent and dreamless. Soon enough my alarm blares into the silence letting me know it’s 7 am. I get up and drag myself into the bathroom to go through the routine. I’m exhausted and feel like I’ll drop at any moment. The shower wakes me up a little more and I feel a bit better. I dress in a loose black tank and my paint stained black leggings. My hair is loose under a bandanna. I’m ready to get down to painting. I slip on my sketchers, put my phone, keys, wallet in my purse and jog down stairs to the kitchen. Sky will be here in about 15 minutes so that should give me enough time to get something to eat before we head to Alaria’s. I walk into the kitchen to see my sister grabbing plates and silverware to set the table while my mother teaches Sky to flip pancakes without using a spatula. My heart tugs just a bit at seeing my family welcoming Sky without question. They know full well that I’ve stayed away from the opposite s*x after what happened. I stand just in the doorway leaning against the wall silently watching as they all move around each other, laughing and talking like it’s an everyday thing. Like it’s normal. Is this what it will always feel like if I let go of the pain? Is this what happiness felt like? Ozzy won’t ever get to feel this, see his life the way I get to see mine. Never live and build, never growing past the age of 13 and never finding his place in the world. It hits me deep and it takes all I have not to turn around and run to my room to cry. I slowly push off the wall and make my way to where mom and Sky stand by the stove. 

I lean in close to his ear, “You’re early.” He was so concentrated on trying to flip the pancake when I scared him, causing him to throw the pancake behind him on the other side of the kitchen. “s**t Rae!” 

Shyne, my mom and I are all doubled over and laughing our asses off as he pouts at the failed pancake that is now stuck to the wall, slowly falling apart into pieces onto the floor. Clutching my stomach I try to reach for his arm but he pulls away still pouting and cleans up his mess. It took me a second to collect myself before I could speak again. “Oh cheesus, did you see your face! I didn’t know you’d scream like that.” He gives me a look of an upset child who dropped their ice cream cone. It’s cute watching him hang face the way he is. 

“That wasn’t nice Rae, I was doing so good and you messed it up!” He crosses his hands to emphasize his displeasure. I pat his cheek, “Oh you poor thing, you’ll get over it.” with that I give him a quick tap and turn around to get my coffee. I feel a hand slide around my hip to my stomach, his breath fanning the side of my face. “Don’t worry baby girl, we have all day for me to get my payback. Just you wait.” 

He pinches my side and laughs when I squeak at his action. I grab my cup and take a big swig of my coffee to hide the slight blush that seems to have taken up permanent residence on my face since he came around. We all collect ourselves and carry the food to the dining table. Mom sits at the head of the table with me to her right, Shyne to her left and Sky to my right. The door opens and we all hear Anthony call out good morning. “In the dining room babe!” Shyne calls back. He walks in and kisses my mom’s cheek and hugs me. He does the Bro shake with Sky and sits down next to Shyne. Before she could even get up, Sky goes into the kitchen and comes back with another plate, silverware and a glass for juice for Anthony. “Didn’t know if you wanted coffee or juice.” “Thanks” Anthony accepts and starts dishing out his own plate of breakfast. “So what does everyone have planned for today?” My mom asks. 

“Well Anthony and I have plans to help grandma Layla with yard work, she needs someone to clear out her old garden since the snow has pretty much melted. She wants to get ready earlier this year and hopefully start planting earlier so she can get a jump on Kathy. They have that competition going for the best garden in her community. She’s determined to win this year.” Shyne responded. 

“Yeah she said she won't let that cow win.” Anthony states, we all laugh. His grandma Layla reminds me of Sophia from Golden girls. She wouldn’t be above sabotaging the competition's gardens. Last year there were rumors she put a salt and vinegar mix into a watering can and poured it all over Kathy’s flowers so that her famous rose bush was destroyed. No one had proof and of course Kathy hasn’t been the most popular one in the community so it wasn’t fully clear who did it. With no one wanting to throw Grandma Layla under the bus it was dropped and Kathy was given a consultation prize for her trouble. Grandma Layla said it was only karma because of what Kathy did to her pumpkin patch the year before. “Although with this feud going on, we’re expecting some payback for what grandma did last year.” Anthony chuckles thinking of the incident. 

“What about you guys, Rainbow, where will you two be going?” My mom asks me. “We’re going to Alaria’s so we can paint her room and hopefully get it all done before we leave this weekend for Florida. She’s asked me to do a mural of a cherry blossom on her wall.” 

“Oh that sounds beautiful, make sure to take pictures. What purple did she decide to go with?” I pull out my phone to show my mom which swatch we picked and a few references on the blossom tree I plan to paint. After we all finished breakfast Sky and I said our goodbyes and headed out to the nearest Lowes to get the supplies. “So rainbow? Is that your mom’s nickname for you?” 

Rolling my eyes I respond, “Yes and No, my full name is Raenn Bo Waterson and my sister is Moon Shyne Waterson.” He nods, “Your names are pretty cute and creative. Why does your sister go by Shyne if her first name is Moon?” Yeah it’s only cute if you want to be the girly type into rainbows and unicorns. I don’t hate my name, I just think it’s not mature and I wonder if anyone will take me seriously. Although it’s great for a stage name but not for a 9-5 job. 

“She hates it almost as much as I hate mine. Well I guess, I don’t hate it, I just think I would rather have something less….. “ I trail off thinking of an analogy that suits. 

“Less stripper vibe?” We laugh, “Yeah exactly.” We continue collecting everything we need. I picked out a few shades of brown, pink, red, green, white and black for some shading. We pile everything into the back of his mustang and head off to Alaria’s. Everyone is already there when we arrive, the guys get busy carrying all the supplies up to her room as the girls and I prepare some ice tea and a cooler with Soda and beer in order to avoid trekking through the house and possibly getting paint anywhere. We head up to Alaria’s room, setting everything to the side of the room. 

“Alright what’s the game plan?” Zach asks, he’s wearing a pair of cut off shorts that no man should ever wear and a white tank. 

“Well we’re going to start off with the white I chose and the accent wall with the lavender Rae and Sky will do. I want this one to be my accent wall and the rest will be the white.” Alaria points at the wall off to the right of the room. “Once the walls dry then Rae is going to start with the Cherry blossom.” 

“Have you decided how you want me to do it or where?” I ask her. She purses her lips and rubs her chin in a thinking pose. 

“I don’t really know honestly. I was thinking of doing the cherry blossom on the left wall opposite the accent wall and carrying it over to the back wall so it branches over my windows but it’s honestly up to you, whichever you think looks better.” I nod, I’ve been planning this since she asked me to do it the other day. I like her idea but decided the back wall should be her accent wall, that way the tree starts on the left wall and branches over the purple wall. I explain what I think we should do and we go back and forth for a bit making more changes than originally planned. We finally decided with two accent walls, the right side and the back wall where her windows are. So this way when you walk into the room from the door, the wall on the right and the wall straight ahead are both going to be the lavender purple and the other two will be the white she chose. The ceiling will be the same white as the other two walls. Following the last minute idea changes we all jump in and start painting the walls. 

I start on the right wall with the lavender and roll it on evenly. I’m short so obviously I can’t get that far up the wall and since Alaria is as short as I am, we enlist the help of Zach, Nick and Sky. Zoe and Shay couldn’t come today but they will stop by after their work shifts to see if they can help any further. 

“If you can’t even reach farther than half way up the wall, how are you planning to paint a whole mural of a tree?” Zach jokes from somewhere behind me. I turn around, left hand on my hip and paint roller in my right hand. “Isn’t that why they invented that amazing thing called a ladder? Ever heard of it?”

“Yeah I have a smart ass, but I thought you were afraid of heights?” Yeah…. that’s the one thing I haven’t been able to figure out how to get over in order to paint the tree as high as I want it. I was planning on the tree being big, spanning from floor to ceiling but her room is large, her house if f*****g huge. I figured that I could just get over my fear and get it done somehow. I didn’t want to sweat it right away and not concentrate on the rest of the project. “Tell me again why you didn’t just hire a crew to do this?” Zach continues to whine. 

“Because I wanted to do it myself. Just because my family has money doesn’t mean I should just pay for everything to get done. Think about the amount of money I’m saving just on the mural alone! That would have been expensive.” Alaria may be a rich kid but she has fantastic money management skills. She said once she graduates college she’s going to start up her own beauty parlor, without the help of her parents. She has great style, though I may be biased because she is my hair stylist after all. I wouldn’t keep coming back if she was bad at it. 

“Hey, hey now, who said I wasn’t charging for my amazing skills?” I retorted. “But.. but… you love me right!” Alaria gives me her perfected innocent sad Puss n Boots face. I’m only joking, we all know this, but I have to say if she was really trying, I’d cave. “You look like a dying cat when you do that.” She flips me off. Zach decides it’s too quiet and sets up his phone and bluetooth speaker, starting with Lost boy by Ruth B. 

“There was a time when I was alone

Nowhere to go and no place to call home

My only friend was the man in the moon 

And even sometimes he would go away too

Then one night, as I closed my eyes

I saw a shadow flyin’ high 

He came to me with the sweetest smile 

Told me he wanted to talk for a while 

He said, “Peter Pan, that’s what they call me

I promise that you’ll never be lonely” 

And ever since that day….”