MING LAN

Chapter Seven: Grieving

“Keong. It’s me. Grandma. She did not wake up this morning. She is already cold when I touch her. Please, come over. I need you with me.”

“Have you called the hospital or any doctor?” I asked her after hearing the shocking news early in the morning from Ming Lan. She is alone right now. I can imagine how sad she is.

“Yes. I already called our family doctor. He’s coming. Please drive safely. I need you here with me.”

Two weeks ago, Amma was still fine. I was at the house for my break, to be with Ming Lan. Now she is by herself, very sad about losing her grandma. The person who loved and cared for her since she can remember.

I let my Dad know about it as gently as I can, worrying a little. “Appa. Ming Lan called me just now. Amma did not wake up. Amma is gone in her sleep. Let’s go there, to accompany Ming Lan.”

I call out to Nancy, the cook. “Nancy, please pack up for my father and yourself. We’re going to Amma’s house. She is gone. Ming Lan is alone there.” I slowly eat my breakfast, waiting for my two passengers to get ready. My heart hurts for her at the moment.

Ming Lan is sad and quiet from the time I arrived with my father. Her eyes are red, swollen and wet all the time. Keeping close to me the moment I arrived. I will keep her company for a week with Appa.

The doctor came and certified Amma’s death. I meet him talking to Ming Lan as he is leaving. The doctor explains to me what to do.

I took the letter from the doctor to the police-station to make a police report. I asked the officer there who I should contact for the funeral. He gladly gives me a phone number. I give it a call immediately and introduce myself. Then explains to him about Amma’s death. Giving him the house address, he promised to see us at the house address.

I accompany Ming Lan, going through the funeral and meeting the visitors from the neighbourhood and Ming Lan’s group of people from the school. No one asks me who I am. My father stayed on after the funeral, too sad to leave seeing Ming Lan like that, reminding me to take care of his daughter. He knows that I love her by now, without me telling him.

Ming Lan is feeling very down and not talking as usual. I make sure she eats three meals a day, bathes, and changes clothes. Let her lay on my bed, patting her to sleep at times. Sometimes let her snuggle onto me sleeping. I just let her be, as long as I can keep her calm. It was a terrible blow for her, with her grandma leaving her suddenly like that.

Ming Lan was absent from work for the week. Her headmaster helped her with her leave form. She signed the form her school clerk brought her that day.

I have to call Ah Seng to pick up my father back home to the city. This sad aura is bad for him. I pity him looking sad everyday. I do not know how to console him. Ming Lan is not herself to do that.

“Do you want to follow me to the city? Work there?” I ask, hugging her waist when she hugs me hanging on my neck swaying herself left and right a little, playfully looking up at me. The traces of tears are still there. Her eyes are less swollen. She shakes her head. “I want you here with me.” She says placing her face on my chest, her hand on my backhead with her eyes closed. “How good to stay like this everyday.”

She has been like that with me almost every night, not when Amma was still around. I follow her mood, keeping her happy. She is going to be very lonely all by herself later, so I let her do what she wants to do, not crossing the boundary at the same time. I have two more days to accompany her.

“You can. We can. Follow me to the city. I can always hug you the way you want, day and night. But staying here, I have to go back to work. You have to work too. Father will get worried, about me, about you, about us together here, with no one else. Only two of us are in the house. A father would naturally get worried. Leaving his grown up son and daughter alone.” I peck her cheek, looking at her tempting lips half close.

“You’re a good brother to me. If only you’re not my brother….. How nice ....” She snuggles on.

“Oh, Ming Lan!...” I hug her tightly this time with my cheek on her head, sighing. I can only sigh with my heart pumping hard. “I wish for the same thing. Ohhh… I love you Ming Lan.” I sigh. I want to tell how much I love her but it is not time for me to tell her yet.

Her head is still not clear, losing her grandma so suddenly. I have to wait for the perfect time to tell the truth. I’m not adding anything to her right now. Caressing her back up and down, nothing more I dare to do. I peck her cheek, “You need to rest. Let’s go up. Let me check the doors.”

She tails me close, hugging my back to her. With her head on my back I can hardly walk but move slowly. Switching off all the lights, taking her hand going upstairs. Obviously she is still feeling very down, the seventh day. Should I leave her by herself here tomorrow?

“Sleep now. I’ll wait until you fall asleep.” I lay beside her on my back looking up at the ceiling. A little worried over her behaviour earlier. She is not her usual self tonight. Me too. I close my eyes, feeling her fingers running on my arm. “Sleep Ming Lan. We’ll talk again tomorrow.” I turn and pat her shoulder to sleep.

Only God knows how hard it is for me holding back everything. My heart very much wants me to hug her while sleeping beside her. Much later, I feel myself drifting away slowly. I found myself waking up in her bed with her leg and arm hugging me. I lay still not to wake her up, liking her hug.

Later she wakes up blinking at me then quickly gets off me and leaves me. She is in the bathroom, hearing the tap water running. I get up and go to my room. I bathe too.

“Want me to send you to school?” I ask her early in the morning.

“No. No need. I want to see you again before you drive back.” She holds my face, gazing into my eyes and pecks my cheek before she gets onto her motorbike.

I smile at her. She starts the motorbike. I move closer to her, hold her face and kiss her lips for the first time. She is stunned when I let go of her, and rides out of the gate without turning back.

Her mind must be chaotic. Will she be alright at work? Alone at home? I hope so. I’ll cook something for her before I leave today. Suddenly feeling sad inside and a sudden pain pricks my heart again and again. I breathe in deeply and the pain lessens slowly. I’m leaving. Will she be alright? Will she cry?

Ming Lan has accepted the fact that her grandma is gone. She does a lot of thinking at school. She has to do something with her life now. Her father wants her to move to the city staying with him. Now that her grandma is not around anymore, there is no reason for her to stay on by herself here. Knowing that her father would not allow her to stay back by herself.

She sees that she has to listen to her father, which is not what she wants. It has been worrying her all week, sad over losing her grandma too. Then she remembers Keong kissing her this morning. Her heart is disturbed. ‘That is not right. He’s my brother. How can he do that to me?’ That is her second problem to tackle.

Seeing her pupils in class takes her off her worry for a while. Her staff treats her as usual, consoling her and advising her not to stay alone which would only add to her grief and for her own safety too.

Ming Lan sees some sense in her senior colleagues' words. They are mostly her seniors with families. She has made up her mind to go travelling. She knows it is hard for her to face her days by herself, to eat and sleep by herself.

All she knows is she is not ready to move in with her father. She has to get away for a while. She wants to be by herself somewhere else to overcome her chaotic mind.

With nothing to do, I cleaned up the house for her, not that it is dirty. I vacuum the floor. Mop and throw the rubbish in a plastic bag. I wash all the used bed sheets in every room. Then I cook grilled fish and grilled chicken, her favourite menu for lunch.

I take my bath, put on my pants and T-shirt. Pack all my belongings into the car boot. Lying on the sofa waiting for her to come back from school. Leaving my phone and car key on the coffee table. Thinking about how I am going to leave without her crying. I know she will cry.

Oh! It is hard on me to leave her alone like that. All by herself in the house. Can she stay on? What will happen? I have to work anyway. I was already absent for a week. There must be loads of paperwork waiting for me.

Ming Lan comes back in a better mood than yesterday. Come running into the house. “Oh. Hello. What’s that nice smell?” She rushes to the kitchen. I get up, sitting on the sofa.

“Come. Let’s eat. I’m hungry.” She washes her hands and is scooping rice into two plates. Put a fork and spoon on each side. I walk in lazily. She did not even hug me today. This morning she was very down. Now, such a bright face. What got into her. I wonder. I joined her in the kitchen sitting at the dining table.

We eat in silence. She seems to enjoy the grilled fish and chicken I made. A recipe I got from youtube. Feeling proud of myself for cooking her a happy dish.

Ming Lan tidies the table, washes the plates. “What time are you leaving?” She asks, coming out of the kitchen, wiping her hands dry.

“Anytime now.” I say, watching her.

“Oh. So soon.” She turns to look at me, a sad face suddenly. “Mmm. You have to go back somehow. See you some other time then.” She hugs me, kisses me on my cheek and looks me in the eyes, sadly. I take the chance to kiss her tempting lips again, surprisingly she responds then quickly lets go of me and hurries upstairs. She did not come down after long.

Is it because of my kiss? I just cannot hold on anymore. The urge is too great, to kiss her tempting lips. I wait for her to come down, see me off like always but no sign of her. I start my engine to leave, turning back to see her. But there is no sign of her. I just left the house. I am coming again but I did not tell her about it.

I came to see her again on the weekend. Ming Lan is quiet all the while. Not even a word of hello to me. Not talking much like before. She cooks, I eat. She makes use of her shed. Barbeque there twice. Sitting on the cement bench she made, strummed her guitar. Not so close to me anymore, lately. Seems like distancing herself to me.

Thinking that she is trying to get used to being alone again, I let her be. I have limited time hanging around with her anyway. Is it because of the kisses? I have no way of finding out, dare not ask.

I have to go home, to go away for a week, forgetting to inform her. The second week I come she is not at home. I called her up. ”I’m on a vacation. It’s my school term holiday. I’m oversea.” Not saying where. I leave the house after staying all by myself for a day. How can she not tell me about it? It is hurting inside me. I take a deep breath a few times and it gets better. Feeling relief.

Ming Lan is having a dilemma in her heart and mind. She too had fallen in love with Akeong. She has tested herself and admits that she is in love with Akeong. Always trying her best not to overdo things with him, while her heart is fighting inside over right and wrong to treat a brother that way. She feels ashamed of herself for having such a feeling for her brother.

She somehow chose to get away from him before she totally lost herself over him. She has to escape without making it obvious. She has to lie, giving herself time to tackle her heart problems. She feels guilty in responding to his kiss that day. ‘He is my brother. How can he do that to me? And I kiss him back. Oh my God. What happened?’

I get busy with my left behind work and nurse my own feelings. Ming Lan seldom replies to my texts lately. Telling me she has not come back yet for the second week. “I won’t be home so soon. I’m travelling by myself now. I can take care of myself. Don’t worry.” That is what she texts me after torturing me. Did my kiss drive her away?

I have not seen Ming Lan for a month. Impossible for her to go on tour that long, she has to work. I called her school and was shocked to know that she had changed her school. My heart skipped a beat, with blood rushing to my face. Feeling hot all of a sudden. Ming Lan! My heart cries out. Why didn’t you tell me? What is happening here?

I begin searching for her high and low. No one in her new school knows where she is staying. I did not tell my father about it. I keep on trying to solve it on my own, looking for her by myself.

She turns off her phone when I ask where she is staying and with whom. Refusing to let me know further. She is not picking up my calls anymore. It really worries me. I search for her all over her neighbourhood after lunch hour, whenever I have time.

The second month I saw her in the new town by herself. She is parking her red motorbike in front of a restaurant. I followed her into the restaurant. Then sat in front of her, taking her by surprise. She just stares at me. I feel like s******g her, like shaking her, like hugging her, like kissing her. Full of mixed feelings for putting me in such a worrying heart torturing state for months.

‘Why did you do all these? Why did you lie to me? What wrong have I done to you that you treat me this way?’ Those are the questions I have, popping out of my mind at the moment. But it can wait. Let us eat before anything else, I am hungry too. I order my food and eat while watching her with those mixed feelings, very disturbing indeed inside of me.

We do not talk.

Ming Lan herself has been fighting with her own feelings over her brother. She loves him more than a brother and does not know what to do herself. Feeling so helpless, she escapes and hides away. Nursing her own heart. Keeps on telling herself ‘I cannot love Akeong that way. He’s my brother. My father’s son’. Telling herself it is wrong again and again, to fall in love with her own brother.

She runs and hides away. Hoping to get over that feeling but it is not helping. She just cannot put Akeong out of her mind. She loves him and that is the truth she is trying to deny.

Ming Lan is really hiding from Keong. Trying to forget him. She does not want to see him nor have anything to do with him anymore. Nor intending to go back to her father’s house. She cannot stay in that house anymore, with him around. She wants to be alone, by herself.

Going back to Amma’s house would be too much for her, staying alone there. She is renting with a friend and back to teaching in her new school. She feels more peaceful being by herself.

Ming Lan eats quietly, fighting her own feelings inside. Now not knowing what to say to Keong, sitting in front of her. Both of them eat in silence.

I take her to my car and take her for a long drive. I am controlling my anger, my sadness, my emotion. I cannot speak feeling choked inside. I stop by the roadside safely, when we are about to reach another town. Not really knowing where we are now. I turn to her, look at her and open my mouth. I blurt out all the questions which come to my mind at the moment. Tears in my eyes now.

’Why is she so cruel? Doing this to me?. Lying….?’ My heart really hurts all of a sudden, suffocating me as I cry.

Ming Lan sits quietly. Not answering my questions. She cries too. Both of us cry in the car. I could not hold back anymore. I turned towards her, “Don’t you know that I love you? Why are you hurting me like this? Making things difficult for me, for everyone. I cannot work properly. I can't think straight. Can’t work properly. Can’t sleep well. Always thinking of you. Worrying about you. You keep running away. I’m really hurt by you. I’m hurt. Here!” I patted my chest letting out my emotions.

Then I keep quiet, so does she. We are both sobbing softly with the running nose. Using up almost all of the tissue papers on the dashboard.

“Go home with me. Appa wants to see you.” I said, inhaling deeply looking in front. I turn to look at her.

She looks at me, not saying anything to me. Just her red eyes staring at me. Then she nods. I drove her home to my father in my car immediately.

She quickly gets out of my car and leaves me, walking into the house. I followed her in after locking my car. She walks up to her room, not even acknowledging my Dad, who is sitting at his usual seat. He turns and looks at her walking up the stairs. I see him shaking his head slowly.