Fighting Instincts

Chapter Twenty - Beta's Anger

If ever asked I would say Derek was the quick to jump to emotions of the two leaders of this pack. This observation would be due to the lack of emotional rage I saw from Zen. Though the beta had sympathy in some regard, he clearly was not one to wear his emotions on his sleeve. Derek, well, I could read him a slight bit more than Zen. Though I did understand he was also showing emotion to cover the emotion he really felt. A sort of mask but also a way of keeping others from panic in bad situations, or calm when emotions were more angered. The suddenly flip of a switch from Zen with no real reason was startling, frightening almost. A rage filling every pore, every muscle, and a flash in his eyes stilled me. I shuttered when the glass shattered against the wall, freezing in my seat because I feared even breathing would upset him further.

After throwing the pale gray mug still holding the golden and red soup at the wall behind me, created a crime scene of splotters and broken glass I could imagine he hissed "gladly, before storming off. The slamming door had me jump in my skin again. Oddly, I was still able to pick out the near silent way he moved from his spot to the door despite his size and emotion. He didn't stomp, meaning he had some control even then. Training had created a perfect warrior, well sort of. I peeked up, without moving, at Derek. The male sat back in his seat, looking after Zen's trail before he turned back to me. By then I refocused on my cup. A few green flecks floated in the soup. Whoever made it had done so by scratch. I could see the uneven reds and oranges from the tomatoes. I could see the lightening from the cream used to thin the paste. It smelled wonderful and I was hungry so I took a small sip. My lips touched the warm mug and my taste buds exploded with the rich cream and tomato but also a hint of something more.

As if reading my thoughts Derek began to chat, as if it had ever only been he and I sitting down to lunch. "Brian enjoys a good meal. He finds it an amusing challenge turning even rabbit food into a high protein meal.”

I simply nodded to show I was listening and took a moment to dip my sandwich into my mug and take a bite. It was heaven to my aching stomach. It really was the perfect pairing. I took a couple more bites. Derek studied me then picked up the final mug and took a sip. “Sylvaline, I have nothing against your parents. They did what they felt was right to keep you safe. I admit I don't agree with the way they handled things, BUT,” he emphasized when I was about to interject. “I understand from the point of view. Werewolves were a figment of their imagination until they found you. A world they believe was fantasy had been given concrete evidence and it can be a lot to take in.”

I nodded, pleased he wasn't going to throw my parents under the bus with all the bad parents because they weren't up to his standards. “I think they did well, you aren't a lose cannon we have to fear and I believe if you decided to stay a city wolf, you wouldn't be a threat to the pack I would have to handle later. It doesn't mean I think you should be a city wolf, all things considering. I also think being with a pack will help you come to terms with some of your instincts you struggle with.”

“I just want a normal life,” I said.

Derek nodded solemnly. “Its hard to say you will ever get that in the terms you are thinking. You were raised a human but truth is you aren't. Your way of thinking means you would reach the sense of normal you grown up with. I can offer you a sense of normal expected of a were. A sense of normal to protect yourself and the society of wolves we all have to protect.”

I had a lot of things come crashing down in that moment. Tears slowly feel along my cheeks and I brushed them away after I put my sandwich back on its plate. I reached for a napkin, putting my mug back on the tray and dabbed at my eyes. Hoping I could just continue the deep breaths and keep calm. I thought about Derek's words and in the back of my mind something clicked. He was right and I had been denying it. I tried not to make a sound. The world blurred as the tears welled and the plate on my lap was removed. Suddenly I was wrapped in warmth. My shoulders shook and the dam broke. I clung to the warmth. Soothing circles were rubbed on my back and as comforting as it was there was the pang of reminder of my lost family.

After a while I finally stopped blocking out everything around me. Derek smelled like a fresh rain in a forest. The scent was soothing me in a why I couldn't explain. His finger tips were still circling around on my back. At some point he had pulled me into his lap. My head was against his chest and my head under his chin. I sniffed and removed my hands from his shirt to my eyes so I could wipe the last of the tears away.

“Feeling better?” he asked softly. How many people had seen this side of Derek I pondered. I tucked the thought away as I nodded and slip from Derek's lap with an apology. He cleared his throat and nodded. “Alphas have many roles. Think nothing of it. Would you like to eat now?”

I looked at the sandwich, abandoned and though it was likely to be cold I nodded. I was hungry. Itook a seat in his previous chair, seemed only fair as he was in mine. Derek didn't bother to ask anything. He ate in silence and merely studied me. My thoughts were buried within. I wasn't human and I was clinging to the image for so long. If I acted as a were would I be a disappointment to the parents who raised me? Would I be happier? It had all been a mix of wordless emotions and I didn't know how I was moving forward but I knew I had to let go if I wanted to move forward. If one thing had become certain in the few days I had been here it was the sense of belonging.

“I want to join the pack,” I whispered softly. “I want to learn to be a werewolf because...” I hesitated. Why? Because I wanted more control? Because I wasn't human? Because I didn't know what else to do?

“You don't need a reason Sylva. Are you sure you don't want to think about it more?”

I nodded. Today I had finally accepted the dark thoughts I had been having for a while. I had been living my life wrong for so long it was my natural instinct to deny my true instincts. As a human I would never find out the why to my parent's murder. If I couldn't accept all of myself fully in that moment I could at least accept this statement. “I'm sure,” I said with a firm nod of affirmation.

“Welcome to the pack Sylvaline. We can go over the details tomorrow what that entails but feel free to tell whoever you wish.”

“Thanks,” I said and stood, having finished my sandwich, well two, and the mug of soup, I was now sated and wanted to leave so I could think without being chaperoned. Derek moved with me towards the door and as I opened it I turned back to Derek. “If I am not just a werewolf will I be kicked out or killed?”

“We accept half breeds here. Though their kinds are rare, we accept them into our pack provided they abide by the pack rules. Sylvaline, you will be protected no matter what we learn of you. Pack is family. We protect family.”

I smiled, my worse fear being brushed away. I had a family again. Not one I ever expected to be a part of and they wouldn't replace the family I had for so long. Still they would be mine and I could find a place to belong here.