Midnight Smiles

\"I\'m a lidhard nidhaa?\"

Well if that wasn't weird I don't know what it was. But he was right... I don't know. The problem is that I have to make things right. For myself, my brother and... And for my Ry. She deserves better than what I am offering her.

I'm offering her a drugged guy. That is far from what she deserves. She has the most kind heart on earth. The is funny. Pretty... Smart... Secretly crazy... A Weirdo... She is shy, but at the same time she isn't. Clumsy... Strong...

Maybe I should go and see her...

And that was the perfect time for the first sunshine to fall straight on my face, like trying to mock me. Ha ha ha. Very funny. I didn't get to see my Ry tonight. I got it. Stupid sun. I have gotten stuck in the shadows.

I clicked my tongue out at the sun rising.

"Apchoooo!" Yeah I know I'm sick. This sucks.

***

My dramatic leaving from the house, was easier and made me feel like a drama queen. And my dramatic enter... Well it wasn't that dramatic. Actual it was dramatically awkward. And I was kind of trying to sneak in, so I didn't have to face with Aiden.

My prayers were heard, because I didn't face him. Actually I faced the Devil himself. My dearest father. Great. I should have prayed for not facing anyone.

"Where were you?" My so sweet father asked with such a sweet voice making me feel so good and warm inside, I wanted to die from the happiness. In return I gave him a look showing him how much I loved him.

The translation: My father glared at me and asked me with a cold tone, and since I was so in mood (the translation of that is that I wasn't in mood at all), I gave him a flat look.

"Oh you know..." I dragged my words faking a smile on my face. Those freaking fake smiles had became a second nature of me. And that aside was worth worrying about. "Hitting the clubs, took some drugs... Hooked a prostitute and married her. Actually I'm bringing her home to introduce you guys with her. She is a sweet girl, but a beast in bed." I feel very sarcastic today. Why is that so?

"Stop playing games with me young boy." My father glared at me. Oh I can feel the love. Good to know that I was returning him his favour.

"I think we went past that 'young boy' phase. You know... I'm twenty years old now. Or did you forgot my last ten birthdays, father." If I keep faking that smile, my cheeks will hurt soon. Never mind. They already started to hurt.

My father ignored my last sentence and looked at me with no emotions on his face. His eyes were cold like ice, and just looking into them, I felt the urge to sneeze again.

"Apcooo!" I sneezed on my father's face, as his eyes closed and his lips formed a straight line. Way to go Jake. The next time try to puke on his face as well. Just to colour that dull soul of his.

"Then start acting like a twenty year old." He whipped my saliva off his face with the corner of his sleeve. His eyes gave me one last glare before he walked away.

"And what's the fun in that?" I asked behind his back. He murmured something in return, but I didn't understand what was it.

Now...

Back to mission avoid Aiden.

Now, I know I fought with my brother, and just did the same thing with my father two seconds ago, and I went through my depression phase over again, trying to avoid panic attacks, but strangely I was in mood. And when I say I was in mood I mean that kind of mood where I act like a child and a freaking weirdo without the help of the drugs. It is pretty fun if you ask me.

So...

Here I am, trying to get in my room, by acting like a f*****g awesome ninja. Yeah you read it right. I am a ninja. HA IAAA!

I leaned against the wall of the hallway and looked at both of my sides.

"Clear." I whispered and rolled down on the floor, almost braking my neck while at it. Instead of getting up again, I stood lied down on the floor, since I was too lazy to get up. That and I couldn't get up since I pulled a muscle. I should work out more often.

Still not getting up, since it was so not in my to do list for the moment, I dragged myself to my room, like a lizard. For some reasons, as I thought of lizards, I stuck my tongue out in the air imitating one. Seriously this is insane. But it is so much fun.

I need coffee.

"Jake! What are you doing?"

My body froze. Even my tongue froze out of my mouth. What a view to see. Especially if you add the fact that I was still on the floor. I raised my head with my tongue still out, and saw Aiden with a worried look on his face.

He thinks I took the drugs again doesn't he?

"I'm a lidhard nidhaa?" I rolled my eyes and put the tongue back in my mouth. "I'm a lizard ninja?"

"Did you take those pills again?" Like I said. He thinks I'm high.

I stood up, fixing my clothes and smiled flatly at him. "No my dear brother. I haven't taken 'the pills' again. It takes more than you talking about our mother like she is nobody, to make me take my 'pills' again." I glared at him and entered my room, slamming the door behind me.

Oh yeah! I'm cool.

The door opened again as I walked towards my bed. I turned around and looked at Aiden standing on my door frame nervously. Good to know he feels uneasy. He should.

"Jake!" Aiden started to say, but I cut him off.

"What is that voice? I hear voices in my room." I looked around the room, like trying to find out where the voice came from. Aiden rolled his eyes and me and gave me a pleading look. I ignored it. What? I had the right to be angry at him. He didn't have any right to talk about my mother in that way. Not after all she had been through. Not after what she did for him.

"Jake, please, I'm..."

"Oh joy! The voice again." I cut him off again doing a perfect imitation of Jack Sparrow.

"Jake, please. I'm sorry." He said with one breath. Smirking at him I looked him in his eyes as I walked closer to him.

"Don't yore talk about her in that way again." I growled, dropping my smirk. Aiden was looking at the floor, not daring to see me in the eye. Coward.

"I'm sorry. I know what I said is wrong. It's just... I'm tired of seeing you in this kind of condition. You don't even try to heal your wounds." His eyes came to me and I saw worry in them. I know he cares. We are brothers. True we had different mothers, since my father wanted to play lovers with Aiden's mother and got her pregnant with Aiden. The b***h ditched him on our front door. But my mother... She had a great heart. She learned to forgive my father and took care of Aiden like he was her son. She loved us both equally. That's why I felt horrible when Aiden talked like that about the only woman he knew as his mother.

"I'm trying, bro. You just don't see it." I smiled at him sadly and that caught him off guard.

***

"There is hope for us yet

We can die like the heroes before us

Or live to be the wicked ones

The wicked ones we're running from

Nobody's s gonna believe

When you say you're turning the page

Cause you never put up a real fight

So shut up and make it right

Shut up and make it right

Singing "oh, take cover, take cover"

Singing "oh, take cover, take cover"

Secrets don't make friends

We make love, and love falls apart

Singing "oh, take cover"

From our future hearts" I sang with a low voice the lyrics of "Take Cover" by All Time Low, as I walked alone down the empty streets. It was so peaceful. And somehow I was in a good mood. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was going to see my Ry.

I can't say I came in good terms with Aiden, since I was having troubles to find it in me to forgive him for his words, but I knew it wouldn't last long. In the end I will just pretend this never happened. I won't say to him that I forgave him, or say sorry or I don't know. I will just act like he never said those words, like we never fought. The best thing to do is to forget it.

For some silly reasons, I found myself fixing my clothes and asking myself if I looked good when I was under Ry's window. Like she would notice anything in darkness anyway.

The window was closed. Smiling, I took a deep breath and knocked. I heard footsteps coming closer to the window and opened it. Without saying any words to Ry, I got in the room and pulled my hoodie off my face, when I was away from the light and smirked at her.

The lights from the street fell on her face, and I couldn't help and think how beautiful she was, smiling at me...

"Hi!" I said and walked to her. Now I know I'm crazy, but I don't know what came to me as I wrapped my arms around her, pulling my Ry in a hug. It felt so good and her sweet scent filled my nostrils making my mouth water. I loved her scent...

"Hi!" She whispered near my ear. Jake let go you i***t. Awkwardly, hoping she wouldn't notice it, I let go of her and stared at her smiling face.

"You look happy my Ry. Can I know the reason?" Her smile froze for a few seconds like she got lost in her thoughts. That got me worried. Did I say something I shouldn't? I didn't want to be the reason why she frowned. I know it sounds stupid coming from someone like me, but I wanted to be the reason why she smiled. Like she was mine. She was the reason why smiles were back in my life.

"Just happy to see you..." Oh the joy her lie made me feel. I knew she was lying. Because I knew she mattered to me more that I did to her. So it was just stupid to get caught in those lies.

"Bad Ry! You can't lie to me." I didn't want it to be a lie. My whole being wanted with all my heart to be true. But it wasn't. "Tell me the truth. Was it a boy?" I teased her. Please don't be a boy. Why am I wishing to don't be a boy? She has a life. I have a freaking life. But now my life exist just so I could enjoy this midnights. But there was something... Something I never felt before in my heart. It was some kind of a sweet pain, but it still hurt. Maybe not that much and it wasn't the kind of pain I was used too. It was different.

"Why would you think that?" She laughed nervously. I frowned at her. So it is a guy. Great! Here goes my mood. Goodbye! I will miss you. f**k.

"Why? Is it true?" Why am I even asking her. I know it is true. Unlike me she had a really life. She wasn't involved in a world of darkness. In a world with pain and drugs. My life is like a black cavance. But she was the colours added on it. She gave me colours in my life again. And I didn't want to loose it. I didn't want anyone to take her from me.

"I have a girl friend to talk about my boy problems Midnight." She answered grinning at me, obviously being proud answer. A smile formed on my lips at her childish act.

"So you like a boy." I said that more to myself than to her, but it made her body froze. Holy f*****g s**t! Kill me. What am I even doing? I don't have the right to get involved in her life. I don't have the right to ask her about the guy she likes, especially when I feel like choking the life out of the guy since that feeling shouldn't even be in me. I don't have the right to feel this way.

"I will talk to you about the boy I like, when you will talk me about a girl you like." Ry said with confidence grinning at me. That caught me off guard. My body froze and I don't know. .. I felt like someone hit me with a brick on my head. Why did I react like this?

Was it because I liked her a few years ago?

If she knew that I liked her back in high school, she would probably think I'm some kind of a stalker or a psychopath obsessed with her. She wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. Things would get creepy in her eyes. And that was added to my list of "Why I can't tell Ry who I am".

Those feelings in the high school were stupid and I pushed them aside. It was the right thing to do. Someone like me, living with demons doesn't deserve to like anyone. Besides... I haven't talked to any female for over three years. Of course if you don't count Ry and Natalie. How could I like a girl, when I never talked to her?

But for masochistic reasons I kept teasing her. "Maybe that day will came faster than you think." I walked closer to her, feeling sad inside. Feeling blue and cold. I know that didn't make sense, but that's the only way I could describe my feelings in those moments. "And maybe you will have to tell me about the guy you like. A lot of things can happen in a small amount of time Ry." We were closer and it would be better for me to back off, especially after I could feel her breath hitting my lips and her delicious scent felling my nostrils. It was like I was addicted to her scent. It made me carve for more.

But I liked being close to her.

After my mom died, my house never felt like home to me again. It was just an empty place... Hunted by ghosts of the past. Those ghosts scared the crap out of me and made even my soul bleed from the pain. But here... So close to her... It was like I was having that warm feeling of being belonged to some place. I had that warm feeling, that being in your home gives you.

"I mean look at us..." You mean to me more than everything, I wanted to say, but stopped right there. We were friends. And I was pushing things way to far. This was stupid. Just stupid. "We are friends." I didn't like the taste of that word in my mouth. Friends. It didn't describe very well how much she means to me.

I looked Ry walking towards her bed leaving me there frozen in my place. My eyes were glued to her as she lied down on the corner of the bed and stared at the ceiling. A small smile was on her lips as she was probably playing with her thoughts and memories.

I loved how she was so peaceful. The way she talked to me... The way she acted so childish and mature at the same time. It was something so unique it made me feel weird inside. How was it possible, I was in her life?

You broke in her room. A voice said flatly to me and I rolled my eyes at that.

That was a mistake I would never regret. I had her in my life. I knew it wouldn't last, but I wanted to enjoy it as much as I could. She is here... I am here... The future could wait. I just want the present.

I walked to her bed and lied next to her, not being able to stay away from her. "I know that I last saw you..." I stopped talking... How could I tell her how much she meant to me? I wanted her to know. And secretly I was hoping it would change something. I don't know what, but I wanted something to change. For the first time since I can't remember I really wanted with all my stupid useless broken heart for a changing. "Just a while ago, countable hours," More like two days ago. "but I missed you."

I noticed her lips smiling at the ceiling. My heart started to play with me when her smile turned to me. It reacted immediately and I didn't even know the reason why.

"I missed you too." Her sincere voice made me smile. "I'm happy I have you in my life Midnight."

And my heart started to play again with me. It was like it was beating for the first time. The painting I made the first time I met her crossed my mind.

I barely managed to keep my voice as normal as I could to answer her. "I'm happy to have you in my life as well Ry."

A feeling of shock hit me, almost leaving me breathless at my words. I am happy?

The last time I ever used that word was before my mother died, a long time ago and I can't even remember why I used it for. But after she died, I wasn't even able to say that word, and now... She made me say it so freely. And I felt it.

I really felt it.

I was happy.

She made me happy.