Heart Versus Mind

Besties

I shut my eyes, tried to block the thoughts and wished that sleep would come. It was 3a.m and I had not been able to get as much as a good 5 minutes kip.

These thoughts just wouldn’t go away, they kept gnawing away at my guts. I could practically feel it. So I opened my eyes again and resumed counting of ceilings; I could almost tell how many pieces of nail there were. The questions continued to play themselves out in mind as I rolled from one side to the other, then to default position on my back again.

The argument continued inside of me; a heated argument between my mind and my heart and there was sign of truce anywhere in sight. I just continued to toss as the battle raged.

“What do I do, where do I begin, we’ve been friends for so long how do I tell her now how I feel about her? This is going to ruin everything. It’s a risk I can’t take. We’ve come a long way and I don’t want to lose her friendship just because I couldn’t control my emotion; just because I suddenly developed feelings.”

“No man I didn’t just develop feelings, it has been there for a long time, I have just managed to suppress it all along.”

“Well since I’ve done a good job in suppressing it maybe I should keep it that way, continue to hide the true feeling and simple play friends. But how long can I keep this up? It’s eating me up, killing me slowly, driving me nuts.”

The fight continued as I got out of bed. I look out of the window, the first light of day was beginning to shine through the curtains. I glanced the bedside clock; just a few minutes before 4a.m. ‘Oh God! When will this torment end?’ I thought to myself. It has become a regular occurrence, I sit up all night thinking about what is and what could be. It was like a rock tied to my neck, pulling me steadily down this ocean and I just get away from it.

“I need to get this over with ”. The argument continued. “I have to tell her”.

“But what I am experiencing now it’s child’s play compared to what it’ll be if I tell her and she freaks and stops being friends with me. I will be crushed, devastated. I can risk it, I can’t ruin our friendship with my selfish interests”.

“What devastation is worse than this?” Instinctively, I found myself walking towards the standing mirror in my room. What I saw in the mirror made me cringe, like a character from a scary movie; sunken blood-red eyes, unkempt hair, days worth of unshaven beards. Succinctly put; I was a mess. I had to put an end to this. Besides she might even feel the same way for me.

“Hahahaha! Dude don’t deceive yourself, to her you can’t be more than just a friend. So bury your feelings and enjoy your ‘bestie’ title”.

“No! This feeling is so strong to be buried like that. There’s only one way to know how she feels, once she gets back to town I’ll meet her and tell her about my feeling and be ready to face the outcome. It’ll be better than dying here in silence”.

The mind seemed to conceded defeat to the heart at the moment. With the new-found resolve, I walked to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and tried to arrange the hair, then I returned to the room and lay back on the bed. ‘I will talk to her, tell her I love and I want us to be more than friends’. ‘I will do it, I can do it, I have to do it’.

I kept repeating the sentences as if, somehow they would help me muster up enough courage for the task ahead. A while later my eyes began to feel lead-heavy and I began to drift off. Finally, sleep.

Suddenly the phone began to ring. Arrrggh! Who could this be by this time? I checked the clock; 5:14 a.m. Sluggishly I picked up the phone, my heart skipped a beat when I saw the caller ID. ‘Speak of the devil…. ‘ I muttered under my breath as I picked the phone.

“Boo boo”. The voice had a timbre that was distinctively peculiar. “Did I wake you?”

“Of course not, I was out in the field playing football. What did you think?”.

“See your mouth, you’re not happy I’m calling you. How many fine girls have called you since this week”.

“Please I don’t have strength for your troubles. What can I do for you?” My heart was racing but I just managed to keep my composure.

“I’m coming to town this morning and I’ll stop by your place to drop my stuff, stay a while to keep your lazy ass company before leaving later in the evening. So expect me by 9 a.m and make sure there’s breakfast”.

“Whatever”.

“Thanks bestie”. She clicked off.

I jumped out of bed and started arranging the room. That was the end of the sleep. In one hour the whole place was sparkling. Next I rushed to the bathroom to freshen up before hurriedly preparing jollof rice. Luckily I had food stuff left. All these activities did little to quench the foreboding I felt. I was happy she was coming over, at the same time I was scared and unsure how it would turn out. Well in a few hours I’ll find out.

The food was ready, the room cleaned, hair combed, beards shaved, the lines had been rehearsed a hundred times over; I was set. True to self she arrived just on time, we hugged, made small talks, chatted, ate, joked, fought. Then it was time to get down to business. She noticed my mood change and asked what was wrong. I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words, all the confidence buildup and rehearsals didn’t work.

“Dude say something or close your mouth before fly enters”.

“I love you”. The words flew out of my mouth so fast I didn’t even realize it. And it hit her like a bullet, it took her a moment to figure out what hit her. Her reaction, however, shocked me. She burst into a hysterical laughter. Then she went silent, her facial expressions changed. My heart began to palpitate vigorously. ‘I knew it, I’ve messed up, she’s freaking out. She’s gonna hate me now. I shouldn’t have done this’. With the myriads of thoughts running through my mind in split second I just wished the ground would open and swallow me.

My heart stopped as she opened her mouth to speak.

“Is this why you’re looking so grim like you want to die?”. I didn’t know how to respond. “I know you love me, we’re friends, aren’t we? We can’t be best friends if we didn’t love each other. Right? “

“Yes, you’re right, but that is not what I mean. I love you so much, I’ve always loved you from the start and I want us to be more than friends. Will you be my girlfriend?” My voice shook as I spoke the last sentence.

Another burst of laughter. I couldn’t stand it this time. “Why are you laughing? I’m serious here, it’s not a joke”.

“Come here smallie”. She took my hand and drew closer. “I thought you were never going to ask. I’ve waited for this day to come. What took you so long”.

She threw her arms around me. “Yes I’ll be your girlfriend”.