Now I Know

SIMULA

Now I Know

Simula

Tamad akong sumandal sa sa upuan dahil sa pagkaburyo. Kanina ko pa pinipigilang humikab pero ngayon hindi ko na ‘yon nagawa. I immediately cover my mouth. I shook my head to put away every bit of sleepiness lying with me. I anxiously look around to check if someone sees me yawning. Fortunately, there’s none. Everyone is busy watching the bride and groom and I’m guessing I’m the only one busy controlling my eyes not to shut.

Chantal excused herself a while ago to pee so I have no one to talk to. Kaya wala rin akong nagawa kundi ang manood mula sa dilim. I played with the sequence of my gown with the both of my hands while my attention joined the crowd of eyes who are all enjoying the event. I saw Mina’s eyes are all focused on the man she’s dancing with. Her smile is priceless. Her smile is stranger to me. I never saw it before. Hindi ko namalayan na nakangiti na rin ako habang pinagmamasdan sila. Mina looks so so so happy. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ngumiti nang ganito.

I unconsciously gave a sigh. Ngayong nakikita ko siya, para lang akong nananalamin. I can’t help to wonder if that’s how I’d look in my wedding. Ganiyan kaya ako kaganda kapag ngumiti ako nang ganiyan kalapad? Syempre, oo. We have the same face but I know we are totally different.

Mina is now married at young age, 25. She married Logan, her longtime boyfriend she met at 7’th grade. She has a good career as nurse. I imagine her waking up every morning next to her husband with a smile on her face. They will eat breakfast together and go to the same workplace with the profession she loved since she’s eight. And because of that, I cannot help but to think about the future.

It’s been two years since I graduated and it’s the same two years without work. On the past months, it didn’t bother me. I am not the kind of person who’ll make a haste decision just to have a salary. And I know there’s many schools out there where I can apply and teach. But the problem is, I see no fun in there. And I cannot live without fun. I cannot waste time not enjoying. I want a career I can see doing every single day not a work who can pay me every month. Because there’s a big difference between them. If there is no happiness in what you do, you are just wasting time.

Maybe I am too preoccupied with my thoughts about my tomorrows dahil hindi ko nakita ang paglapit sa’kin ni Georgey.

“Problem?” I mouthed, raising both of my eyebrows.

He didn’t answer me but he offered his right hand. Bigla ko na lang napatago ang isang kamay ko sa gilid kung saan nasaan ang lamesa. I hid it below the mantel covering the rounded table.

Nakita ko ang pag-angat ng labi niya nang gawin ko ‘yon. I am looking up to him. He is blocking my view on the center where are all the colourful lights are opened. Where the couple are dancing. The corners of the room, where we are seated, are dim. Kahit madilim, kitang kita ko ang ekspresyon niya. Nakangisi, halatang may kalokohang naiisip.

Ginalaw niya ang kamay niya na nasa harapan ko kaya napunta ang tingin ko doon.

“Ano?” I shouted. No, I only mouthed because I don’t want to make a scene.

“Your hand,” he answered, nagpipigil ng tawa.

Napahawak ako lalo sa mantle at mas tinago ang kamay sa ilalim ng lamesa. “Wala ka bang kamay?”

“Nangangawit na ako,” sabi niya nang tinignan ko lang ang kamay niya na hinihintay ang mga kamay ko. Hindi ko alam talaga kung anong nakain niya dahil kahit naiinip na siya, o baka nga naiinis na, ay hindi pa rin nawawala ang ngiti sa mukha niya.

Epal. Ba’t kailangan nakangiti. Hindi naman siya palangiti ‘pag naiinis.Bakit ngayon pa siya ngiti nang ngiti.

Without my permission, bigla na lang niyang hinila ang kanang kamay ko na hindi ko na rin naitago sa ilalim ng lamesa. He’s holding my one hand and I tried to let go but he didn’t even budge. Hindi ko mahila paalis ang isang kamay ko kaya’t nagsumiksik na lang ako sa table at doon kumapit nang husto. I know how I look crazy but there’s no way I would stand up and receive everyone’s attention.

He’s looking at me now with amusement in his face. Kitang kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha niya habang pinipigilan na tumawa. I know he’s keeping his laugh ‘coz he has unattractive laugh. Hindi niya kayang tumawa nang mahina. Kapag tumawa siya, makikita mo pati lalamunan sa sobrang buka ng kaniyang bunganga. At grabe ang halakhak niya pati ikaw na makakarinig ay matatawa.

“Let’s dance.” That’s what he said before he forcefully yanked me to the middle. I offered him my poker face that I always wear when I am not happy to what I am doing. Akala ko maawa siya sa’kin at ibabalik ako sa lungga kung nasaan ako kanina pero nginitian lang niya ako. Kita ang mga ngipin. Kapag ngumiti siya nang ganito, doon ako naiirita. Isa lang ibig sabihin niyan, walang atrasan.

“Are you drunk?” ‘Di ko maiwasang itanong. “Wala namang redhorse rito.”

He chuckled when he looked at me. Huminto kami sa gilid, malapit sa bagong kasal. Mina’s eyes grew bigger when she saw me. Hindi ko siya masyadong nabigyan ng pansin dahil inuna ko munang umusog palayo nang kaunti sa kanila. Sa totoo lang ang balak ko ay doon sa pinakadulo kung saan hindi na kami halos makikita.

I moved my body to the left. Georgey is holding my arms pero noong kumilos ako ay hindi man lang siya natinag. Binalik niya rin ako kung saan siya huminto nang una.

I am glaring at him while forcing my smiles. “Ano bang trip mo?”

I looked around still wearing the fake smile. My gosh! Everyone is looking at us! I don’t know what’s inside his mind but I am not liking it. I hate dancing in front of everyone! Mas pipiliin ko pang mag-rap kaysa sumayaw nang mabagal habang magkalapit kaming dalawa.

“I told you. Let’s just dance.” He’s still smiling and my fake smile faded when he held my waist and pull me closer to him. Siguro dahil sa gulat ay hindi ko mabalanse ang katawan ko kaya nang hilain niya ako ay para akong lobo na sumasama kung saan lang dalhin.

The shock on my face still didn’t run away. He’s now holding my waist and my hands are hanging on between our chests, hindi alam kung saan i-p-pwesto.

He grinned at me. “If you could see your face right now…”

He grabbed my hands gently and put those on his shoulders. Gently. He really did it gently like how he carefully scoops his cat, Garfield, to carry it in his arms.

Inilapit niya ang mukha niya sa’kin. His warm breath touched my ear when he whispered, “…you look like you’re going to puke.”

He laughed and quickly pursed his lips to muffled his unattractive laugh. If there’s no one beside us, I know he’d be now clutching his stomach and laughing like he’s going to die while his face is burning red.

I rolled my eyes and stepped on his shoe. It made him grunt. “Alam ko wedding ngayon pero simula nang nakita kita akala ko may costume party. Kulang na lang lipstick, para kang si Joker. Kanina ka pa ngiti nang ngiti. Ang creepy mo.” I intended to step closer to him and whisper it.

“Ano namang masama sa pag ngiti?” he looked away, still smiling, as we started to dance. I followed his sight and I know his hands landed on the newly-wed couple standing several feet away from us.

The smile did not leave his face and that surprised me. I was expecting that his lips will be closed in line and his eyes will look away. That’s what he always does before every time I look at him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero sa t’wing nandiyan si Mina at Logan ay na kay George ang mga mata ko. I am studying his expression, on how he’d react when he sees my twin with someone else. Because he’s in love with Mina and I know that it hurts to see someone you have feelings to are loving someone else but you. I know because I’ve been there. I am still there.

“Stop smiling, please,” I said, kunwaring naiirita. Now I get his attention. He tilted his head and stare at me like I’m a math problem he wants to solve.

“Why are you so annoyed with my smiles?” And I couldn’t answer his questions. I just shut my mouth and looked away.

But I know what my answer.

I hate his smile today because I know it’s hard to smjle if I were him. And his teeth showing only means to me that he’s enduring it or most likely he’s faking it. I don’t want him to do that. I know she loves my sister and it’s sickening to attend the wedding of the person you love when you’re not the one she’s marrying. Pero wala naman akong magagawa. I cannot say it right through his face. Kahit kailan ay hindi ako nangialam sa kaniya tungkol sa kambal ko. It’s not my life to begin with. I have no right. I’m only his friend and I am sister of Mina. The girl he’s in love with since highschool.

“Sisi,” He called me using the nickname he gave me. Ang ikli na nga ng Sitti pero ginawa niya pang Sisi. It actually makes no sense but I only look at the positive side. When you give someone a name it means that it’s special. So, in conclusion, I am special.

Special friend.

“Ano?” I answered with my raised voice, acting like annoyed even I am not. “Lasing ka ba?”

“I only have wine. Anong lasing.”

“Para kang lasing.”

“Ikaw para kang ewan. You’re being grumpy today.”

I unclasped my hand placed in the back of his nape. His face moved an inch closer to me when I hit the back of his head. I heard him chuckle and his grip on my waist stressed. I swear. Feel ko ma-str-stroke ako dahil dito.

I eyed him from head to foot. “Look who’s grumpy every day and now pointing finger!”

Hindi pa siya nakakarecover sa kakatawa mula kanina ay nagsisimula na naman mamula ang pisngi niya. He lips twitched. May multong ngiti sa labi.

“But we’re only talking about today.”

“Isn’t today a part of everyday?” My hand is slipping from his shoulder at hindi ko naman ‘yon napansin kung kailan siya mismo ang humawak sa kamay ko para ibalik ito sa kaniyang balikat.

He grinned. “But I am not grumpy today. You are.”

I know I must play my part and remain on my act, to be annoyed, but when he smiled at me, I found myself smiling too.

Our chitchat interrupted when the song ended and Ryan Darling’s song I Choose You started to play and fill the whole place.

You are my always

You are my forever

You are my reality

I know the song. It’s Logan’s choice of song for Mina. Hearing the intro and first verse of the song, I know I should be looking beside me but my body looked in front. George eyes met mine. The smile plastered on my face gradually fades.

I don’t know if it’s the first time for us to look at each other’s eyes like this. We’re inch apart. We’re not looking away. We’re just silent. No words are said. Just eyes. Just eyes.

I don’t know how many seconds have passed but it seemed like forever. We always look at one’s eyes but only when we’re angry. We’re not staring but we’re glaring. But this time, It’s different. It’s different

It’s so weird for this to happen. We’re not a couple. We’re just friends and it’s a crime in friendship law to stare at friend’s eyes this intense. I think we’re criminal. I am criminal for breaking a rule. Because I am not supposed to enjoy this. I supposed to look away.

And that’s what I did.

I looked to my left.

And I hate it. I hate to look away.

So I looked back…

And I’d choose you

In a hundred lifetimes I’d choose you

In a hundred worlds I’d find you…

...to find his gaze on his right.

And say “I do”

For the rest of my life

Now, she’s looking at Mina.

Seconds ago, I thought we were staring at one another but I am retrieving that now. When I see his eyes whenever she looks at Mina, the more I realize I was the only one staring. He isn’t. He’s just looking at me. And I wonder if he ever sees me.

I heard gasps from the crowd of 200 invited people in this wedding. When I follow the trail of their sight, I gasped too. My hand quickly flew in my opened mouth.

Mina stopped dancing because she’s now crying. But it’s a different cry. It’s now painful but it’s the most beautiful sight.

“Stop crying, Hun,” I heard Logan said to his wife. He even chuckled when he embraced her in his arms. Logan’s is 6 inches taller than her. It’s a good view when he cries in his chest. Mina really looks perfect in his body. Like she’s made for him.

“So sweet!” That voice made me turn my head.

Chelsea’s now beside us with Troy, her suitor. The couples resumed dancing and Chelsea and her partner starts to move too.

“Sweet,” she emphasized with her malicious tone. If I don’t know what she’s talking about, I’ll assume it’s for Logan’s gesture towards my sister but seeing her smirk and looks on me and George I know that that word does not belong to them. It’s meant for us. George and I. It’s how close we are to each other, literally. It’s about how his hands remained on my waist even everyone- including me are so absorbed by the newly-weds.

“Akala ko kinain ka na ng cr,” sabi ko.

She chuckled. “Sus. Saglit lang ako nawala tapos pagdating ko…” she didn’t continue her sentence but instead she looked in my partner.

I looked at George too to check if he is listening to us and…

I met his eyes. I almost step backward because I was startled by it. He just raised his thick eyebrows, which is his the most profitable asset.

“See how we look from the outside.” I can’t help but to say. I motioned my hands to Chelsea’s direction which is now far from us.

“From the outside?” I nodded.

“In their eyes?” I nodded again.

He stepped closer again and look in his right or left without turning his head. Like he is checking if someone’s listening or spying to us. Then he smiled to me.

“We look sweet.” He proudly said. At wala na akong nagawa kundi ang mapasinghal. It’s a hopeless case now. I don’t know what’s really gotten to him today but he’s really not the everyday kind of George right now.

“How do you think we look from the inside?” he asked. Wala nang paliguy-ligoy ay nasagot ko na agad ang tanong niya.

“We look ridiculous!” I gritted my teeth and he seems not bothered by it because he just laughed it off.

“You should thank me, Si. I saved you from misery.”

“No. You should thank me. I holdback my feet from kicking you.” He gave a glance in one table before returning to me.

“I ran to your family’s table actually. I have a bit of conversion with Mr. Peter and he—“ This time, it’s my turn to burst into laughing. I can literally feel the heat in my face.

“Seriously? Mr. Peter? You still call him Mister?” I am laughing so much and now there’s a tears I can wipe in my eyes. I studied him while he’s watching me die here. He’s just pouting.

“Stop it. What’s wrong with that?”

I ignored what he said. “Did you shake hands?”

When he just looked at me and didn’t answer. I laughed more. OMG. I can imagine them formally calling each other’s name and shake hands like how it is in the business industry.

“He pointed at you and he said that you look lost. You look uninvited and gate crashed the party. He said I should do something to save your dignity.” He added but I didn’t gave it attention.

I know he’s now embarrassed now that I keep teasing him but there’s a ghost smile in his face, and I can see how he tries to conceal it but it definitely fails.

“It’s your fault, Sisi. You’re the first one to do that.”

I looked at him, amused. “It’s almost a decade ago!”

He titled his head and bit his lower lip. “But you influenced me, Miss Sitti.”

And now memeries keep coming back the first time we met him. It was a great story to tell and it’s what the era where I call everybody Miss and Mister. The first time we met him, she was with her mother and I definitely call her Miss before his name.

“But it’s really funny for you to call my brother a mister, Mr. George.”

He looked at his upper right and act like his thinking. He clicked his tongue when he finished acting that he found the answer that he’s looking.

“But he deserves it. It suits well with his name. He has the aura of a well-respected man.” Upon hearing it, wala na akong masabi kaya napairap na lang ako. I don’t know what kind of spell my Kuya gave him but George is kind of intimidated to him. And he told me once that Peter is really cool and he looks him up.

It’s not my thought to mess so I don’t add up anything even I wanted to. I want to say that George himself is intimidating and it’s weird to think he is intimidated with Peter, which I just call Peter most of the time.

Because of the frequent mention on his name, I searched for him. He’s on the table with our family. I am quite surprised when I saw him already looking at me even before I found him. He’s arrogantly dashing with his Armani suit and wears his boyish smirk. His arm is lying on her wife’s backrest.

“Japan!” I shouted in mute with a cheerful smile on my face.

Now, my energy’s back when I remembered about Japan. He said that he’ll let me come with him in Japan because he has many stuff to do there. He knows it’s my dream country. Probably it’s a week or two from now and we’re flying to Japan! I don’t care if we’ll just stay for a day in there but I know it’s more likely three weeks or more. He’s going there for work but I am going there for fun.

I repeat the country’s name again but he just dismissingly shook his head.

“I have an offer,” George said and my attention shifted on him but Japan remained on my head.

“Anong offer?”

“A job.”

“Job?” I repeated.

“Work for me.” He smiled but I didn’t. My forehead creased by confusion. He is offering me a job?

“But you don’t have work so how the hell you want me to work for you?” I said as a matter of fact. I know that he resigned from his work three months ago. And now we’re both unemployed.

“My former job has nothing to do with this. This is a premium offer. You’ll thank me after you hear this,” By that, I seemed convinced with his confidence.

“Okay, Spill.”

“We’ll just travel. Going to places and another. I will pay all the expenses. All I need you to do is go with me. And when I’ll ask you, you just need to answer. Your role is to be the describer. Just describe the things I ask you to describe.” I know from the smile on his lips that while he’s speaking, he knows he already get me from the first sentence. He got me from the world travel. He knows how much I want to travel. And hearing that, my face automatically lit up.

“Where can I start?” I am excited.

“Next week agad.”

Next week? My wildest smile fades and light in my face turned off. Why it’s wrong timing.

“But I have a flight next week.” I pouted. Alam ko na sayang ang opportunity na ‘to pero mas mabigat ang Japan sa puso ko.

“Basta next week.” He insisted.

“Pero papunta kaming Japan ni Mr. Peter next week baka abutin kami ng isang buwan more or less.”

“We’ll start in Manila probably. I don’t know yet. I still need to plan.”

“Pero may flight nga ako!”

“I didn’t listen to you while you’re speaking. Come again?” alam kong naririnig niya ko kanina pero mas pinili niyang hindi at magsalita mag-isa na parang wala akong sinasabi.

“Ang-sabi-ko-may-flight-ako-next-week!” I emphasized every word to assure he hears it. Inilapit pa niya ang tainga niya para mas marinig ako.

He nodded slowly after hearing me out and said, “Ah! I heard it clearly. You said yes to my offer.”

Wow, Selective hearing.

I rolled my eyes to him. I don’t wanna argue. I know Japan is my priority but I don’t know. I need to sort things out first.

But I want to ask him why he wants to travel right now? He just quit his job after staying there for years.

Is he doing it to move on? For a new beginning? Or to meet new people?

I don’t know what his objective behind this.

But I will know…I think.