The Perks Of Being Invisible

Light in the Dark

If you don't see pain, does that make it hurt less? If they don't break in front of you, does that mean they didn't break at all? What did it take, when they walked away? How much of their soul did you take this time? Not much.... Right? Here is a fictional work with some truth based feelings, I think we can all relate.

Ava POV

"It's going to be o.k. I can get through this, five more minutes till school." She thinks to her self."Not that it's much better. A mask is a mask. Though if I have to wear one, I guess I would rather smile. I wonder if they know I am a fake? That I am not strong or smart? Would they still care if they knew? Haha. That's funny if the bullies weren't scared of me I don't know that they would even talk to me . At least some good comes of all this." The thought soothes the ragged edges of her soul as she winces trying to put on her pants, her shins hurt every time she moves after hours of jumping jacks. P.E. was going to suck today but she would just grab some pain killers from JoJo again. She tried not to let anyone know. She didn't want any more phone calls, They only led to more bruises anyway. Unable to handle her own mind she walks to the bathroom, there under the sink. That will make it better, Once the pain still loomed her faults, her flaws, her short comings. They were going to drown her she could feel them sucking the air from the room. To large, to much, once, they fell back. Twice the air was returning. The third time the room stopped spinning. Finally on the fourth pass the razor brought peace. The repeated tearing of the intentionally messed up blade, finally releasing the chemicals she needed so bad to make it through her day. Her dirty secret, one mark, four times, but it worked.

With a sigh of relief she hid the razor, in the back, in her moms old hair stuff. She never looked here. After cleaning the wound so it wouldn't bleed thru her pants, she headed for the bus. Her friend met he half way and examined her carefully, as always.

"I am fine." She lied with practiced ease. When was the last time I didn't have to lie? She wonders idly. When did I get so good at hiding how bad I'm breaking? Can he see I'm sceaming in side?

He shruggs and starts to walk for the bus asking about last nights homework. Even as she sighs in relief she shatters a little bit more inside. Will I break enough that I wont feel it anymore? How much longer will that take? At the bus stop nobody talks with them as usual, but it's better than getting bullied. I had a bad habit of losing my s**t when people bullied others in front of me. I made some one feel that way once and decided never to do or allow it to be done in front of me again. I owed that to her, she was a good freind and I was not, she'll never forgive me and that's fair. So I'll pay my penance this way. It's the only way I can. Do otther people think like this? Is this what they mean when they say I'm old for my age? She tuns back in to the conversation she's been having with Jake.

"Anyway, I did a lot better on the test. I just wanted to say thank you." Jake says looking down shyly.

"What ever I told you, it's just a matter of making the material click in your head." she says laughing it off. The praise makes her anxiety flair, and she absentlly wishes she had brought her razor. Even though she knew Jake would be uoset with her over it. He understood or said he did. she didn't know if he did but he at least pretended, and for her that was enough.What would it be like to accept words at face value? Do some people really do that? With no hesitsation or anxiety? God, do other people have to talk to them selves this much before they even get to school. I'm losing my mind, I'm going to c***k! She digs her thumb nail into a mark on her leg. The pain grounding her, keeping the demons in her mind at bay just a while longer.