Satellite Souls

Denial

Fiona’s POV

Cancer. The doctor's words were enough to knock the earth off its axis. As the months went by, I felt helpless watching my mother gradually deteriorate from herself. When she passed away, I felt as if I had lost all sense of direction in my life. Grief is said to have five phases, and I couldn't seem to get past the first one.

Denial.

My coping mechanism was to shut it all out. Trying to talk and reason with my alcoholic father made things worse. I felt alone, lonely, and shut out from the world. My mind began to disintegrate, and putting the parts back together seemed to take an eternity.

Anxiety experienced by one person is not the same as anxiety experienced by another. We all have our demons, small devilish voices whispering our sanity away as a price. Your heart is racing at a hundred miles per hour. You're on the verge of losing your vision, feeling unsteady, and trying to cry for help, but your body won't let you. Don't even get me started on how your windpipe decides to narrow on its own, making it impossible to breathe. Welcome panic attacks. Here you are imbedded into my body like a new department in an office. It seems as if you’re drowning underwater with a rope wrapped around one of your legs constantly pulling you under and to top it off you have a life-size apple shoved down your throat.

There's nothing you can do about it; it's dark, dreary, and unpleasant. I remember having those nights on a regular basis. But this one week, everything had become so severe that I was willing to do the unthinkable. It was fortuitous that I had decided to nap first.

Dreams are the epitome of what you wish your life would be like. Escaping every bit of my trauma, led me to find him in an unknown world. A world I thought was initially created for me, was a world created for us. Two broken people.

In this world, everything was okay. Letting out my anger, sadness, and talking about my trauma was welcomed by him. Every single night, I’d go to sleep excited to see him. Spending time with him or just merely staring at him made me feel protected, loved and wanted. As the dreams got more and more intense and I started imagining him around when I was awake, I did start to panic. Only because I thought I was losing my mind. I didn’t want to be dependent on him. I didn’t need fixing. I used to push Vision Aiden away before in fear I could never cope without him. But I slowly learnt how much he was helping me regain my strength back. I started to see the good in vision Aiden and the dreams. I wanted to live in fantasy. I wanted to give in.

He was my husband, my best friend and my lover. Why would I leave this world when it has done nothing but make me whole?

I opened my eyes to Aiden sleeping next to me. It felt like we were still in the dream but there he was, lying next to me. I reached out to touch him but the phone rang. I frantically pulled out my phone and answered.

“Hey, I’ll be home in an hour. Don’t worry, I’m alive and my tinder date didn’t kill me”

I had been so consumed in thought, I had forgotten about Lydia.

“Yeah okay,” I whispered and hung up the call quickly. Aiden was still asleep. I looked for my clothes and then remembered he had torn them apart last night. Grabbing one of his t-shirts and sweatpants, I quietly snuck out of his hotel room and made my way back to the house.

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I took a brief shower while ruminating about the previous night. The way he looked at me and caressed me was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I desperately wanted to snap out of it. But I couldn't because, for the first time in a long time, I felt . . . happy. Is this how it feels to be emotionally content? There's no anxiety, panic attacks, or self-doubt?

Should I continue to tune out the rest of the world and live in my bubble with Aiden, as I have for the past five years? Should I put the repercussions aside and indulge in this fantasy?

I reached the drawer to pull out my necklace but it wasn’t there. I spent the next thirty minutes looking for the necklace that I always keep on my dressing table. But I couldn’t find it. Feeling disappointed, I made my way to the living room. I notice Lydia on her phone and decide to ask whether she has seen my necklace.

“Hey, did you see my necklace?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Which one?” She replied, her eyes still locked on the phone.

“The only one, the one my mom gave me” I responded, irritated. Lydia is fully aware of how valuable the necklace is to me.

“No, I think you might have misplaced it. Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll turn up” Lydia consoled me.

I didn't have much time because I was about to return to work. I needed to get ready and go as soon as possible. We both ate breakfast together, but Lydia kept texting someone throughout the meal. I didn't bother to ask who it was because she only dates for a week at a time. I hurriedly dressed and left for work after finishing my breakfast.

I arrived at work and remembered my ring just as I was about to step out of the car. I swiftly removed it from my handbag and slipped it onto my ring finger. It shone brightly, but it also left a sick feeling in my gut. As I walked into the building, the events of the previous night flashed through my head.

“Hey, she’s back everyone!” Gus yelled from his workstation.

“Omg, I saw the i********: pictures of your engagement, Fiona! It was beautiful! Congratulations!” Penelope welcomed me with a huge hug.

“Girl, don’t forget about us when you move to the mansion” Kiki exclaimed.

The crowd going on and on about my engagement celebration made me feel overwhelmed. Reality started kicking in, like a drug, pouring into my veins. I wished I was high on it, but it made me feel a little lifeless on the inside. After what seemed like ages of talking to my co-workers, I managed to find my seat in my cubicle. I was a financial consultant at a prestigious company and I was exceptionally good at my job. I changed my concentration to work and began replying to each email one by one as I browsed through my never-ending inbox packed with pending work from my vacation days.

After what I can only describe as a stressful week, I felt good about burying myself at work. Just then, a small ding on my phone halted my train of thoughts.

“Those were my favourite sweatpants. I have to charge you for that ”

My lips twitched into a smile, but I knew I had to maintain a neutral expression at work.

I typed while holding the phone in my hand. “Finders keepers. You’re not getting it back”

I looked around the cubicle to make sure no one else was in it. All of this tiptoeing was completely out of character for me. But he made me want to be a little adventurous.

“Guess I’ll just have to come and take it off of you then”

His flirty reply made my heart skip a beat.

“It’s glued to my hips. It’ll take a surgeon to remove it” I replied.

“Call me Doctor Greyson” He replied back. I continued to type despite my flushed face, but I was interrupted by Kiki's voice from behind.

“Hey Giiirl, it’s Daniel’s birthday today and we are all heading out for drinks at The Love Shack around 8. Do you want to join us?” She asked enthusiastically.

“Yeah sure, I’ll join” I've never participated in any of the after-work activities before. That, though, was the old Fiona. I feel like a completely different person now.

“Okay great! See you there!” And with that, she left. I looked at my phone, unsure of how I would respond to him. Aiden's whole situation was obviously spiralling out of control. I knew I should stay away from him, but I couldn't help but be drawn to him like a magnet. I decide to call Charlie despite my desires.

I was getting married to this person, and I haven't heard from him in over 24 hours.

“Hey Babe, what’s up?” He answered casually.

“Hey, I just wanted to check up on you. Where have you been?”

“I’m in Rome for a business meeting.”

“Oh. I didn’t know you left the country”

“I’ll be here the entire week. Sorry babe.”

“No, it’s okay. I just wanted to let you know I’m back at the office.”

“That’s great! Only a few weeks to go and then you won’t even need that job anymore”

“Wait- what do you mean? I’m not going to quit my job just because I’m getting married”

“You’ll . . Ah never mind. We’ll talk about it later. My client just walked in. Bye”

Before I could say anything, Charlie cut the line. Having that conversation terrified me. It was crazy that he had just made that decision for me. I don’t want to quit my job. I loved my job. But I knew I had to wait for a week until he got back to discuss it further. The rest of the workday whizzed past, and I spent the majority of it fielding calls and booking meetings.

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I suited up and left my room to go to the Love Shack. I hadn't been to a bar in a long time, and I had no idea what to expect from the night, especially with my co-workers. I asked Lydia if she wanted to join me, but she opted to fly home to see her parents at the last minute. I was curious as to how Mr and Mrs Jones were doing.

It's no surprise she'd been hooked to her phone all morning. I didn't ask her what happened because she was in a rush, and she didn't tell me how long she would be gone.

I got a taxi to The Love Shack and met up with my co-workers, who had a cake and decorations waiting for Daniel. We all took shots and had a good time joking around. I kept my phone in my hand the entire night, fiddling with it. I felt like I was finally breaking out of my rut and living in the moment.

Because it was still a workweek, people began to leave one by one. I stared at my drink, unsure of when I should leave. Before I left, I wanted to take a few more shots. It was a good thing my ring shone brightly all night since it was enough to scare any man who looked at me away.

“You summoned me” VA popped out of nowhere, and it nearly made me spill my drink on the table.

“I didn’t summon you, in fact, I never summon you. You just show up” I blurted out.

“Well, too bad your texts say otherwise” He smirks and then vanishes into thin air, leaving me puzzled.

“My texts . .” I muttered under my breath as I checked my phone. My eyes widened as I realized how many texts I'd sent Aiden.

“Hiiiii”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at the Love Shack”

“I have documents to prove that your sweatpants are mine”

“I love Tequila like she’s my own child”

And so on, he hadn’t responded to any of my texts. I exited the bar after the bartender called a taxi for me. A familiar guy emerged from a black SUV and approached me. I wasn’t ready to deal with VA again.

“You always smirk then disappear. Why do you have to be such a tease?” I yelled at him. Everyone stared at me while he slowly grabbed me by the waist. Wait, he’s real. I realized, falling into his arms.

“Alright, let’s get you home”