Underneath The Riptide

Chapter Three

I am staring blankly while waiting for a bus going home when I notice how busy the streets tonight are. Lights coming from different vehicles cascades different tones and horns of public utility vehicles filled all over the place. I am alone again tonight after sulking inside the library for the nth time after our two hour class earlier. I just messaged Meriam that I already went home so that they won't going to find me around the campus again but the truth is, I am just inside the library, trying to entertain myself and just scanned for literature that can help me on my thesis study.

I bow a little and notice tiny dirty spots on my white sneakers but I ignored it and look up to find a bus I can ride when going home.

"You know that I am not a fan of parties, right?" I heard someone speak from the two women who passed behind me.

"C'mon, Ericka! It's just for tonight. Lose for a chance, alright? Enjoy your teenage life for pete's sake!"

"I can just sleep all night inside my room and stream to my idols' music. Spotify..."

I then finally look at my left after I overheard those girls' conversation and I can't help but to smile on the latter's choice in life. I notice that the other girl pushes her friend lightly and they are already meters away from where I am standing.

I purse my lips.

Friends are really our own pressure.

It's a battle of spending enjoyment with them or just seek satisfaction and happiness alone — within yourself. I do not know if I should be thankful for having just few friends or get sad for not actually having a large circle that can make me laugh.

Those people are already enough for me after all...

Or maybe you just thought so. My subconscious mind exclaimed. You feel great and satisfied already with those people because you don't have a choice. You are just afraid meeting another people and so you stick and made yourself believe that you are fine with it.

I pouted a little. My mind is really this wide in terms of vision and that is why sometimes, I overthink things out and fall to some places I shouldn't stand at.

What can I do? I was raise being sensitive and my previous experiences made me like this.

Is it my fault growing like this?

The same question I often asked myself few years ago but until now, I still got no answers about it.

I feel so lost.

Shoving my thoughts away, I raise my head up and notice a man riding a bicycle across an intersection. He's wearing a mask and a plain white shirt then a pair of cargo shorts. My brows knotted on the sight of him so I am about to follow him when a sudden honk shocks the hell out of me.

"Hey, you want to die?!"

I bit my lip out of embarrassment so I hurriedly bow my head down to cover my face.

Damn it, Gabrielle! You almost hurt yourself again!

I slowly raise my head again and shove all of the things away. It's fine. I convince myself.

Another minutes passed and another bus stops in front of us—passengers— so I step in and find the nearest spot from the middle door. I sat next to the window and watch the city scape and busy vehicles on the street.

Now that we are moving already, I can clearly see different people from different places with different faces and emotions. I love how they shine despite the night and I envy them again for that.

I smile a little at my thoughts and chose to find my wallet inside my bag. I am scanning it for a minute already but I haven't got any trace of it.

I am sure I slid it here earlier!

As I am thoroughly scanning my stuff, a brown medium size journal caught my attention.

My heart races with the sight of my favorite thing since seven so I open it and stop in the middle of a particular date.

June 03, 2010

Hi diary! I am glad that Mom went home after her art gala for almost four days in Manila. I am excited to taste her recipes again and eat with Madi. She'll be home by six and I will wait for her in front of the door starting this time. I still got four hours to sit on this last step of the stairs.

A little smile formed on my lips while remembering how I love waiting for my Mom to go home that day. As I turn to the next page, the same date is written on it and from the sight of the first four words in that entry gives me the familiar chills.

June 03, 2010

Dad's on it again. I am crying while writing this inside my cabinet and I am even shaking. Mom came home earlier and I was so happy. We ate happily and Dad came to join us three. I thought...

I closed my journal immediately and chose not to continue reading the entry. Multiple memories flashes all over my head so I close my eyes and clear the lump in my throat to calm myself.

Relax. I reminded myself.

I put the journal next to me and just scan my wallet again inside. Tears are forming under my eyelids but it eventually falls back when the bus suddenly stops and enters a group of students on their maroon uniform.

They are laughing while they are scanning a seat behind me. I thought I will be riding the bus tonight without a seatmate but a man suddenly step to my side and drop his things in between us. I move my eyes a little and notice that it's a newspaper dated today with a headline of a famous author who was having a fan signing event earlier.

I cleared my throat and move a little to the other side and keep my wallet in my hands.

"HAHAHHAHA! Trisha even spoke out with her boyfriend in front of the class!"

"Remember when they also made a scene in front of Mrs. Goryeo and got detention for a day! Poor little thing."

The highschool students are very noisy and it made me more uncomfortable. I even forgot my earphones at home so I have no choice but to listen another mockery from other people.

I sighed.

"Yes, send the last edition to the publisher and I will try to check it out tomorrow. Yeah. I guess so. C'mon, Erick I'll find time!"

And now the man is making a call also. It's not even my intention to eavesdrop but his phone's volume is really full.

"I know you, Kai. You could write without experiencing everything yourse–"

"I am out. Bye."

He drop the phone on his side again so I move a little once more. Isn't he aware that I am still here?!

Without any choice left, I grab my phone from my bag and chose to scan in the internet for updates. It's been maybe two weeks since the last time I scroll in my oh-so-boring social media accounts. But when the bus pulled over, I look outside and saw the newest billboard hot topic — seven men on their suit attire.

Invincible Cirque.

I smile and stare at a particular man. Ziyoon Gibreel Cua. My ultimate breather for the last five years. I began supporting this group when I discovered how social media works and found them on every magazine and websites then discovered how they play music. They became my safest haven and their songs gives me hope that I can overcome and conquer all because I am a human capable of surviving and I deserve living the life I was dreaming for. I learnt so many things from them and it kinda help me with staying sane for the rest of my years of tragics.

I check for their social media accounts and got literally shock upon reading the update that they will be having a fan meeting in Araneta!

I exited the page and close my phone after realizing I couldn't be there like the usual thing. I suddenly remember my problems and the debts I still need to pay. It's been days but I couldn't find any work because of my triggering memories and anxieties.

I closed my eyes when my favorite music plays in the bus's stereo. I am humming in the first verse and stop eventually in the second verse.

It’s all winter here, even in August...

For another time, I glance up to look at the billboard and smile once more. Suddenly, I blew an air to the window and fogs immediately form so without any thoughts, I draw a heart-shaped and surprisingly, Ziyoon is accidentally inside of it.

I stare at it for a little while smiling and then it fades away after just few seconds.

For another twenty minutes being stuck inside, I thankfully move out from the bus and pay the driver before finally going out.

***

It's seven in the morning when I am already busy preparing our breakfast. I decided to take a day absent in class and use this day to find a job. Madi seems shock because I am still wearing my PJs but I just smiled at her. She didn't make any qualms about it so I am fine with it.

"Dad wasn't home again last night." Madi spoke while slicing her own omelet. "I am starting to get annoyed, Brie."

My jaw dropped on what I saw from Madi's reaction. She's hard to stop when she losses control over herself and it's been quite a while since the last time she broke mad. I couldn't think of any way to stop her that's why I am really trying my best not to burst her patience.

"Don't worry, Madeline, Dad's gonna treat you when he's not finally busy." I just said and my sister automatically nodded her head.

I sighed. Her condition is getting worse. When will she realize and accept everything? Given that she was diagnosed and mentally ill since childhood, it was also a rough time growing with her. But she's the only one I have and I don't also want to lose her.

The next few hours made me so busy for scanning to and fro for vacant position in every establishment I went to. I am already on my last year in college but still, looking for a job is really hard.

Good thing I passed by a convenience store and asked the manager for vacant positions that will suit me. She asked me for experiences and I seemed to knock it off and she immediately directed me to the owner.

"Tell us when you are ready to work and please do settle your schedule."

I smiled while holding the phone. "I will. Thank you very much Mrs. Kim."

Ms. Mitch smiled at me and welcomed me in their not-so-big store but someone can be very busy doing their work here.

I let an exasperated sigh when I am finally alone and reach for my phone inside my sling bag.

"What?" I greeted.

It's Jeannette.

She's been calling me since six in the morning but I am very busy to answer calls. Besides, I don't want them to worry on where I am.

"Where the hell are you? I heard from Meriam that you weren't in the class."

I roll my eyes and check for my left foot before making a face. It hurts.

"I am out looking for a job."

I heard a sigh from the background and I automatically shift from my seat and purse my lips. "I cannot just seat and watch how days flew, Jeannette. I need to find a way."

"Old brother is willing to help you."

"I know. But I need to work too. This isn't just about me. I have a sister too."

I heard how Jeannette is groaning from the other line and I am sure that she's already rolling her eyes.

I smile a little and wear my sandals again. "Call you lat–"

"No. Come to the university. I got something for us!" And now, her mood suddenly shifted and that's my cue, I ended the call and hurriedly went to the university.

It was not that long before I arrived in the university since it's located in the middle of the city but to my luck, note the sarcasm, I left my ID in the house so I have no choice but to wait for Jeannette here.

Not long than ten minutes when I finally saw her with her blockmates and she immediately wave her hand at me.

She seems very excited.

I look at her blockmates when they smile at me so I gladly return the favor.

My friend is squealing while scanning something inside her bag so I just laugh because of her uneasiness.

"Hey, can't you slow down?" I exclaimed while laughing at her.

My friend just shake her head and seconds later, her face glows up and then shows me a two rectangular cream colored paper.

"Tada!"

My forehead creases. "Freak, are these for real?!" I exclaimed.

Jeannette nodded so many times while she is flashing me her famous dimple and smile. "Yes, Brie! We have a ticket for Invincible Cirque's fan meeting!"