Blue

Everybody has a story

I hear four pairs of footsteps receding with the last comment. I am left standing in the empty hallway thunderstruck. I slowly glance around the corner. I can see their backs as they leave walking down the hallway. The other person who was talking to Matthew seems like a teacher or staff member.

What does it mean? Why do these people know about me? What about the list and why was my name on it? I didn't even know about this place well until today. I remember seeing the kids in blue and white uniforms standing at the bus station every other evening when I would be coming back home from university but I never thought or asked anyone about it. I just assumed it was some school for unfortunate kids (which still seems like it) so how come I am registered here. I look down at the clothes I'm wearing. The white blouse and blue skirt that goes all the way to my knees. And the number tag with 109 written over it. My stomach growls. I remember the last thing I ate was a slice of bread with butter spread and tea , but I never drank that cup of tea instead it was splashed all over me. Even the last meal I had at that place wasn't peaceful. Nothing changed till the very end.

“Hey, God I looked for you everywhere!” 97 says approaching me from the end of the hallway. He is all out of breath. “What are you doing here, come on, let's go eat dinner time is about to end.” He says hurriedly once he is near and suddenly grabs my wrist . Before I could reply I am being dragged into the hallway by my wrist like a puppy. I just let him be because my head is so loud at the moment to deal with anything else.

When we arrive at the hunger hall everyone is leaving already. The people who seem like the staff members are clearing the carpets and picking up the utensils from the rug. “Uh..dammit we are late” 97 groans. I notice he is still holding onto my wrist.“You should have had your dinner, why did you come looking after me?” I ask him, glancing down at our hands. He lets go of my hand quickly, embarrassed. “I'll go look for some snacks so you won't have to starve tonight , just wait here for me. I'll be right back.” He says ignoring my question and strides down the hallway. Why does he care? I bet he wants to know why I am here just like everyone else. But I don't even know the answer to that either. “Hey 109” I hear a girl’s voice from behind. I turn around and see the 176 girl standing with 177 right beside her. He has his hands in his pockets and is eyeing me down like I am a specimen at a museum. “Hey..” I greet her back. She has the saddest eyes I have ever seen.

She puts her hand on my shoulder kindly. “I hope you're comfortable here , it's time for bed. I'll show you the way to Rest hall and hope you won't mind a conversation. I am Jules.” she says with a smile. That's too much information to process.I stare back at her in disbelief. Is it even allowed to call names at this place? I haven't heard someone address themselves by their name till this moment. “Glad someone has a name here..” I tell her still in shock. She smiles again. I don't like it because it makes her look even sadder. Wait, did she say something about a rest hall? “Is that where we sleep at night?..” I ask her. “Yes , you'll have your own bed but it's not just for the night , you can rest when you want to even during the day so feel free-” she stops mid sentence and elbows 177 and glares at him. He stops staring at me. He ruffles his wavy brown hair and scoffs.“So feel free to get comfortable.” She completes her sentence. “So you're not going tonight either? seems like you've a girlfriend?” 177 whispers to Jules. So there is at least someone he doesn't want to kill each time he talks to. Such news. “Well bye then” he says, leaving abruptly without saying another word. Jules sighs like a tired mother. I wonder what made these two polar opposites become friends.

I am walking with Jules while she talks something about philosophy that I don't quite understand when I remember 97 had asked me to wait for him. Oh s**t. Where is my mind? “Me and Ray are childhood friends” Jules says suddenly like a revelation. So his name is Ray. they're childhood friends.. she continues speaking so I listen intently this time , “We know each other like nobody else, honestly if it wasn't for him I don't think-” she stops and gulps down her saliva. I wonder if she is going to cry but then she continues, “I am just grateful for him and he might seem a bit rude at first but he isn't like that , he takes his time to get comfortable with people so I apologize for his behav-” I interrupt her “You don't have to apologize, besides I can't care less about his rudeness” It comes out a bit offensive than I meant it to sound like.She looks at me this time without smiling. “So what's your name?” she asks curiously after a while. Something about telling my name to people never sat right with me because after that they ask another question , then another, reading you out like a book , examining you like a slide. I don't want to be held under a microscope anymore.

“It's okay , I was just checking. It's tiring to have an identity.I get it.” she says reassuringly.

I feel relieved that she didn't take any offense regarding that. She seems like a nice person and I don't want to lose the first friend I made here. Well the second. We arrive at the rest hall. It's another huge hall filled with beds. They are all single beds placed next to each other. Girls are sitting around , some are fast asleep already, some are reading , but most of the beds are empty. It's dead silent here. Jules points to a bed near the window. “That is yours” she whispers. I like how quiet it is here. Sharing a room with my sister my entire life has made sleeping peacefully a never achievable dream. She would wake up at 6 am and slam every drawer and leave the door open when she left and her 3 sets of alarms would go off so I would have to get up from sleep and turn them off.It didn't even annoy me anymore, it made me miserable because I just wanted to get some sleep. I walk towards my bed and notice there is a small side table near it with a tag tapped on it. I try to read it in the dim candle light. 109. Not this again. Why do I have a place here? Actual place and a number to represent me? Or do they just have a space empty and just gave it to me.

God I don't really know. I thank Jules and she leaves to sleep. I watch her walk towards the far end of the hall and lay down on her bed. I take off my backpack and put it under the bed. It still has the blanket 97 gave me inside it but I don't need it right now as there is a neatly folded blanket already on the bed. I pick it up and something catches my eye. There is a cupcake in a clear plastic package on the bed. I wonder who put this here. Then I remember what 97 said earlier. I guess he didn't find me but found my bed. Are guys even allowed here? It's an all girls hall. I wonder how he got in here.I shrug and lay down. The curtains are drawn and moon lighting is falling on my bed like snow. I open the package and eat the cupcake. It's large and filled with chocolate chips and surprisingly, very tasty. Where am I? Is this all a dream? I don't know if it's a dream but if it is then I am glad I wouldn't have to wake up from a nightmare another morning. Carla belongs here. These words echo inside my head.

“I wish you were never born”

my mother's voice stings inside my head. I wish for the same mom. My eyelids feel heavy.

March 2019

6:00 pm

*I can hear people talking from inside the blanket. My eyes feel sore and so does my entire body. My mother is speaking now ,”Has she eaten anything since she came back?” She sounds annoyed. “No , been laying like that in bed and won't talk to anyone either.” my elder sister replies . “This is not something new , it's always that same thing ‘shaky hands’, I told her not to do that again.” Not to do that again. I find it funny how she says it, making it sound like something that I am purposely doing. Not to do that again , sounds something a mother would say to her child if they came back with a full lunch box. A single tear falls down my cheek on the blanket. My sister doesn't answer her this time. “I bought this cool bag today, wanna see?” she says to my younger sister,” You went shopping and didn't buy anything for me again?!” I can hear my sisters fight over something like it's another usual day .Maybe it is for them but not for me. I clearly remember the hours of night I stood up awake, the hours of day I put into studying just so I could do well on today's exam but why does nothing go my way? I am always cautious , I am always supposedly doing the right things so I would get better consequences but I still fall down on my face. I wonder what might happen if I start making mistakes. Will the universe break me down in a single blow then? Am I only alive today because I have been living with caution? Why is it that I freak out everytime I have something important to do? Why do I work so hard just to not be able to write anything on the final exam? This is the only thing I was good at; scoring good at academics, this was my only chance to make people like me , but here I am afraid of disappointing someone who is already disappointed in me. My back hurts from the weight of all the people I've been carrying on it.*

I wake up drenched in sweat. Sunlight is hitting my bed from the huge wooden window , a plastic wrapper in my closed fist. So it wasn't a dream? There are teal curtains drawn around my bed. I was too tired to notice there were even any curtains around the beds let alone draw them around myself last night.I open the curtains and find the hall completely empty. Where is everyone?What time is it?Is there no roll call or a morning assembly kind of thing here? I get my bag from underneath the bed and walk across the hall towards the big wooden door at the very end. When I get outside I find a woman standing with a clipboard outside the hall. “109?” she asks the moment our eyes meet. I nod. “You can find the restroom by walking to the end of this hallway and turning right from there.You'll find a sack filled with clothes there, get ones that fit you. Lunch is about to be served, make sure to be on time.” she says in an automated voice and is about to leave when I stand in front of her to stop her from leaving yet , "Excuse me, what time is it?” I ask her quickly. She stares at me for a millisecond. “It's October 21st , 2023 , 1:00 pm.” and she leaves. Woah what was that. I just needed the time but okay. I follow her directions to find a restroom. The hunger is killing me at this point, I might have been dead if it wasn't for that cupcake I had last night. Damn I need to hurry or I'll miss lunch. “Woa- Dammit!” I jump at my feet once I turn left. There is someone leaning against the wall right next to the restroom. He turns around at my scream. It's Ray. What a good way to start my day wow. He is eating the same cupcake I had last night. Is it a meal or snack here I wonder. He takes out his ear buds and walks towards me.”Such a polite way to greet someone.” He says swallowing the last bite. “A creep guarding the girls restroom doesn't have much of a say in this I reckon.” I snap and move past him. God can this guy become any worse. “You have fifteen minutes!” he yells outside the door then I hear his receding footsteps. Fifteen minutes to what? huh? the lunch? but there's no way he would bestow me with his kindness. I walk inside the restroom and find sacks filled with school uniforms. I groan , this is going to take forever to find my exact size. I need to hurry up. I am starving already.

I walk past the big wooden clock running on my way to the hunger hall. It reads 1:20 pm. Dammit I am late. I could barely get a shower and find clothes that fit , oversized clothes are better than short ones at least, I reassure myself. I am out of breath when I finally reach there. Someone waves at me , it's 97. It's as if he was waiting for me this whole time. I hurry up and sit down beside him. He shoves a bowl of rice in front of me. “Thanks” I mutter as I shove my mouth with food the moment I sit down.The rice is warm and served with chicken stew and peach juice to drink alongside. It's funny how I found the kids eating without uttering a word weird the other day but today I am just doing the same. Can't risk missing this meal or won't be able to go about another day. My Ed(eating disorder)is even gone at this point. When I have eaten enough to fill myself up completely and if I eat more I'll throw up, I glance around. 97 is still eating and so are most of the other kids. “Thanks for the cupcake dude.” I tell him. He swallows down his bite and looks at me. “What cupcake?” he asks in confusion. So it wasn't him I guess. Who else then? OH I can't believe how dumb I can be , of course it was Jules. She knew my bed and she showed me the way to the hall. She must have put it there and besides guys won't be allowed there. The bell starts ringing once the clock inside the hunger hall hits 1:45.The staff members start taking the bowls from the front of the kids even if they're eating, one of the staff members shoves the kids out of the hall. I stare around in confusion. What is this? A jail? Why is there a curfew on eating time too? 35 minutes of lunch in a huge place like this where one gets at least 10 minutes to get to the hall itself let alone finish their meal? Freaking ridiculous. I am shoved outside the same with the other kids. I watch a kid arrive at the gate as I get thrown outside. He is covered in sweat which seems like he ran all the way here and looks very younger than all the other kids here ,around 17 years of age. I feel bad for the poor boy because it means he won't be able to eat anything till dinner is served, which is around 9pm from what I remember. He falls to his feet looking at the gates closing and the kids being shoved out. Then I notice something strange on his body. Old scars of blade cuts on his wrist all the way upto the elbow. I gasp.